falxmanolo Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 I suppose the heading sounds very wrong but here's a quick gist of things Ex and I broke up 2 years ago, terrible break up. He broke up with me when he got a new job, moved cities, changed numbers, basically- just vanished from my life. He never returned my belongings after we broke up and he was just rude. After a few months of NC, he started contacting me on every medium possible and I ignored it until a month ago when he sent me a long ass "sorry" email, detailing every action of his. He proposed friendship and I simply said to him that having him or not having him in my life will make no difference whatsoever, because I believe I have moved on from that messy break up. So, we spoke for a month-ish, he sent me flowers on valentine's day which was a little over the top for "friendship". We both held the same religious view hence we did not endorse pre-marital sex. A few days ago, he told me that a month ago, he met a girl on tinder and slept with her. This man, that would not sleep with me when we were in a steady relationship, this man who claimed to always be in love with me, the same man could do a one-night stand. He says he deeply regrets it, and he feels guilty. He apologised endlessly. All I could think of was-why? Why is he apologising to me and feeling guilty? I did not think this would matter at all but for the past week, I have not been able to focus on anything. I know he was single etc so he can do as he pleases but, isn't that inconsistent with his stance about how he always loved me. I think I know what I should do- just let it go, let him go, let it all go. But why am I still feeling this hurt, this stabbing pain that keeps me up at night? Am I being totally insane? I would be ever so grateful to hear what people think and I am so open to honest replies! you folks here at LS are so wonderful, you helped me rebuild my confidence and get past my fears. Thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
badpenny Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 The reason you feel this way is because he took everything you value, and betrayed it. And you're absolutely right - it IS time to let this go. but not before you have a final word with him: Tell him his lack of integrity, lapse of morals and treatment of you is completely unacceptable, and he doesn't deserve to be in your life. He's using you as a 'confessional'. He's hoping that if you DO take him back, it will somehow "cleanse" him of all past transgressions, from the word 'go', from the moment he broke up with you... I mean, if you take him back, all is forgiven, right? The slate is wiped clean, it's all water under the bridge, and Hey! Let's pick up from where we left off! Well I'm afraid it can't work that way. It's unreasonable of him to believe that he can waltz bak into your life, and with a few romantic gestures, sweet words and loving overtures, be your number one again. He made it clear once, that you were not his priority. Make it clear to him that his kind of affection isn't even an option. Kick him to the kerb, dearest, and tell him it's no go, and to be gone. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Purepony Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 If you really believe he is genuinely sorry I really think you should give him another chance. I'm working on my relationship with my ex girlfriend because I cheated on her and we were apart for 7 months and I have to admit everything I did I really honestly regret and I wish I would have never got myself into this However I am very grateful that she has given me an opportunity to make things right Because I realize that I do love her and I will not cheat on her ever again. Some People do change and if you are hurt and he is really regretful maybe you should consider giving him a chance 2 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 Run run run. When the opportunity for him to "experience" arrived he was gone faster than any taxi driver. Go back to NC and find a guy with boundaries, self-control and the manhood to at least be honest when breaking up. Chances are now that he's seen what his ONS are like he thinks you were the "safe" type to "build a nest with" sometime, but you should never sell yourself as consolation prize. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby65 Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 I think you need to figure out whether you want to get back together with him or not. It sounds like he's willing to take steps to reconcile, so it's really in your court whether you can forgive him for the breakup and for sleeping with other women. I don't know what your cultural norm is, so I don't know how hard it would be for you to accept his not being a virgin should you get married. What do YOU want to do -- take him back and try again, or heal and get over him? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 You are upset because when he came back, he dredged up all these old feelings that you thought you had processed. It's like breaking your arm. The bones knit back together but it's weaker & more vulnerable having once been broken. The callous way he dropped out of your life, he doesn't deserve a 2nd chance. While you were broken up he was free to date or have sex with whomever but if you believe that violates your religious convictions there is little sense trying to get you to overlook that. Give yourself some permission to be a bit smug about the fact that he came crawling back but pass on the "opportunity" to date him again. Personally I would not be able to trust that he wouldn't pull the vanishing act again. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 Has he actually said he wants you back? Or are you assuming so from his actions? Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 Sandylee asks a good question: What are you looking to get out of this? Closure? Reconciliation? Easing of your pain from the betrayal? If you want him back, you need to determine whether he wants you back (sending you flowers on Valentines Day is a pretty good indication of where his head is, though, IMO). Then ask yourself whether you can forgive him for his actions. Since you weren't a couple, it's less of a betrayal of you personally than it is just a "moral" transgression. Is that enough for you to give up on it? If you're just looking for closure or answers to ease your pain, then there probably isn't much he can do for you. He's already said he regrets his actions and he's sorry. Do you believe him? If so, then I would move on and try to let go of your hurt. If you can't forgive him or you think he's somehow failed, then I would go back to NC, try to put it out of your mind and move on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 I guess he wants you back and probably sleeping with that girl on Tinder made up his mind for him. People make mistakes, they think they want other things, but when it comes down to it, the grass is not always greener, and I guess he knows that now. Problem is, are you the same person, that he has in his head, or has he put you on a pedestal, and the real you may not now match up to that? Do you want him back? Can you forgive him for the messy break up and now the pre-marital sex? I do think that one word of encouragement from you, and he will be back wagging his tail like some soppy dog. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
idoltree Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 As others have said, the position you're in now where you're humoring him and he's disappointed you with his actions has left you feeling sort of powerless, which is exacerbating both of your pain and confusion. What do YOU want? Take his actions and the complicating factors out of it. Do you want to pursue reconciliation with him, do you want friendship or do you want him out of your life? If you want him out of your life, then the answer is easy. If you want friendship, then be friends. Don't make it a half-measure and continue to look down on him for his actions, though, because friends don't do that. You'll have to be able to leave the past in the past. If you want to pursue reconciliation, you need more information. Is that what he wants? The flowers, to me, make it seem that way, but has he said it? That's step one. The second step is to understand if you could forgive him. Again, you weren't together and he was free to do what he did, but it means that if you did get back together you both wouldn't be virgins anymore. Has he said why he chose to do what he did? Where were the two of you when he made this choice? Was he pursuing you and you were hesitant and acting like it? Were you just back in touch and it wasn't clear? That makes a difference, too. Third, does your religion allow for forgiveness? Because if he could do what he did and receive forgiveness from your god and church, then you should be able to forgive it, too. Meaning, if you believe in a god, and that god allows humans to make mistakes and atone for them, then shouldn't you as a human follow what your god says? Surely your personal judgments shouldn't supercede the god that you believe in... right? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandrawg Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 This sounds very familiar. Not long after my ex and I broke up, he went wild on OKCupid..became a total manwh*re, sleeping with a bunch of girls, then back in September, sent me a long apologetic email and we talked for 3 weeks straight, nonstop, crying, apologizing etc. It didn't mean anything, let me tell you. We agreed to get rid of the people we'd been seeing, but he didn't. He told some girl he'd been dating that he was sick. Not just sick but, had pneumonia. She showed up at his house while we were out of town on a honeymoon type trip I had planned for us. I know your guy only slept with 1 girl (that you know of), but knowing he wouldn't sleep with YOU, but had no problem finding some random girl on Tinder to sleep wtih..I think that's going to keep bugging you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author falxmanolo Posted March 12, 2015 Author Share Posted March 12, 2015 (edited) You guys have been totally great! Thank you, thank you, thank you! What happened- Ex confessed to still want me back and wanting to "date" me again. I worked through my thought process and told myself, "why not". Terrible, terrible mistake. The moment he sensed any slight interest from my end, he turned weird. He stopped texting, calling and making plans to hang out. And he hasn't initiated any conversation in the past few days. I felt really sad but the thought he vanished from life two years ago just hit me across my face and I'm feeling a little less crap now. I feel very stupid. What was I thinking? Entertaining this ex who broke my heart, vanished from life but suddenly realises that he messed up? I've just had enough! Today was the final straw- he was so cold and spoke really rudely to me. As crap as I feel, perhaps this was very much self-invited trouble? Why do I keep letting people treat me like crap? I'm going to try to let go and move on from this situation. Guys here at LS, you'll are so amazingly awesome! So much love for being these anonymous cheerleaders. I would probably still heavily rely on your support and encouragement, considering I feel really disappointed in myself for having given ex the opportunity to mess with my head. Thank you guys! Guess he didn't want me back all that much after all, lol. Edited March 12, 2015 by falxmanolo 3 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 People change. Your ex turned into an *******. At least he's not your problem anymore and you've learned your lesson with him instead of a guy who would have taken advantage of your good nature by leading you on, while this guy just tried the hot and cold approach which falls apart pretty quick. You learned your lesson and there's no shame in that. Just shut the door when a future ex attempts to pull off a stunt like this one and you'll be fine. Link to post Share on other sites
Author falxmanolo Posted April 29, 2015 Author Share Posted April 29, 2015 People change. Your ex turned into an *******. At least he's not your problem anymore and you've learned your lesson with him instead of a guy who would have taken advantage of your good nature by leading you on, while this guy just tried the hot and cold approach which falls apart pretty quick. You learned your lesson and there's no shame in that. Just shut the door when a future ex attempts to pull off a stunt like this one and you'll be fine. Thank you. I deleted his number, felt a little low for a few days but packed that baggage away. I sometimes feel very stupid that I gave him the time of the day when I know he didn't deserve it. It's just showed me that I'm not completely there in my healing process and valuing myself. I did almost believe that this ex was all that I deserved in a moment of lust. I won't lie, it has been a setback but every time I feel down and I log back into LS, I see all these amazing inspiring messages from you guys and I feel I can do this again. On my path to self-love! Cheers guys! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SoThatHappened Posted April 30, 2015 Share Posted April 30, 2015 Work on that "self-love". Seriously. Also, people on here can be so quick to say "Eff that M-Effer and let him/her deal with his/her m-effing miserable life without you and move on from that m-effer and never look back". I'm paraphrasing, because sometimes it all just blends together in the same mob-mentality. Shockingly, people screw up in the game of life. Crazy, I know. Sometimes people learn from their mistakes. Sometimes they're completely sorry, honest, and truthful. Do what you believe is right. Take the advice here and put it on one side of your brain. Then listen to your gut, but just be careful. Honestly, good luck to you either way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 30, 2015 Share Posted April 30, 2015 Work on that "self-love". Seriously. Also, people on here can be so quick to say "Eff that M-Effer and let him/her deal with his/her m-effing miserable life without you and move on from that m-effer and never look back". I'm paraphrasing, because sometimes it all just blends together in the same mob-mentality. Shockingly, people screw up in the game of life. Crazy, I know. Sometimes people learn from their mistakes. Sometimes they're completely sorry, honest, and truthful. Do what you believe is right. Take the advice here and put it on one side of your brain. Then listen to your gut, but just be careful. Honestly, good luck to you either way. Read the thread, he "effed" up one more time and is now out of her life. Link to post Share on other sites
SoThatHappened Posted May 1, 2015 Share Posted May 1, 2015 Read the thread, he "effed" up one more time and is now out of her life. Sorry, but this: A few days ago, he told me that a month ago, he met a girl on tinder and slept with her. This man, that would not sleep with me when we were in a steady relationship, this man who claimed to always be in love with me, the same man could do a one-night stand. He says he deeply regrets it, and he feels guilty. He apologised endlessly. Isn't that bad. They were apart. He was single and gave in to sex... wow, what a horrible douchebag! And what an a$$hat for apologizing "endlessly." People breakup because they're unhappy sometimes, and the dumper is always the jerk/b!tch to the dumpee. He popped his cherry while single and even apologized for it. Maybe we're reading different threads... Link to post Share on other sites
Zippy2000 Posted May 7, 2015 Share Posted May 7, 2015 You gave him another chance and he went cold! Doest that tell you something? Its up to you to decide to take him back but look back in hindsight and you`ll be in for a roller coaster ride. Move forward to the best decision you make but as always remeber the phrase: "Hurt me once, shame on you. Hurt me twice, shame on me". Everyone deserves a second chnce? Not if they "F" up twice or has everyone not read this post throughly? Link to post Share on other sites
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