RachaelLIVE Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 I ended my four year relationship yesterday. I still don't know why except I just gradually fell out of love with him. He was and is still my best friend but I no longer felt the attraction. I've recently been feeling like I just want to be single and discover what I'm like outside of a relationship (I'm 23 now-he's a little older) I knew having these thoughts wasn't right so I broke up with him. I was never illusioned to think that as soon as I left i would be happy and releived... but my god I fee awful! I haven't stopped crying, I miss him so much. I absolutely crushed his heart and have devastated him. I can't believe I cause another human that much pain. I just don't know what to think now, hopefully some space will help, but I wonder if I just made a huge mistake? But then the other half of me knows that my emotions are raw right now and my old feelings of wanting to leave will come back if I got back with him (and I would cause him more pain in the long run). Is breaking up with someone you care about (I do love him but not in the right way) really this hard?! Are my feelings normal then? Is this just what grief is like cause I'm giving up someone I still care about? Or am I a nut job who just ruined someone's life because I got scared? In future I would rather have my heart broken than ever do this to anyone again. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby65 Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 Either way, your life won't be ruined. But eventually, the intense honeymoon-phase feelings DO die down after a few years, no matter who you're with. At your age, I left my then-boyfriend and moved away and spent a year being single and dating other guys. Ultimately, after almost a year without contact, I came to appreciate the depth and strength of my feelings for my ex and asked for another chance. It was a happy ending for us and we were later married and stayed married for almost 20 years. We're still close friends and have a wonderful son together. If you feel you need to be single, then that's what you must do. But there are rules involved: number one is -- NO CONTACTING your ex just to ease your own pain! Online and off, no reaching out for comfort. His feelings come first now, no trying to keep him in your life as just a *friend* or as your safety net in case you don't meet anyone else. Also make sure you take steps to shield him from any hurtful information when you start dating other guys -- make sure he's blocked on social media and that mutual friends aren't passing on painful information. Good luck to you -- it's a painful road you're on, but it does get better with time! 6 Link to post Share on other sites
lolablue17 Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 You ended it because you gradually fell out of love with him. You felt bored living in routine with no excitements, you both took each other for granted. Now when you broke his heart, you made a huge drama. It's certainly not boring, and all emotions are up again. That is a sign that you need more thrills and action in your life. I can assure you that routine is a danger for every long term relationship. So no matter if you go back to him or not, You both (him or your new BF) must talk about it and make efforts to deal with this routine. it's not easy to maintain romantic feelings, and it takes hard and never ending work. Take it as a thing to learn for the future. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
quattrob Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 Even though I don't know the full story, I can say the way you're feeling is normal especially when you're in your younger years. And it is "ok" if you chose the path you chose. However I can tell you that this "falling out of love" feeling can happen again. So you really need to learn to "commit" to someone and stick with this person and fight to make things work.. none of this "I'm bored and fell out of love" crap, it's pretty selfish otherwise if you just suddenly just leave because you're bored of someone. I can tell you that if he was a good bf to you and the relationship was pretty good in general, you will probably eventually look back and regret your choice. You'll feel better overtime but please don't try to reach out to him.. at least not until he is ready. As much as you want to, you need to let him be.. this is the choice you made so there's nothing you can do to make it easier for him. I hope you find what you want in life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Kevin_D Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 In a way I admire you, even though I believe it's a bit immature to dump someone because of the reasons you mentioned, I understand that young women today often panic when they realise that they in fact don't live happily ever after with their high-school sweetheart. But, I think it's good that you question your own feelings. An easy way would have been to do like my ex, who replaced me immediately after a 6.5 year relationship and justified it in her mind by telling herself that I was a terrible person. Not only did I lose my best friend, but I had to watch her run off with the same guy she had been talking to in front of me for a year. And she did her best to shove it in my face. Finally she lied to everyone about the reasons for our breakup. Like Ruby65 said, if you decide to stick with your decision, don't make things harder then necessary for him. Remove all mutual friends from social media as well. Avoid posting pictures from parties. Many dumpers, especially those who are unsure, try to convince themselves and others that they made the right decision. And they often do this by posting tons of pictures of their new happy life on social media. Don't do this. This information will reach him one way or another and it will crush him. Just disappear. Don't even change your profile pictures. You need to analyze why the relationship didn't work out. This takes time, so don't even think about dating new guys for a year or so. Don't try to fill the void by immediately start dating new guys that you are attracted to, because then you will learn nothing from this and it will also make you look very bad. I wish you good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CrystalShine2011 Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 I think what you did was the honest resolution. It does happen, when the honeymoon period fades away and you are left wondering why you are there in the first place. Best of luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 Breakups always hurt, there's no way to be nice about it. You should be proud that you were able to be honest with yourself and make a decision rather than just shrug it off and end things with cheating and resentment/hatred, it's not that common anymore. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RachaelLIVE Posted March 1, 2015 Author Share Posted March 1, 2015 Thank you for all taking the time to reply, I really appreciate it. Xx Link to post Share on other sites
chados Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 problem is that when we are young we often believe that we know what we want. it is so easy to take someone for granted and think that we can easily find someone else. problem is that you have a history with your ex and that isnt going to be replaced within a month. there are probably many more good looking people, people who have better jobs or are more interesting but normally after a long time relationship all that doesnt matter as much. you get attached to a person more and more cause of the time you spend with him. will you find someone else? most likely. but sometimes, even if the new person is better for you.. the first love or the person that first gave you a good feeling about yourself is unreplacable. just remember that nobody is perfect, nobody will give you the honeymoon feeling forever. maybe what you had is what to expect from anyone after a long term relationship, you are just to young to accept it. Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 You were 19 when you got into the relationship. It is probably best to explore other types of relationships before making something more permanent, especially since you were having these feelings. At your age it's just part of learning and growing. A relationship entered into at 19 is generally going to end, and ought best to in most cases as you change and grow a lot in these years. Link to post Share on other sites
neildc Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 Take it from me, if you have any doubts or think this could be an overreaction, speak to him as soon as possible. But ONLY if you genuinely think the decision was a mistake. I don't know all the factors that led to your decision but waiting for a prolonged period of time will ensure that you never get back together. I was in a similar position where I broke it off after almost 5 years but for slightly different reasons. We stayed in contact afterwards, which ended up being a terrible thing ultimately as it doesn't give you an opportunity to live without someone being there. By the time I realized I had made a mistake, it was too late. She wasn't coming back. I regret the decision I made and can do nothing now but learn from it. I came around, but it was too late. This woman would have done anything for me and I was scared to settle down. It was immature, but I'm 28 so it is what it is. I didn't think I was ready and we had issues recently and made a hasty decision. Now I have to live with the consequences. When the feelings are gone after waiting a while to reconcile, then its over. Period.Once someone has shut you out, there is nothing you can do. Believe me, I have been there. Link to post Share on other sites
Cedar27 Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 (edited) Honeymoon periods end and relationships fall into a place of comfortability. If the two parties in the relationship do not recognize this inevitability and fail to practice consistent maintenance to keep the spark alive, one or both parties may see the romance fade. Is that enough to throw in the towel when you realize that this has happened? I say no. There is also the fact that after many years together, even while constantly watering and pruning the "relationship tree", it's going to be a more comfortable partnership than an intense passionate one like it was initially. I often think that people are too quick to exit healthy, stable, and compatible relationships because things got too routine or because fireworks aren't there anymore. That's to be expected folks. Some people have unrealistic expectations on how relationships should be. I think the two of you needed to recognize that after 4 years things aren't going to be like the first year, but that if you two still love and care about one another romance can be reignited with work. If you feel like you guys fell into this pattern I mentioned above, I highly suggest you reach out to him and ask him to take you back. If he accepts, buy some self help books on the subject, consider relationship counseling, and work very hard to keep the spark alive. Recognize relationships at this stage take a lot of hard work, communication, and dedication. Also, patience. I think this may have been your wake up call. Edited March 4, 2015 by Cedar27 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 Honeymoon periods end and relationships fall into a place of comfortability. If the two parties in the relationship do not recognize this inevitability and fail to practice consistent maintenance to keep the spark alive, one or both parties may see the romance fade. Is that enough to throw in the towel when you realize that this has happened? I say no. There is also the fact that after many years together, even while constantly watering and pruning the "relationship tree", it's going to be a more comfortable partnership than an intense passionate one like it was initially. I often think that people are too quick to exit healthy, stable, and compatible relationships because things got too routine or because fireworks aren't there anymore. That's to be expected folks. Some people have unrealistic expectations on how relationships should be. I think the two of you needed to recognize that after 4 years things aren't going to be like the first year, but that if you two still love and care about one another romance can be reignited with work. If you feel like you guys fell into this pattern I mentioned above, I highly suggest you reach out to him and ask him to take you back. If he accepts, buy some self help books on the subject, consider relationship counseling, and work very hard to keep the spark alive. Recognize relationships at this stage take a lot of hard work, communication, and dedication. Also, patience. I think this may have been your wake up call. ^^ I endorse this post 100 percent. There are too many people who think that if you have to work on a relationship, that means the relationship isn't "meant to be." This feeling is a large part of what has doomed my wife's view of our marriage. She wanted it to all fit together nicely like a jigsaw puzzle. That happens maybe 5 percent of the time. 95 percent of the time, it takes real effort to keep things moving forward. It's not always going to be 50-50 but both parties need to at least be pushing in the same direction. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
chados Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 ^^ I endorse this post 100 percent. There are too many people who think that if you have to work on a relationship, that means the relationship isn't "meant to be." This feeling is a large part of what has doomed my wife's view of our marriage. She wanted it to all fit together nicely like a jigsaw puzzle. That happens maybe 5 percent of the time. 95 percent of the time, it takes real effort to keep things moving forward. It's not always going to be 50-50 but both parties need to at least be pushing in the same direction. You are so right about this. Whenever someone doesn't understand this it's because of them being immature or inexperienced. Unfortunately nowadays everyone seems to be grown up watching Disney movies and belive that's how life is. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 You are so right about this. Whenever someone doesn't understand this it's because of them being immature or inexperienced. Unfortunately nowadays everyone seems to be grown up watching Disney movies and belive that's how life is. Personally, I blame The Notebook and Twilight for destroying the 21st century romance. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 Seriously, though - OP, I think you need to take some time so you're not acting out of raw emotion or desperation. Maybe see a therapist, think hard about what you want out of life. If it turns out, after some time apart (like months) that you want to try again, then be completely honest with your ex about it and 100 percent committed to it. If not, you need to move on. I wish you luck, and keep posting! Link to post Share on other sites
chados Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 Personally, I blame The Notebook and Twilight for destroying the 21st century romance. haha yes that is very true sir. i would also like to put phones, ipads etc in there. talking way to much through text instead of seeing each other. or just have the chance to miss someone while at work.. no lets text the whole day instead so we got something to talk about when we get home. lets misunderstand the other ones text and lets finish it up by putting something down on facebook to completely confuse the other person. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
1040 Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 Personally, I blame The Notebook and Twilight for destroying the 21st century romance. And 50 Shades. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts