Is there a chance?

[leia1028]

I was about to contact my ex, but I had to have more input before I did.

 

So my ex and I were together for 2 years and he broke up with me. The reason behind him breaking up with me was that I lied a lot in the relationship. It started off as little lies, like watching Youtube or playing a video game. I spent a lot of time doing those activities and my ex got upset that I spent too much time in it when I could be hanging out with him(so when I said i was doing homework i would do those other activities instead). Then there's a guy friend I grew up with (i saw him more like family), but my ex thought of him as a threat to our relationship because my guy friend was constantly at my house (also because his family is close with mine). So my ex didn't want me to associate with him anymore, and we got into a fight about it. Because I cared for my ex and respected his feelings, I told my friend that we cant hang out as often.

My friend was actually helping me get a job where he worked so I was going to meet up with him. I didn't mention this to my ex, and he found out (because I stupidly brought it up when i completely forgot I wasn't suppose to mention it to him). This is what led to our breakup because he felt like he couldn't trust me.

 

We broke up over two months ago. During the first month there was a lot of drama...I begged an pleaded saying i would change over the first few days. Then when I initiated no contact, he started texting me and checking up on me. We were texting on a daily basis, just casual happy texts. Then he found out I was texting another guy (my classmate and it was just about school) but when he heard it from someone else he understood it that I was trying to hook up with my classmate. So when he called me he didn't give me the chance to explain since he was so angry. He assumes I'm trying to find a rebound and that he never wants to talk to me again.

 

I didn't fight back because I knew he was so angry that anything i may have said wouldn't have gone through his head. Now it's been over a month of no contact. During that month I have improved myself. I've been more involved with church, I got a new job, talked to counselors and chaplains about my lying problems, praying, and working on making myself a better person overall.

 

I'm interested in talking with my ex again, hoping there's a second chance. Our struggle was trust. During the month I was able to reflect on my life, and know that I have to be honest no matter what the circumstance is. Communication is important in relationships and I would rather have him upset with the truth rather than a lie. I understand that relationships have to go both ways and I shouldn't be the one to put in all the effort. I was planning on sending an apology that I have caused so much stress to him and that I was a liar (I wasn't sure what was better, an apology in person, through a call, or text). I'm just addressing to him that I made mistakes, that nobody is perfect, and we learn from our mistakes. I'm also aware of the response I may get, because if God doesn't want me to be with him then God will show me. I believe risks should be taken sometimes too. Even if this fails, it may boost his ego, but atleast I know that I gave it my 100% to try and save this relationship. I heard this quote "We need to stumble and fall sometimes in order to succeed". If anything, I should learn from this experience even if my ex doesn't come back. However...to be honest, I am afraid of him being upset that I contact him when his last words were "dont ever talk to me again", but i believe that was out of anger. A mutual friend told me that a few weeks ago, my ex said that he hates me and is angry at me, but he still really wants to talk to me and misses talking to me. I was planning on contacting him soon, I wasn't sure how or when (especially with the fact Valentine's Day is coming up).

 

I really do apologize that this is a massively long read...but thank you for your time in looking through it. I greatly appreciate it! If you have any suggestions, advice on what to do or say, I would be so thankful! Thank you Loveshack for giving me the opportunity to vent.

[darkbloom]

My ex was a liar. He lied about little things and he lied about big things. I can honestly say I wouldn't take him back because we've tried both times and he doesn't know how to be honest with anyone.

 

Winning back trust is an uphill battle that usually doesn't work.

 

I think you should spend some time apart from your bf and work on yourself. And finding out why you lie and how to fix it. If you want to get back together you're going to have to start over at the beginning with a new relationship because your old one is broken.

[leia1028]

My ex was a liar. He lied about little things and he lied about big things. I can honestly say I wouldn't take him back because we've tried both times and he doesn't know how to be honest with anyone.

 

Winning back trust is an uphill battle that usually doesn't work.

 

I think you should spend some time apart from your bf and work on yourself. And finding out why you lie and how to fix it. If you want to get back together you're going to have to start over at the beginning with a new relationship because your old one is broken.

 

I feel like I have changed. I feel like i just need to talk to him and prove that I am honest. Yes, it was my mistake for not telling him that I was hanging out with someone he disliked. And yes, I have seriously learned from that. When I told him that I changed, i think he was willing to test the waters with me and see if I have. And i haven't lied to him after that and I told myself I wouldn't because I know the risks of losing relationships from dishonesty. He just assumed I was rebounding with a classmate (which i wasn't) and got upset and didn't want to hear from me. That's why i gave it over a month of NC for us to cool down and collect our thoughts before I initiated contact again. I was planning on telling him that I never had anything with the other guy and still apologizing.

[KBarletta]

Your main issue is trust, of course, but it also sounds like he was jealous and controlling, trying to tell you who you could and couldn't socialize with? It may have stemmed from his mistrust (which you gave him some reason to have) but that to me is a red flag that also would need to be addressed.

 

I agree with the previous posters that you need to take some more time. Two months is not that long to make permanent changes to yourself or your life. I think contacting him now would be a bad idea that could backfire on you. You know from talking to your mutual friend that he's still angry and probably will be for a while.

 

I'd wait, if I contacted him at all.

[darkbloom]

I feel like I have changed. I feel like i just need to talk to him and prove that I am honest. Yes, it was my mistake for not telling him that I was hanging out with someone he disliked. And yes, I have seriously learned from that. When I told him that I changed, i think he was willing to test the waters with me and see if I have. And i haven't lied to him after that and I told myself I wouldn't because I know the risks of losing relationships from dishonesty. He just assumed I was rebounding with a classmate (which i wasn't) and got upset and didn't want to hear from me. That's why i gave it over a month of NC for us to cool down and collect our thoughts before I initiated contact again. I was planning on telling him that I never had anything with the other guy and still apologizing.

 

I would give it more time. I really would. The first time I got back with my ex it was after a month of NC. He claimed to have changed and wanted to work it out. We fell back into the relationship right where it left off but it was way more intense. He didn't lie for a little while but he eventually started again. He needed therapy and a new job and new perspective that he didn't have the time to get in one month. The second time around that we broke up was the most painful.

 

I know you want him back. But I would make sure that you are ready to work it out on all levels. And be prepared for the pain if it doesn't.

 

Let us know how it goes! I'm sending good thoughts your way.

[leia1028]

I just wanted to update on what happened for me, and what changed over the past year. The end of 2014 is when we broke up, then there was drama still because we were communicating for a whole month "trying to be friends" which is not the greatest idea, atleast for me it wasnt. Finally we didn't contact for over a month and it took ALOT of energy, counseling, being involved in other groups and forcing myself to be happy to improve myself and health. (Btw, Valentines Day was hell). During that no contact, I blocked myself from seeing his social media and blocked his number on my phone, which honestly helps. Sometimes I even had to have friends or family hide my phone during the day so I wouldn't be tempted, but not talking to him really helped me. I did see him one day at a church event, which was awkward.. but I tried to be strong, still said hi, and focused why I was really there at the church event. He apparently found out about what I've been doing and he casually contacted me but using his brother's phone (whom I was friends with). At that moment, he gave me the option to hang out and I had a choice to give it another go or not. I gave it thought and I agreed to give it another go as him and I discussed how much we changed (even if it was just a little over a month, I put in a lot of effort in counseling, talking with chaplains, and going to church events which helped me with my lying problem). When we saw one another, it was nice laughing and catching up on life. We both apologized about the fights and drama we had and agreed to start fresh.

I knew that not being honest is what tore us apart before, and I promised him I would not lie to him anymore. And now him and I are still together when we agreed to be a couple again in the end of April. And I'm am so much more happier and honestly, that breakup helped both of us as a learning experience allowing us to grow to be more mature individuals so it sounds silly but I dont regret it. Its so freeing to tell him anything, not hiding any secrets and it felt incredibly amazing. We dont fight like we use to anymore because he trusts me with his heart and i trust him.

 

My advice from personal experience, to those who want to have a second chance is that it really does take reflecting and putting an effort to change some things that would prevent any future relationship from getting hurt. When you get into fights or arguments, what causes them and have they been discussed before? If you are currently on a break or broken up, what are some things you could do that wouldn't just benefit the relationship if you got back together but any future relationship if you dont. In the end, it does take two to make second chances work so see if they are putting in effort to keep the relationship strong and if they have made improvements as well. I wish the best of luck to you if you are thinking of a second chance, and it could work just make sure you dont get into the mindset that "oh maybe a third chance or fourth, or fifth chance would work too" because that's not how a healthy relationship should be. Have a mindset that you'll do a second chance and make that second chance last like its the only chance you got! You wanna make sure you keep them and give that relationship your all

[gaig]

Thanks for sharing that! So, you had been apart and in no contact for more than a year or just few months?

 

 

btw, are you from the PH?

[leia1028]

Thanks for sharing that! So, you had been apart and in no contact for more than a year or just few months?

 

 

btw, are you from the PH?

 

Aww I'm glad someone read it! You're very welcome! I was in no contact for over a month. Some friends have suggested to wait longer, but I knew what I had to do, we communicated well when we saw each other again and he saw over the next months that I was more open and honest with him, which made him trust me more and overall strengthen our relationship. This is just an update of what happened from last year till now.

 

And if that means Filipino, then yes! I dont live there though lol.

[gaig]

Aww I'm glad someone read it! You're very welcome! I was in no contact for over a month. Some friends have suggested to wait longer, but I knew what I had to do, we communicated well when we saw each other again and he saw over the next months that I was more open and honest with him, which made him trust me more and overall strengthen our relationship. This is just an update of what happened from last year till now.

 

And if that means Filipino, then yes! I dont live there though lol.

 

OMG, I've lived there for a couple of years, so when I read your post I thought "this must be written by a pina!". You are very sweet people and I know about your connection with religion. And suffer for love

 

I wish your reconciliation really works for you.

 

Your so-called lies are not that substantial. A new job or hobby might fill up your day so you don't have so many hours to spend on watching utube. You knew that and your subconscious guilt drove you to lie.