pygora1994 Posted December 27, 2014 Share Posted December 27, 2014 My former friend/ex wished me merry christmas. After months of not talking and saying he didn't want to be friends again he sent me the message. He also recently unblocked me from facebook as well. Is this an opportunity to pursue a friendship? and if so what should I do next? Link to post Share on other sites
dravas18 Posted December 27, 2014 Share Posted December 27, 2014 I would say he is probably sniffing around a bit - but what do you want out of this all? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author pygora1994 Posted December 27, 2014 Author Share Posted December 27, 2014 I just want to be friends. I have a boyfriend and have no desire to go down that path with him again. Link to post Share on other sites
dumbass2 Posted December 27, 2014 Share Posted December 27, 2014 Then just don't go down that path at all and do not try to be friends, it will not work. focus on your new BF and that relationship. You do not need an ex hanging around because that will cause problems at some point with your new BF and you could end up losing him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pygora1994 Posted December 27, 2014 Author Share Posted December 27, 2014 I'm not sure if it matters or not, but I should clarify that we only dated briefly, and were friends for a significantly longer time. He has moved on and I have moved on. we both have dated other people in the interim, and I am not concerned about how my ex and BF will interact. We were friends when we had the falling out and were not dating at the time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pygora1994 Posted December 28, 2014 Author Share Posted December 28, 2014 So he texted me last night and we talked for a while about us. we both are on the same page concerning our friendship, and neither one want to go down the path of a relationship. It appears that things are starting to resolve themselves, and we have been communicating pretty well that last 24 hours Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 I'm not sure if it matters or not, but I should clarify that we only dated briefly, and were friends for a significantly longer time. He has moved on and I have moved on. we both have dated other people in the interim, and I am not concerned about how my ex and BF will interact. We were friends when we had the falling out and were not dating at the time. I think there are two really important questions you should answer to help clear things up: 1. Is you current BF concerned with how he will interact with your ex? What does your current BF think about all of this? 2. Also, how are you defining friendship with your ex? Do you mean you are both on good terms with one another, or do you want consistent contact with him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author pygora1994 Posted December 28, 2014 Author Share Posted December 28, 2014 I think there are two really important questions you should answer to help clear things up: 1. Is you current BF concerned with how he will interact with your ex? What does your current BF think about all of this? 2. Also, how are you defining friendship with your ex? Do you mean you are both on good terms with one another, or do you want consistent contact with him? I talked to my boyfriend about it he is fine with me being friends with my ex. At some point I want to introduce him to my ex, and hopefully they will get along well. He doesn't seemed concerned about it at all, and I promised to keep him in the loop. I want to be on good terms and be in consistent contact with him. I don't know exactly how the friendship will progress, but hopefully we can be close friends in time. Link to post Share on other sites
bnx Posted December 30, 2014 Share Posted December 30, 2014 Tread very carefully. Imagine the situations that may arise as a result of this decision. Perhaps they may be positive, but keep in mind that realistically that could be a very sticky situation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dumbass2 Posted December 30, 2014 Share Posted December 30, 2014 Was your relationship with your ex very physical and is he still attractive too you that way? Link to post Share on other sites
frigginlost Posted December 30, 2014 Share Posted December 30, 2014 I talked to my boyfriend about it he is fine with me being friends with my ex. At some point I want to introduce him to my ex, and hopefully they will get along well. He doesn't seemed concerned about it at all, and I promised to keep him in the loop. I want to be on good terms and be in consistent contact with him. I don't know exactly how the friendship will progress, but hopefully we can be close friends in time. This has the very real possibility of blowing up in your face. Your wanting to be "close friends" with him sounds as if there are some unresolved feelings for him. As a guy, I would have no problems with a girlfriend being acquaintances with and Ex. "Close friends" is a red flag to me... Link to post Share on other sites
flightplan Posted December 30, 2014 Share Posted December 30, 2014 Speaking from experience... I have no idea why you could possibly want to go down this path. There are landmines all over the place with no real benefits. Forming a three way friendship like this is just asking for problems, because I can promise you at one point in the future, the alpha male will surface, and all of sudden one of them isn't going to be ok with this scenario. If you love drama and cant wait for more... keep poking the bear, you're going to regret it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted December 30, 2014 Share Posted December 30, 2014 Bad idea. Let the past be the past. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
idoltree Posted December 30, 2014 Share Posted December 30, 2014 I just want to be friends. I have a boyfriend and have no desire to go down that path with him again. I'm confused about these three things if you just want to be friends with him: Posting in the "Second Chances" forum. It's not a friendship forum.Using the world "reconcile." That's not a friendship word.Friendship usually doesn't involve any overthinking to the degree you post on Loveshack. You wouldn't read into anything and you'd be okay with whatever happened. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author pygora1994 Posted December 30, 2014 Author Share Posted December 30, 2014 dumbass2: I find my ex attractive both physically and mentally, but our relationship was not very physical, far less than my current one. I am perfectly okay with not being physical with him and I miss his mind and personality more than I miss any physical relationship we had. frigginlost: I want to be close friends with him simply because I like him, and who he is as a person. Being close friends with him is dependent on how supportive he is of my relationship with other people, and whether or not we both can put the past to rest. I have no intention of going back into a relationship with him, but moving forward only as platonic friends. flightplan: If my friendship with my ex improves to the point where we can be good friends, I would like him to have the same relationship with my boyfriend as he does with my friends, and I do with his friends. I don't mean it to be some sort of love triangle, but the typical sharing of friends in a relationship. I think personality wise they would get along fine under different circumstances. I don't want to put my boyfriend in an uncomfortable situation, and I have been open about it with him in terms of explaining my intentions and feelings. He has expressed that he is comfortable with it, and that he has no objections. My relationship with my ex was extremely complicated in that we inconsistently dated, and spent more time being friends than actually dating. The only reason I want to be friends, is that I liked him as a friend at one point, and I valued his friendship more than I valued our relationship. Satu: If my boyfriend had reservations about it I would be far more hesitant to consider it. I feel like I should at least give it a chance for a friendship to develop. I don't think my ex has any ulterior motives, and I don't want anything more than simply being friends. idoltree: 1. I just posted here because it was complicated, and to me its a second chance at a new beginning. 2. I mean it as definition 2. Reconcile | Define Reconcile at Dictionary.com 3. I am not used to losing friends, and repairing friendships is a little beyond my depth. I suppose I should mention that I am a guy, I don't know how pertinent it is to the discussion. Link to post Share on other sites
frigginlost Posted December 30, 2014 Share Posted December 30, 2014 I suppose I should mention that I am a guy, I don't know how pertinent it is to the discussion. Actually, that makes a big difference to my opinion. My former brother-in-law is very, very, close friends with his previous boyfriend. He is very happy with his new boyfriend (been together now close to 10 years) and they all get along great. Many family get together's were had with all three of them because we all considered the ex part of the family. If your true feelings are platonic in nature, and your ex feels the same way, go slow and see what happens. Just do as you are doing and be completely transparent with your new current guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pygora1994 Posted January 28, 2015 Author Share Posted January 28, 2015 He did end up contacting me about being friends and we started talking again. we did eventually meet up after about 3 weeks of texting, and he seemed friendly and relaxed. He has run hot and cold over the last couple of weeks though. sometimes he responds rapidly, other times it takes him a couple of days to respond. especially if I ask him to hang out. I don't know if its because his trust in me was broken and its just going to take time or what. I am trying to be patient because it our relationship was broken for months, and rebuilding a friendship will take time, but its still frustrating not knowing the best way to build the friendship. Is there anything I should do to help the situation? Link to post Share on other sites
dumbass2 Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 He is not comfortable hanging out with you trying to just be friends. You said he runs cold especially when you ask to hang out. You feel one about being friends and it appears, by what you have said, that he may feel another. He may have romantic feelings for you and want more than friends. An ex with that mind set will take any opportunity to try and be with you. You said before that he was totally against ever being just friends. That hasn't changed IMO, by his actions. Remember, actions vs words. He is telling you something by his demeanor. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pygora1994 Posted January 29, 2015 Author Share Posted January 29, 2015 I don't know, and I hate speculating on things that could have so many different explanations. He didn't have to offer a friendship, but he doesn't seem like he is mad at me anymore. some days he seems completely into our friendship and sounds like he really wants to hang out other times he is pretty distant. I feel like too much time has past for him to have strong feelings for me anymore. I know he's dated other people, albeit briefly, and nothing long term. I know he has a personal past that is pretty ****ed up by most standards, which makes it hard to trust people. This is kind of why I think its a trust issue, but I am not sure. He does seem like he's a good friend to most people around him, but most people don't have such a complicated history with him. Link to post Share on other sites
dumbass2 Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 'He does seem like he's a good friend to most people around him, but most people don't have such a complicated history with him." So knowing this, do you really, honestly believe in your heart that he can be "just" friends with you? I know you really want to have him in your life as a friend, but also think about what is best for himif you really care about him.Have you tried just being upfront with him on how you are feeling and how you are interpreting things?I just don't think it is ever a good idea to be friends with an ex. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pygora1994 Posted January 29, 2015 Author Share Posted January 29, 2015 So knowing this, do you really, honestly believe in your heart that he can be "just" friends with you? . I'm not sure. It depends on whether or not he is able to trust me again or not. I believe if he is willing to give it an honest chance we can be good friends. Everything I have heard from people that know him indicates that he has past our relationship (granted this may not be accurate). I believe that he knows that being in relationship together is not in the best interest for either of us. I am trying to be patient and give him time and space to establish a good friendship, so I don't want to push him to hard or too early, and just let him work his issues out. I know you really want to have him in your life as a friend, but also think about what is best for himif you really care about him I do care about him, and I want what's best for him. If he has conflicting feelings on the issue I want to respect them, and give him the space he needs. But I don't know if he is feeling them because he hasn't said anything about it. Have you tried just being upfront with him on how you are feeling and how you are interpreting things? I haven't talked to him about it. I am not sure how to bring it up over the phone without sounding like I am accusing him of anything (in case it's just a misunderstanding). The problem I have is he dispears for a few days and then goes back to talking like there was no issue, so I don't know how to interpret that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pygora1994 Posted January 29, 2015 Author Share Posted January 29, 2015 So knowing this, do you really, honestly believe in your heart that he can be "just" friends with you? I do believe we can be friends, if he learns to trust me again. I don't feel like there should be any barriers to friendship once the trust is there. We both have similar interests and compatible personalities. We both enjoy each other's company. But he has trust issues, that stem from his childhood. I am trying to be patient and let him work out his issues, but I don't know if I can help the situation or not. know you really want to have him in your life as a friend, but also think about what is best for himif you really care about him. I care about him as a friend, and I want what is best for him. If he has conflicting feelings about it he hasn't said anything, in fact he has always indicated that there are no issues between us anymore. It's why its confusing because he will disappear for a few days, and then come back like there is nothing wrong. I don't know if its his feelings, some unwritten rule he has, or he's just busy. Have you tried just being upfront with him on how you are feeling and how you are interpreting things?I just don't think it is ever a good idea to be friends with an ex. I haven't talked to him about it. I don't know the best way to bring it up without sound like I am accusing him of anything (in case this is just a misunderstanding). Link to post Share on other sites
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