Forgiveness and it's limits

[glamtran]

Hi all, I recently went through a break up and it has me thinking a lot. I did post about it here and it happened in August. Basically I was pretty hurt by someone. I was not able to get over certain things he did so I had to bail. I am regretting it but if I can't forgive him, then why bother right?

 

But the stigma, I guess you can say, is you have to forgive before you can be at peace, and for as long as I can remember I've been hearing about the power of forgiveness, etc etc. regardless of the situation. But, when you forgive, aren't you are saying that what the other person did to you is ok?

 

And if you are supposed to forgive, or need to, why not just take them back or why break up at all? Everyone makes mistakes, I've heard that a lot too. So why can't two people just stay as is? To what point does forgiveness work? If that makes sense? I'm sorry, I hope this is coming across clearly. Thanks.

[BC1980]

Hi all, I recently went through a break up and it has me thinking a lot. I did post about it here and it happened in August. Basically I was pretty hurt by someone. I was not able to get over certain things he did so I had to bail. I am regretting it but if I can't forgive him, then why bother right?

 

But the stigma, I guess you can say, is you have to forgive before you can be at peace, and for as long as I can remember I've been hearing about the power of forgiveness, etc etc. regardless of the situation. But, when you forgive, aren't you are saying that what the other person did to you is ok?

 

And if you are supposed to forgive, or need to, why not just take them back or why break up at all? Everyone makes mistakes, I've heard that a lot too. So why can't two people just stay as is? To what point does forgiveness work? If that makes sense? I'm sorry, I hope this is coming across clearly. Thanks.

 

Forgiveness is not saying what the person did was okay. It's not saying you agree with what they did. I struggled a lot with forgiveness because I was very confused as to what it even was. Truly, I had never been in a situation where I felt such a wrong had been done to me that I need to explore forgiveness to move on. Forgiveness is more about letting go and moving on. It's about saying I no longer hold a grudge against you because it's only hurting me. I wouldn't rush into it, depending on what happened. For me, I wasn't even open to the idea of forgiveness until a year after the breakup. It wasn't even on the table for consideration until that point.

 

I read an article that explained forgiveness pretty well. It said that when you forgive, you are basically saying that there is no way this person could repay you for what happened. This is not something like a monetary debt that can be repaid, so the only option is for you to forgive the debt by letting it go. It's pretty much only for you to do when you decide the time is right. I have to keep deciding to forgive because I'm tired of my ex's actions weighing me down and ruining my future. That is why I choose to forgive. I absolutely do not think what he did was okay because it wasn't. But I can't continue to hold a grudge against a person I no longer talk to.

[Ronni_W]

To add to what BC1980 said. Forgiveness can also be just a sort of 'bigger picture' view that says, "I forgive you for still having all these human flaws and failings, and for still making mistakes...which all the rest of us humans also make...we're all just making different kinds of mistakes. So, I forgive you because you and I are the same, in that respect."

 

But it goes on to say, "However, I do NOT want the impact of the mistakes that you're still making, in my life or my energy field. I will NOT tolerate that for myself. I get that you're doing the best you can - just like I am - BUT I am looking for something different, something a little 'higher', something a little more joyful and inspirational, for my own experience. You have the perfect right to choose what you're choosing - as do I, and I am choosing to NOT keep the negative effects and impact and energy of the mistakes that you're choosing to make, in my own life."

 

Ultimately, your forgiveness will set you free from their crap and their negative energy that could be in your life; either if you keep them physically in your life, or energetically, by keeping them in your thoughts.

 

So why can't two people just stay as is?

Because in life, we are either growing or contracting...becoming more or becoming less. We can use force and control so that it seems to maintain the status quo, but eventually the laws of physics will win out.

[fire_angel94]

My boyfriend and I fight constantly. We often break up after every fight and patch back together.

 

To me, forgiving is putting it past you. There were so many times's I felt wronged and my pride wouldn't let me let it go. But what I did was let myself be happy and try my best to cheer up. Once you do, face the problem again and ask yourself if it was really a big deal.

 

Doing this lets me put everything into perspective again and gradually let go of the grudges I had. Because to me, nothing is more important than the relationship I have with him. I just love him that much.

 

I guess it's about knowing what is more important?

 

And to the other question, You can forgive a person for what he/she has done but that doesn't mean that you want to go through it all over again. You break up not only because you can't forgive but because your opinion of the person has changed. But these are my two cents.

 

Hope this helps.

Edited December 1, 2014 by fire_angel94
grammar

[Arieswoman]

glamtran,

IMO this "forgiveness" business is a load of BS.

 

You don't have to forgive if you can't/don't want to.

 

I don't believe it gives you closure and/or helps you heal.

 

What I do believe in is acceptance.

 

I have never forgiven my exH for cheating on me (and loads of other stuff he did) because to me it wasn't a mistake he made. It wasn't an accident. It was a calculated strategy he followed for his own gratification and there was no excuse for it.

 

However, I accept that it happened, that I can't change it, that I will never get an explanation or an apology and have moved on.

 

I have peace and satisfaction because I am no longer with him and he is now someone else's problem.

 

Be true to yourself - good luck x

[LostInLosingLove]

And if you are supposed to forgive, or need to, why not just take them back or why break up at all? Everyone makes mistakes, I've heard that a lot too. So why can't two people just stay as is? To what point does forgiveness work?

 

I personally don't think it's so black and white. Staying in a relationship needs other things like trust and respect(to name a couple). Just because you forgive someone doesn't necessarily mean that the trust has been rebuilt or that you can respect that person.

 

So as others have mentioned, forgiveness is about not allowing others wrongdoings against you to control any aspect of your life, as well as not holding it against them any longer.

Edited December 1, 2014 by LostInLosingLove