When did you contact your ex (ex contact you)?

[Zard0z]

Just curious under what conditions dumpers make contact with their ex's. If you don't mind could you answer a few of these questions?

 

1) Gender

 

2) Dumper or Dumpee?

 

3) Duration of relationship?

 

4) Condition of breakup? (was there fighting, infidelity, did you get a reason? Actions post breakup? Did you do any kind of NC/LC?)

 

5) When did they contact you and what was the result?

[Mi7522]

Just curious under what conditions dumpers make contact with their ex's. If you don't mind could you answer a few of these questions?

 

1) Gender

 

2) Dumper or Dumpee?

 

3) Duration of relationship?

 

4) Condition of breakup? (was there fighting, infidelity, did you get a reason? Actions post breakup? Did you do any kind of NC/LC?)

 

5) When did they contact you and what was the result?

 

 

1) Male

 

2) Dumpee

 

3) 4 months

 

4) Too fast too soon and I was a bit smothering near the end. We had LC the first 1.5 months post BU but nothing substantial. There was no fighting we actually got along fine or so I thought

 

5) They haven't since we started NC 3 weeks ago

[Zard0z]

**Also important**

 

**Did either party see someone else during BU?

[Zard0z]

As for me

 

1) Male

 

2) Dumpee

 

3) 14mos

 

4) No substantial reason. 'Falling out of love', assumption that it wasn't meant to last due to cultural barrier and assumption that I would leave her country for grad school.

 

Normal Contact for about two weeks. One nice post-brrak up quasi-date with tender physical contact, fun and laughs. Followed a week later by her telling me she's moved on to someone else. Me blowing off steam and then paving it over with appologies accepted.

 

5) NC for nearly 3 weeks since then.

 

**She's entered what may be a rebound. I'm dating a girl I met during NC.

[xUnknown]

1) Gender

Male

 

2) Dumper or Dumpee?

Dumpee

 

3) Duration of relationship?

few weeks shy of 2 years

 

4) Condition of breakup? (was there fighting, infidelity, did you get a reason? Actions post breakup? Did you do any kind of NC/LC?)

She moved for work. Stress, self esteem issues, I was on house arrest, needed to work on herself

 

5) When did they contact you and what was the result?

NC. Ex contacted me 3 weeks post BU. Once on our anniv, saying 'she was thinking about me' and I'm 'never far from her thoughts'. Next day about car problem. I responded and tied up the loose end (car problem). Back to NC. Then about 7 weeks later she showed up unannounced at my door and admitted how wrong she was, mistake she made, wants me back, long term...the whole 9 yards.

 

We went on a first date about 6 weeks later. Dating for next 4 months. Became official. She moved for 3 months for work. I broke up with her because again, she wasn't happy. Essentially same things she said first time. We broke up 1 day before we broke up the year before...talk about timing. Now broken up for 5.5 weeks.

[Ducky71]

Just curious under what conditions dumpers make contact with their ex's. If you don't mind could you answer a few of these questions?

 

1) Gender

 

 

Male

 

2) Dumper or Dumpee?

 

 

Dumper

 

3) Duration of relationship?

 

 

3 years, then another 1 after 3 years apart

 

4) Condition of breakup? (was there fighting, infidelity, did you get a reason? Actions post breakup? Did you do any kind of NC/LC?)

 

 

Emotional abuse (hers), infidelity (hers), selfishness (hers). Immediate NC for 3 years

 

5) When did they contact you and what was the result?

 

 

Several times over the years, she wrote long rambling incoherent letters. She left a note in my mailbox about a phony cleaning service (she had very distinctive handwriting, I knew it was her). 3 separate phony FB accts, one in her 10 year old sons' name. "Mistaken pocket dialing" my phone. Assorted drive-bys, dozens as it were. The result (after 3 years of this) was me emailing her to tell her to stop, at which point she denied most of all that, missed me, wanted to see me blah blah blah...and I caved...

 

"Did they see someone else during BU"

 

 

Yup, almost immediately, several guys, lied about it at first but then I found out differently. We started out as just a FWB situation but with the caveat that we remain monogamous until one or the other met someone for a LTR. She begged me to take her back, asked if she could move in, I told her "No, I can't trust you" Always trust your instincts!!! Unbeknownst to me, she already had a BF 6 months before we 're-connected' so she wasn't actually cheating on me, but with me. I found out she was a 'sugarbaby' to several other men, for what I can only imagine was almost the entire time I'd known her. That's un-effing-acceptable. (and yes, I got tested the second I found out) The sex was great, we had a good rapport but she was just too much of an immoral whore to have in my life.

 

Not quite sure what the point of this thread is but you can take comfort in the fact that someone always has it worse than you...

[LifeGoesOnMan]

I went through the NC go-round like 6 times with mine lol

 

 

each time I walked away, each time she came back wanting to "make things work"

 

 

each time took around 30-40 days of NC before she contacted me with some form of bs I would fall for :sick:

 

 

 

...things never did work out lol

Edited November 10, 2014 by LifeGoesOnMan

[mapofyourhead]

1) Gender

Female

 

2) Dumper or Dumpee?

Dumpee

 

3) Duration of relationship?

About a year

 

4) Condition of breakup? (was there fighting, infidelity, did you get a reason? Actions post breakup? Did you do any kind of NC/LC?)

He wasn't ready for a serious relationship, and didn't think he loved me. Breaking up was extremely emotional and sad. Went immediate NC. Slipped up once about a month later but it was a very short text conversation, then went back to NC and never broke it.

 

5) When did they contact you and what was the result?

He sent me a text about 5 months later. It seemed like a breadcrumb so I ignored it. Then he sent me an email pouring out his feelings. We met up to talk, he said he realized he loved me and wanted to be in a serious, committed relationship with me because I was special, he could see himself marrying me, he wanted to try harder this time, blah blah blah. 3 months later I was more or less forced to dump him because he was too stressed out with things going on in his life and didn't want/couldn't handle a relationship anymore.

[dumbass2]

1) Gender

Male

 

2) Dumper or Dumpee?

Dumpee

 

3) Duration of relationship?

6 months

 

4) Condition of breakup? (was there fighting, infidelity, did you get a reason? Actions post breakup? Did you do any kind of NC/LC?)

she was just recently single when we met after a long marriage then 3 yr relationship. I wanted a relationship and she wasn't ready and felt she needed to date more. both of us are 40+. She said the time we were together was fantastic, passionate and times she will never forget.

 

5) When did they contact you and what was the result?

5 months after break up and 3 months NC she sent me a personalized text about an event and she was so excited for me. We text back and forth sporadically for a month until we just met for lunch for 2 hours. she came on strong and flirty just before we confirmed the date. At lunch she was very complimentary on my looks, she was flirty, told me she was dating someone (i didn't ask) and came off like she isn't too happy. Also shared some past dating horror stories. she asked me if I was seeing anyone and I said I was dating someone and that's all I said. she wanted more info, I was vague. She reminisced a lot including the sex. I was vague and did not ask her questions other than a few about her work, kids, that kind of stuff. We left with a tight hug and her saying I was the perfect height. No contact 6 days since. I do still have feelings for her.

 

After getting some great advice on here and finally realizing that she is not the only one for me I decided to go ahead with the meeting and I showed myself how far I have come. I am confident and know I don't have to have her in my life to be happy.

Edited November 11, 2014 by dumbass2

[Tabitha87]

1) Gender - Female

 

2) Dumper or Dumpee? - Dumper

 

3) Duration of relationship? - A little over a year

 

4) Condition of breakup? (was there fighting, infidelity, did you get a reason? Actions post breakup? Did you do any kind of NC/LC?) - I had cheated a month into the relationship. We only ever argued whenI wasn't around him because he felt insecure that I was up to no good (I wasn't though). I broke up with him because I felt that it was best so that I wouldn't hurt him anymore.

 

A month later I met my now ex who I broke up with a little over a month ago & have 2 kids with. We started dating after a few months of meeting.

 

I would always send my old ex messages but never got a response. I'm told now that this was out of respect for my new relationship as he didn't want to interfere.

 

5) When did they contact you and what was the result? - He contacted me back in March but I hadn't seen the message until September. He thought I was still single at that point (I had broken up with my recent ex many times over the years). The message was "Heey. U remember me. Wow. U have a kid now? I just wanted to let u know that I still miss and think of u". I wrote back saying "Hi. Of course I remember you. That's a silly question. Yes. I have 2 kids."

 

He ignored me again because he found out I was back with the other guy. A few weeks later he was arrested for selling weed & put in prison.

 

I have since broken up with the other guy again and my old ex's sister and a few friends have messaged me to let me know that he's interested in talking to me (wants me to write him a letter) & his sister explained his reasoning for having ignored me all these years, but said that he's loved me all this time & would really like to talk now.

 

So, that's where I'm at right now. I'm struggling with what to say in the letter.

[Antares]

1) Gender

Male

 

2) Dumper or Dumpee?

Dumpee

 

3) Duration of relationship?

4 Months

 

4) Condition of breakup? (was there fighting, infidelity, did you get a reason? Actions post breakup? Did you do any kind of NC/LC?)

She seemed stressed out. She was shy and not used to dating. Our time together was her longest at the time. Everything was going fine, we were taking it slow, but I think it was stressing her somewhat. A week the before the BU she was bombing my phone with text messages, asking me out to lunch, paying for meals for both of us. We got along amazingly. Had the same sense of weird sense of humor, passions, etc. It just didn't work out.

 

5) When did they contact you and what was the result?

The Break up call lasted about an hour or so, she was sobbing a bit. And I let her speak her mind. I went NC immediately.

 

3 months later, she texts me out of the blue asking if how I was doing. I responded the next day, and we had LC for a few weeks. I found out the she lost a close relative and I was the first person she reached out to - which is why she originally texted me. At the time it confused me, since she broke up with me for not knowing if she liked me, or wanted to lead me on. Another few weeks later we chatted on the phone for like...2 hours. Joking and teasing, and getting up to speed on everything. It was like old times. She asked if I was seeing anyone, and I asked her the same. She went thru her reasons for the break up in more detail, and I said it's ok, its the past, it was the right call to make. I thought she was leading up to asking if we wanted to try again (because the chat was going very well) but she said no. She said it was best to go our own ways. I sensed some confusion on her part, as she really wanted to be friends, but admitted to knowing that that couldn't happen. We agreed to speak again someday but I haven't heard from her since.

 

That phone call was, geez, 15 months ago now. I still think about her. I've gone out with other women since but she was definitely cool. Somedays, I do think about reaching out to text her. Even if just to say hi, and that's it.

[me85]

Just curious under what conditions dumpers make contact with their ex's. If you don't mind could you answer a few of these questions?

 

1) Gender

 

2) Dumper or Dumpee?

 

3) Duration of relationship?

 

4) Condition of breakup? (was there fighting, infidelity, did you get a reason? Actions post breakup? Did you do any kind of NC/LC?)

 

5) When did they contact you and what was the result?

 

Female

 

Dumpee

 

2 years

 

lots of fighting suspicion of dishonesty/cheating on his part

 

ex has never stopped initiating contact 16 months post BU (and I have been guilty of initiating contact myself)

[e4u]

male, dumpee, 2y, nc for 1 mo, heard nothing, don't expect to.

Edited November 21, 2014 by e4u

[Shields boy]

Male

 

Dumper

 

I left for school, she was meeting another guy.

 

8/12 year relationship.

 

She ended up getting engaged and pregnant within two years after I last seen her.

 

9 months after having her baby, she came crawling back. So that makes it 2 years and 9 months.

 

I refused to speak.

[e4u]

Male

 

 

I refused to speak.

 

Glad to read you have big balls. Few men on these forums seem to. Either that or you're so over her you don't need the big ones anyways (those are painful to drag around anyways).

[Shields boy]

Glad to read you have big balls. Few men on these forums seem to. Either that or you're so over her you don't need the big ones anyways (those are painful to drag around anyways).

 

No mate, was just to wounded at the time.

 

In life there are just some people who you will never get over.

[chados]

Just curious under what conditions dumpers make contact with their ex's. If you don't mind could you answer a few of these questions?

 

1) Gender male

 

2) Dumpee

 

3) Duration of relationship? 3 years almost

 

4) Condition of breakup? (was there fighting, infidelity, did you get a reason? Actions post breakup? Did you do any kind of NC/LC?)

 

out of the blue. and the reason she told me was that she didnt know what she wanted with her life. i know the reason was she got scared of me changing/getting insecure. and pushing her to make decisions.

 

5) When did they contact you and what was the result?

 

i contacted her after 3 days for a meetup. why? cause i just didnt feel any anger towards her anymore. the tention was gone. she said shell think about it. then i texted her around 2 weeks after telling her i have to let her go. she ended up saying. i still feel some pressure from you to answering you right away. which to me means, she just doesnt know. she loves me but she doesnt want me to be around right now. yet she cant let me go.

 

ive been through this before, and i do believe she'll come back. this is just different from other experiences. she just loves me to much.

[stillhoping8]

1) Gender

 

Male

 

2) Dumper or Dumpee?

 

Dumpee

 

3) Duration of relationship?

 

8 years +

 

4) Condition of breakup? (was there fighting, infidelity, did you get a reason? Actions post breakup? Did you do any kind of NC/LC?)

 

Still fresh out of breakup. Low contact, she came by to get her things. She cried and I handled it pretty well. I gave her some flowers to say thank you for making me become a better person. She accepted them and cried and hugged me.

 

5) When did they contact you and what was the result?

 

She contacted me again today to ask about some stuff. I am meeting her to give her the things.

 

Really confused about this. After more than 8 years I feel my life is coming to an end. Don't know what to expect next.

[Danda]

1) I am a female. Ex is a male.

 

2) I was the dumper.

 

3) 3 Years

 

4) He seemed disinterested, we were fighting a lot, he was fooling around with my coworker, was just an all around blatant mess

 

5) A couple months after the break up he sent me a (seemingly drunk) email around 3AM telling me merry christmas a week before christmas, and I ignored it (mostly for dignity reasons, I figured he might wake up the next day and be like oh **** I drunk emailed my ex, so I just pretended it didn't happen).

 

I gave it half a year before testing the waters to see if we could be friends. I had the impression that he and I had always been great friends but were just not compatible for romance, and that it just sucked all around that if we broke up and dated other people, then our friendship would never really be the same in many ways (we had been living together for years). So neither of us wanted to break up and yet we were super bad for each other romance-wise.

 

6) He started dating my coworker less than two weeks after I dumped him, they were together for about a year and a half (I think) and then he dumped her.

 

We are still on distant/awkward terms to this day. Once in a blue moon I get a random email or text from him, we chat a little bit and then he falls off the grid again.

[Cailinsona]

1) I'm female

 

2) I'm the dumpee

 

3) 6 month relationship (so pretty short, but serious- saw a future together)

 

4) He broke up with me out of the blue...no clear reason given....

 

5) He contacted me 10 months later- I ignored for first month- initial ' Hi, how are you?' emails, followed by more ardent emails, and then phone calls.

 

Agreed to meet, he said he had made a mistake, wanted to try again....

 

No contact for another month (I was letting him do all the work), he came back again and suggested we begin all over again by dating...

 

It's now another 2 months down the track, things are going slowly...we still love each other...it's not always easy...but we're happy for now....so who knows what the future holds?

Edited December 6, 2014 by Cailinsona

[ponchsox]

1) I'm female

 

2) I'm the dumpee

 

3) 6 month relationship (so pretty short, but serious- saw a future together)

 

4) He broke up with me out of the blue...no clear reason given....

 

5) He contacted me 10 months later- I ignored for first month- initial ' Hi, how are you?' emails, followed by more ardent emails, and then phone calls.

 

Agreed to meet, he said he had made a mistake, wanted to try again....

 

No contact for another month (I was letting him do all the work), he came back again and suggested we begin all over again by dating...

 

It's now another 2 months down the track, things are going slowly...we still love each other...it's not always easy...but we're happy for now....so who knows what the future holds?

 

This won't end well. He's gone when he finds something else. He's already done it once.

[erklat]

It seems like contacts when nc was longer than a year are

very few.

 

Mostly it happens under 6 months. It would partially explain

why are lasting reconciliations so rare. No substantial changes

could have been achieved in time span so short.

[Cailinsona]

I am of the same mind as you Ponchsox- that's why it took me a while to respond to him!

 

I've never given anyone a second chance before and I'm fully aware that it may not work out. I've been paying close attention to all the wise LS advice.

 

It's entirely possible that he may do the same thing again, hence why I'm interested in re-establishing a friendship first and taking things very slowly. I've made it crystal clear that I won't accept anything other than complete honesty and consistency from him.

 

I couldn't have even contemplated this step if it wasn't now over a year since the original break up. My head's in a far better place now, so if it doesn't work out I will be able to move on.

 

I've dated a lot in the past year and I know that there are other possibilities out there.

 

I've also seen many couples get back together after time apart (my parents included) so whilst the chances are slim I'm willing to take the risk!

[Maggie4]

1) F

2) Dumper

3) 6 months

4) fighting, NC, then LC, then NC

5) I contacted him. Nothing changed.

[Maggie4]

It seems like contacts when nc was longer than a year are

very few.

 

Mostly it happens under 6 months. It would partially explain

why are lasting reconciliations so rare. No substantial changes

could have been achieved in time span so short.

 

That's really insightful! It explains a lot of things. It's true, people don't change within a few months. You go bad for the good stuff, then you find all the bad stuff is still there.