Is the Myth of "Just friends" really just a myth?

[Kaiten]

There is a girl that I like. Her name is Ashley. Ashley and I have been knowing each other for a while now. Almost 3 years.

 

Me and Ashley met on a trip, and we really hit it off. I was surprised. She and I were so different that I never thought we'd be into each other.

 

But I wouldn't be here asking for advice if it was all rosy, would I?

 

Ashley and I became really close friends over time. We talked very often. And saw each other at church a lot too. When I wrote my first book, she was the first one to read it. That meant the world to me.

 

We both ended up interested in each other romantically around the same time, and were somewhat flirty with each other, but I chose not to make a move for a relationship.

 

Even though I really like her and she liked me (at the time), I do not regret not making a move then, because I had quite a bit of finding myself to do.

 

Now, I know what I want to do with my life and everything. I am so much more confident in who I am than i was 1 year ago.

 

During that year I was finding myself, Ashley had spent 6 months studying abroad in Australia. In all honesty, I had never felt that way about losing a friend as I did when Ashley left.

 

I had had friends leave and go away countless times before, and I never felt sad about it because I knew they were bettering themselves. She had a going away party, that I ended up missing. <- I regret that bigtime.

 

I think it also upset Ashley's mother that I didn't come because she knew how her daughter felt about me.

 

When Ashley left for Australia, I couldn't stop thinking about her. She was supposed to be doing her entire college abroad. I thought I would never see her again. We both thought that, actually.

 

I messaged her on facebook, and her replies were sort of sparse; thin and scattered. I could only assume that this was because she was very busy with schoolwork and making new friends.

 

After a while she didn't respond. Probably because she wasn't thinking of me at all? I figured that was it.

 

I did my best to let her go. I deleted my facebook for awhile, but I am an event coordinator and then cameraman for those events so when I deleted my facebook, I got a lot of text about links to content that I had uploaded that had been erased w/ my profile. So I un-deleted my facebook, and just removed Ashley from my friends list. I thought she'd never even bother to notice. And I began to work on myself and my dreams.

 

One random day, months down the line, her mother came up to me at church and had like a 30 minute talk with me.

 

Her mother told me that Ashley cared about me a lot, and that she didn't want things to end on a bad note. Ashley was also concerned that she may have hurt me because everyone knew how I felt about her.

 

At this point, I still thought I would never see Ashley again so I calmly said, "No, no. I hope she isn't too worried about it. The way I thought of it was that we were friends who went to a train station and got on two different trains. That's all."

 

Her mother nodded and said again that Ashley really cared about me. For like 3 days that had gone straight over my head. But it got me back to missing Ashley.

 

I tried to message her on facebook again. This time, I got a reply. And she asked how I had been. I told her that I was well and that I was relieved to hear from her because I thought I never would again.

 

And that's when she asked "Is that why you unfriended me?"

 

And I told her the truth. I was trying to get her off my mind.

 

And then she asked me an odd question. "So what do you think of me?"

 

and then "Hey, was the reason you thought you would never talk to me again because I moved or something else?"

 

I answered all her questions honestly. She thought that I was mad at her, but I was just trying to do what I thought was best for me since she was gone now.

 

And that's when she told me that she had let herself get too close, and that we couldn't talk anymore.

 

That crushed me. At this point, I can only assume she hates me.

 

And so to fast forward with the highlights

 

=> 3 months pass

 

=> After that we just didn't communicate

 

=> Then she randomly shows back up in America at church one day

 

=> I didn't know if I should approach her or not, so I didn't do anything.

 

I was just acting off of what she had last told me, which was that we couldn't talk anymore. But every time she would walk past me, she would reach out and touch me.

 

Now I was confused.

 

It seemed like she wanted me to talk to her. So after a couple times of seeing her and her touching me a lot (She literally did it every time we passed), I told her "Hey... why don't we talk?"

 

and she agreed.

 

Another fast forward

 

=> we sat and talked for over an hour and a half one day

 

=> during that talk we laughed and shared things like we had in the past

 

=> She told me she had regretted saying that we couldn't talk, and that she had missed me

 

=> I thought everything was gonna be awesome again

 

=> Nope

 

One day we were texting as usual and I told her that I was glad she was back and that I had missed her. She responded saying that she was going to give me a big hug.

 

I thought that was great, but then after that she just stopped replying.

 

And then one day she just said out of the blue that she really needed me to understand that we could only be friends.

 

I accepted that. We had been friends for a long time already.

 

I decided it may be best to give her some space. Whenever I did, she would always reach out first. But when i would engage in conversation, she would pull back.

 

It was getting old fast after two weeks of that. Things were obviously different than they were before.

 

I asked her what was wrong. I told Ashley she could be brutally honest. She insisted that nothing was wrong. But she would still act strange around me. She would still barely reply to my texts. Sometimes she would respond a day later, sometimes she would respond only with a thumbs up icon.

 

It was rather belittling. Here I was trying to be her friend, and she's obviously feeling something she isn't telling me, and then responding like she's my ex or something.

 

I stopped texting her altogether, and didn't make any effort to speak when I saw her.

 

Then after a week of NC (is it NC if the other person is your friend?), she reached out to me again with the "Hey" text.

 

I responded in kind. And then out of the blue, she says,

 

"You know how you asked me why things were different?"

 

At this point, I didn't care as much, but I didn't want to be a jerk. I asked her what was up and she told me this

 

=> it was because there had been more than one time that she thought she would never see me again. (I had actually left church for a while after discovering that the pastor had been dishonest with a few people. You can find the thread on my profile)

 

=> And that it was hard to be my friend while she's thinking that I may leave her again. "It was like we were close friends and all of a sudden everything was nothing. Like none of it mattered"

 

=> She told me that those times were not easy for her

 

=> And that she was telling me this so that things could get better

 

 

And with that, we come to the present day. I actually love this girl, but things have been kinda shaky in the past already. I just want to be straight up with her. I have told her about my feelings for her (like 2 days ago) and she didn't tell me how she felt. So that means obviously not the same.

 

But honestly, now I am feeling kinda hurt. I always feel like our entire relationship exists on her terms. I really do love this girl, but being friends is now difficult because she is right in front of me all the time.

 

As it stands now, I sometimes want to just call off the friendship because it hurts me. It's just not what it used to be. And i feel like we are kind of both acting as children would even though we are in our twenties. That's really aggravating.

 

If I tell her I can't do this, then it could hurt her again, and then she might not speak to me for real. I love her. But I am feeling more and more hurt as time goes on.

 

What should I do?

 

** so sorry for the long - ass post **

[Ronni_W]

Kaiten,

For sure, childlike behaviour...but mostly from her side, IMO.

From you side...a lot of just going back-and-forth, up-and-down like a yo-yo or a puppet on (her) string.

 

When you do what you believe is in your own best interest, for your own mental-emotional well-being, sense of inner peace, desire to stay sane and safe...if other people are going to take that personally and feel "hurt" or put-out in any way, then they're really only thinking about themselves.

 

But it is for you to express, fully verbalize all of that -- your own feelings, needs, views, fears, dreams -- to her in an adult and a kind, caring way.

 

Before that, though, I would almost say that first you have to look at your own long-term plans. Are you going to be moving to a different city? Are you even going to stay as a member of that church?

It's all going to make a difference to your long-term impact on her.

 

You've both been acting rather immaturely; without a lot of more-adult communication skills being demonstrated from either side. It's therefore a little unfair or maybe short-sighted to feel "hurt" by it. Maybe "regret" at her current level/lack of knowing how better to do relationships (romantic, friendship, potentially-romantic friendship)...might be a better choice for how to feel. And she ought cut you the same slack.

 

If you're honest and adult and sincere, and give her as much information about yourself as you have to give and do that in the kindest, most adult way you can...then if she stops speaking with you, then she does. It won't get any better for you (nor for her) until you BOTH step-up. And it is perfectly okay for you to be the one to step-up first.

 

In any case, if she does stop speaking with you...what exactly is it that you would be "losing"??? Versus. If you do stand up and speak out for yourself, what is it that you might end up gaining?

[Kaiten]

You're right, Ronni. Thanks for replying.

 

I plan on doing everything necessary to be successful. I would hate to lose her (at least I would hate it at the time) but I guess I need to man up and make the sacrifices necessary to be who I know I can be.

 

I don't go to church very often. So that'll probably make it too hard to be her to even be my friend. I admire the Christian worldview, but it may just be too hard to be in their circle for me.

 

Thanks again for your help!

 

(I am a believer, but not a believer in dogma)

[Ronni_W]

I plan on doing everything necessary to be successful. I would hate to lose her (at least I would hate it at the time) but I guess I need to man up and make the sacrifices necessary to be who I know I can be.

Yes, precisely.

 

Nothing good is likely to come from keeping yourself attached to, or trying to get yourself tied into, a situation or part of a situation that you already know does not fully support, nurture, inspire, encourage you.

Ashley is only one piece in that whole puzzle and, to my understanding, it's the whole puzzle that is not so appealing to you for your most wonderful and rewarding long-term.

 

It will take lots of courage and self-reliant, independent thinking and making brave choices and decisions on your part; letting go of the 'tried and true' and familiar is never easy...no matter that we also fully realize all the crappy stuff about it. And to pursue Ashley or try to maintain whatever-it-is you have (which seems to me not that much shared that is truly positive, uplifting for either of you), will only make it more difficult for you, in the long run.

 

Wishing you extreme happiness in life and success in all your endeavours.

[Kaiten]

Glad I called you Ronni. You're so real

[Absinthe]

She's mad at you because she has feelings for you, and you're frustratingly out of reach for her. All the things Ashley is doing are for self-preservation - the pulling back, the wanting to go NC because "it hurts". This is also why there is tension in the friendship. Trust me, I've been there.

 

It's admirable that you want to better yourself. But I think you need to be more honest with Ashley. Perhaps then she can understand.