Day 13 of NC and losing hope. What's your on my situation?

[Emma81183]

I started NC with my ex of a year and a half 13 days ago. Our relationship was a pretty good one. We never had any huge problems....it wasn't an unhealthy or crazy relationship. He was a good boyfriend and I was a good girlfriend. However 3 months ago I was actually the one to break up with him because I felt our connection wasn't the same anymore and I was losing attraction and interest for him. I knew he was a good person but I would always wonder if he was really "the one".

 

He was pretty sad about the breakup and begged for me back. We ended things on good terms though. Now here I am wanting him back again. So I ended up asking him to go out to dinner with me. We had a good nice, and there was a connection on both ends. We both discussed over dinner that we had casually been seeing other ppl. It hurt me to hear that, and I could see that it hurt him as well. I found myself not wanting to let him go at the end of dinner. He could tell that I was clinging on to him and I could tell it made him confused and uncomfortable so he left pretty quickly.

 

Right after that I called him back and basically told him I didn't want him to go and begged him to com back and talk things out with me. We ended up having sex....and I basically begged for him back. I told him what a mistake I made and how much I miss him. He kept saying "i don't know what I want" and "I don't want to rush back into things". I had never felt him act so cold towards me. It hurt a lot. At this point I was freaking out inside and I thought I had to prove to him how much I still love him.

 

So a few days later I ended up writing him a hand written letter and I drove to his house to talk to him and waited 4 hours in a parking lot near where he lives....while he was on a date with someone else. And didn't leave until I ended up realizing he wasn't coming home that night . (I realize how crazy this comes off. But at the time I was an emotional wreck and I thought he was just scared to come back to me because of how much I hurt him and I wanted to prove to him that I cared).

 

I am actually familiar with the no contact principles and I used them on him about a year ago when he talked about breaking up with me and I got him back to same day. Anyways......he ended up telling me that he misses some of the stuff that I miss too....but just doesn't know what he wants right now. And needs time. He told me that if I said these things two weeks earlier that things might be different, because he had just started getting over me and going out more.

 

So ever since that convo I have pulled it together and have been no contact for the past 13 days. No word from him at all yet. I'm started to get worried. I am freaking out that he is forgetting about me and is moving on with someone else.

 

I'm just wondering if I messed things up too badly already and if this won't work for me since my situation is a little bit different? Thanks!

Edited July 31, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[PegNosePete]

NC is not a magic trick to get someone to take you back.

 

If he doesn't want to try again then no amount of NC will change his mind.

 

However if he does want to try again then going NC may help seal the deal...

 

But if he hasn't contacted you then chances are that he doesn't want to take you back... sorry to say... you have to accept that it's over. NC will help you deal with this.

[Emma81183]

Yes I understand that. But he said he "doesn't know what he wants" and "needs time to figure it out". He also said that he misses some of the stuff that I said I missed.

[PegNosePete]

Same old same old same old stuff that they ALL say.

 

It's breadcrumbs.

 

If he wanted to try again then he would be moving heaven and earth to get you back. He would be blowing up your phone, facebook, email, crawling through broken glass on his hands and knees, begging you to take him back. Is he doing any of those things?

[Emma81183]

Okay well he asked for space, I am giving him space. That's the whole point of NC. Obviously at this point he isn't in a place where he feels strongly enough to try again. I'm not an idiot. I don't expect him to come crawling back to me in an instant. But i do believe that NC can work to make someone realize your value again and that you won't always be there for them to fall back on.....therefore making them feel a fear of loss and miss you. I am mainly asking to hear other peoples experiences with NC for a second chance with an ex. Clearly it is not something you believe in.

[PegNosePete]

Oh on the contrary. I believe that NC will give you the best possible chance of a reconciliation. But for it to "work", he needs to have that seed already planted within him. If he has made up his mind that he is better off without you, or better off with someone else, then NC will not magically change his mind.

 

Don't take these breadcrumbs to mean that he actually wants to try again. If he wanted that then he would have said so plainly and without any possible misinterpretation. What he's feeding you is not intent to try again, it is simply waffle. Maybe he's feeling bad, sad or guilty, who knows. But what he's not feeling is "I want to try again", because if he were feeling that, he would say that.

[Emma81183]

Okay. So then I should give up hope? :/. I guess you're right as much as it hurts. I keep thinking that if he wanted to talk he would contact me. I just feel helpless and hoped this night work.

[ThorntonMelon]

I think that if in two months you read these posts, you'd realize that right now you are out of your right mind, with grief, sadness, hurt, anger, passion, et al. You are in no shape to be making anything resembling a decision about anything.

 

NC is good for a lot of reasons, but it's also good because it forces you NOT to do anything. Your brain is completely incapable of proper decision making, proper boundaries, and is likely to be for quite awhile. So embrace that. You don't have to decide to do anything besides get through today. Then do that again tomorrow.

 

The last time I was really hurting from heartbreak, in a therapy session my therapist told me the things coming out of my mouth sounded like that of a drug addict - that I was literally acting like I was trying to rationalize finding my next hit. I didn't like that comment at all, but it stuck with me. You're trying to rationalize insane behavior. And that's ok. Right now insanity sounds sane.

 

We are here for you. Find a friend to vent to and a professional to vent to. And vent, and vent, and vent. And don't do anything your brain tells you to related to him. What your heart wants right now is removed from reality, and until you can re-set it completely, you need help avoiding terrible decisions.

[Summerrose2013]

When you broke up with him he begged for you back and now you have changed your mind but in the meantime he's got used to life without you and moved on, as anyone on this forum would have congratulated him on....when someone dumps you the trust is gone. Let him go....I bet he could have been writing your posts a few months back. He's turned the tables on you. I've had this done to me and it can turn what feels like the right decision into heartache but when you look back you will see its for the best.

[hoping2heal]

Sounds like he still has feelings for you

 

but

 

he doesn't trust you anymore. When you dumped him, you hurt him and he probably wants to go back to you but might not be letting himself because he can't trust you to not do it again.

 

So, there's the bittersweet part of a reconcile. Every (most) dumpee wants their ex back. When they have them back, they realize the security and trust is gone.

[AlphaC]

Okay well he asked for space, I am giving him space. That's the whole point of NC. Obviously at this point he isn't in a place where he feels strongly enough to try again. I'm not an idiot. I don't expect him to come crawling back to me in an instant. But i do believe that NC can work to make someone realize your value again and that you won't always be there for them to fall back on.....therefore making them feel a fear of loss and miss you. I am mainly asking to hear other peoples experiences with NC for a second chance with an ex. Clearly it is not something you believe in.

 

Emma, my ex of 1.5 years said the same thing to me "she needed space" to which I replied "take all the time you need."

I waited one month for her, 1 entire month, ya hear!! I didn't contact her, I didn't talk to any other women, I waited one whole month. After that month I didn't hear from her so I blocked her on everything, facebook, email, the works.

 

Two months later I had a new woman, prettier, smarter, younger, better educated, 10x sexier than my ex. I moved on, I upgraded, thank god I didn't wait for her when she asked for space, I would have been stuck today (10 months post break up).

 

Move on, seriously, let this guy go. You broke up for a reason, it's your ego that is bruised. I cannot even fathom the idea of being seen with my ex again, I have grown so much since that break up. Today whenever she creeps into my mind I asked myself "WHAT WAS I THINKING" seriously.

 

Trust the old saying, "some people come into your life for a reason, they were there to teach you something, they were not in your life to be your life partner."

 

"Give me space" = go away. Move on, upgrade and be happy. Honestly, your ex seems immature if he jumped into something so fast. I didn't start dating until 3 months post break up. Good luck.

[Black Knight]

Here is my advice on the situation, I think that you didn't know what you wanted in the beginning. You said that your boyfriend was a good guy and that you had no major issues, then out the blue you lose attraction and interest in him. He moves on and takes it on the chin and rebounds from this left hook you gave him. now you miss him and want him back. People are not toys or yo-yo's that you put away when you get bored and take em out when your ready to play again. You made your decision when you broke off the relationship, I know you may not want to hear this but this is the facts of the matter; he has moved on and doesn't want to risk being hurt by you again. Say, four months down the road if things worked out and your ex and you get back together, you may start feeling the same way again, right? Here is my suggestion take sometime to spend on you and what you really want. Many times people go from relationship to relationship and never spend time alone to learn about themselves and what is best for them at that moment in time. I hope these words are encouraging and uplifting to you.

[leoc1973]

OK Emma there are a few things that could be going on here.

 

1. He is playing the game that we have all read a million posts about. Where you dumped him and he is going to make you work for it a little bit. Go read how to get an ex back one of the main rules is not to take the dumper back right away. To be brutally honest he does need to teach you a lesson here so that next time you feel the relationship is stale you aren't so quick to dump him. If this is what he is doing then good for him.

 

2. He actually met a girl he really likes and he wants to see where it goes. If this is the case then I don't think you guys belong together. You don't want to be plan B whether you are the dumper or not. You don't wanna win by default and definitely don't want him back if this new chick dumps him.

 

3. He might be genuinely scared to open up to you again. Its pretty crushing to get dumped by someone you love. Look at all the guys on here and how much pain they are in.

 

4. He has every intention of coming back to you but wants to sleep with a few girls before he comes back guilt free. I have actually done this one myself when an ex dumped me.

 

5. He might be over you.

 

So what do you do? You keep dating. You are single. You might meet a man tomorrow who just completely takes your breath away. A year or so from now you might be madly in love and in a relationship that is not stale and you may be totally into someone else and you are going to say to yourself "Omg I almost went back to (whats his face) and I would never have met bob or bill or sven or whoever you meet. But this is the most important part.. Stop begging because you are pretty much handing him a get out of jail free card. He knows right now he can have you any time he wants. You have to take that feeling away from him and the only way to do it is to keep dating other men. You know how you feel right now right? Like you are freaking out because you feel him slipping away, right? He has to feel that or he is going to keep you waiting and suffering until he decides. You have to date. Its pretty much your only chance to get him back. And don't sleep around because it might disgust him. I had that happen to me before too. I wanted my ex back so bad till I heard she was with like 5 guys. Yuck!!

 

Its funny do you know how many people are on here right now that were the dumpee and wish they had the spine to do what your ex is doing to you? Like thousands. So if you are one of the other guys that is trying to get his ex back that I keep telling to start seeing other women. This is proof that it totally turns things around.