She broke up with me, then contacts me 3 days in a row?

[ap10]

Background:

 

In our mid 20's. Professionals, but very social. Met 3.5 months ago, been seeing eachother for 3 months. First 2 months she was all over me and needy. Seeing/staying together 3/4 times a week. No exclusive chat yet. She aksed me to be her gf, but i avoided etc. She has insecurities and it was obvious.

 

She moves house into a mix gender 5 person house. New beginning new friends etc. Then she withdrew slightly. We still contacted eachother everday, she would initiate most times, but we didnt get to see eachother for 1 week. I knew something was up. Decided to give her the exclusive chat and she was so happy and wanted it too. Apologised for being distant and said there is alot going on with move and us being together all the time for the first 2 months. Again, we speak, very close, but meeting up was an issue. Saw her one more time the week after and then she went Ibiza for a few days. Contacted eachother whilst she was there, still very close. Telling me she wished i was with her etc. She returns and yea we speak, but she's a bit off, still showing she cares, but not bubbly.

 

Summary of 2 weeks sine going exclusive

 

Still speaking/exting eachother, but not real urge to meet, but when we do its passionate and she cant take her hands/eyes off me etc.

 

Returns from Ibiz

1 day after at 12 midnight she wants to speak to me. She calls and she says that her heart wants to be with me but her mind is saying something else. She find it hard, tells me she doesnt want to do this. I keep it cool tell her its not issue, i liked you, but wish her all the best.

 

NEXT DAY

I begin the no contact rule as normal.

 

She texts me: 'i hope you're brother in law is ok' (she knew he was ill)

I respond: 'Hes recovering slowly. Thank you.

 

2ND day after breakup

I post a facebook photo of a location i am am

She Likes the photo and comments on it 'good boy!'

No response from me.

 

3rd day after breakup

9am in the morning - email at work from her 'I miss you! xx'

 

I blank her for 6 hours. Go back to her with 'what happened to sunday convo? an yea i miss you to.

 

Her response oh ok you dont have to be nasty. i miss you, alot! x

Me: Ok, well you need to be honest with yourself and express whats on your mind.

Her: You know i hate expressing my feeling, but i definitely want to see you x

Me: ok when?

Her: You kno im away for 4 days again from tomorrow, so next week?

Me: ok cool. However if you really want to see me i will be drinking near your office with mates, so you can call me

Her: Ok x

 

She calls and i go meet her. As i walk up she pulls me and kisses me and hugs me hard.

 

So I asked her to explain why her heart is in it but her mind is saying something else. She said that 3 weeks ago when I was with her and her mates I was quiet for a bit and all get friends asked if anything was wrong with me. Her best friend also was one of these people. She said this messed with her head. Her mind is asking whether she can see herself with me for the rest of her life. I explained that she needs to deal with this and that its crazy thinking about this. Told her she will out pressure on herself. Told her i already said that I liked her and want things to grow but this will just bing us back to the problems.

 

She then said that she does want to see me and wants to see me next week again and that her missing me proved she wants to me be with me. Anyway walked her to the station, i said something, it upset her. Ended a bit naf, but she said she wants to see me next week. I wished a good break. Brief text later. She told me again that i upset her earlier, i apologised and then wished her good trip and to call me Monday (i wont be contactin) and she says 'thanks baby x'

 

So does this girl really miss me? I mean it was less than 24 hours and she contact me, by the 3rd day she told me she missed me and wants me. BUT problem is that she said she cant see me herself with me in the future, but really wants to be with me? Heart wants it but mind says something else, then she realises how much she misses me. She is away now so will she miss me again will see!

 

Love to know people's thoughts on this BREAK-UP

[Tbisb74]

Oh. You've broken up? You could have fooled me!

Go No Contact, like the Guide says.

She cannot have her cake and eat it. Either she wants to be with you or she doesn't. Her head and heart cannot be in conflict, they should be on the same page. If they're not, that is her problem to sort out, not your knot to untangle. Go No Contact, seriously. look at the No Contact Guide in the breaking up forum, it's a pinned thread right at the top. If she tries to contact you, tell her you have given it a lot of thought and you do not want to hear from her again, unless it is to say that she wants to commit to this relationship 100%, and work on it with you. Full stop and end of story, it's not a game, there are no grey areas. She is either in, 100% or not. But you cannot allow yourself to be dangled on an elastic band like this.

[redbaron005]

Well, moves are stressful. However, she may have slept with someone a few times and got played and now is bouncing back to you? Or it was just to much to fast with you and she backed off? Either way, if you're willing to put in the work to be with her, meet up. And it's going to be a lot of work. She clearly is still figuring out what she wants, so you'd have to work through that as well.

[Simon Phoenix]

Sounds like she's weaning herself off of you. I wouldn't be responding personally. This girl seems like a flake. I would make her do a hell of a lot more to get back in this relationship -- you seem to be making it quite easy for her to have her cake and eat it too.

[ap10]

Oh. You've broken up? You could have fooled me!

Go No Contact, like the Guide says.

She cannot have her cake and eat it. Either she wants to be with you or she doesn't. Her head and heart cannot be in conflict, they should be on the same page. If they're not, that is her problem to sort out, not your knot to untangle. Go No Contact, seriously. look at the No Contact Guide in the breaking up forum, it's a pinned thread right at the top. If she tries to contact you, tell her you have given it a lot of thought and you do not want to hear from her again, unless it is to say that she wants to commit to this relationship 100%, and work on it with you. Full stop and end of story, it's not a game, there are no grey areas. She is either in, 100% or not. But you cannot allow yourself to be dangled on an elastic band like this.

 

I definitely agree. if she calls to meet me then i will turn up to meet, but be very casual and let her know that it would be great to be with her, but tell her exactly what you said. If the mind and heart don't connect and if shes not 100% willing to commit to work through it then its just not worth any of our time. I dont mind doing this face to face and saying goodbye if thats the case.

[ap10]

Well, moves are stressful. However, she may have slept with someone a few times and got played and now is bouncing back to you? Or it was just to much to fast with you and she backed off? Either way, if you're willing to put in the work to be with her, meet up. And it's going to be a lot of work. She clearly is still figuring out what she wants, so you'd have to work through that as well.

 

Shes not one to sleep around (she is a good girl, but i know you can never know for 100%) - 6 yr relationship, 1 year our travelling then 1.5 year relationship, then 3 months off and then met me. I was the first guy in her bed since then. She's been hurt before, so she has insecurities. Shes moved 5 times since her break up early this year. Her mind is all over the place and i think when things moved so fast she backed away. When i met her on wednesday she did say that she broke up, but missed me soo much and that her head is messed up, but she knows wants me, but doesnt want to let me down but not being able to give everything to me.

 

She basically just needs to hear the what i said above, so she can get her reality check and make her mind up. Shes a clever girl, very kind too. Close to her family, but they live in her hometown as she is now based in London since Uni days. When all this happened 3 weeks ago i was very surprised.

[ap10]

Any more thoughts on this people??

 

She will be back from her trip today. Ball is in her court to follow up on her actions of wanting me back and missing me last week. Told her to call me today (Monday), but will not be calling her if she doesnt.

[xUnknown]

I skimmed the comments here, but read your post. Personally, I think she does want to be with you. You said she called you after midnight (not sure if that was your time, or her time - if there is a time difference), but most likely alcohol was involved. She was confused, her friends got in her head - it happens. Especially in a new relationship, you over think and over analyze things. I think she was drinking with some friends and some topic came up and she just over thought it. Does she remember the convo, saying she doesn't want to be with you any more?

 

Instead of being distant and pulling back WITHOUT saying something - which I know many women would have, she told you that she was confused. She still sounds very interested in you. I say meet up with her and see how things go. I disagree with everyone here saying Go NC. See her and see how it goes. Trust your gut. I still think things are fine. What she said clearly didn't phase her from contacting you the following days after that conversation. Thats why Im thinking she was drinking and she wanted to "vent" to you.

 

Take is slow, but I would meet up and see how it all goes.

[xUnknown]

Another thing,

 

Slow it down. Do you're own thing sometimes. You said in the OP that you two hang out all the time and she is needy. You're not getting enough "you" time. You two can't be dependent on each other.

[ap10]

I skimmed the comments here, but read your post. Personally, I think she does want to be with you. You said she called you after midnight (not sure if that was your time, or her time - if there is a time difference), but most likely alcohol was involved. She was confused, her friends got in her head - it happens. Especially in a new relationship, you over think and over analyze things. I think she was drinking with some friends and some topic came up and she just over thought it. Does she remember the convo, saying she doesn't want to be with you any more?

 

Instead of being distant and pulling back WITHOUT saying something - which I know many women would have, she told you that she was confused. She still sounds very interested in you. I say meet up with her and see how things go. I disagree with everyone here saying Go NC. See her and see how it goes. Trust your gut. I still think things are fine. What she said clearly didn't phase her from contacting you the following days after that conversation. Thats why Im thinking she was drinking and she wanted to "vent" to you.

 

Take is slow, but I would meet up and see how it all goes.

 

You know i never actually though about it, but she went out for drinks the night she called with her best friend. Even when she was talking to me on the phone she was talking to me like a gf would. A

 

Anyway, i will definitely be taking things slow and just be casual. I told her to call me, which she wont forget if she really misses me.

 

HOWEVER - She has returned from her 4 day music festival as photos have gone up on facebook and instagram. However there is two photos with a guy. One is a selfie of them two with a caption 'cuties' and then another group photo, which she has cropped to show her and the guy with a caption 'met the most amazing people at the festival' and then her friend who was with her has commented 'cheeekyyy!'. All a bit annoying, but again it could all be nothing more than photo's, but she knows i will see this stuff. So again shes playing like a single girl, but telling me before going to a festival that she wants to be with me.

 

This is why i will not be contacting her unless she does. She didnt have to crop a damn photo of 4 people and keep the guy in it. Nothing bad in the photo, everyone is mutual you can tell, but then a selfie with the guy with a caption 'cuties'??????

[ThorntonMelon]

AP - you've posted several times about this - always with that detailed summary looking to analyze the hell out of this thing. A lot of immaturity and game playing on both sides.

 

Let's be realistic - if she wanted you, she calls you as soon as she returns. These mind games are crazy and they're making you crazy.

 

Only thing I would ask you is do you KNOW that you have been crystal clear TO HER that you want her and will do what it takes to be with her? I struggle from your summaries to tell for certain.

 

Be a straight shooter. No games. You'll like yourself a lot more if you do.

[ap10]

AP - you've posted several times about this - always with that detailed summary looking to analyze the hell out of this thing. A lot of immaturity and game playing on both sides.

 

Let's be realistic - if she wanted you, she calls you as soon as she returns. These mind games are crazy and they're making you crazy.

 

Only thing I would ask you is do you KNOW that you have been crystal clear TO HER that you want her and will do what it takes to be with her? I struggle from your summaries to tell for certain.

 

Be a straight shooter. No games. You'll like yourself a lot more if you do.

 

You're right. I did everything right until she withdrew and starting going hot and cold. I dont regret nothing. I am writing and asking things i never do. So best to pause this $hit. 6 weeks ago she returned from ibiza and wanted to see me the same day she returned. Now? Nah, obviously not on that level no more. So i think this one is done regardless of her bull$hit from last week of wanting me...

Edited July 29, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[xUnknown]

You're right. I did everything right until she withdrew and starting going hot and cold. I dont regret nothing. I am writing and asking things i never do. So best to pause this $hit. 6 weeks ago she returned from ibiza and wanted to see me the same day she returned. Now? Nah, obviously not on that level no more. So i think this one is done regardless of her bull$hit from last week of wanting me...

 

She went to Tomorrowland right? I hear thats incredible. I want to go to one eventually.

 

But, what it seems to me is, she wants to know that you're going to be there when she gets back. So, while shes away she can act as single as she wants - only to know you're there waiting when she gets back. Let her contact you.

 

Yes, you are over-analyzing everything. You're really getting to the nitty gritty with the photos. Does she know that guy? Did she meet him there? Do they have a history of dating or seeing eachother?

Edited July 29, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[ap10]

She went to Tomorrowland right? I hear thats incredible. I want to go to one eventually.

 

But, what it seems to me is, she wants to know that you're going to be there when she gets back. So, while shes away she can act as single as she wants - only to know you're there waiting when she gets back. Let her contact you.

 

Yes, you are over-analyzing everything. You're really getting to the nitty gritty with the photos. Does she know that guy? Did she meet him there? Do they have a history of dating or seeing eachother?

 

I have no idea, but looks like she met him there. She went to the secret garden party.

 

AND...yea like everyone has said before, she wants her cake and wants to eat it too. Wants to be single and then thinks im going to be around cause shes got so used to me being so chilled about things and laid back. She will have to contact me.

[ap10]

Decided to send her a closing message...

 

Almost two weeks now since i last saw her when she supposedly wanted me back and told me how much she missed me after wanting to call it off. She did this 12 hours before a 4 day festival trip. I told her to go have a great time and call me on her return. Silence.

 

I saw her for the last time in the same spot we first met on our date. Having enjoyed the few months we had apart from the last few weeks of her being completely messed up i decided to write her a nice/no hard feelings message. This was purely done because i wanted too and not because i wanted a reaction.

 

My message to her:

 

Hello (her name), haven't heard from you in a while. Hope you're well. I think we realise that we cared for each other very much, but things weren't going to work out. We had an awesome couple of months, although we never got to finish suits dvd. I'll be downloading that! I'm sure you can tell, there is no hard feelings from my end anyway. We shared some great moments in a short amount of time and friendships are what count - genuinely enjoyed it x

 

 

I sent this last night to her. She has seen the message and has decided not to come back yet and probably wont. As i said, i have no expectations, but a truly mature person would have replied with something however short the message was.

 

Hope this is on point? Time to move on....

[Tbisb74]

One small word of advice: When you have constantly and repetitively sought support and assistance on relationship matters here (nothing wrong with that - you've had good and consistent feedback) it's really much better to show fellow members any message you're intending to send - BEFORE you send it. It's too late now, but that message is so treacly-sweet, it is almost nauseating. Too "sucky-uppy" (I'm certain that';s grammatically-correct! ) and placatory. Really, it should have been much shorter, abrupt and to the point. If indeed, one needed sending at all. Personally, I thought the message inadvisable, certainly in its current format.

But it's done now. So yes. Now, it's 'close all borders'. With huge emphasis on the 'all'.

[ap10]

One small word of advice: When you have constantly and repetitively sought support and assistance on relationship matters here (nothing wrong with that - you've had good and consistent feedback) it's really much better to show fellow members any message you're intending to send - BEFORE you send it. It's too late now, but that message is so treacly-sweet, it is almost nauseating. Too "sucky-uppy" (I'm certain that';s grammatically-correct! ) and placatory. Really, it should have been much shorter, abrupt and to the point. If indeed, one needed sending at all. Personally, I thought the message inadvisable, certainly in its current format.

But it's done now. So yes. Now, it's 'close all borders'. With huge emphasis on the 'all'.

 

Thanks for your feedback. I can understand how one may perceive this is sucking-up, but not sure if you've read the whole story. My character throughout the 3,4 months was always the one that was less expressive. This is probably the nicest thing i have said or even wrote/said to her apart from when we had the exclusive chat.

 

I received complete opposite feedback from another thread on the forum for this and they called it the 'classiest' closure message ever.

 

Didn't need to get approval on something i wrote from the heart as i had already moved on.

 

Thanks for your feedback though.

[ThorntonMelon]

I think that your note was fine, and her response (I read the other thread) makes it clear you were not in the same place, and I hope very much it allows you to move on and find someone who makes you happy.