what if i miss him more?

[symphonyofwolves]

I have not contacted him since New Year's 2012. I just recently found out that he is leaving the country. I don't know where he is going or what he plans on doing, but I never told him how I feel about him. I love him. We were fwb... He didn't want a relationship, I did. I started dating someone else who I just broke up with a few days ago. 2 years wasted. I didn't love him. I thought about my fwb guy almost everyday all this time. Even more so now since my breakup. I just don't know what to do. Should I contact him? How? I deleted my fb years ago and that is how we would sometimes communicate. I'm almost certain he changed his number. I know his email address but since I'm not on fb and have never emailed him before I know he would be a little freaked out by my even knowing what his email is. I don't wanna make a new fb just to talk to him. He will know and that will just look so desperate. Ideally I would talk to him or speak to him face to face, but that isn't an option. I don't know his new address. Or his old one. I just miss him so much and I want him to know how I feel even if nothing comes of it. Just for my peace of mind.

Is this healthy?

[lilacwine]

Hi,

Your story is a bit similar to mine so I feel I must reply. To answer your question whether it's healthy or not, I think it IS healthy to express how you feel, especially when you don't expect anything. He'd surely appreciate your strong and genuine feelings for him, which is not easy to find in this world.

 

My story is basically the same. Just that my ex was not a fwb. He was an ex bf. He dumped me around two years ago due to personality incompability and some stupid fightings. He got married last December (I learned this via his wife's facebook). As for me, I'm sort of stuck on him. I can't even date again. I thought my feelings for him would fade with time but they didn't. On the contrary, I miss him more and more with each passing day.

 

Two months ago, I felt so compelled to talk to him and be his friend again (I have absolutely no other agenda as I know he's married now and I'm truly happy for him), I tried to contact him and sadly I failed... I deleted his phone number permanently when we broke up. So I messaged him on facebook. No reply. Not even "seen" (He's not so much a facebook person so it's pretty obvious he hasn't logged in for quite a while). I emailed him, No reply either. I reckon he hasn't checked the messages. I don't believe he would ignore. By the time he dumped me he still insisted he wanted to stay in touch but I wanted to be in no contact so I could heal and requested him to never contact me again.

 

So now I'm lost. I so badly want to talk to him again. Just to tell him how much I miss him, how much I care about him, etc, etc, and how much I want to be in his life again, even if JUST as a friend. I'm desperate...

[symphonyofwolves]

Thank you for your response. It's kinda nice to know I'm not alone in this though I would never wish this kind of pain, sadness, and desperation on anyone. It hurts way too much:/

 

I seriously don't know what to do in my situation. Like- Idk how to approach him, or if I even should. There's a part of me that doesn't want to feel rejected by him, but another part of me just needs him to know that I have feelings for him. I'm so afraid. Almost paranoid by it. He has become an obsession (every morning I wake up I look at almost all of his social media accounts, same before I go to bed at night... ) idk if it will get worse by reaching out to him or not :'(

 

I'm ashamed of myself. I feel like a stalker but I only love him and I'm too socially anxious to do anything about it.

 

In terms of your situation, I would just wait and see what happens. Kudos to you for having already messaged/emailed him! That was a very brave and courageous thing to do. I think he will eventually respond back to you, just in his own time. It's probably difficult for him to process especially since he is married now. Honestly, I hope things work out for you. If he doesn't come back to you then there is someone else out there for you. I can tell you love him, but ask yourself if you would still feel the same urge to be back in his life again if he was single. Is it because he has someone else now that you want back in his life? Because if that's what draws you back or the realization that he has moved on and you haven't then that can get messy. If that's the case I would strongly advise you to just move on. But if you have thought this through and you know you just want to be friends and that's it, then go for it. If you can handle all of that- seeing him with someone new while being friends then I respect that profoundly. Hopefully he will let you back in his life. The wife may not like it though.. In fact she's probably the reason he hasn't responded to you yet. Even though you said you just want to be friends, the fact that you guys were once a couple probably dwells on his conscience and he may feel uncomfortable about it...

 

Still, I wish you all the best!

[Simon Phoenix]

The fact that he hasn't spoken to you in two years, especially since you were a FWB, doesn't really give you a great shot here. I would let this sleeping dog lie. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem you were terribly important to him the first time around (at least romantically, he probably valued you as a friend). I would not contact him because you have expectations of him answering, and answering a certain way. You aren't looking for peace of mind -- you're looking for a winning lottery ticket. And if you don't get it (there seems to be no indication you would) it's going to set you back.

 

Honestly, I would let this go. The "love" you have wasn't returned when you were FWB, so why would that happen now?

[lilacwine]

 

I seriously don't know what to do in my situation. Like- Idk how to approach him, or if I even should. There's a part of me that doesn't want to feel rejected by him, but another part of me just needs him to know that I have feelings for him. I'm so afraid. Almost paranoid by it. He has become an obsession (every morning I wake up I look at almost all of his social media accounts, same before I go to bed at night... ) idk if it will get worse by reaching out to him or not :'(

 

I'm ashamed of myself. I feel like a stalker but I only love him and I'm too socially anxious to do anything about it.

 

Hi Symphony,

I read the above and I can tell definitely that you're NOT ready to talk to him again. At least not yet. Because it looks like you wouldn't be able to handle the possible rejection and would get hurt further by his silence/response but showing indifference to you.

 

My situation is a bit different. I'm no longer hurt or in pain. I accept the breakup. I accept that I'm not The One to him. He has moved on and has in fact got married to a girl way more beautiful/younger than me. To be honest I broke down in tears when I learned about his marriage. Back then I was so hurt and hopeless as there was a part in me that longed for reconciliation one day. But with time, I have been able to accept that he belongs to someone else and all I have left is just my undying/unconditional love for him. Now I just want him to know that no matter how what happens, I will always be his friend and always be there for him should he needs me. That's my purpose of contacting him. And yet, I can't even get the message across anymore.

 

PS: And you're right to say that he might be reluctant to answer me because of his wife. I haven't thought of this. Thanks. Maybe he's afraid my presence in his life will get things more complicated for him because he still has feelings for me so he figures he'd better avoid it. LOL

[symphonyofwolves]

Simon Phoenix: I think you're right. I am looking for a winning lottery ticket with him. I really wish he could love me back the same way I love him. But clearly he never loved me to begin with. I don't know how I fell in love with him, but I did and I'm afraid I will never get over him even if there's not a chance with him.

 

LilacWine: You are absolutely right. I would definitely get hurt by the rejection. It just kills me to not at least try. I'm so hopeless and pathetic about the whole thing it has put me into a serious long-term chronic depression. If I do nothing I feel I will live out the rest of my life in misery. At the same time, if I contact him and get no response, I fear I will still feel a lifetime of pain. I just fell way too deep in love with him.

 

In regards to your situation, I hope someday he will be able to realize the kind of unconditional love you have for him and will let you in.

It's not fair that someone has to love more than the other person, and the person who loves more gets hurt the most. You're probably a good person and I'm sorry he can't see your good intentions right now.

[lilacwine]

Hi Symphony,

 

I hope you're feeling better about the whole situation now and having more clarity as to what you should do. To be honest, I'm equally obsessed with my ex just like you. It's funny what love can do to you. I stalk my ex's fb and his wife's fb almost everyday. I seriously don't know when this stalking habit will end. It doesn't seem healthy at all but I can't help it. Guess my only motivation of this whole stalking thing is to make sure my ex is well and everything is fine on his side.

 

Btw, How long did the fwb thing between you and him last? And who ended it?

[noskilljustluck]

FWB, is a tricky thing, and if the guy hasnt been responsive, move on with your life.

 

I read the whole thread and was amazed to see that you are a bit obsessed with stalking his social media, and I can see how another poster here has the same situation.

 

The easy way to leave this 'stalking ' habit is to not leave any free time for it. Do work, chores, hobbies, but that stalking socially thing. The people you are stalking have moved on, its high time you should too.

 

Yeah it sucks to have deep emotions that leave you restless, but just take a few minutes and think if they really are standing where you left them? No, I dont think so.

 

I suggest you find new things to do and indulge in healthy activities. It will help with your self esteems and grooming yourselves to score a better match. If they loved you then they would have come back, if they didnt, they havent and never will come back.

[flight E]

You have to want to move on. You both. It's really sad to hear you wasting your time, your supposed love is because both men never valued you. You were nothing to them. Pls pls get help from a professional and break the jink you don't love them. You are obsessed

[symphonyofwolves]

lilacwine Hi Symphony,

 

I hope you're feeling better about the whole situation now and having more clarity as to what you should do. To be honest, I'm equally obsessed with my ex just like you. It's funny what love can do to you. I stalk my ex's fb and his wife's fb almost everyday. I seriously don't know when this stalking habit will end. It doesn't seem healthy at all but I can't help it. Guess my only motivation of this whole stalking thing is to make sure my ex is well and everything is fine on his side.

 

Btw, How long did the fwb thing between you and him last? And who ended it?

 

Lilacwine: Hi, I wish I were, but I'm not. It's funny you asked who ended it. I did. And this is kind of the whole reason I'm a mess right now. But I'll get to that in a minute...

My fwb and I only hooked up twice. He would go months without texting me and then there he was out of the blue. Whenever I would initiate a text or try to see him, he was busy. I knew then I meant nothing to him, but somehow I fell in love with him. After the second and last time we hooked up, he texted me 2 months later, and I ignored him. Then that same month he texted again, I ignored him. He texted me again the following month around New Year's and I responded, but I kept it really short. I was mad at him, and fed up that he would go so long without texting me and just expect me to always be there, but I never told him this. He texted me twice more after that and I didn't respond. Never heard from him since. Meanwhile through all of this, (about a month after the last time me and my fwb hooked up), one of my friends asked me to be his girlfriend. I agreed because I wanted a relationship so bad back then. I knew this guy really loved me and was going to treat me right, and he did.

Literally 2 days ago, we, my boyfriend and I, got into an argument and I told him I still love my fwb guy. It broke his heart, and I think we are officially over now. It's true. I still love him, but I dropped Everything including my fwb to be with him, or so I tell myself. He's the reason I never responded to my fwb's text messages. I didn't want to hurt my boyfriend, and I didn't know then how deep in love I was with my fwb guy. My boyfriend knew about my fwb and that I had deep feelings for him, but he said he would wait for me. He believed over time I would get over him. Well that hasn't happened clearly. We've gotten into maybe 3 other arguments where my feelings for my fwb guy would come up, but he always stayed with me. Anyway, I think he's really gone now, so I have lost my best friend, I have no other friends, and I am hopelessly obsessed and in love with my fwb still, almost 3 years later, and I haven't talked to him since that last time we texted briefly

 

Apologies for this being so long. I have no one else to talk to :'(

[sugarlove]

I'm sorry to hear about this but just want you to know that my closest friend has a FWB relationship with this guy who is acting the same as yours. For a while, she was pining over him and took her ages to move on.. just because he's supposedly good looking. In the end, she grew even more cynical about love. I do think a guy who only contacts you once every 1-2 months is trying not to let you get attached to him.

 

If you love him, please don't let him know.. because he won't reciprocate it. You'll only end up hurting yourself again... FWB is a messy situation for females as we associated the act as tender moments of love, but for guys, that's not the case.

[noskilljustluck]

Im sorry to hear that, but you should have never let your bf go for that fwb guy. If the fwb had any feelings, he would turn to you more often, not just to cure his monthly itch.

 

Just like the poster before me said, DO NOT contact that fwb guy. He's not close to you and you did GOOD to end it.

 

And as ive mentioned before, get your mind off things, stop stalking that fwb guy, youve ruined your good relation as it is by needlessly focusing on him.

[lilacwine]

lilacwine Hi Symphony,

 

I hope you're feeling better about the whole situation now and having more clarity as to what you should do. To be honest, I'm equally obsessed with my ex just like you. It's funny what love can do to you. I stalk my ex's fb and his wife's fb almost everyday. I seriously don't know when this stalking habit will end. It doesn't seem healthy at all but I can't help it. Guess my only motivation of this whole stalking thing is to make sure my ex is well and everything is fine on his side.

 

Btw, How long did the fwb thing between you and him last? And who ended it?

 

Lilacwine: Hi, I wish I were, but I'm not. It's funny you asked who ended it. I did. And this is kind of the whole reason I'm a mess right now. But I'll get to that in a minute...

My fwb and I only hooked up twice. He would go months without texting me and then there he was out of the blue. Whenever I would initiate a text or try to see him, he was busy. I knew then I meant nothing to him, but somehow I fell in love with him. After the second and last time we hooked up, he texted me 2 months later, and I ignored him. Then that same month he texted again, I ignored him. He texted me again the following month around New Year's and I responded, but I kept it really short. I was mad at him, and fed up that he would go so long without texting me and just expect me to always be there, but I never told him this. He texted me twice more after that and I didn't respond. Never heard from him since. Meanwhile through all of this, (about a month after the last time me and my fwb hooked up), one of my friends asked me to be his girlfriend. I agreed because I wanted a relationship so bad back then. I knew this guy really loved me and was going to treat me right, and he did.

Literally 2 days ago, we, my boyfriend and I, got into an argument and I told him I still love my fwb guy. It broke his heart, and I think we are officially over now. It's true. I still love him, but I dropped Everything including my fwb to be with him, or so I tell myself. He's the reason I never responded to my fwb's text messages. I didn't want to hurt my boyfriend, and I didn't know then how deep in love I was with my fwb guy. My boyfriend knew about my fwb and that I had deep feelings for him, but he said he would wait for me. He believed over time I would get over him. Well that hasn't happened clearly. We've gotten into maybe 3 other arguments where my feelings for my fwb guy would come up, but he always stayed with me. Anyway, I think he's really gone now, so I have lost my best friend, I have no other friends, and I am hopelessly obsessed and in love with my fwb still, almost 3 years later, and I haven't talked to him since that last time we texted briefly

 

Apologies for this being so long. I have no one else to talk to :'(

 

Hey, no apologies needed. Actually I'm astounded to hear the details of your story. How you could possibly love him that much when you were with him only twice? I reckon you guys must be friends earlier and have known each other before starting this fwb thing? I mean, if you only saw him twice, I wonder how you can get that much emotionally attached. It's a great puzzle to me. If possible, I would love to hear more about your story, any other things you might share. Can you shed more light on why you love him that much?

[leoc1973]

I think the problem with a lot of women is after a breakup of someone extremely important to them I think a lot of women start dating any old guy just to not be alone. I hear the sayings "the best way to get over someone is to get under someone". I also see their female friends and mothers pressuring them to meet someone new. Since my breakup I have lots of single female friends now and it seems that all of them had that one guy they can't get over. Even the girls in serious relationships. I think the reason for this is that instead of taking the time to heal and be single and find the next great love of their life they settle because lets face it.... Everytime a girl becomes single now with social media there is a pack of sharks ready to pounce and yes they are a nice distraction from the pain and emptiness but you girls aren't giving yourself time to weed out the crap men and find that next guy that takes your breath away like that one that got away.

 

That being said. I have been single a long time. A few 2 or 3 month relationships since the great love of my life got away but I won't settle. I keep looking for that next perfect girl for me. I haven't contacted my ex in like a year and a half and she hasn't either but if she were to call me I would love to hear from her and maybe even give it another try. I would have to hear what she said though. I don't wanna be back with her by default I want to know that she can't live without me. I see some of you ladies posting and I really would love to know that she felt this way about me.

 

Oh and a side note. I have dated skinnier girls. curvier girls. Prettier girls sexier girls smarter girls. Younger girls it doesn't matter because she still has my heart. looks age weight has nothing to do with it. Someday I will meet that next girl that takes my breath away and that will finally make me forget her but until then I would never get myself into a 2 year relationship with the wrong girl.

 

And by the way.. he is leaving the country. Sign up for facebook be honest with him and tell him that is why you signed up because he is going to know anyway and tell him how you feel or you will hate yourself forever. Its better to be rejected or ignored than not ever knowing.

[SycamoreCircle]

Yeah, you need some clarity which means you need time and distance. Also, I think it's wrong for you to view your two year relationship as a wasted period of time. We can learn from the most significant and seemingly insignificant things. You're not thinking clearly.

 

Cool down.

[SycamoreCircle]

Everytime a girl becomes single now with social media there is a pack of sharks ready to pounce and yes they are a nice distraction from the pain and emptiness but you girls aren't giving yourself time to weed out the crap men and find that next guy that takes your breath away like that one that got away.

 

Side note: This is victimization. Every woman is able to, based on her experiences and her self-knowledge, decide if a man is suited to her. Some better than others, but whose fault is that? Rather than someone else, blame your own judgment.

[symphonyofwolves]

Sugarlove: You are probably right. I would get hurt again if I told him how I feel. But that doesn't stop me from thinking and obsessing over him. I'm really messed up over him and I can't really explain it. I don't know if I would go so far as to say I've grown cynical towards love like your friend, or if I would be inclined to if I did tell him how I felt and got rejected. I just don't know. I do know that I am hopelessly in love with him, and it sucks, because deep down I do feel like he really doesn't feel the same.

 

Irisu: You're probably right too. My boyfriend was a great guy, probably the best boyfriend I'll ever have in my lifetime. He gave me commitment, friendship, and loved me unconditionally, things my fwb couldn't. However, I didn't feel as strongly for him as he did for me. The fact that I still obsess over and think about my fwb made me unfaithful to my boyfriend. It wasn't right, and I'm too honest of a person to not tell him something like that, that I still have feelings for my fwb. Believe me, I know how bad this sucks, and how stupid I probably seem, but it wasn't fair to my boyfriend. I want him to be with someone who truly loves him unconditionally back. I will probably always love my boyfriend, just not in that way.

 

Lilacwine: I know it's crazy how my feelings can run this deep having only spent 2 times with him. It's beyond bizarre. But somehow I fell in love with him in a way I have never experienced with anyone else. We were never really friends, to be quite honest. We took a fitness class together at school. I can distinctly remember the first time I ever saw him, and this was way before our class we had together, like the fall of my first year of college. He was coming out of the gym with a friend and I was on my way in the gym. He didn't see me then, but I saw him, and I thought he was gorgeous. I would go to the gym back then just in hopes of seeing him again, but I never did. The next time I saw him was on the first day of our class together, the spring semester of my sophomore year. We didn't really talk much at all together in that class, but we made a lot of eye contact quite often. There were a lot of mirrors on the walls and he caught me looking at him one day, and after that he would look at me a lot. I remember I would get excited every morning of the days that I had that class. It was like one of the only classes I was excited to go to because I liked seeing him. One day I started fantasizing about him during the class and after that my heart would just race every time I went to class. Another day, this was towards the end of the semester, we watched a film, and he came and laid down near me. He was sitting next to me, so close he was literally leaning on me, and then he just laid down. He's an extremely touchy, flirtatious guy. I don't remember exactly what he said or if he even said anything, I'm sure he did, but I was like on a cloud by how close he was to me... Then, finally, on the day of our midterm, I was waiting for him to finish so I could think clearly on my test, well apparently, he was either trying to do the same thing, or he was just slow, because he and I were the last ones left to finish. He finally turned his test in, and then I quickly finished mine. On my way out the door, he was still there outside in the gym. He came up to me and actually talked to me. I can't remember what all he said because I was once again on a cloud for the fact that he had actually waited until I was done to talk to me. It was small chat, but the way he approached me he seemed like he was dying to talk to me.

 

(Side story) I had snapped at my professor in a crazy kind of way earlier before the exam, and he kinda wanted to know what that was all about. I was embarrassed but I shrugged it off as best as I could. I was like, "I just don't like people correcting me and touching me," and every single day, our instructor always said I was doing something wrong, and I was tired of feeling embarrassed every day in front of the class so I told him not to touch me.

 

Then he was looking at my study guide notes, and seeing which questions he got right or wrong on his test. I just became intoxicated with his body language, body movements, hand gestures, how he moved, talked, everything about him, plus he smelled really good, and he looked right at me when he talked in a way that just totally captivated me. We didn't exchange information then unfortunately, but I was ecstatic having actually had a conversation with him. Later that evening, I told my best girlfriend at the time, and she wanted to know who he was, so I looked him up on fb and showed her, and she encouraged me to add him as a friend. I was so terrified to do so, but she kept pushing me until I finally did.

 

I believe the next day or so he messaged me for my phone number, and then he started texting me right away. We would text occasionally for a couple months, but not a lot. Then towards the end of the semester, he randomly asked me out for the first time. I don't want to go into details about everything, I mean I can if you want me to, you'd probably understand more better if I did, but you wanted to know what our relations were like Before that, so that's basically what it was. Lol. Not much. Anyway, it feels good to talk to someone about it all.

 

Honestly, I think it was his personality that hooked me onto him. He has this way of engaging you into his life that makes you feel like you've known him forever. He's just so comfortable with people in a way that I am not, like I am the complete opposite, and he was so open and honest with me about everything. I felt like I could have talked with him about anything if I wanted to, but I was too tongue-tied to open up at all with him. Yet somehow, he just made me feel so free and innocent, like anything in the world could happen and nothing would matter. I've never done drugs, but I imagine the way I felt with him is probably how the earth's best narcotic would have an effect on me. I just felt like a blissful little kid...

 

Basically, my only explanation for all of this is when you love someone but you don't get to be with them, it just ****ing sucks. I thought we made a perfect match. He was just perfect to me if there is such a thing, which there isn't. And no he isn't "perfect." He just felt perfect to me. No one has ever intimidated me the way he did. My heart has never stopped to the point where I simply cannot speak the way it did around him. I've just never felt that intense, and because it was such a good feeling, I feel like it had to have been love. I've had obsessions in the past with other guys, but nothing on this level. What I felt for him was powerful and it scared me. I want it back. It just makes me sad that he probably never has, doesn't now, and won't ever feel the same way I feel about him

[symphonyofwolves]

Leoc1973: Thanks for your response. I Wish I had the courage to tell him. I almost did exactly that the other day (create a fb and tell him), but then I lost my nerve. This is probably the worse thing about the whole situation. I'm too afraid to tell him how I feel and find out his reaction. I'm starting to feel like it's pointless. I think everyone's right. He won't love me back. It's not like me telling him how I feel will make him stay. Yes, I'll regret it forever. But maybe we just were not meant to be. I hate that I loved him more than he loved me, but I guess most people experience that at some point in time. I hate that I've completely broken my boyfriend's heart over this, and he is my only friend right now. If I go back to my fwb, whether he takes me back or not, I will lose my bf forever. It all just sucks so much.

Edited July 7, 2014 by symphonyofwolves

[lilacwine]

 

I believe the next day or so he messaged me for my phone number, and then he started texting me right away. We would text occasionally for a couple months, but not a lot. Then towards the end of the semester, he randomly asked me out for the first time. I don't want to go into details about everything, I mean I can if you want me to, you'd probably understand more better if I did, but you wanted to know what our relations were like Before that, so that's basically what it was. Lol. Not much. Anyway, it feels good to talk to someone about it all.

 

 

Yeah, I would love to hear more about your story. I was like, oh this is getting interesting and you just stopped there. More details please. What happened after that first time you went out with him, how the hookup happened and whatever else you can share.

 

Your story is really nice. I love it because it's so romantic and genuine. Even if he would never love you back the way you love him, at least you get to experience what it is like to truly love someone. I think I feel exactly the same way about my ex. I love the way you describe your feelings, how your heart seems to stop each time you're with him. Mine too.

 

After him, I promise myself never to enter into a relationship unless with a person who can make me feel that strongly. I still hope that day will come.

[symphonyofwolves]

Lilacwine,

 

Hi (:

I need to make the same promise to myself. I hope that day will come for me too.

 

Ok, I'll let you know what happened. I don't know how this will give more insight onto why I feel the way I do about him, or how you will motivate me to tell him how I feel still, but here goes... (btw, it's lengthy, i'm sorry. i'm very descriptive).

 

The afternoon he texted me, I was relaxing, minding my own business, just laying down watching a movie in my dorm room. Classes were over, and that semester I didn't have a Friday class, so I was done for the weekend. I had no plans I was just going to chill by myself for the night. I get a text and I see it's from him. I immediately get goosebumps all over my body. I can't believe he texted me just now. I try to sound as cool and casual as I possibly can over a text, (I don't want him to think I'm excited to hear from him), but I still have the text messages on my old phone to this day, and I think I sounded overeager. :/ I had exclamation marks and yeah.. It's so embarrassing to look at now. Ha. Anyway, he had just got out of track practice, and said he was hungry, and asked if I could feed him? I was like no, I don't have any food to feed you. And then we texted some more, and then he just asked if I wanted to go see a movie with him? I was like right now? And he was like yeah, after he gets cleaned up, he could get me in like 15 minutes.

 

To myself I was thinking oh my god. We are really going to go see a movie together right now!? My insides could barely contain the excitement and feelings that I felt. I was almost numb because of how nervous, happy, crazy, and excited I felt. I was happier than when I was a child on Christmas morning or my birthday. It was an amazing feeling. I quickly jumped out of my bed and was like jesus what should I wear? Should I dress up? Should I dress down? I didn't know what to do! Should I wear makeup? Should I shower? I had no time to shower. If I showered, he would know, and he would think that I had tried too hard. So I settled for jean shorts, a blue shirt, flip flops, and I brought my orange hoodie. I remember my nails were painted a summery cerulean sky blue. I liked colors back then. I think I may have even put purple eyeliner on. I hope not, but I think I did. I don't think I wore any eye shadow, but I probably did. I have hazel eyes, and wild curly hair that I never wear loose, especially where I lived, it was super windy, like the 2nd windiest city in the nation at the time. Anyway, I wore my hair down and it was big and curly. If this had been planned, and I had had time, I definitely would have straightened it. But I guess it was all right. He saw me basically in my complete natural state. Hair wise.

 

SO. I hear loud music outside my window. (My dorm window faced the parking lot). I know it's a car. It's a loud car. But I'm still fumbling around with my makeup. Then I get a text from him telling me he's here. Of course he is. Somehow I just knew it was him. I finally decide I look ok. I don't even text him I'm on my way, I just hurry really fast. As soon as I walk outside, I regret putting anything on my face, and just wish I would have worn something simpler. Like a black shirt. Something I always wear. Well, something I would always wear Now, anyway. I really did wear a lot of colors back then. Funny how fashion sense can change so much in only a few years. Well, I get into his beautiful black convertible Mustang. The top wasn't down, but I didn't say anything. (My hair didn't need to get more messed up than it already was going to.) I always said I was going to get one just like that one when I was in high school, (a convertible Mustang) but that never happened. I didn't get my license until almost a year after I graduated high school. But that's besides the point. I'm nervous writing all this I'm sorry, it's like reliving the ****ing memory and all of the nervous emotion I felt then has come flooding back into existence now.

 

But, then when I got into his car, I'm pretty sure he leaned over and opened the door for me from inside the car. But I can't remember clearly. I just remember the way he looked, how he looked at me. How beautiful he was. Is. Ha. He said he likes to listen to his music loud. I don't remember what I said. I just liked his style, I liked his taste in movies, music, I liked the way he made me feel. I was just in disbelief that all of this was even happening. This was the closest thing to a real date that I had ever been on. I mean, I had gone out before with guys, 1 on 1 even, but I never felt all nervous and self-conscious and so in love the way I felt with him.

 

The sun was at that really bright stage in the sky before it starts to set, and when we drove off, he talked the whole entire way. The music blared, the windows were down. The car was a 2 door, so it was very intimate, and his car itself was just super loud. But because we were so close, and he has such a clear voice, I could hear everything he said perfectly, even when we were on the freeway.

 

The sun hit his face perfectly when he turned to look at me as he drove, and I loved when he looked at me because I got to see his face and it was so absolutely gorgeous. His smile and eyes just gave me the severest storm of butterflies. I could see flecks of grey and maybe green or blue in his eyes, and he has brown eyes. But they were so pretty. At the same time, I hated that he would look at me because I didn't know how I looked, I was way too nervous and shy to pull down the mirror and look at myself. I didn't want him to think I was one of those girls, and he was driving so fast and talking so much that to look into the mirror outside the car would have been too complicated with the wind and my hair blowing and everything anyway. He would have noticed that, and he kept looking at me so dang often I didn't have a chance to sneak a look at myself to make sure I looked alright. I knew I looked like hell though. My hair was a hot mess. Me plus wind blown curly hair is not a pretty sight at all. I promise.

 

Anyway, he talked to me about his life, his past, his interests... he really liked cars. He asked me what my dream car was, and at the time, I really didn't know much about cars. I knew what a BMW or Lexus was and that they were luxury cars but I've never thought of them as things I would dream about getting someday. I might have heard of Lamborghini's but that didn't even come to mind. I just couldn't even think straight so I was just honest with him. I told him my dream car was his, the one he was driving. I didn't say anything more than that, and he just looked at me for a second like I was retarded. Lol. I swear. I never felt more idiotic, but I thought it was funny because it was true. I really did always want a convertible Mustang.

 

Anyway, I think that's all he really asked me. He mostly went on about himself. How he used to work with his uncle on cars, and he liked to party instead of train, that's why he didn't take track so serious. He said it's hard to compete in the races when you're a short Mexican. Lmao. He was at least my height or taller. (I'm 5'7", I'm pretty sure he's 5'8"). But it's true I guess. In the olympics, the guys that win tend to have some height on them. I remember thinking, because I was too afraid to tell him, that that shouldn't stop him, if he really wants it bad enough, he can do it, he'll just have to train harder. Practice instead of partying, simple as that. But I guess then I realized we were a little different. If I was an athlete, I would strive to be the best, and I'd work my ass off. I don't party much, didn't much then, and definitely don't now. But anyway, randomly off topic again, he just seemed so independent and free and I admired that in him.

 

He had very strong roots. He told me he was in a Mariachi band when he was younger. Just a lot of random stuff. And I was like oh my goodness.. I'm not Mexican, so his culture was all new to me back then. I'm originally from the Midwest, so when I moved down south to go to school, and it was predominantly hispanic, it was a huge culture shock to me, but I loved it. I love hispanic men too;)

 

So anyway, we get to the movies, I am all ready to pay for myself, and he says 2 for Fast Five. I was like all giddy just like a little girl. I couldn't believe he was buying my ticket, and then he wanted to get popcorn, so we got that. He wanted to get a drink to share, he let me pick the drink, and he only got one straw, and normally I would think that that is just absolutely disgusting, but I thought it was the most adorable thing with him. He said he was hungry, so he got himself 2 hotdogs too lol. He asked if I wanted anything, and I was like no. All I wanted was to relish in all of this and how beautiful he was to me. I just never wanted any of it to end. When we get to the ticket booth guy, he knew the person ripping the tickets, and apparently there was something wrong with the guy's thumb because he asked him what happened to it. I was taken away by how attentive he is with people. He just notices everything, which gave me more reason to feel self-conscious about myself. May I remind you, I have no idea how my hair looks at this point. But I'm still too afraid to go to the bathroom. I don't want him to leave or wait on me or anything. I seriously was that scared. I was also scared that he was ashamed of me since he ran into someone he knew when he was with me. He didn't introduce me or anything. I just felt maybe if I was prettier he might have said something. But it's not like we were together like that anyway so I shouldn't have even thought anything of it. But I wished we were. I remember thinking I would date this guy in a hot minute if he asked me to be his girlfriend. But that never happened.

 

We go into the theater. It's a weekday. Thursday. No one else is really there. Maybe a few people. But it felt like we were the only ones. When the lights went out and the previews came on, I was able to sneak looks at him. I did this by drinking the Sprite as often as I could so that way I'd be forced to look in his direction. Lol. I watched him scarf down his hotdogs, and eat the popcorn. He put way too much butter and salt on it, and I laughed at him about that when he commented on it. It was just cute. All of it. Everything about him.

 

At one point during the movie, it's probably like midway through, I get cold, and my leg falls asleep so I finally move to readjust myself better. I put my sweater on. And I take this opportunity to just really look at him. He is so into the movie, like a little kid, it is so cute to me. At this time, I ever so gently brush my arm against his there on the arm rest. I want to hold his hand so bad, but he just turns and looks at me, surprised kind of. I can tell he can tell I like him, but he makes no further gesture or anything. So I just go through the rest of the movie pretending like nothing happened, and I smile and try to laugh at myself to deal with my complete mortification.

 

Later on towards the end of the movie, he leans over and whispers to me something that happens before it happens. To impress me or whatever. And I look at him like how did you know? Then it dawns on me he must have seen this already. He probably took someone else to see it before me. And I get super down. Because the movie's been out for a week already. And I don't feel special anymore. I'm thinking he probably took someone else to see it the night it came out when the theater was packed with people and he chose me to see it now, because he knew no one would be there, and he didn't want to see it alone. Now I'm just assuming all of this. I've thought about all this for a long time now and it wouldn't surprise me if it's true, but it still makes my stomach drop, makes me feel sick, and sad.

 

Anyway, at the actual end of the movie, the song comes on and he starts to dance. And it's cute. He wants to sit through it until the song is over and he dances, and he asks me if I know what they're saying, and I laugh and say no. And he's singing a little bit to himself, he's getting really into it lol. It's funny. Then he tells me he's going to have to download that song. Lol. When I get up, I take off my hoodie, and my blue beaded bracelet falls off. He starts walking down the aisle and I tell him to hold on I dropped my bracelet, and I'm just standing there trying to find it. He goes down and around the row below ours, and finds it, he hands it to me from down there, and gives it to me. I was so touched that he found it. And he was looking for it. My grandma gave me that bracelet for Easter one year, so it kinda meant something to me, even though it looked really cheap. Anyway, we walk outside to his car. It's dark out, or very close to it now. The excitement has pretty much started to wear off because I know I'm going home now. I still felt awkward about grazing my arm against his. But I told myself in my head, it's no different than how he just randomly came and laid down next to me during class that one day...

 

Well, as we drive, he starts to talk again. He doesn't say as much as he did before, but enough to keep some kind of conversation going. We talk some more about his music interests, and when we get back on the freeway, he asks me if I want him to take me home, or go to his place. I'm stunned for a few seconds and in actual disbelief at what I just heard him say, but I look at him and he is looking at me waiting to answer, and because it makes me nervous when he looks at me like that, I laugh a little, and tell him I want him to take me to his place. So he's like alright. And we just drive in silence until we get there. Listening to one of his playlists or mix tapes. It's a 3 Doors Down remix. I really liked it. Honestly, I could tell you every song we listened to from the moment I stepped into his car on the way to the movies, and back. That's how photographic my memory is of all this, and I do NOT have a photographic memory. But it's crazy. That's why I think this was love.

 

Anyway, we pull up to his place. I remember it all in vivid detail, from the way he parked, him getting out of the car, following him up the stairs, him letting me inside, what the interior of his apartment looked like, everything. He was like this is my place, there's my roommate's room, and here's mine. There was a poster on the outside of his door. It was like of a motivation quote or something. I remember walking into his apartment, the first thing I noticed were those red and clear candy machines that you put a quarter in and twist it and then the candy comes out. I couldn't believe he had one of those. There were like maybe 3 of them side by side right near the entrance of their place. I had never seen those inside someone's house though lol. He had really big bulky old furniture but it looked nice. There were posters of naked women on the walls in the living room. I stood there by the door or near the couch taking it all in, while he put his keys on the keychain in his kitchen. He was talking the entire time, but I honestly don't remember all he was saying. I was just trying to take it all in.

 

Finally when I went inside his room, I just saw a massively huge bed. It dawned on me somehow right then why he invited me over. He probably remembered me touching him slightly in the movie theater and thought I wanted something more, maybe I did. Well, let's be honest, I did, but I didn't also. What happened in the theater I honestly couldn't help myself. Like I just did it without thinking. When I agreed to come over, in the car when he asked me, it must have occurred to me that something might happen, but honestly I didn't think anything would. I thought we were just gonna kick it and play some video games together, talk some more, and just watch TV or something. Well, that kinda happened. He turned the TV on. He put it on Fx or some action channel. Not surprising after experiencing his taste in movies. He said something that kinda bothered me though right when we walked in the room, Everyone thinks my bed is comfortable. I was like ok. I wonder who everyone is, but I quickly forced myself not to think about it. His bed was comfortable though. Very spacious. It was a California King.

 

Immediately I searched for something to take my eyes off the bed, and I saw a guitar in the corner of his room. I went over there and set my phone and chap stick down near to it. (I didn't carry a purse. I was simple like that then, and kept my debit card and room key to my dorm in my phone case). I was like omg you have a guitar?! I thought that was just so cool. He told me to bring it over to him. Then I slipped off my flip flops and brought it to him. He invited me to sit on the bed. He was sitting propped up against the pillow legs spread out in front of him looking hot as ever when I turned around and came over there. He told me he hadn't played in over a year. I was amazed. He told me it was his grandpa's guitar from when he was in a mariachi band and he gave it to him when he started playing in one. I just thought that was so cool and unique. I think it was a bass guitar but I'm not sure. Back then I wouldn't have even known to ask. He played a spanish song to me, it was beautiful. He sang with such passion it surprised me tremendously. He just was full of surprises. To this day I have no idea what it was or what the words to it meant. I wish I would have had the sense to ask him, but I'll never know...

 

Afterward, he set it down and kinda just laid out for a minute and I just sat there on the edge of the bed. He started talking to me again about all kinds of random things. I remember I noticed he had a Whataburger number placer on his dresser shelf, and I thought that was so cool. It had the number 4 on it, and I pointed to it and asked him if that was his lucky number. He said it was, and somehow I remembered right then that the movie we saw was in theater no. 4 and I told him that, and I knew he thought I was weird. He was like, really, I didn't catch that. Lol. I was so nervous. This was all really new to me. Being in this guy's room. Seeing the things he saw everyday. I remember he had an M&M's alarm clock on the table beside his bed. I thought that was kinda cute, but I didn't say anything. Then I remember him telling me he didn't have much. And he went in his closet and grabbed this stuffed dalmatian dog (not from 101 Dalmatians, lol) and was like, yeah this girl gave this to me once. I was like okay... wtf? Lol it was so random. I mean it was cute I guess but I didn't wanna hear about the gifts you got from some other girl right then. I tried to just breathe and relax and stay calm and remember that I was the one there right then. No one else. Luckily I was so nervous I was forced to remain quiet and timid. I just liked him so much and I knew I shouldn't and at the time, I didn't know just how much exactly that I liked him

 

Then out of nowhere, he just kissed me. We were staring at each other. And he just went in for it. It happened fast but it ended up being a long passionate kiss. I felt it just like how they say it's like in every romance movie. There were sparks fireworks and flames bursting. It was very hot. And I loved that it caught me off guard because I wasn't expecting it, he was just looking at me the way he always does. I had no idea every time he looked at me he was thinking about kissing me!

But it was truly an amazing first kiss.

 

Shortly afterward, he asked me if I wanted him to get me a massage? I was like sure ok, so he told me to lay down on my stomach and promise not to fall asleep. I was like ok. And I smiled, laid my head on my arms and closed my eyes. I felt him move off the bed and get up. He turned the lights off but kept the TV on. Then I felt his hands on my body. The feelings I experienced were so intense. It was like pure magic. He applied the perfect amount of pressure to me if that is even possible. It just felt amazing, until I felt like he was about to stop, and then he really started working his hands into my back. He used his whole body to like grind into me while he did it, it was very sexual, and of course I loved it. Then he was like, I hope you haven't fallen asleep. Other girls have fallen asleep when they lay down in my bed. I was just like wtf? I was thinking why did you ruin it? I was so mad but it was hard to stay mad because it felt so good, and then he was like your turn to do me lol. So I rolled over and sat up while he laid down. I didn't do nowhere near as good a job on him as he did for me. I'm not good at giving massages haha, and I told him that and he didn't believe me but he wanted me to try anyway. So I did. I felt awkward. I couldn't get as sexual as he did with me because I was so nervous. I liked him too much. He said it might be easier if he took his shirt off so he did, but honestly, that just made it harder for me. I needed lotion or something, but I didn't ask him for any. Eventually he gave up and sat up and laughed a little. I was like I told you. I'm sorry. lol.

And he leaned back into the pillow and laid down. He reached his arms out for me to come lay by him, so I smiled and did. We laid there for a second side by side and then he started kissing me some more. It was so passionate. We made out for hours, just kissing, and rubbing my hands all up and down his back, scratching his back because I wanted more but wasn't going to give him more. He pulled it out, and asked if I wanted to, and I told him no. He was polite about it, but he asked me why, and I told him I was scared. I didn't want to get pregnant. He laughed and said everyone's scared of that, but he never pushed it any further. We kissed for a few moments more, and then he got up. He turned on the light. I told him I had to pee. He got up again and went into the bathroom to lock his roommate's door and put the toilet seat down for me. I smiled thank you and got up to go look at my godawful mess on top of my head, and I peed. I sat there looking around at his bathroom. I noticed everything the opened shower curtain, the tub, he used a navy blue loofa! There was Neutrogena face wash on the counter and contact solution. I was wondering whose stuff was whose lol. Then I braved the mirror and looked at myself. I actually didn't look too bad, but it wasn't great. I looked like ****. I quickly tied my hair up and walked out. Probably should have just left it lol. Oh well. When I came out, he asked if everything was alright. I remember thinking, crap he probably thinks I took a number 2 in his bathroom! I was slightly mortified. So I said yes and quickly went to the corner where my phone was. He asked what I was doing, and I didn't say anything, and then he answered himself saying oh you're stuff is over there lol. I was just too afraid to speak to him. He told me to come back over to the bed so I did. I was just really down because I liked him and I knew it was over. The lights were on, I knew I would be going home soon, and I just really didn't want the night to end. I wanted him to ask me to marry him. Lol. I just wanted to stay there with him so bad and never leave. I wanted a hurricane to come crashing through and I was all he had to hold onto for dear life, just each other, to die in his arms, and I would have been fine with that, even if it meant never saying goodbye to my family and loved ones. I loved him But when I sat next to him, he told me had a test the next day. I asked him for what, and it was some kind of physics health class. I told him I would help him study if he liked, and he actually got up went to the living room to grab his bag and book and came back to me. He showed me what chapter it was and everything. It was a used book, so idk if the highlighting in it was from him or a previous user, but he seemed really studious all of a sudden which sadly really surprised me. He looked so cute like that as a student studying for his test. I think I may have told him that. Because he looked up at me and I cupped his cheeks in my hands and told him he was cute, and then he asked me if what I meant what I said. I just looked at him blankly. I had no idea what he was talking about. But after, years of thinking everything through, replaying this whole incident in my head, I remember I whispered to him, you're so beautiful, at some point while we were making out. But I had mild amnesia I guess when he asked me or maybe I was too nervous to comprehend his question. He just kept looking at me in that way of his, and then just said never mind. A picture fell out of his book, and it was of his sister during a birthday party, she was swinging at a piñata. He showed it to me, and for some reason, I told him he looked like her. There's no way I could have really seen her face from that picture, but from what I did see, I could tell they had a minor resemblance. She was kinda big, and he was really skinny. Maybe he thought I was insulting him, Idk. I shouldn't have said it, because he laughed and said Please don't say that. So I shut up and seriously didn't say another word. I just wish I could have told him how I felt. But anyway, he went back to studying, and I guess I was staring at him, I wasn't helping him like I said I would, stupid me. And he was like I'm not going to be able to study as long as you're here. So I got up and got ready to go. He did too. He went into his closet and came out with a white wife beater on. He looked super sexy all of a sudden all over again, and I was just dying inside because I knew this was it. I was never going to see him again.

 

When we walked out of his room I heard the TV on in the living room. It was on really low. I assumed his roommate was home because when I had gone to the restroom earlier I heard a TV on coming from his door. But I didn't expect to see him out sitting there in the living room on my way out. It felt like a walk of shame. My fwb didn't introduce us or nothing. And I said hi to him, but he just looked at me. It was so awkward and uncomfortable. I just wanted to get the hell out of there, but my fwb was taking forever getting his keys from the kitchen. I had to wait for him to do that and then we left. I admired him again as he moved to his car, and just everything about him. I couldn't believe that I had just spent the evening with this gorgeous creature. Even if I never saw him again, I felt thankful to God for the experience. I knew it was one I would cherish forever. We didn't talk at all on the drive back to my dorm. He revved his engine like once at a traffic light or something, and was like, well there goes my gas. And that was all the words I got out of him this time. Granted it was late, like 1 or 2 'o clock in the morning now. Maybe 12. I don't remember. I was on a slow cloud drifting. Sadly and happily at the same time. That feeling right before falling into a deep sleep, that's the way I felt. He didn't look at me. He probably felt embarrassed because his roommate saw me or whatever. Idk. So many flags went off that he clearly did not like me. but I fell for him anyway. Hard as a Rock and it sucks. It ****ing sucks. I don't even think he said bye when he dropped me off. I don't even remember saying thank you. It was just awkward, and I felt sad, and I'd like to believe he was sad too, but knew we couldn't be together. But that's a fairy tale. He seemed irritated and angry all of a sudden, and I knew he had a test, but he shouldn't have invited me over if he knew that he needed to study. Maybe he didn't think I'd want to stay as long as I did. But I lost all sense of time when I was with him. Nothing mattered. He was literally everything to me. No, I didn't have sex with him, but I wanted to, I just wanted the security of having him all to myself. I knew it would hurt worse if I gave myself to him and this happened. But looking back, it didn't matter. I'm still hurting. I'm still in pain.

 

I texted him again about a week later inviting him to a party (mine, my birthday party my best friend threw for me). He didn't go. He had a track meet or something. Then, I never heard from him again all summer.

 

I finally text him in August when I go to my hometown up in the Midwest. That distance I guess gave me the courage to contact him then. He didn't know who I was. He had lost his contacts in his phone. Whatever. That may be true. But event if it was, he never made the effort to get my number again so that made me really sad. It's around this time that I start talking to my boyfriend. As soon as I get back from the Midwest, me and my boyfriend have become really good friends. Just friends. And it feels good to have someone - a guy - to talk to who truly cares about me and my day and my life. I'm a little happier, and feeling a little better about not hearing from my fwb, but I can't lie. I miss him dearly, and really wish he could be the one who cares about me the way my bf did.

 

And Then! Oh my goodness, I see him, my fwb, on the first day of school not even weeks later. I run into him, he gives me a hug, says hello, whatever, he tells me he lost his contacts again and asks for my number. I'm like I just texted you not even a month ago! lol. I didn't tell him this because surprise surprise, I was scared. But I know things happen, and maybe he really did lose his contacts or whatever, but for him to go so long without talking to me at all, he could have just told me he deleted my number and never planned on seeing me again. But idk. Maybe he did like me. I seriously doubt it.

 

He asks me to text him. So I did that day right after my first and only class. He texts back briefly. I don't hear from him for like 2 or 3 weeks. He finally texts me about a month later. He asks if I want him to visit me, and I say yes you can come over. I see him. He has gained more pounds since the last time we were together. But he is still gorgeous as ever to me. I let him in the door, and follow him up the stairwell to my floor. He doesn't even know where I live but I like to let him take the lead. I let him into my room, and he says it's nice. I keep the lights off all the time. I had the TV on Vh1 and had some music playing before he got there. He just looks around, and I watch him as he looks and takes it in. Not much to take in, that place was so small. He says his bed wouldn't be able to fit in my room. I agree. But I still love him. I realize I love him despite everything bad. Of course we end up making out. I almost told him I loved him while we were. I said his name, and he stopped and looked at me and said what, and I just pretended I didn't say anything and kept holding onto him. I just never wanted him to leave... I loved him so much...

 

He said he liked some of the songs that were playing. He danced a little. He was just so cute. He brought a movie, but I never even asked to see what movie it was. I was so nervous. I had The Devil Wears Prada dvd against my tv, and he was like is this the only movie you have? And I was like no, I'm a movie hoarder. My top 2 dresser drawers are filled with movies, and he opens them and sees. I have a fish tank on top of my dresser with no fish, just sand dollars, and he tells me he used to have turtles. I think that is so cute for some reason trying to picture him little playing with turtles:) He also asked me what I would get if I could have any exotic animal as a pet. I thought that was such an interesting question,and I told him I didn't know. I asked him what his was, and he told me dolphins.

 

Then he asks if he can take his shoes off and get on my bed. I'm like of course. There's nowhere else to really sit lol. He sees my Disney stuffed animals on my bed. They're all from The Little Mermaid and Finding Nemo. He tells me The Little Mermaid is the only Disney movie he had when he was little. I think that is so cute also for some reason. He's just so cute like a little kid. Finally he asks me to come to him and he's laying down at the opposite end of me bed from me. He remembers that I wanted him to hold me from last time we hung out, but he wouldn't do it. He also remembers how I dug my fingernails in his back last time, and notices i have fake nails on this time. Other than that he says I look exactly the same, like I would change that much in 5 months. But I guess since he did, he thinks everyone does, or maybe I do? Idk. I don't notice. I've always stayed around the same weight. I don't dye my hair or anything and it doesn't grow so I feel I don't change much. But I took it as a compliment. Then he made fun of himself. He tried so hard to get me to call him fat, but I wouldn't. I actually liked the weight he put on. Before, he was so skinny he made me feel like I was bigger than him kinda. This time it felt a lot better being inside his arms. I could have stayed there forever if he would let me, but he always leaves. He said he had to go have dinner with his brother? I was like ok. I don't know why I wanted him to invite me, idk what I was thinking. I just hated seeing him go. But before he left, he told me he was not looking for a relationship and that he's not the jealous type. Then he told me about his ex girlfriends. I didn't ask about them he just offered the information. It made me mad, because I felt like telling him how I felt about him, but it's like he knew I was going to, and he knew how to make me change my mind. I was just like what in the actual ****? I was livid. But whatever. In a way, I was actually kind of happy when he left. I was sad to watch him go. He clearly did not want me to walk him out I knew that. And I wouldn't have wanted to anyway. I just wish I never fell in love with him at all.

 

And that's that. I saw him out at the mall the following week. My parents came down to visit me, and I'm there with my family. He's with a girl... He actually waves hi to me though kind of nervously. I'm hurt. My souls is shattered. I'm thinking so many things. He had told me when he came to see me, I only take girls out to dinner or in public if I really like them. Well this girl clearly liked him. She was all over him. And he was laughing until he saw me... Sorry this is hard to write about. But I'm gonna be honest..

I thought about suicide around this time. My roommate stopped me. I was really going to kill myself :'(

I was in a hole. A mess. I never thought I'd get out. I felt so destroyed inside. So many bombs went off inside of me my skin ripples with boiling blood. I was so angry. There were so many tears. I wanted to kill people. Of course I never would do that, but I was just so broken.

 

But anyway, the next time he texts me, it's December. I get a random good morning text. I'm just like what the ****? I'm thinking to myself he must have texted the wrong girl in his phone. I'm sure there are multiple girls in his phone with my name. His fb has nothing but girls as his friends. It's sick. I'm just so sad, I'm official with my boyfriend. I just don't want to make things messy by responding because I know my weak ass will very likely hook up with him again. So I don't respond. He texts again weeks later. And then again a few days after New Years. I do respond this time. I keep it very short and that's that. He texts me two more times that month and I have never heard from him ever since.

 

I saw him once when I was driving to campus. He was on a motorcycle. With no helmet lol. I'd recognize him anywhere. But if he saw me he didn't say anything. This was like over a year after the last time we texted. And then we both graduated on the same day at the same time. I didn't find this out until after the fact, but I think I might have seen him and didn't know it. I didn't wear my contacts, and I'm blind as a bat without my glasses. I did this on purpose because I hate large crowds, and it just calms my anxiety when I can't see anything for some reason. I mean I can see, just not faces. Lol.

 

I found out recently he's a stripper now. And now he's moving away, out of the country too. My deepest fear is that he will fall in love with someone else overseas, and he will never know that someone loved him very much right here near his hometown. It just makes me so sad I literally get sick sometimes.

 

 

Don't ask me why I love him when he clearly didn't. That's something I just can't explain. I'm just another pathetic female who fell for an *******. But I love that *******, more than he'll ever know. Love is love and it causes crazy emotions and rationales. I know I can have better. There have been guys wayyyy cuter than him that have talked to me or hit on me. But none of them make me feel the same way he did. And I still want him. I just wish he would want me too. I do think I could live with his rejection. But just to be able to tell him how I feel would make me feel some kind of relief I believe.

What I felt for him was instant and constant. He was continuously surprising me and always so cute about everything he did or said. I've never been so attracted to someone like him. Most guys like him I wouldn't give the time of day, but he was different to me. I don't understand it, I probably never will. I'm just really scared i will never feel the same for someone else

Edited July 8, 2014 by symphonyofwolves

[lilacwine]

Hi Symphony, thank you very much for taking the time to write all that. It's lengthy but it's ok. I like it. I love hearing details you know. As much as possible. It's like reading a great love story. It's sad but still I like it so much because there are strong and intense emotions and the best part is they are REAL, not fictional. I've felt absolutely the same way about my ex so I can understand. Even the suicide part. I definitely thought about it multiple times after my ex left me. God, we are such similar love-sick souls. And yet, we can't help it. I don't think anyone telling us to stop obsessing, stop stalking doesn't experience/understand the feelings we have. The crazy, irrational love that drive us mad. That's why they're in no position to tell us what to do.

 

However, after learning more about the way he treated you, I still think it's best to NOT contact him. If he had never felt that strongly for you in the first place (which is most likely the case), he wouldn't appreciate anyway if you tell him now how you feel. He would probably feel bad he can't reciprocate and would most likely stay silent.

 

It's not sth rare that we fall helplessly for those who can't love us back. I think it happens a lot to many people too. But the only difference is the intensity. For some people, they would get over it the next day or two but for us it would take forever. I can be sure now that I will never be over my ex and that I may never fall in love like that ever again. We just need to accept it and move on I guess. People invent the terms "Love of my life" and "The one that got away" for a reason. LOL.

 

I hope one day you'll feel at peace with all these messy feelings for him and let them stay in your heart as one of the best things that ever happened to you.

 

Thank you once again for sharing every single details of your story with him. was a great relief to me to know that i'm not the only one out there who has loved another to the point of madness.

Edited July 9, 2014 by lilacwine

[symphonyofwolves]

does how often you think about someone determine how much you miss them or love them?

how do i know if i am missing him more?

i want to believe that he realized what he could have had. i want him to hurt like i do, and once this happens, i want us to be back together again.