Wow...that was out of the blue

[Jalo1548]

Hey guys,

 

I'm new here, but I have been looking over a fair few threads over the last week out of both desperation and comfort. I decided that for me to connect to you guys properly, discussing my personal situation would be great.

 

Right, so a little back story: Me and my ex met years and years ago. She lived a few doors down from my brother, and they are like their own community where he lives, they share BBQ's in the summer, always party together and have a real good time over bonfire night, new year etc. Well whenever I would go round there would be about 10-50 people dependant upon the occasion and my ex would (according to everybody around me, I was oblivious to this) slowly start making her way over to me and look at me all the time. Cutting a long story short she was very interested in me, from a young age. She spoke to me when she could and I was never really interested in girls, I was about 12 for goodness sakes.

 

The years went by and somehow over facebook we got talking. I was 15 on the brink of 16 and she was 14. We started dating slowly and she was infatuated with me, wanting to spend every minute of her day with me and talking to me. I had a form of transport so I would take the trek down to her house 4-6 out of 7 days a week. We was having a fun and good relationship, but only at a kids level, with kissing touching and enjoying movies together. Then for whatever reason I told her we needed to see less of each other otherwise we will tire of each others company and that seeing each other 2-3 times a week would be healthier. This did not go down well at the time but she eventually came round to the idea and seeing each other was something we would look forward to.

 

As time went on she turned 15, 16, 17 and her 18th is just round the corner in September, and I turned 20 last May. Through these years she had many "issues", some of which I helped her greatly such as her lack of eating, but there were others which I was of no use at all due to my ignorance, for example her OCD and anxiety. I never experienced either so I would basically have the attitiude of get over it. I was never nasty of aggressive, I just was not submissive or anything. We slowly started to grow apart, getting different views and she slowly became a stronger person by herself because I made her feel good about her life with her family and friends and that sitting in your room all day and being by yourself is going to get you depressed further.

 

This girl over the last year has been great, a pain in the arse, and my lover. We argue frequently, but its more of a bicker than a full blown arguement. Anything that lasts longer than a day is seen as a real issue, and its never lasted longer than a week if something really big comes up. In the last 6 months I have been unemployed, as I work for the family business and I didnt have the balls to leave even though there was no work coming in. I was happy with living off my savings and having a minimalistic lifestyle by eating out less frequently, not treating myself or her to anything we used to do when we first went out together. My bedroom became my base, and I stopped visiting her house. I get on really really well with her whole family, so its not that I didnt want to go round, I just grew lazy and stopped trying with basically everything. My life felt dead without having a job so I just let myself go. I would go to bed at night at 2 or 3 in the morning and wake up at 11, 12 maybe even late into the evening the following day because what was the point in getting out of bed? I had lost my drive.

 

Fast forward to now, I have been on my own for two weeks and I am dying inside. My GF left me, saying that she no longer wishes to be with me and she no longer loves me. She was growing tired of my personality, as I became Mr. Super Negative about everything, I didnt have time for her music, her fashion ideas, her life and I would usually belittle everything she did, just to find comfort in my own pathetic way. She claims she has been losing her love for me over the last year or so, and now has plucked up the courage to drop me and pursue her single life.

 

I take full responsibility for everything that I have done, I slowly turned into something I never wanted to be, but that cannot be changed now. I can only make sure that I never go back to that place. I stupidly as my natural instinct begged her not to leave me, to give us the second chance we deserved and for her to be loved and appreciated the way I should have. I wrote her a letter pointing out everything I love about her, why she is so important in my life and what I am going to do about my lifestyle to make her want me again.

 

I told her I planned to: Stop thinking living off savings is acceptable, I am finding a job and I plan to be in work by the end of the year full time. I will never push you to the side like your opinions and feelings are not important, or belittle things you do in your life. I wont decline your invites to spend time with your family and have dinner at your house. I will make sure our life together isnt just restricted to watching TV in my bedroom, I have a car so why dont we just go out on random trips to towns we dont even know exist. I want to make you feel loved and special etc, you get the idea.

 

I said all of this out of honesty, she gave me a huge kick up the ass and I do see what I have become. I understand that I am not currently desirable or likeable. I am changing for myself and for us, not for her to try and get her back. These improvements must be made so I can become a better stronger person.

 

Her replies have been not far short from devastating to my life. She has told me to move on, meet other people and dont get caught up on being with me. I would pry and push, pleading for this second chance only to be met with "I'm not changing my mind". She has clearly been thinking about this for a while. I have been texting her occasionally over the last 2 weeks to make sure she is okay and is fine. Her replies are short, sharp, and give the impression she is perfectly fine with her decision. A huge issue came up when I went round to her house to see her parents as she should have been at work, and to my amazement she answered the door....she finished her shift early -_- we spoke and I was nearly in tears, seeing how she has changed so much in such a short time. She is now wearing band shirts with torn leggings and dyed her hair dark red, plans to have her nipples peirced and wants to go out drinking alot more. She is by no means unattractive, she has just had a huge change in appearance. I said I will change, just give me that second chance please! She looked at me like I wasnt even there, pouring my heart and soul at her feet. She said "I never want to go back there again" like I was some sort of domestic abuser or I was unfaithful.

 

I have in the last 2 weeks turned into something I have never ever been. Insecure. I have been changing as a person, I now try to smile to everybody, speak to people all the time and I have applied to lots of jobs, and have an interview on Wednesday I have stopped being so negative and I listen to people and their opinions before writing them off. I feel alot better in myself but I think of her moving on with somebody else or having flings with guys and I just feel sick. I think to myself, I am changing for us, to give us a real good shot at a great relationship but you have no time for the guy who stuck by you through some real tough sh**, when you felt insecure and had huge strops and mood swings, when you needed somebody to talk to in confidence and needed a shoulder to cry on, when you felt insecure I made you love things about your body you hated, your first love and real relationship, the guy who wants me make you feel special etc. I have been a good BF in the past, but I let things slip in the last 6-12 months, but I am honestly trying to better myself.

 

The thing that is getting to me is the fact she says she no longer loves me in that way anymore. I cannot beleive that at all, I find it as a front to make her feel strong when she talks to me. My Bday was in May, and off her own back she made a really nice scrapbook, with pictures and stuff from the start of our relationship to now, and she wrote at the end "the rest of the pages are for our future together" which clearly indicated she wanted to be with me. She got me a present but she made this on the side. If her feelings were dead towards me, why go through the trouble of creating this book, why not just leave it to just the simple off the shelf non personal presents. We have been having sex and she has been really intimate, with no signs of anything negative. She only turned cold towards me in the week before our break-up, with minimal texts and saying she cant see me as she if working too much this week.

 

One thing I said was why is it not worth the second chance, and she claims the spark and passion is gone. So I said to her, If I was try hold your hands, look you in the eyes and gently kiss you, would you feel nothing towards me. She couldnt answer me, she said she didnt know. If she is willing to end the relationship because she no longer desires me, wouldnt that be a no?

 

I am just very shaken by this whole thing, I planned to propose to her on Xmas and to know I saw us as moving on and she saw us as dying off kills me. She has no time for the guy who meant so much to her, and she so much to me. I am unsure if this is just because this has happened and she doesnt want to turn back so soon, as she wants to feel strong and confident in her decision.

 

As of now I am going NC, giving her space and whatnot to reflect. She is going on holiday with her parents in two weeks (I was meant to be going too) and I hope she is thinking about us. She is giving off the impression that she gives no ****s, has a heart of ice and never thinks about us. I know this girl (well I think I do) and she is so kind and forgiving, for me to believe she isnt just fronting just isnt going to happen right now. I hope she calls me or lets me know we can be friends again so we can get to know each other from scratch and slowly work up to a good relationship again. I don't want to go from where we left off, thats a disaster waiting to happen.

 

If we could iron out the crinkles, open up communication a little more and give it another shot in a few months, maybe new year to let her grow and me too then that would be awesome, but for her to draw a line under us, due to something that can be fixed (she said if I made these changes a few months ago it would have been different) is hard to take.

 

Sorry if it is strucutred badly or if the spelling is not perfect, I am rushing to type this so I dont lose my stream of thought.

 

Thanks for any help you guys can give me

[Jalo1548]

No comments? Anybody suffer a similar thing? Any chance of rekindling the flame or should I focus on helping her as a friend and help her acheive her life goals. I do know her better than anybody else.

[NeoDymium]

How about give her a nice sentimental gift (like the scrapbook she gave you on your BDay) reminding her how much you loved her and how much you still do and that you believe that special connection, love and respect that you once sincerely had for each other deserves a chance....

 

I'm not very experienced mate, but best I can offer at the lack of responses in this thread at the moment. Best of luck

[Jalo1548]

I gave her the scrapbook back almost instantly, I would feel intense emotions looking at it. If she talks to me in the next few weeks/months I plan to go out for breakfast which is what we always used to do years ago. I hope she doesn't turn it down, look like a right fool hahaha.

[Jalo1548]

Would it be an issue if everybody around her is saying he deserves another chance? I know her older sister, her mum, dad, aunties and younger brother have said try again since her mum text me the other day saying she thinks it is over, and said she was trying to convince her. This is annoying because I am trying to keep up NC but in a way this isn't really NC, people around her are still mentioning me, it just by me? Anybody got any input, good or bad?