My Story ... from a 'veteran'

[gtr]

It's now 2014 and I can't believe I'm here on a site like this over the same woman but I'm going to post my story to tell you my experience with NC, making them jealous...etc I hope this may help some of you. I'd also like to get your advice on what to do, not to do.

 

My breakup was not a normal breakup but actually a divorce. However, it wasn't a typical divorce (as you'll see) and it wasn't a typical marriage. So I've always treated it as a LTR/breakup. She also lived in another state but traveled for work frequently to my state.

 

We both dated for a while back in 2005. Nothing too heavy but great sex and enjoyed our company. After a couple of months of light dating (non exclusive) she called it off, saying she was going to get serious with someone else. I was disappointed and sad for a week but that's it. I did not contact her again.

 

She contacted me 1 1/2 years later via email, saying she now has a 9 month old child and has been thinking of me all the time. For 6 months we'd make plans for her to come see me. She'd flake, time would pass and more plans..flake. Finally plans stuck and she came out. It was completely different from the first time we dated. She was ALL in, as in I was the greatest thing that ever happened to her and she couldn't get enough of me. It was intoxicating. For 2 months she'd fly out to see me every other weekend and we both fell madly in love. So much that we ended up getting married in Vegas on one weekend.

 

I moved to her state and house and immediately the problems started. In retrospect I think it was just she had certain expectations, I had mine and they just didn't line up. Our day to day interactions were great, amazing chemistry and we both wanted to make the other happy, no matter what it took. We were now married of course.

 

I'll try to move this along now... issues came up, which caused me to move out of the house in a sh*tty way (while she was at work), then 6 weeks later after things got worse I left the state. She didn't know for a week and was naturally devasted when she found out. She filed for divorce, but there is a waiting period. She then spent months flying out to see me, trying to get me to come 'home'. The issue we had turned me stone cold to her but over time I did soften. Eventually I was no longer angry or insecure over our 'issue' (it involved her child's father) and looked forward to going back and do things right. Finally.

 

Then she hit me with the divorce anyway. I didn't get his name, but there's always a guy. I was crushed beyond belief, like never before over anyone. After licking my wounds I made a plan to go back, tell her I was there via vm (and send a stupid letter after getting bad advice) to which she never responded at all.

 

I absorbed every single 'Get her back' guide on the net, hundreds of $ worth. They all said the same thing and seems like a waste of money now but they gave me much needed hope.

 

Every day was a nightmare emotionally. I was in her state (thick accents) knew nobody and I was attempting to get a girl back from divorce. Everyone told me to forget it, impossible. But I wouldn't listen. Fortunately I had an internet based job so I had my income but everything else was building a life from scratch, completely heartbroken. I went a week once without getting off the couch except for the bathroom. So bad.

 

Over time, however, I started picking myself up. I obsessively thought about her, but I did manage to meet a new girl who was really into me and I also put a good band together. Those, along with a new friend who was going through something similiar and I managed to make it through the day.

 

Then...it happened! I broke the NC thing with a simple Happy Holidays text (it was 2 days before xmas). She immediately called me (called, not text) The conversation was cold on her end and I knew to end it first, so I did after 15 mins. 3 days later she called me crying, telling me how much she loved and missed me and that all of my leaving her just hurt her so much. I went over to her house and she was all done up and trying to win me over. I couldn't believe it!

 

We had sex of course but she backtracked the following morning 'we're not together!' I put no pressure at all, just said I enjoyed our time together. She called every day for the next few days and I went over again, more sex.

 

At this point I knew I had to break it off with other girl, who was really liking me (her words) but she had bought expensive tix for us for NYE and I just didn't have the heart to dump her before that. I thought it would have been cruel. Meanwhile the ex-wife was hinting at doing something with me but I completely missed it. I'll take this girl out one last time, dont touch her and break it off the following morning. I had good intentions at least.

 

So NYE...I'm out with her and guess who shows up and confronts me...the ex wife. I'll spare the details but it was a bad night for all. I did drop the girl off and went to see the exwife at home later that night but she had her walls up so high I couldn't get through at all. after 30 mins I gave up and went home. She called the next day, walls even higher so I ignored the vm and let 2 weeks go by.

 

When I did contact her, I asked her to meet me for a drink..she did and I pulled every 'alpha' dating trick I knew to bust down her walls. Stupid, after what she had just experienced but I was desperate to get through to her. It worked (we ended up back in bed that night) but then she started crying from my sledgehammer approach. We met one more time a few days later at a coffee shop, she was cold (but still there, unbelievably) but this time I was weak, worn out from the reconciliation efforts and I looked it. My phone kept going off, she got up and left.

 

I tried one more phone contact but cold, detached and high walls. So I vowed I would never contact her again, only respond to her. I kept it up for 5 years.

 

She drove by my place (nowhere near her work or home) a month later and saw a new girl leaving my place at 6am, hugging me goodbye. I saw her and just gave up. How could I possible come back from another one? but the truth was I was devastated over the exwife and took comfort in the new girl rather than sink further into depression.

 

I never saw her again, but the story is far from over.

 

She (exwife) started reaching out with calls/hang ups, comments on FB on our one mutual friends page that were very specific that only I would understand...things like that. Nothing direct, just hints. But I would not respond to any of them.

 

This continued, no lie for the last 5 years. In all those years she never once posted even a single pic of her and any other guy, I did the same (on FB)Truth is, I lost interest in all other women. I dated but only those who actively pursued me and nothing lasted more than a month. I know she dated, she's beautiful but she hid it all.

 

That all changed a few months ago. An old 'BFF' which I knew about but never met. I think they grew up together or something. Thinking it was just her friend, I reached out to her with a simple text. I was tired of this and wanted to stop being so stubborn and communicate like an adult, leading her by example.

 

Apparently, this old time friend had turned into a new passionate romance. She's not hiding it at all. It was the first time I've seen her with anyone else since we fell in love and right now I'm going through the heartbreak all over again. I had already opened communication by the time I figured out he was not just a friend anymore.

 

She was friendly in her texts but mistook something I said (a stupid joke actually) badly and crushed me with tales of her 'new amazing man'. I ignored it and just said that I wanted to apologize for all the things I ever did that hurt her. It was pride and bad communication that (I felt) broke us up, not a lack of love. She replied friendly, thanking me and asking for my email address so she could respond. I figured, well she must have a lot to say.

 

This is when I started making all the same mistakes I'm sure you all have made in the first month of a breakup..not leaving it alone..etc A few days go by, I heard nothing and I had been drinking. So I send a text trying to conjure up old memories of when we fell in love, how beautiful she was and always will be ...etc No surprise, no answer.

 

Until the next morning she posts pictures of her and her new 'amazing man' clearly romantic on an out of the country trip. Seeing those hurt in a way only those of you going through this can appreciate. I texted her later saying I get it, saw the pics, I won't interfere and thank you letting me get my apology off my chest. No reply.

 

A few days go by and I decide that there's just way too much left in me. It's open now so get it out. So I posted a long blog post (hidden url) and sent her a text with the link saying there's more I wanted to say than could fit into a few lines of text. It wasn't perfect, I should've took out all negative things blaming her for anything but it was mostly good. Apologies in detail for things I should have long ago, how hurtful my leaving was, seeing me with those other women. Christ, I was so stubborn I didn't even call when I found out her father had passed away (a few months early when I heard) so I apologized for not being there at a time like that.

 

I felt good because I felt sincere, I hurt her bad and she kept coming back again and again. I also ignored all of her reaching out for years because it wasn't direct enough for me. So I said I never once rejected her, just wasn't enough. And that while I went on with my life, I have missed her every day since we've been apart. I understand there's a new man and I won't interfere but will always be there for her. I'm moving to another state soon. It was a little more sappy than that but not too bad.

 

She was at work and it was long so I figured it might take days to hear from her at all. No, she sent back a decent email 3 hours later, thanking me for apologizing for those things and even apologizing for what she had done to hurt me. It was nothing like I gave her, but for her and considering a new boyfriend I'll take it. A few hours later I sent a simple 'thank you' text, expecting to never hear again. She texted me the next morning, thanking me again with and wishing me happiness.

 

yup, didn't leave it alone. I texted one more time almost a week later just saying Hi, how was your weekend? No reply.

 

And that's where I'm at. I hope those of you wondering if NC works, if they get jealous does that help and is it possible. I almost had her back after a traumatic event like a divorce and only 3 months later (it seemed like 3 years) so if there is love, or strong emotions there is always hope. Leave it as good as you possibly can, give them space and expect the unexpected.

 

I'd like to ask you your thoughts on my situation. She admitted that she was still hurting over everything until early this year (after 5 years and new guy) so I clearly had been in her mind until not too long ago.

 

1) THat's a long time to be in her head and heart, like she's been in mine. Is it really over for her or is she thinking about the things I said (long overdue apologies)

 

2) Can an old friend she never had passion for really turn into a passionate romance? My female friends say no, he's safe and she may be forcing it. Once the honeymoon phase ends she'll get bored.

 

I plan to get in amazing shape. I'm already in the same 'good' shape as when we first met and new man is handsome, but no more than me. But looking even better than she's ever seen me, while remaining NC. I could post 'jealousy' pics with other girls on FB. It worked before but honestly, I love her and never want to hurt her again. She could be completely indifferent but I don't want to take a chance.

 

Thoughts?

Thanks for listening, ha that was long.

[gtr]

I also meant to give my opinion for all of you on the NC maxim.

 

I've read many of your stories and yes, for many of you NC is the way to go for now. But sticking to NC forever, no matter what is, in some cases, just stupid.

 

NC is to get yourself back together and to give her time to cool off from the breakup, as well as wait out any rebound relationship. But in some cases, light friendly contact is worth trying after the initial NC period.

 

In my case, for whatever reason, she would not reach out directly, but over and over she responded to my contact. Some women (and men?) are just like that. So only you'll know when to break NC.

 

I stubbornly held on to NC and yeah she never got over it until somewhat recently, probably because I ignored her and appeared completely indifferent but I still lost her in the end. So what good was it?

[CarrieT]

I think you are both Drama Queens who are drawn to each other for your mutual destruction (or self-destruction).

 

You want a fulfilling, healthy life? Go NC and *never* contract her ever again.

 

I doubt that will happen...