trying again doesnt work

[foolinlove79]

I so wanted another chance. I really do love my so but I think he might seriously have mental problems. I dont know how many times we have bu and got back together. Its always him who bu for stupid reasons and always him who decides he made a terrible mistake. Last time I didnt hear from him for months and was just starting to get it together when he shows up again. Saying all the right things.

 

Why do I say he has mental problems.. because nothing happens. Theres no fighting or anything. Just one day something goes off in his head. And its so obvious to me. I know the signs...he stops holding my hand. Stops being affectionate. Gets this look in his eyes...I know what hes thinking...i ask is everything ok and he insists it is. I realise I have let him do this to me. But how you can treat someone you claim to love like this I dont get. I cant do this again. I dont have the strength. I slready feel sick. Im just waiting for it..

[Allumere]

why wait. take control

[leavesonautumn]

Been there, done that, nothing will ever change. The roller coaster will not end until one person steps off of it. The longest I went without contacting my ex was 5 months and then one day, BOOM, he's back sending me messages and gets a hotel room for the night to hook up and we were back on the ride from that moment on.

 

OP, when you reconnect, how does he get back in contact with you? Is there something you could possibly change so that he won't be able to reach you? Have you just recently broken up again? How long have you been together?

[foolinlove79]

It always starts with a email or text. Just to see how I am. Slowly he works up to an apology and hopes we can be friends. It just kind of evolves from there.

 

I could change my number. Block his emails. I dont think hed ever have the guts to visit me in person without testing the waters first.

 

We been on and off for prob 5 years now. Last time was 4 months before he contacted me again. We havent broke up again. Last time he said he knows hes the one who has the issue and how much he loves me and how sorry he is. But I know the signs now. I think hes working up to it again.

 

I wish I could just walk away. I love him. I really do.

[leavesonautumn]

Damn, we could be the same person haha.

 

I'd say take the initiative and break up with him. Change your phone number and block his emails. We both know he will contact you again if he breaks up with you, it's not a matter of if but when.

 

I know you love him but with that love there's also pain and you deserve so much more!

 

It's easy for me to give the advice but I don't know what I'd do if my ex contacted me again.

 

My friend gave me some really great advice. She said that my head knows I shouldn't be with him but my heart doesn't agree. You'll only be ready to move on once your heart and head finally meet. I'd never judge someone for getting back with an ex, I did it 8 or 9 times so

[foolinlove79]

Thanks mate. Good to know someone else has been through the same crap.

[LostConfused123]

I changed my number 3 weeks ago.

DO IT !!! it's a HUGE relief and sends a strong message.

((hugs!!))

[leavesonautumn]

I had changed my phone number once... he came knocking on my door a few days later bahaha. He would never dare show his face without feeling me out via text first which is why it was so bizarre.

[Storm_Chaser]

Borderline Personality Disorder. Both of the people I loved most in this world have it--the "push-pull" of telling you everything you want to hear, making you feel like the most loved and special individual on the planet and then BAM: Gone. You can cry, beg, plead, yet they won't come back and will pull further away from you. Yet, as soon as you start to heal and move on: they're back.

 

It's cyclical. It will continue to happen so long as you allow it. My ex-fiance about killed me after two years of that ****. It happened again with my most recent ex-boyfriend.

 

So long as you allow it, it will continue. And, believe me, they're persistent. You can change your phone number, block their number, emails, etc. But if they want to get in touch with you, they'll find a way.

 

For example, when I moved out of our apartment, my ex-fiance demanded to know where I was moving to. I didn't tell him, so he drove around the city until he found my car. When I wouldn't answer my cell phone, he'd call (or show up) at my place of employment.

 

I'd go back and it would start all over again. Until, finally, one day I didn't go back.

 

You have to just say you're done, else you have this behavior to look forward to for the rest of your life. It's hard when you love them, but you also have to know when to respect and love yourself enough to let go.

[foolinlove79]

Borderline Personality Disorder. Both of the people I loved most in this world have it--the "push-pull" of telling you everything you want to hear, making you feel like the most loved and special individual on the planet and then BAM: Gone. You can cry, beg, plead, yet they won't come back and will pull further away from you. Yet, as soon as you start to heal and move on: they're back.

 

It's cyclical. It will continue to happen so long as you allow it. My ex-fiance about killed me after two years of that ****. It happened again with my most recent ex-boyfriend.

 

So long as you allow it, it will continue. And, believe me, they're persistent. You can change your phone number, block their number, emails, etc. But if they want to get in touch with you, they'll find a way.

 

For example, when I moved out of our apartment, my ex-fiance demanded to know where I was moving to. I didn't tell him, so he drove around the city until he found my car. When I wouldn't answer my cell phone, he'd call (or show up) at my place of employment.

 

I'd go back and it would start all over again. Until, finally, one day I didn't go back.

 

You have to just say you're done, else you have this behavior to look forward to for the rest of your life. It's hard when you love them, but you also have to know when to respect and love yourself enough to let go.

 

Logically I know he will do it again. Its the total screwing with my emotions I hate. Its so draining. And yes I agree borderline personality or some mental issue. Its such weird behaviour. You should hear him when he wants me back. So convincing. So sincere...and then when hes decided it wont work it doesnt matter what I say. Thats it it's over.

 

You are a strong person to have been able to finally put your foot down and say enough

[leavesonautumn]

Does he ever accuse you of having some type of mental disorder?

 

My ex convinced himself and his mother that I was bi-polar because I was emotional after having to put my dog down. Because one minute I was okay and the next I cried, I suddenly had mental problems. Then I got dumped the day after . They convinced themselves I somehow hated their dog because I didn't feel like giving it attention at all seconds of the day.

 

When I'm not with him, I feel so much more sane and wonder how he could try to convince me that there was something wrong with me. Somehow I was always at fault.

[foolinlove79]

No he hasnt accused me of having a mental disorder. But whenever we break up it is always things I am doing or not doing. But they are stupid petty things to me. Like he needs constant conversation. I mean constant. You couldnt just come home from work and relax. Youd have to have something to talk about ALL the time. Its like he couldnt just be. Just enjoy time together. He would text and email all day and then know everything about my day swhich I found suffocating and im also thinking im not gonna have much to say if ive spent all bloody day talking to you. And hed always have to have plans. If you dont want to go out then its like oh this will never work cos we dont have anything in common now. And one time we got back together and he said see I love the happy you. Well no one is happy like they are at the start of the relationship forever. It kind of stabilises to another point. I feel ridiculous writing this. It does make me more aware of the fact that it would probably never work.

[leavesonautumn]

That's the best part of getting it all out and saying how you feel! You read what you just typed and you're like.. seriously? did that really just happen in my life?

[Downtown]

Foolinlove, I agree with StormChaser that you are describing some of the warning signs for BPD. The repeated cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back is one of the hallmarks of BPDers because their two fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- lie at opposite ends of the very same spectrum.

 

The result is that, as you draw close to a BPDer to reduce his abandonment fear, you necessarily are starting to trigger his engulfment fear (a suffocating feeling of being controlled). Significantly, there is no midpoints position -- not too close and not too far away -- where you can safely stand. I know because I wasted 15 years looking for that nonexistent Goldilocks position.

 

A recent poll at BPDfamily found that 73% of BPDer relationships go through at least 3 full cycles of breakup/makeup before eventually ending for good. It found that 40% went through 6 or more B/M cycles and nearly a fourth had 10 or more B/M cycles before finally ending. See BPDfamily Poll on Breakup/Makeup Cycle.

 

Yet, if your Ex really does have strong BPD traits, you would have been seeing other warning signs that are a part of that pattern. If you are interested, you will find a list of such red flags in my post at 18 Warning Signs. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them in my posts at Rebel's Thread. If that discussion rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, Foolinlove.