charcoal Posted April 18, 2014 Share Posted April 18, 2014 So, here's my story. My boyfriend broke up with me because he's starting to fall our of love. He says he still has feelings for me but it wouldn't be fair if the time came that he didn't have any feelings left for me. But I feel like it's not because really "falling out of love". I feel like it's because we've been facing a lot of problems recently and maybe he just got tired. I'm on my 5th day of No Contact. I know I should focus on moving on first before doing this. But should I go on or what? I know you guys might say that I should go on with my life but if ever we would be given a second chance, I'd like to see where our relationship could go. And my friend even told me that one time he was asking about me. I'd really appreciate your help/advice. Thanks guys! Link to post Share on other sites
KaliLove Posted April 18, 2014 Share Posted April 18, 2014 Asking about you doesn't mean anything. I'm sure he feels bad for hurting you but it doesn't mean he wants you back. If he wanted you back he would tell you, but to be honest, you don't 'fall out of love' with someone you're going to end up with..chances are that this will not work out in the end. Stay NC and start moving on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jiivy Posted April 18, 2014 Share Posted April 18, 2014 Whilst not my words originally, I think these have been increadibly important to me and are worth repeating here: I believe that happy and healthy relationships are those where we *choose* to maintain them. Love (and “in love”), in some respects, is a choice. Anyone who claims that they “can’t change how they feel”, or “cannot act against their feelings” is absolutely full of it. Now, they may have good reason to choose to leave the relationship. Errors, incompatibilities and hurt can erode at the source of love. But just because the “feeling” isn’t there? That is selfishness. That is expecting someone to put the butterflies in your tummy and excite you forever, and if they don’t, you abandon them. That is expecting to feel “in love” all the time with someone, and if it drops before a certain baseline, you bounce. Expecting to always feel “in love” is expecting my partner to excite me and make me happy, always. Expecting to “just feel it” all the time is, in essence, expecting your partner to do all the work for you. That kind of expectation is cancer to a relationship. That’s an addiction to the feeling of love. That is a lack of effort and a willingness to quit. If a relationship is unsatisfying, toxic or hollow – if there truly are no redeeming qualities – I support leaving beyond a shadow of a doubt. But I *do* get irritated when I see both dumpers and dumpees alike feel torn and heartbroken because they weren’t “feeling it” and just assumed the relationship was dead before even taking its pulse. I believe that a happy and healthy relationship is full of love, support, and acceptance. It’s bonding. I do not need to feel attraction towards my partner all the time. I need a *best friend* (who, yes, I will be attracted to more often than not…sex *is* an important part of it…just not the most important part). I need a literal partner. Someone who will back me up. I accept that sometimes I will feel more “in love”, sometimes I will feel less, and sometimes I won’t feel it at all. I accept that my partner will annoy me, bore me, inadvertently hurt me and occasionally ignore me. I accept this because I know that I am responsible for my own happiness, love and excitement. If I start to get bored with me relationship, then it becomes my responsibility to do something fun. If I don’t feel the connection, it’s my responsibility to communicate. If I don’t feel the attraction, it’s my responsibility to be romantic and seduce her. It’s not just being happy on your own that brings a long, happy relationship – it’s being responsible for yourself. Being independent even when together. Unfortunately I can't locate the ID of the OP for the above... so Mr/Mrs. Anon, thank you. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
contact1 Posted April 18, 2014 Share Posted April 18, 2014 What's the difference between "falling out of love" and "getting tired of all the problems"? They go hand and hand, if the two of you were having relationship issues, than yes he could have been losing interest and in a sense, falling out of love. Link to post Share on other sites
Jiivy Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 What's the difference between "falling out of love" and "getting tired of all the problems"? They go hand and hand, if the two of you were having relationship issues, than yes he could have been losing interest and in a sense, falling out of love. I agree - but I think the crucial difference is that mature couples will have tried to work these problems out with their partner. If you feel you and your partner have openly discussed these issues and still haven't reached a resolution then ok.... What upsets me deeply is when one person checks out without ever having talked to their partner about these issues. It builds inside, it kills their love and they decide to go. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 The thing is though, there is a certain thing you feel at he beginning of a relationship that is either THERE or NOT. I personally like a huge mutual attraction, chemistry and spark to be there naturally from the start. I would rather that, than a person I feel no spark for, for I "grow to love" over a long period and due to simply being around them and the fact they are wonderful people Many couples grow to love their partner, they never get the excitement, butterflies or any sort of strong feelings to begin with. Many couples start out as friends essentially, they were never "crazy" about their partner to begin with, but rather, they really liked and respected them as people and felt that they wanted to pick their partner due to them being solid and reliable, with a nice personality. I believe you need natural chemistry and fireworks at he start AND the will to both want the same things in life You need passion, AND the acceptance that you wont feel butterflies 24/7 You DO need the passion to begin with, for some people. Many people don't need to date people whom they are that into, and they would rather grow to love a "friend" figure essentially, as they would rather have a solid, loving relationship opposed to being IN love. The OP'S boyfriend was probably not head over heels for her to begin with. Link to post Share on other sites
Author charcoal Posted April 20, 2014 Author Share Posted April 20, 2014 I agree - but I think the crucial difference is that mature couples will have tried to work these problems out with their partner. If you feel you and your partner have openly discussed these issues and still haven't reached a resolution then ok.... What upsets me deeply is when one person checks out without ever having talked to their partner about these issues. It builds inside, it kills their love and they decide to go. This couldn't be more true. I wish more people would realize this. ) Link to post Share on other sites
Author charcoal Posted April 24, 2014 Author Share Posted April 24, 2014 Update!! He says he regrets breaking up with me. It's been 10 days of NC. He wants to get back together but feels like it's not possible. Help? Link to post Share on other sites
elseaacych Posted April 24, 2014 Share Posted April 24, 2014 If he wanted to be with you, he would be banging on your door, apologizing and begging for you back. There is nothing stopping him but himself and whatever feelings or lack there of that he has. Do not accept this. Call him on his bs. "If you want to be with me. Prove it. Be with me." And go NC until he tells you he wants you back. Then make him prove it. Disclaimer: More likely than not will not happen. If it does happen, what you have will not be the same as what you had before. Link to post Share on other sites
chados Posted April 25, 2014 Share Posted April 25, 2014 Every dumper will say they love you but they don't want a relationship or something close to that. As long as they don't say anything relevant ignore it. It's his job to get you back if he wants. And I know you don't wanna hear it but there are others out there for you. That's not to make you feel any better. That's a promise Link to post Share on other sites
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