Opportunity for second chance, but another problem is stopping me.

[JJ94]

I am conflicted between two guys. I know a lot of people will look at this and think bad of me for that, but please read the entire post before making any negative comments or feedback. I suppose what I’m looking for is advice. As well as before, I’m sure there will be a “why take advice from a stranger” comment or something along those lines, but I really have no idea what to do.

 

I’ll begin with the first guy who was in the picture. Four years ago I met Guy 1. We had a very special relationship. We weren't extremely needy or dependent (which was a nice change from previous boyfriends), but we were comfortable, fun and in love. We just clicked very well and enjoyed each other’s company. It was a very satisfying relationship, where we were both happy. In fact, he was my first love. I felt safe with him and I loved myself more than I ever had before, because he accepted me for me. However, Guy 1 had a lack of commitment due to past relationships, which is completely understandable.

 

He was into the relationship, but it moved very slow and cautious. That wasn't so much a bad thing, but I could easily be seen that he was unsure of himself. However, even with that kind of doubt, I knew he loved me, and I loved him just as much. Things changed when what was once a physical relationship (meaning being able to see each other frequently), turned into a long-distance relationship due to his work. I, being 8 years younger than him, was too young to tag along with him at the time. The long-distance began early in the relationship, which took a big toll on it. We didn’t fight or argue a lot, but the distance made it harder and after 2 years of being together, we split. We were still very good friends and what we had really never fizzled out. It was always there, but the timing wasn’t right. We both began to date other people, nothing serious, but still.

 

After about a year of being apart from guy 1, I met guy 2. Guy two would basically be the polar opposite of guy one. He is 4 years younger than me, extremely needy and emotional, way too attached and a bit too forward with his feelings and commitment. He treats me well, however, I do not feel the same feelings I did with guy 1. He is always nice to me, but at the same time, makes me feel very uncomfortable(I know the way this is being said is odd, but I don’t know any other way to describe it. He is good to be, but at the same time, he isn’t, I guess?). I do not feel comfortable in my own skin and I feel like I have to hold back a lot. I walk on eggshells with everything I say, he is very emotional. His insecurities make it hard to move past things and I feel as though he doesn’t trust me. I’ve had to distance myself from quite a lot of friends because he did not like them.

 

After only a few short months, guy 2 was very attached to me and that made me very uncomfortable. After being together for six months, I was feeling extremely smothered, not trusted and just way too relied on, so I ended the relationship. It was not a long split, and I’ll tell you why. Every day since I broke it off with him, he’d scream and shout about what a bad person I was and how I betrayed his trust. He’d tell me that I was his everything and he didn’t want to live without me and that if he had to be without me any longer, he’d kill himself. I being genuinely worried, talked to his older brother about this, but he seemed disinterested (they don’t have a civil relationship) and I decided that I wouldn’t be able to live with the burden of being the cause that ended a young man’s life and got back together with him.

 

I know a lot of people will say, “Oh, that’s controlling behavior,” however, before he and I started dating, he was depressed and suicidal then. The subject of suicide hits very close, and hard, to home because of past things with my mother. I do believe he loves me, but I think he might love me too much. It scares me that he would even think about taking his life if we ever broke up again.

I may be called a “sap” for falling for the suicide thing, but I do genuinely believe he would hurt himself, and even if he just using it as a method of control, the subject hits VERY close to home and it makes me very weary of my actions towards him.

 

Now, fast forward to two weeks before mine and guy 2’s one year anniversary. About a month ago, Guy 1 got in touch with me again, and as I said before, what we had just never fizzled out. I still have very strong feelings about him and I do believe I always will. He is exactly what I want in a man and I feel that this time, he is willing to commit permanently. He has saved money to move to my town and he has found a job here as well. At the same time, I am still in a relationship with guy 2 and I am very worried about breaking it off with him. I have very strong feelings for guy 1, but I do like guy 2.

 

When I think about the future with each of them, I can actually visualize it with guy 1, whereas, with guy 2, I can think about it, but I just don’t see it that way. I never expected guy 1 to come back into my life, which is where I am so conflicted. I really do love him, and I feel that he feels the same for me, but I am very scared for guy 2. I am scared that if I end our relationship, he will hurt himself. I would feel so ridiculously guilty if anything happened to him, because I do care about him, just not in a relationship-type way any longer.

 

I know this is a situation where someone will get hurt, but I just need someone to give some sort of advice. I would really love to be with guy 1 again, and so would he. He understands my situation, however, and is letting me take my time. I have no idea how to go about, or if I even should, break it off with guy 2. I am very scared of what the repercussions would be of that. Is there a way to distance myself and have him be the one to break it off? Any advice would be useful.

 

(just to add, I have never been sexually active with either guy, or anyone, for that matter. Guy 1 and I were able to feel intimacy without any sexual activity until I was comfortable with it. He never pressured me and was very supportive of my decision. Guy 2 pressures me, even though he knows that I would like to wait until I am sure it is what I want with who I want. Because I don't give in to his sexual advances, I feel a big lack of any intimacy in our relationship.)

Edited June 11, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Added Paragraphs, Please use them

[JJ94]

I would really appreciate some answers

[aisuru]

I would really appreciate some answers

 

 

Can you break it down into more paragraphs? It's really difficult to read and easy to stop reading after the first fifth or so.

 

Lots of simple lines will get you more responses as it's easier to read.

[todreaminblue]

what you should do is break it off from both, take your time on your own to make the right decision, to be with who you really care about,

 

 

decide if you are just doing it to be with someone,

 

 

go solo for a while, however long it takes for you to be 100 per cent sure of what you really need or want........

 

 

dont trail guys behind you waiting for a decision from you.......make a clean break

 

 

you arent in the right head space to make a choice...that is why you cant make it...if you dont take time out...you wont make the right choice because you are under duress.......

 

 

 

if you make a choice now....you will probably regret it........

 

 

when you are ready....it will be clear to you...what guy to choose.....it may be neither...

 

 

but you wont know that is possibly the best option for you...unless you give it time....be honest with the both of them.......manipulating you into staying by threatening suicide is a tactic....dont play that game....it is not right.it wotn work if you stay with that guy for sympathy...if you love him ...that will also become apparent with time........you will benefit by taking time out.......and then if it is that guy you love.......get him into professional help before he rips your life apart.deb

[JJ94]

what you should do is break it off from both, take your time on your own to make the right decision, to be with who you really care about,

 

 

decide if you are just doing it to be with someone,

 

 

go solo for a while, however long it takes for you to be 100 per cent sure of what you really need or want........

 

 

dont trail guys behind you waiting for a decision from you.......make a clean break

 

 

you arent in the right head space to make a choice...that is why you cant make it...if you dont take time out...you wont make the right choice because you are under duress.......

 

 

 

if you make a choice now....you will probably regret it........

 

 

when you are ready....it will be clear to you...what guy to choose.....it may be neither...

 

 

but you wont know that is possibly the best option for you...unless you give it time....be honest with the both of them.......manipulating you into staying by threatening suicide is a tactic....dont play that game....it is not right.it wotn work if you stay with that guy for sympathy...if you love him ...that will also become apparent with time........you will benefit by taking time out.......and then if it is that guy you love.......get him into professional help before he rips your life apart.deb

 

See, the thing is, I know WHICH guy I want. Guy 1, without a doubt. However, I do care about guy 2, not in a relationship way, but I do and I am scared he would hurt himself. I've brought this problem to his parents and they said they didn't know how to handle that.

[todreaminblue]

See, the thing is, I know WHICH guy I want. Guy 1, without a doubt. However, I do care about guy 2, not in a relationship way, but I do and I am scared he would hurt himself. I've brought this problem to his parents and they said they didn't know how to handle that.

 

 

ok...whether you care for guy two or not you owe it to him to be truthful......you are prolonging the pain......that he needs to heal from...if you feel he is a danger to himself or others....gauage this , talk to his family ....set up a support network that is strong and stable for him......you need to handle the situation carefully.......and you have to take responsibility too....you were and are part of this relationship and part of his life however uncomfortable it is......needs to be resolved.....

 

 

 

the best thing for you to do is contact a professional person who will give you strategies to deal with the break up....break up with this guy before getting into a relationship again with guy one...

 

 

this is really messy...i feel for you.......so clean up first.......for the benefit of all involved......its respectful to be honest...and sometimes honesty hurts.......but....it is now up to you to minimize the time that this situation is left unresolved.......i wish you the best...and i do feel for the guy that is clinging to you, honesty is easier to heal from in the long run...do not cheat and add to the time it takes for guy two to recover....it will jade him even further.....but i think you know that it needs to come to an end...one way or another.....you have to do it...and i think you need professional advice..i feel for you and i wish you the best...deb

[JJ94]

You need to break the wall of text into paragraphs.

You are hurting yourself by not doing this.

 

People simply are not going to read through a wall of text

to answer your question because they have better things

to do with their life.

 

 

There's actually 4 paragraphs or so. I'm sorry, I didn't realize we were in grade school and needed them double spaced.

[Minneloa]

There's actually 4 paragraphs or so. I'm sorry, I didn't realize we were in grade school and needed them double spaced.

 

Um, that second "paragraph" is a monster wall of text, and nearly impossible to get through. You can be snarky and defensive, but the truth is that you will get more readers and responders if you use clear and concise paragraphs.

[Simon Phoenix]

Dude, I think you need to break up your story into paragraphs. Double spaced with correct margins please.

[inaya42]

hmmm -- i am not exactly sure what advice you are seeking. it seems that you have already decided on a course of action. despite your worry for your current bf, you are not responsible for his emotional state post-BU. you are responsible for how you handle yourself as his current gf...

 

i think you should put the emotional affair with the ex on hold so that you can give the end of your current relationship the respect it deserves. when you break up with your current beau, do so in person and tell him the truth. tell him about your unhappiness in the relationship, about your wanting to try again with your ex, thank him for having loved you, wish him well, and tell him you will need NC to process the breakup and move on. do not use the usual dumper platitudes and excuses. telling him your real reasons closes the door respectfully and with finality. good luck.

[Delilah1623]

You don't want to be with guy #2 so end it. If he threatens to kill himself call the police.

[athousandquestions]

I say neither.

 

End things with #2 cause it sounds like you're in it so he won't kill himself. Yeah it's a hard position to be in but you need to end that because it's not healthy.

 

 

Wait a bit and do some serious thinking before contacting #1. Things didn't work out last time for a reason. Write down all the CONS of this guy. Commitment issues, you didn't like his mom, his job makes him travel a lot, etc.

 

Really think before you go back down that path.