Should I wait or move on?

[HateThisLimbo]

Okay...I've read down through a lot of the posts and they have helped but I am still not quite sure what to do. My boyfriend broke up with me two months ago. We had been dating for two years, lived together for the last year. We are both in our 40's. I was widowed three years ago after twenty five years of a happy marriage and he has been divorced for 13 years after a four year marriage. He swept me off of my feet. We basically did everything together, traveled, nice dinners, just everything. He told me that I was everything that he ever wanted and that I was the love of his life. Always treated me well and told me how happy he was. Our kids got along great...everything was good. He has a vacation house and talked about us moving down there in four or five years when the kids were out of college. He talked about when we have grand kids. He talked about the rest of our lives, including marriage.

 

About six months ago, I noticed a slight strain between us and brought it up. He reassured me that he just had a lot going on. I did also...I had bought a new house after my husband was killed in an accident and rented out my old house. So I had to go through all of our belongings, etc. Our holidays were a little rough... his kids went to their maternal grandparents. My family only came briefly because they had other places to go too. He owns his own business and had some stress related to that. But none of the strain, I felt was related to our relationship...just situational. We had a healthy sex life. I still felt like we were strong and in it for the long hall.

 

But in January, I asked again a few times if everything was okay. He said that he was struggling a little. I did not at all take it like he was going to break up. Life was pretty normal.

 

But, one day, after having sex then taking a nap, we started to talk and he said that we needed to take a break. He made it sound like it was gonna be for a month and then we would re evaluate where things were at. Two weeks later he came and got his clothes and toiletries. I tried giving him his space though I didn't do a great job at it...but basically he just cut me off completely. I sent him a few messages and went to his office a few times just because I couldn't stand it. When he initially left, I had no idea that there would be no contact. He did not give me any indication at all. He just said that he had a lot on his plate and just did not have energy for us.

 

Recently, he has called and txtd a few times. I have too. We've spent time together three times in the last three weeks at my suggestion. When we are together it feels like everything is fine. He says that he misses me, seems happy, and, yes, have great sex. Each time, he leads me to believe that we are going to take things slow and there is a possibility of us getting back together. But then I don't hear from him for several days.

 

His furniture is still at my house. I have stuff at his office and vacation house, etc. To me, it feels like two years since he moved out. He never lied or cheated. He says that he has so much on his plate that it only feels like two days.

 

It's just like he turned off a switch. And that's what I'm having such a hard time with. I did not see it coming at all and I can't comprehend how he can be head over heals with me and then all of the sudden not? To me when you love someone, it's unconditional. No relationship is perfect. There are always ups and downs...but you work through them together which is what I thought we were doing.

 

After reading the posts on here, I clearly should have handled him leaving differently. Didn't really beg but basically laid it all out there and kept trying to have contact. I have never heard anything about this no contact rule! AND, forgot to mention, that we both agreed not to see other people until we figured things out. So...now I'm to the point that, okay, I can do no contact if that's what he wants. Prior to the break up, we had some trips planned (thru June). Again, his furniture is still at my house, pictures of us are still up all over the house...

 

My heart is telling me that it's going to work out but I am really starting to question it. Should I wait it out or move on?

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[Lostint]

Sorry to hear your story.

 

Do you mind me asking - what has your ex got on his plate that makes it so difficult for him right now? It sounds like he hasn't given you much to go on. Maybe you could get him to open up a bit more and be honest? A lot of the time people won't tell you the truth because they don't want to hurt you, but what they don't realize is that not knowing is much worse. He's got you hanging on wondering whether there is still any hope, he needs to let you know, it's not fair to do this to you.

[HateThisLimbo]

I'm sorry...I didn't see your reply until now. During our whole relationship he devoted all of his time to me. I was fine with it but it was not at my insistence. He should have spent more one on one time with his kids, spent more time on his business, etc. Now, he is overwhelmed and, instead of working together, he has put me on the back burner. You can hear the stress in his voice and see it in his face. I just think that this is the way that he is dealing with it.

[HateThisLimbo]

Have you ever had a situation that goes something like this?: You meet someone and it feels like the stars align. This person is so into you and lavishes you with attention, romance and gifts. The relationship moves very quickly and it feels like you have met “the one.” Months down the road when things have settled in comfortably, things start to change. The person who used to adore and worship you now fluctuates between needing you desperately and devaluing you. Perhaps as time goes on, the person who you thought cared so much becomes more emotionally unavailable, distant and cruel. The “Jekyll” part of the personality starts to overtake the “Hyde.” How did this person who used to be so wonderful and made such an effort to be with you all of the sudden turn out to be so opposite than what you thought? This can leave someone confused, hurt, angry and depressed. If this situation sounds similar to something you have experienced, you may be or may have dated someone with narcissistic tendencies. Here are some of the warning signs:

1. They are madly in love with you right off the bat and the relationship moves very quickly: People with narcissistic tendencies use fantasy like projections when picking a mate. Usually it takes a certain amount of time to fall in love with someone. Sure, you can feel chemistry and a connection with someone but to fall in love with who a person truly is (flaws and all) takes some time. A person with narcissistic tendencies loves the intense feelings and the attention. Sadly, their intense interest in you is more so about them and their needs than it is about you.

2. They fluctuate between adoring you and devaluing you: People with narcissistic tendencies are very hot and cold. They can be mean and critical one second and then sweet and loving the next. This becomes very confusing because you are still seeing glimpses of the wonderful person you first fell in love with but you are also getting to see another side that makes you feel bad about yourself.

3. They have little ability to empathize and everything is on their terms: Someone with narcissistic tendencies doesn’t really see things from your world or from your point of view. Everything is about them and what they want. They ignore your needs in the relationship and only focus on getting what they want or what works best for them. They will always be their number one priority and everyone else will always come after that.

4. They cheat, lie or manipulate and don’t feel remorse: Narcissists don’t really empathize so when they do something to hurt you, they don’t really feel remorseful. This can actually be the most hurtful part because it may make you feel like they never cared about you at all. Moving on can be very hard because a lot of people feel that they need closure or apologies that they will never get from narcissistic people.

5. When it’s all over, it’s like you never mattered: A classic case narcissist mostly uses people for their own gain and has very little emotional connection to those that are in their lives. Because of this, they discard people in their lives very easily. I recently watched an episode of the new HBO show Girls and in this particular episode, one of the characters who had broken up with her serious long-term boyfriend 2 weeks prior now finds he already has a new girlfriend. Shocked that he could move on so quickly from something so serious she exclaims. “you’re a sociopath!!” and walks away. Even though she was the one who broke up with him, she is shocked that it feels like their relationship meant nothing to him at the end of the day and that she was easily replaceable. People recovering from narcissistic relationships are often in shock that someone who once claimed to love them so much has moved on so quickly and without any sense of remorse.

How to spot a narcissist: I always tell my clients to take the time to really get to know the people they are dating before getting too emotionally invested or putting all their eggs in one basket. There are definitely fairy tale stories out there of two people falling madly in love with each other right at the get go and spending their lives happily ever after, but that is generally not the norm. Keep your guard up the more intensely the person is into you and the earlier on it occurs. Past relationship patterns are also very important to look at. As mentioned above, people who are narcissistic are intense very quickly and end up leaving a trail of shattered relationships and people who are left to pick up the pieces (and often need quite a bit of therapy after being in the destructive path of a narcissist). If you get an idea of the dating history of someone and it follows a certain pattern, pay attention to that. Yes, people can change, but past relationship patterns can raise a lot of red flags. The reason people have a hard time of extricating themselves from a narcissistic relationship is because it is hard to get past the fact that someone who used to be so wonderful and loving can turn so cold, hateful and lacking in remorse. These people hang on because of the glimpses they get of the good side and hold out the hope that if they were only “good enough” or “better”, or unconditionally accepted and loved this person then they could get the nice and kind person back. It turns into a vicious cycle and the more you get into a relationship, the harder it is to get out of. Being in a relationship with a narcissist will make you feel crazy and most narcissists actually don’t actively leave relationships; they wait to be left first. It can be really hard to get out of a relationship like this and if you have never been in one, it’s hard to know how. If someone makes you feel worthless or crazy and you know they are not treating you with respect, or empathizing with you, that might be hard to change. Learning to spot negative patterns early and having the strength to know what you deserve in a relationship is one of the best things to do if you find yourself involved with one of these people.

Recovery after a narcissistic relationship: Recovery after a narcissistic relationship can be very difficult. Many people are driven to therapy because they have been left completely shattered and fragile after a relationship with a narcissist. The most important thing to remember is that it’s not about YOU. This has everything to do with the flaws of the narcissist and their inability to make real, meaningful connections with others. What they have done to you is what they have done and will continue to do in all their relationships unless they recognize this within themselves and get help. The problem is, most narcissistic people never recognize that they need to change. Remember that you deserve a relationship that builds you up, that makes you feel safe, and that brings you happiness and warmth. A person who is narcissistic cannot give this to you, simply because they are not capable of it.