Mutual friend wants to talk sense into my ex. Bad idea?

[Javabear]

I don't want to go too much in detail about my breakup because I've already written lots of threads about it, but the gist is this: We're 22 years old, this was the first serious relationship for both of us (he never dated anyone before me, I had a few boyfriends in high school), we were together for the first 3 years of college and he broke up with me 4 months ago claiming to have feelings for someone else. I suspect there were other underlying factors and I know my behavior contributed to the breakup.

 

Anyway... 4 months out and we've talked a little bit and ran into each other a few times at school and have pleasant interactions. As far as I know, he is not dating the new girl because despite telling her how he felt about her, she apparently wasn't interested. They are good friends though and they talk all the time They also work together. I've been doing a ton of soul-searching and self-improvement, seen a therapist and have gotten my life back on track. But I miss him and I'm still very much in love with him. I would eventually like to start a new relationship with him because we had no fundamental flaws. We're just young and inexperienced but we worked so well together. I have no idea how he feels about this though.

 

All of our mutual friends were completely shocked and appalled when he ended things. No one would have guessed it would happen but as devastating as it was, I'm grateful that he gave me the opportunity to find myself because I was lost in our relationship.

 

One of our mutual friends came to me the other day and asked if I wanted her to talk to my ex. She wants to tell him what an idiot he was for letting me go. As much as I would love to have him back in my life right now, I feel that he still needs more time. I told her that I want to get to at least six months and see how things are at that point. I have already decided though that if nothing changes after 10 months and I still feel the way I do right now, I'm going to say something. He's the one I want to be with and I'm not giving up without a fight.

 

I guess my question is: is it a bad idea for mutual friends to talk to an ex? He's a very stubborn person who pushes bad feelings far away and I worry that even if he missed me and wanted to reach out, he'd have too much pride or fear to do so. Perhaps if he had a little nudging from a trusted friend, it might awaken something in him? I just don't want him to feel manipulated or forced.

[Hopeful79]

Hey there,

I know how much it hurts, especially with this being your first serious relationship. I have gone through many heartbreaks (my more current one however is the most significant and hardest to deal with). I wouldn't have a friend talk to him, EVER. If he wants to rekindle a flame that was there then he will. Don't chase after him. I know you are saying you'll give it 10 mos. and then speak to him yourself...but why? This means you'll just pine after him and wait for another 5 mos? Don't do that. Move on...let him go. Try to avoid contact with him if it's too hard to just be friends - and to be honest I am learning the hard way that yes...it is way too hard to "JUST" be friends when you still love someone. Live your life. You are only 22 - don't waste any time on a relationship that didn't work. Don't blame it for failing due to lack of experience, being young, etc...if it is meant to happen one day it will. Don't force it and don't wait for it. Stay strong...and move on.

[Simon Phoenix]

I'd advise against it as well. At the very least, try to dissuade your friend from doing it. In my last situation, I was dating the sister-in-law of my best friend, which made the break more awkward than normal. I'm friends with my ex's older sister, but there is no way in hell I'm talking to her about my ex, much less asking her to speak on my behalf. Just a bad move all around. My friend probably would speak to my ex (he thinks she's dumb for not being with me) if it wasn't for his wife, but I wouldn't ask him to do that. Just not a fair position to put him in. I don't ask for inside information either, though some does trickle down occasionally.

[Almond_Joy]

Do not let your friends involve themselves with your love life. You go to them for advice, and they should feel free to give it, but only when you ask for it and only to you.

 

This relationship was between you and your ex ONLY. It is only up to you two to decide whether to try again. Honestly I don't see that there's anything a friend can say or do that would help this situation.

 

Kudos to you on the personal development and I hope you two can make another successful attempt in the future.

[0hpenelope]

One of our mutual friends came to me the other day and asked if I wanted her to talk to my ex. She wants to tell him what an idiot he was for letting me go.

 

Nope. Even if they think he's an idiot and if they're correct, -as painful as this reads and I don't mean to rub salt on open wounds, OP - he decided that the break up was the right decision for himself. No one likes being told "You're wrong, you're dumb for this, that was a stupid thing to do," about a decision they personally feel is right for them. If that friend is a good friend to him too, she'll support him. Things don't register this way to you currently, but if I were his friend, that will be my attitude. He freed you from hurts he may cause you because he wasn't ready/he's freaking out/whatever his reasons are and yes, it is his loss for letting you go. "Hey. Fine, you decided to break up with Javabear and perhaps this is the 'nicest' thing you can do for her. If you're not ready, you will hurt her more by lying that things are great, fine, when they're really not. But seriously, f*** you for hurting her. She's my friend too and f*** you for hurting her and you're a coward for not wanting to work things out. You can change girlfriends, but you will have problems with every single one of them."

 

There's a different dynamic when it's mutual friends and it sucks. I've had to do this for friends of mine who divorced and it is difficult, especially in the beginning of the divorce. I'd like to say that I've done my best to accommodate both parties, because I have managed to keep my close friendships w/ them. I was only a bystander, but it was heartbreaking to watch the dissolution of a marriage that I thought was going to last. As a friend, my opinion really doesn't matter in the long run because the decisions and the actions still belong to my friends. Even if their decisions get them in bad places, it was their choice to make. I disagree with some of what they've said and done, but I ask myself "What do I really know?! They're the only ones who really know!" so I just listen to them and ask questions where I can and don't tell the other party anything unless they ask me about the ex (standard "How is he/she?" stuff). Then I decide if I want to answer that question.

 

Anyway, you have a good approach on things, OP. Give him a lot of space and keep yourself busy. Those 10 months will be up faster than you think and as you acknowledged, if you still feel the way you do at the moment, you'll bring it up. Sort out your headspace and your feelings. Maybe you might need longer than 10 months for yourself, too. Take your time. Good luck.

Edited February 1, 2013 by 0hpenelope

[Javabear]

Thanks for all the advice everyone. I know it's a bad idea to get friends involved and this breakup WAS the right decision for him because he absolutely needs time for himself. It's just tempting when there's someone who wants to make my pain go away to let them try to help, but I know it won't do any good. I had a very, very weak day today... first time I've really lost control and cried in quite a while... but keeping strong and going on is just about all I can do now.