18 months later, my ex wants to meet. Conflicted thoughts...

[sj3000]

My ex broke up with me 18 months ago. I was devastated. It was the first and only time I've ever been in love and I would have done anything for him - I would have taken a bullet.

 

On the weekend he sent me a message on Facebook. He said he tries to blank it out but he can't get me out of his head. He thinks he really screwed up, that what we had was real and he hasn't had anything remotely like it ever since. He wants to meet up.

 

He's messaged me a couple of times before. First, a month after we broke up to see how I was. The second, several months later, wondering if we would ever catch up again. I ignored them. The third was after I had seen him out one night and avoided him, and I replied to say I wasn't ready to talk to him.

 

I'm torn. I used to dream about hearing this from him - that he had made a mistake. A year ago I would have been ecstatic... but now, I'm not so sure. I feel older and wiser. I guess I've accepted that I'll never *truly* be over him, he left his mark. But the scar has healed and I'm at a place now where I can live with that, live my life and look to the future. I've also accepted that I'll probably never be able to be friends with him, either...

 

I've turned to a couple of friends for advice. Friend A said to be cautious, but leaned towards doing nothing about it. Friend B, a romantic, said to give him another chance. Friend C said not to bite, to leave it and see if he messages again, to make sure he hasn't messaged because he might feel down right now or something (ie. maybe he's going through a break up).

 

So I just don't know... I really can't let myself be hurt again. But then the fact is, he was the love of my life... Do I listen to my head, be strong and just say "No"? Do I even reply...? I don't know how to feel about it, or what to think.

[iouaname]

Give it some time before you make the decision to respond. Take the time to run through the scenarios of how you'll feel. You never know what will happen and you never know where this will lead, so it's best to try to have a calm head about it and just take some time to think it through.

 

Is there even a chance that this could be genuine or was it too bad a break up to recover from?

[incandescent]

i think you should do what you feel is best.. it has been one and a half years since the breakup... i suppose it depends on how the break-up happen... like if it was cheating, or if was over a stupid argument... it really depends. but if you feel that you are ready and can go and just talk to him, go for it. if your not ready, don't.

[Minadee]

You can meet and see how you'd feel? If not, I think you'd always feel like "what if?" You don't have to do anything, or proceed with any further dates if you feel like you can't handle.

[TaraMaiden]

In the battle between 'heart' and 'Heads' - always go with the head.

 

If really, you feel you've moved on, and don't believe that there is anything you really want to devote time to - then say so.

 

I think what it is, is sympathy for him.

You feel sad that actually, although you were the one to initially suffer when he dumped you - you've made a far better recovery than he has - and you feel sympathetic.

Almost as if out of pity, you owe him a second chance....

 

Well - you don't.

It's been a long time, life goes on, and people 'evolve'. You've grown and matured - he's stayed relatively stuck where he was.

That unfortunately was his decision. And his look-out.

He may well regret it, but he can't undo the past, and if he made a mistake, that's his problem.

It really is.

 

I don't know how old you guys are, or what the reason was for his breaking up with you, but it's over.

And done.

Don't drag this out.

Don't meet him out of empathy, sympathy, pity or the desire to make him feel better.

If you're not sure - then I really don't think it's a good thing to explore.

If you had no qualms, and were delighted to consider it and excited at the prospect - then it all might be good and pan out beautifully.

 

But when in doubt?

Don't.

[sj3000]

Thank you very much for the replies.

 

I woke up thinking about it, which I hate... it's been quite a while since he's been on my mind so much.

 

He broke up with me because he decided he wasn't in love with me anymore. Of course, it wasn't an overnight decision - but the process was drawn out over a month and I was going pretty nuts (you know, knowing something is wrong when the other person insists everything is fine will do that to you). I guess that's why it took so long to get over it.

 

I guess I need to take a bit more time - there's no rush in thinking it through, and I need to examine all my options. It's just so frustrating - this internal battle between the heart and the head. I'm usually such a logical, rational person.

[RespectfullyAlone]

I'd kill to be in this situation as I have actually thought a little of what I'd do, IF I got the chance.

 

I would tell him you need a month to think about things. If he's still serious, still feels he's made a huge mistake by leaving you the first time, then this will be his opportunity to show it. If he is still keen to meet after a month, then at least you know he might be a little more genuine, than if he just sent you a txt out of the blue saying hey let's meet up and you jumped at the chance.

[Sugarkane]

Why does he want a recon if he fell out of love? Is he just lonely and dateless? This is possible. If this was a dumper contacting 18 months later we would be laughed at and called desperate by them. Has your ex changed at all? Or will the ex get bored again?

Edited January 30, 2013 by Sugarkane

[D-Lish]

I had something similar happen. When my ex dumped me, I didn't think I'd ever hear from him ever again. He wasn't the type of guy to come crawling back or express any sort of real emotion. Many months after we broke up, he contacted me out of the blue and said he wanted to meet. Within a couple of hours, he was at my place.

 

I got closure out of it, closure I didn't get from the break up. We decided not to get back together- but we've now become friends.

 

At the time, it really set me back. It's going on two years now, and we meet up as friends once and a while. I met him for breakfast about a month ago and we talked about him getting dumped, and me starting to see someone new. I never thought I'd get to that place with someone I once loved so deeply.

 

My point is, you do get over people eventually- even to the point where seeing them doesn't hurt at all.

 

Do be prepared to have a massive setback if you decide to meet him. You might meet him and be reminded why you weren't compatible- or you might meet him and everything will fall into place.

 

If you have any questions at all- meeting is worth it.

[sj3000]

I ended up replying and we've swapped a few messages, which has shed more light on the situation. He does want to give it another shot. I reminded him of his reason for breaking up with me and he had a different story, saying it was because of stupid "little things" that he didn't know how to discuss and resolve (little problems were news to me when I thought things were perfect - hence why the break up was so brutal for me). He says he's changed now, more mature, and wishes things could have gone differently.

 

Sugarkane - I've had the exact same thought. He might be going through a rough time, and now he's looking back and realising what we had, "reminiscing". I told him he might miss what we had, but he doesn't miss me (if he did fall out of love). And this is my fear - if we met, he'd realise that his feelings aren't there for me, and I've opened myself up to more hurt... I don't know if I'm strong enough for that.

 

D-Lish - I know what you mean and I haven't even seen him in person... Already my mind is swirling every hour with so many questions, I feel like I've taken 100 steps back... God knows how bad it will be if we do meet...

 

But I think I'm going to take RespectfullyAlone's advice. Tell him I need to think about it for a while, and give him the opportunity to do so as well. If after a month he's still keen... maybe it's a sign. And by then I will be more emotionally prepared.

 

Thank you all so much for your advice.

[Indio Negrito]

If you truly loved him, give it another shot...

 

People do grow, learning from mistakes and the compassion you show will affect him and those around you in a 'positive' way.

 

I dont know if you guys have ever read about one of our greatest Presidents, Theodore Roosevelt, but he had made some extremely inspirational quotes in his lifetime and one that resonates with me in life, business and love is this one:

 

“Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure, than to take rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in the gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat.”

 

My two cents...

 

God bless.

[Asda]

Which way you separated? was he abusive? Time is nothing compare to eternity. Start slowly with him,very slowly, talk, then go out, look at his personality,observe and follow your heart, forget about your friends,forget about our advices.Listen to YOUR HEART. I wish 2 of you to be together as a perfect couple, but do it right way.God Bless.

[meeji]

Thank you very much for the replies.

 

I woke up thinking about it, which I hate... it's been quite a while since he's been on my mind so much.

 

He broke up with me because he decided he wasn't in love with me anymore. Of course, it wasn't an overnight decision - but the process was drawn out over a month and I was going pretty nuts (you know, knowing something is wrong when the other person insists everything is fine will do that to you). I guess that's why it took so long to get over it.

 

I guess I need to take a bit more time - there's no rush in thinking it through, and I need to examine all my options. It's just so frustrating - this internal battle between the heart and the head. I'm usually such a logical, rational person.

 

I took out two sheets of paper.

1. had all the reasons why I shouldn't go back

2. had all the reasons why I should go back.

 

I took about 3 days to get the lists together and then I put them on the wall. It helps to physically see the difference between the two options. One one page is full and the other is empty in comparison, it makes it much easier to rationalize the best option.

 

Maybe it will help you.

[TaraMaiden]

Which way you separated? was he abusive? Time is nothing compare to eternity. Start slowly with him,very slowly, talk, then go out, look at his personality,observe and follow your heart, forget about your friends,forget about our advices.Listen to YOUR HEART. I wish 2 of you to be together as a perfect couple, but do it right way.God Bless.

 

I hate to say it, but the worst thing you could ever, EVER do - is to listen to, and follow your heart.

That's what got you into this mess in the first place.

 

You actually need to lay your emotional reasoning aside for the present, and focus on the logical rationale and the consequence of any actions you might wish to take.

 

meej's idea is a very good one: be brutally frank, honest and do not mince words, find excuses, make allowances.

Do that exercise, and then see why the hell you should make any move towards your ex-.

 

Ask:

What good will this do me?

 

But your heart?

All you need, with your heart, is that it keep beating.

[Amelie1980]

How long were you together? Why did you break up?

[eduardo23]

I'd kill to be in this situation as I have actually thought a little of what I'd do, IF I got the chance.

 

I would tell him you need a month to think about things. If he's still serious, still feels he's made a huge mistake by leaving you the first time, then this will be his opportunity to show it. If he is still keen to meet after a month, then at least you know he might be a little more genuine, than if he just sent you a txt out of the blue saying hey let's meet up and you jumped at the chance.

 

 

I like this idea, even better is to say you are busy this month and maybe next month. If he puts forth initiative and think you two are compatible and have fixed the issues that caused the initial breakup then you could at least meet up with him. Only talk with him as well.