Long term relationship, recently separated want to get back together

[Regal Beagal]

My story; there is a lot of history so pardon me for being brief.

We were together 14 years. We had problems and got counseling for about 2 years. 2 months ago she wanted to separate as our roommate was leaving and we weren't going to be able to afford our rental anymore. I asked her not to separate. She said she needed to find out who she is. She went to live at her Moms (also to save money to pay off a credit card).i went home to my parents.

After a few weeks of limited contact and a tough Xmas, I asked her about the separation and what the point was (ie to eventually break up, to figure things out, etc). She said she needed time and didn't know who she was,to find her identity. I told her "then it's over".I wanted her to say that she wanted me. She said she was choosing herself first for a change.

It's been a week and few days since then. She asked me the same night if I wanted to go to the gym with her and her sis. I broke down when I got in the car and left. I've been going through all the depression etc, and wish I wouldn't have ended it. I want to work on myself and get back together. She stated during the separation that she "wanted us" but not the "broken us".

I get that now and want the same thing.

I think I need to mourn the old relationship and let things go before I can move on with her.

Sat night I went over to get my half the deposit and visit (it was agreed on mutually) and we talked about feelings and I empathized with her.

I miss her and don't want to lose her again.

What do I do?

[HARPER100]

You need to establish what you both want and decide whether the issues that caused the break up in first place can be fixed.

 

Make sure she knows how you feel and what you want in the future. Give her some time and see what happens.

[Regal Beagal]

For the last year we have been trying to work things out. She says she has no immediate plans to have kids, I want kids. Finances have been a mess since our foreclosure 3 years ago. I am starting my own business now. She is looking into new careers. Sex stopped last Feb. She has space for the first time ever.

She wants to remain friends and have contact, go to the movies, etc but doesn't want to be in a relationship, doesn't feel that she can be till she figures herself out.

I want to be with her and move towards marriage one day. Crazy I know.

[Empath]

Same thing happened to me, I decided to stick to the "then it's over" line when she was incapable of removing her foot from the door (unending desire for space e.t.c). It was like tearing a limb off, the last thing I wanted to be sure about was never hearing from her again, and yet I was uncharacteristically firm -- and stuck to it.

 

The idea of being platonic chums after such a long, close and intimate relationship scared me more than calling it off. I wanted to be remembered as both a friend and a lover, not solely as a shoulder -- to eventually watch her fall head over heels for someone else while I thrashed and screamed under the pretence of platonic friendship.

 

I don't regret my decision. And yes, we do still keep in terse yet caring contact now and then. Two full years later I have no regrets.

 

EDIT: Whoops looks like I don't stay on topic, sorry for the rant. With regards to reconciliation: I wouldn't accustom myself to being a friend. Unless of course you feel that you are wholeheartedly willing to accept that -- which I doubt. I feel your best bet is to take a siesta yourself.

 

I think I need to mourn the old relationship and let things go before I can move on with her.

 

I agree with you. But don't wait around for the feelings to numb. Don't take time off to mourn, let it occur impulsively instead, take some time off to improve your life. Once your feelings towards her feel more like a want, and less like a need I feel is a good time to open some fledgling lines of communication (usually a few months down the line). I would strongly urge against becoming "friends", it will bite you in the posterior down the line. Maintain contact, be there for her if she really, really, needs it, but do put your life thoroughly in the pilot's seat. I often feel that real reconciliation happens when you fall in love again, from scratch. Give it some time.

Edited January 16, 2013 by Empath