moveONorStay Posted October 7, 2012 Share Posted October 7, 2012 Everyone here advises NC as a way to get over relationships...however, since this section of the site is about reconciliation and second chances...how can you possibly work things out with no contact? Surely the lines of communication must open some time if 2 people are ever going to have any chance of fixing things?? So, who is it that breaks the NC? Without contact there will never be reconciliation! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
mpa Posted October 7, 2012 Share Posted October 7, 2012 This is what I think - I haven't contacted my ex because he ended things with me and I know if I get in touch, I won't get the response I'm looking for. And clearly, he hasn't contacted me either, so he's not wanting to reconcile. Any contact right now would just be hurtful. I'm using NC to get over the whole thing. Ideally, he would re-appear exactly as I want him to be and everything would be perfect, but I'm not waiting around for that to happen. I think, as scary as it is to leave it behind, you have to. You have to move on, on your own, and get on with your life without your ex. IF in the future you run into each other or the ex re-appears magically fixed, then reconciliation can happen if you want it to. Just because my ex isn't in my life right now and we don't talk doesn't mean that will always be the case. As long as both of us are still alive, it's possible. In the mean time, I want nothing to do with him while I'm healing - otherwise he would just be toying with my emotions. And I actually appreciate that he isn't checking in or trying to talk to me. I had a falling out with my best friend 3 years ago. I was over the friendship, wanted nothing to do with him. Cut him out of my life. Last year we were both at a wedding for a mutual friend and I sat down with him and we caught up a bit. It had been two years since we spoke, and it felt nice to talk to him. Since then things have been good between us. We're nowhere near where we were before, but we talk sometimes and get together for lunch or dinner every few months (we live in totally different cities, so it's only when I'm visiting my family near him that I see him). This experience has taught me that anything is salvageable if you want it to be, no matter how much time has gone by. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
TopCat22 Posted October 7, 2012 Share Posted October 7, 2012 Well the theory is simple. NC makes them miss you. It makes them see what life is like without you. Suddenly they are lonely and they will miss all the things they had with you. You become unavailable to them and we all want things we can't have, things we have to work hard to get. Whilst that is more or less true to a degree, it also doesn't really work all the time. The trouble is, if it makes them see what life is like without you, they may actually like it. If it was becoming hard going with you then suddenly they are free. Free from you and free to do whatever they like. That includes seeing new people and that is exciting. NC doesn't help you reconcile, it may help in getting your ex to miss you and think about you again. From there, yes you've got to have communication if you're going to get back together. It's only the first step to a reconciliation and it's not really an effective tool, no matter what the "experts" tell you. Link to post Share on other sites
thembones Posted October 7, 2012 Share Posted October 7, 2012 Well the theory is simple. NC makes them miss you. It makes them see what life is like without you. Suddenly they are lonely and they will miss all the things they had with you. You become unavailable to them and we all want things we can't have, things we have to work hard to get. Whilst that is more or less true to a degree, it also doesn't really work all the time. The trouble is, if it makes them see what life is like without you, they may actually like it. If it was becoming hard going with you then suddenly they are free. Free from you and free to do whatever they like. That includes seeing new people and that is exciting. NC doesn't help you reconcile, it may help in getting your ex to miss you and think about you again. From there, yes you've got to have communication if you're going to get back together. It's only the first step to a reconciliation and it's not really an effective tool, no matter what the "experts" tell you. I thought that maybe my ex would start to miss me after 2 months, most of which have been NC. I think your second paragraph summarizes more what is going on though. She is going on all these trips, doing well in her job, and hanging out with her bitch friends more. These are essentially things that I "held her back" from doing. I told her she could do whatever she wanted, but I think she felt bad doing them without me. I am far from an expert on anything, but if I tried to contact her now, I know I would NOT get the response I am looking for. I am just trying to move on from a woman who is not who I once thought she was. I guess that is the best way to move on or reconcile. It is really the only option, unless you want to put yourself through more pain and suffering. Vacate yourself from their life and let the see that the grass IS/IS NOT always greener on the other side. It is not your decision, as the dumpee. Link to post Share on other sites
eleve82 Posted October 8, 2012 Share Posted October 8, 2012 I read this line before and I think pretty much sums it up "if your ex wasn't afraid of losing you by breaking up with you, your ex isn't likely to be afraid of losing you by NC". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TopCat22 Posted October 8, 2012 Share Posted October 8, 2012 Fear of loss is the key to it. If they fear they are really losing you they will chase to get you back. Now is that really the reason you'd like them to come chasing after you? Because they are afraid? If they are going to come back and rebuild something it should be because they still love and care for you. This is the flaw in the NC to get someone back plan. It may well bring them back towards you, but it won't make them feel things for you again. More likely once they see they still have you they'll retreat again. Try it again and they won't believe you, like the boy who cried wolf. There is no magic formula to getting an ex back. Sometimes they will come back realising they made a mistake, often they won't. all you can do is move on and see how you feel if they ever do come back wanting a reconciliation. Link to post Share on other sites
andrew-bkk Posted October 8, 2012 Share Posted October 8, 2012 Fear of loss is the key to it. If they fear they are really losing you they will chase to get you back. Now is that really the reason you'd like them to come chasing after you? Because they are afraid? If they are going to come back and rebuild something it should be because they still love and care for you. This is the flaw in the NC to get someone back plan. It may well bring them back towards you, but it won't make them feel things for you again. More likely once they see they still have you they'll retreat again. Try it again and they won't believe you, like the boy who cried wolf. There is no magic formula to getting an ex back. Sometimes they will come back realising they made a mistake, often they won't. all you can do is move on and see how you feel if they ever do come back wanting a reconciliation. Good post. But once you've moved on, you won't even think about the ex. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ponette Posted October 9, 2012 Share Posted October 9, 2012 [ People here are pretty dead set on seeing the demise of pretty much every relationship that ends up being discussed (if you're on these forums, it simply must be because it's over and you're doomed! ), so you'll probably see/hear a lot of the same things I've been, but honestly I think some of it is just good old-fashioned schadenfreude. schadenfreude for sure. thanks for posting. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
not-a-drive-by Posted October 9, 2012 Share Posted October 9, 2012 [ People here are pretty dead set on seeing the demise of pretty much every relationship that ends up being discussed (if you're on these forums, it simply must be because it's over and you're doomed! ), so you'll probably see/hear a lot of the same things I've been, but honestly I think some of it is just good old-fashioned schadenfreude. schadenfreude for sure. thanks for posting. I agree with you. So much doom and gloom here that sometimes I need to take a break from this board. Recently one of the fellow posters left because of this reason. I especially hate the 'walking billboards' and "ex is an ex for a reason". It almost seems like there is no reason to discuss or post anything up, because you will get the NC link straight away. BAM! "Refer to this NC guide...". Why not just put in neon coloured flashing text above this board "The only answer is NC. Refer to the guide and don't post". I'd probably be stoned for saying that. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ashtree-house Posted October 9, 2012 Share Posted October 9, 2012 (edited) I recently stumbled on this website (I'll post the link below) which discusses the importance of contact while trying to reconcile. The coach often talks about taking a "break" after the break-up, probably a month or so of strict NC, to let emotions and tempers settle. I have often heard that NC is used to get over an ex permanently, but it can be used to let the dust settle and heal before reconciling, but should not be the only strategy used in trying to get an ex lover back. Anyways, the articles on this website explore the importance of QUALITY contact vs. quantity, and making sure you dial back your expectations and are in control of your emotions. It's a fairly good read, and I agree with most of her advice. I'm doing NC for the purpose of getting over my ex, as he made it clear to me that he wasn't ever going to change his mind. However, the knowledge gained on this website is great for future relationships. Toronto Love Doctor Read some of the other articles, she has some pretty good tips on HOW to re-connect with an ex with contact. Edited October 9, 2012 by ashtree-house 1 Link to post Share on other sites
flitzanu Posted October 9, 2012 Share Posted October 9, 2012 Everyone here advises NC as a way to get over relationships...however, since this section of the site is about reconciliation and second chances...how can you possibly work things out with no contact? Surely the lines of communication must open some time if 2 people are ever going to have any chance of fixing things?? So, who is it that breaks the NC? Without contact there will never be reconciliation! the person that is in NC is the only one able to break NC. you're confused as to what NC is. if you got dumped, you don't talk to your ex or communicate in any fashion...that is NC. if your ex that dumped you isn't talking to you, your ex is not "in NC" they simply don't want to talk to you. if you believe that NC is going to evoke some reaction, then you're not accepting the idea of being broken up and that they don't want to speak to you. if your ex wants to reconcile, they can very easily tell you that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Jack32 Posted October 9, 2012 Share Posted October 9, 2012 Perhaps all of us would be able to help you more if you gave us some details about your relationship and ex. It would certainly make it easier to discuss the whole NC thing and give advise on what you should do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author moveONorStay Posted October 10, 2012 Author Share Posted October 10, 2012 I think that it just goes to show that love really is a bit of a game! I think the more messed up the person you break up with is, the more messed up your own head gets when you try to figure out or decipher their thoughts or actions. The biggest lessons I've come to realize for the future are that if I see red flags early or instinct is telling me something isn't right...I'll run sooner Link to post Share on other sites
NavyAirTraffic Posted October 10, 2012 Share Posted October 10, 2012 The biggest lessons I've come to realize for the future are that if I see red flags early or instinct is telling me something isn't right...I'll run sooner Priceless information!!! I thought "everything was perfect" "she dumped me out of nowhere". In reality you become blinded by the red flags because of your love, and only after the relationship you start putting the pieces to the puzzle together. Man I wish I could go back in time and tell the old me what's up. Link to post Share on other sites
PlanB123 Posted October 10, 2012 Share Posted October 10, 2012 (edited) Even the pick up artist school of thought advocates a period of NC. Basically you gotta move back into 'abundance' with girls rather than being in 'scarcity' -- which is what you are in right now. the idea is that once you have gone out and got more girls who are as hot or hotter than your ex--only then can you return to her with all that neediness gone and be an attractive man again. the irony is, once you are actually at a point where you may just have a shot of getting her back--you probably won't even want her any more. Personally, i am in a bit of a weird spot because i am experiencing all of the feelings of loss that other dumpees are feeling even though i don't actually want my ex back--logically. so i am just going nc to heal. i think its important to realize, after you have read that post, that it's also pretty likely that your ex just won't want you back. her heart will move on and she will find someone that she believes to be a better match and more compatible and who she doesn't have the history of arguments and a break up with. having said that...you asked if there was anything else you can do other than nc to give a shot. for us guys, this is it. Edited October 10, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Removed commercial link 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PlanB123 Posted October 10, 2012 Share Posted October 10, 2012 it wouldn't let me post the link to that post. sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
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