aanderson088 Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 I am an ex cheater. I deleted phone numbers, deleted facebook, stopped drinking, I've been in counseling for a few months and will continue to go, and I started going to church. When girls text me I tell them that I want to rebuild trust with my ex and so I won't speak to them. I'm glad to remove these pointless relationships, honestly. My ex wants to go NC and is seeing someone else. She started seeing him about a week after she left me. I took screenshots of these texts where I told these girls I wanted nothing to do with them. In case she comes back, I wanted to be able to show to her that I was not seeing any other girls while she was gone, none have texted me in a week or more and I haven't contacted them. If your cheating boyfriend, girlfriend, or spouse did that - would you want to see? She told me she wants to see actions but how can I do that if there is NC? Link to post Share on other sites
yessy21 Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 I dont blame her. you have been Bad. Eventually she will come around just to be curious and she will notice. just keep going to counseling and ect... Link to post Share on other sites
Author aanderson088 Posted August 31, 2012 Author Share Posted August 31, 2012 ****... I thought it was a good idea so I emailed her the screenshots. I said: "I know you don't want to talk and you don't need to reply but I'm showing you this so that you can see a little something. None of them have texted me since and I haven't texted any of them. I hope you're doing well _______." I was hasty so now I'll deal with the consequences. If she says she never wants to speak to me again, then at least I won't be in limbo anymore... I hope she doesn't though. Link to post Share on other sites
Mariana345 Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 First of all, as you already did, some proof that he is not seeing, contacting and made clear that he wants a RS JUST with me. So you did well in this spot. Set boundaries from now on. Now... you have to rebuild trust, that she can not have right now and she want to forget about you as she is seeing someone else already, and is totally understandable so, first of all you have to stay in NC for a while, because she asked you that and you have to respect it. From a dumpee that has been left for someone else I can tell you that I would like him to meet me, ask for forgiveness, tell me that he made a mistake and that it would never ever happen again and actually beg me for coming back. But to be frank, I think I won't forgive him... I could make him pass through many test and made him leave his job and some friends (as they take part in the affair) but that is just the revengeful me... Link to post Share on other sites
Author aanderson088 Posted August 31, 2012 Author Share Posted August 31, 2012 *First of all, as you already did, some proof that he is not seeing, contacting and made clear that he wants a RS JUST with me.* you have to rebuild trust, *that she can not have right now and she want to forget about you as she is seeing someone else already,* and is totally understandable so, first of all you have to stay in NC for a while, because she asked you that and you have to respect it. I'm sorry Mariana, I had a hard time understanding what you meant. Could you reword some it? I put the parts I didn't understand in asterix. Link to post Share on other sites
Mariana345 Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 Oh!! sorry, english is not my native language XD What I was saying is that I would want he proves to me that he is not seeing or making contact with the other girl(s) and to make clear to them that he only wants a relationship with ME. And you already did that. The second is that she can't trust you right now, and that she wants to move on and forget because she is seeing someone already, and unfortunately you have to respect that, because she asked you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author aanderson088 Posted August 31, 2012 Author Share Posted August 31, 2012 Right. Okay. I did. I'll leave her alone. If she asks about the other changes (facebook, no drinking, church, etc.) then I'll explain to her. Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 I think your ex has moved on and so should you. It's kind of too little too late as far as you are concerned. It's good that you've made some positive changes in your life so this type of thing won't happen again, but I suspect it's too late to salvage your relationship with your ex. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author aanderson088 Posted August 31, 2012 Author Share Posted August 31, 2012 Kathy - She told me that she hadn't moved on, but she wanted to see where this goes with this new guy... She said she wanted to move on but I can't just SAY things anymore, and that I needed to show some action. Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 Kathy - She told me that she hadn't moved on, but she wanted to see where this goes with this new guy... She said she wanted to move on but I can't just SAY things anymore, and that I needed to show some action. It isn't going to work for her to be going out with some other guy while expecting you to remain dateless. Not going to work. The only way you can salvage this relationship is if you both agreed to be monogamous with each other, and then you would prove over time that she can trust you by never showing an interest in other women, not giving them your number, not flirting with them, not responding inappropriately to fb messages, etc. But until she is willing to drop the other guy and let you back into her life exclusively, you really don't have the opportunity to show her you can be trusted. Rebuilding trust is very difficult to do, even when both partners want to rebuild. It's a long process, and often trust can never be fully regained after the initial betrayal. I'd suggest you move on, and let her do so as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author aanderson088 Posted August 31, 2012 Author Share Posted August 31, 2012 I'm going to. I'm in counseling and I'll keep praying for the strength to move on. My counselor also suggest that I be put on anti-depressants. Link to post Share on other sites
Mariana345 Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 I'm going to. I'm in counseling and I'll keep praying for the strength to move on. My counselor also suggest that I be put on anti-depressants. waaaaa, I'm also in counseling... and I'm on prozac cause I reached a depresion, not just for my relationship, but many maaaany things were really bad in my life. Actually this BU make things better except the relationship... weird,isn't it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author aanderson088 Posted August 31, 2012 Author Share Posted August 31, 2012 Yea. It happens that way sometimes I guess. Haha. Thank you for your encouragement. I hope she receives it well. Link to post Share on other sites
BDranger Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 You learned your lesson, thats good. However, she is with someone else, go NC, and stay until she contacts back. Like all women, most will come back somewhere around the 6-12 month mark. I get most at the earlier end of that time line. You need to respect her as a person and her decisions. Even if the decision is less than optimal, she needs to decide who she wants to be in life. She can make this decision without you even needing to be in the same room, the same state or the same country. Whatever you do, however she contacts, always maintain complete composure. Reply with short, semi-vague but happy messages. Let things progress naturally and just let it happen. The absolute worst thing you can do is push her away, let her come to you, bottom line. Good luck! Take personal time and enjoy it whether she comes back or not. Link to post Share on other sites
ItsAllOver Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 (edited) My counselor also suggest that I be put on anti-depressants. Antidepressants? Over a breakup? SERIOUSLY? Honestly, I think you need to say NO. Antidepressants are serious drugs with potentially serious side effects. These side effects include sexual side effects, which can have a serious impact on future relationships. Furthermore, despite assurances that antidepressants are 'non habit forming', they can be EXTREMELY difficult to discontinue (I've known too many people who have had a hard time trying to get off this stuff). As I said, antidepressants are serious drugs for people with severe depression/anxiety (and even then, they often produce less than desired results). If you are simply feeling bad over a breakup, these drugs are not for you. Do yourself a favor and pass on the pills here. Breakups never feel good and are never fun. But they are something you just have to try to work your way through. Edited August 31, 2012 by ItsAllOver Link to post Share on other sites
Author aanderson088 Posted September 1, 2012 Author Share Posted September 1, 2012 Antidepressants? Over a breakup? SERIOUSLY? Honestly, I think you need to say NO. Antidepressants are serious drugs with potentially serious side effects. These side effects include sexual side effects, which can have a serious impact on future relationships. Furthermore, despite assurances that antidepressants are 'non habit forming', they can be EXTREMELY difficult to discontinue (I've known too many people who have had a hard time trying to get off this stuff). As I said, antidepressants are serious drugs for people with severe depression/anxiety (and even then, they often produce less than desired results). If you are simply feeling bad over a breakup, these drugs are not for you. Do yourself a favor and pass on the pills here. Breakups never feel good and are never fun. But they are something you just have to try to work your way through. The antidepressants aren't because of the break up. The antidepressants are for entirely different issues that I've discussed with my counselor. Link to post Share on other sites
ItsAllOver Posted September 1, 2012 Share Posted September 1, 2012 I guess I should mention one other issue when it comes to this whole idea of 'proving fidelity'. Specifically, even if your ex is willing to look at your proof, that doesn't mean that your ex is going to believe it. It's easy enough to fabricate a message where you turn someone down in order to show your ex that you are no longer cheating. And I'm sure your ex knows this. Now I'm not calling you a liar (or anything like that). But just remember that, even if you do present 'proof of fidelity' to your ex, that doesn't mean your ex is going to consider it to be credible. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author aanderson088 Posted September 2, 2012 Author Share Posted September 2, 2012 I know. It was all I could this think to do. Link to post Share on other sites
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