i want to see him again...this summer?

[fleur_de_me]

So, my ex and I (he's 32, I'm 28) broke up almost 9 months ago when I was going off to grad school. It caught me by surprise because we had a loving relationship and were going to try to make it work. Right before I left he told me he "couldn't do this" and didn't know what he wanted in life "right now" maybe when I was done, we could be together again, he hasn't felt like this about someone in a long time, etc, etc.

 

My heart was broken, I was a total wreck, he was the love of my life and the person I thought I would marry. After a few days of being a disaster, I went NC and I moved away to start my doctorate.

 

We saw each other in October (we broke up in July of last year), and things were strange- he begged to see me, took time off from work, and came an hour and a half out of his way to pick me up. I got super sick when I was at his place and he took care of me, took off more time from work to take me to the hospital and be with me. But during that time he never said he wanted to get back with me and in fact kept insisting that his life was easier as a single person. It was like his words and his actions didn't match at all.

 

I was embarrassed I had been so sick and went NC as soon as I got on the plane to go home. He didn't try to contact me either.

 

Over Christmas/New Years I was back in town with my family and saw some of our mutual friends, didn't see him but was hurt he didn't make an effort to see me or speak to me when I was around. I heard he was trying to get an arranged marriage (he's Indian), which really broke my heart. How is getting married to a stranger better than marrying someone who loves you? (I understand his culture, I speak his language, and both of his parents are dead so no one is pressuring him for an arranged marriage, he just decided to do it even though he told me he wasn't ready for that).

 

I resolved to never speak to him again and continued NC. In February I got an email from him asking how I was, if I was doing OK and saying he was "sorry for hurting" me. I ignored it. I got another email a month or so later that almost seemed like a mistake- it didn't even really make sense so I deleted it (It was like he started writing it and didn't finish, but sent it by accident instead of deleting it).

 

Since then, I've been missing him a lot. I never responded but I wanted to. I will be back in town this summer for 2 months and kind of want to see him. If anything, to try to give myself closure.

 

I think he really loved me (he never cheated, treated me like the most beautiful and special woman on earth), his friends adore me, and I was an amazing girlfriend to him. We never fought, took trips, and enjoyed our lives together- he introduced me to his boss and his friends and family, and took me to his religious events and friends' weddings. I'm pretty sure if I hadn't moved away we would have stayed together. It breaks my heart...I love him so much and want to fix things. I would have given up anything to be with him, but he always supported my career and encouraged me to do what was best for me.

 

Do you think I can try to casually meet up with him and see if we can just rekindle a friendship (if nothing else?)... NC has not made me better after all of these months and I think I would be OK having him in my life in some capacity rather than none. I still think about him everyday even if I don't speak to him...I'd rather at least have contact and speak to him and see him on occasion even if we can't be together. It will be really hard being in town and not seeing him, but seeing our friends.

 

Please help me!!!

Edited April 23, 2011 by fleur_de_me

[bernardverh]

The end of your relationship sounds a bit like a puzzle to me. You moved away to a city far away? He didn't want to cope with that? Or were there other reasons for him to break up?

 

Going in NC can help yourself to get your life back. You tried this, but he's still in your head, so you're not really moving on. If you want to close this or get a more clear view on the situation, talking with him could help. Why not call him and ask to meet? Are you going to wait months for that? I would arrange it as soon as possible.

 

After such a long time my idea is that he moved on. It's easy to move on if you already have doubts and meet someone else soon after, be prepared that this might have happened.

 

I think he really loved me (he never cheated, treated me like the most beautiful and special woman on earth), his friends adore me, and I was an amazing girlfriend to him. We never fought, took trips, and enjoyed our lives together- he introduced me to his boss and his friends and family, and took me to his religious events and friends' weddings. I'm pretty sure if I hadn't moved away we would have stayed together. It breaks my heart...I love him so much and want to fix things. I would have given up anything to be with him, but he always supported my career and encouraged me to do what was best for me.

 

This is reasoning in the past, the situation might have changed. If his love would be as strong as yours, he wouldn't have left you when you left. Watch out for over-romantic thinking.

 

Do you think I can try to casually meet up with him and see if we can just rekindle a friendship (if nothing else?)... NC has not made me better after all of these months and I think I would be OK having him in my life in some capacity rather than none. I still think about him everyday even if I don't speak to him...I'd rather at least have contact and speak to him and see him on occasion even if we can't be together. It will be really hard being in town and not seeing him, but seeing our friends.

 

You really have to have a good talk with him. I think that's the only solution. There might be a small chance that he misses you too. But since you always stayed in NC, he never knew what you were thinking. Thought the situation can also be totally different. Communication is the key to solving this problem.

[pandagirl]

I remember your story, because we broke up with our boyfriends around the same time!

 

I don't think it's silly that you haven't moved on. The heart wants what it wants. I feel like you haven't had closure yet, and if talking to him can help you, then I say go for it. But, it's possible that seeing him could only create more pain and confusion. If you feel you can walk away with your head held high no matter the conclusion, then go ahead.