Up and down, side to side, in and out - dealing with an ex?

[Gaz]

Hokay. My girlfriend of just three months ended things between us several months ago (May) saying that she figured that she should be "feeling more" for me after this time, and that she didn't think there was enough chemistry. This kinda took me by surprise, since I felt that there was a ton of it there, recalling many nights spent just kissing for hours, entire weekends in bed while being snowed in, etc. But that said, the last month or so we were together, she seemed rather distant, like her mind was elsewhere. I would normally suspect someone else, but not in this case - she's insanely sweet, and never suspected her of that. So when the axe fell, it was a surprise but not a total shock. We parted, and agreed to be friends.

 

Less than 48 hours later, I came home to a message from her on my machine, just calling to say hi, wanted to see how I was doing, that she was thinking of me. This surprised me - I know we agreed to be friends, but wasn't expecting that to start so soon. When I did call her back a couple of days later, I got a bigger surprise.

 

Seems that for the past month, she had been in contact with her ex-boyfriend. She had been seeing this guy for about two years on and off, and by all accounts he was rather manipulative, and perhaps abusive (mentally). She dumped him after a year, he promised to mend his ways, she took him back to find he didn't change, and dumped him again, vowing to never speak to him again. Now he had suddenly resurfaced, and she had dinner with him the night after breaking up with me. Guess what.. he started pulling her strings, and she was calling to cry on my shoulder. She then went on to tell me that she was having second thoughts about breaking up, and that when she told me she felt there wasn't enough chemistry and that the feelings she had for me weren't strong enough, she didn't mean it.

 

I was absolutely furious!! We argued over email, because I wasn't able to keep my composure speaking to her. She assured me that her decision to end it had nothing to do with that guy, but I did (and still do) believe differently. Her distance and change in attitude towards me co-incided almost exactly with the time he resurfaced again, and the fact that she met him immediately after breaking up was a little too convenient. I essentially felt that she gambled me away on the assumption that she was getting back with her ex, and now that had panned out, she was "settling" for second prize. And I ain't anybody's second prize. She begged me to at least be friends with her, and maybe down the road things could be resolved, but I emphatically told her that "Someday we may be friends, but hell will freeze over before I ever get back together with you."

 

Sooo... fast forward to the present, almost five months later. We have established a friendship, and generally get together once a week or so for lunch, or more recently she's been coming out with me and my friends. And now that we're spending more time together, it seems that our old rapport; the old chemistry is there again, at least on a certain level. And I have, much to my surprise, found myself thinking about trying a reconcilliation. I know that the ex is now a thing of the past, she knows and accepts that there is no future between them. But I do know she was madly in love with him, and that perhaps those feelings linger. It's also not helping me when pretty much every one of my friends think that she's great, and that I'm crazy to let her go. What also doesn't help, is that she behaves rather flirtatiously towards me - not on a sexual level, but she keeps telling me what a fantastic guy I am, how cute I am, etc. And worst of all, since the breakup, my dating life is a complete debacle with essentially zero prospects.

 

All this means I'm pretty confused. I think i want her back, but am wondering how much "lonliness" (if that's what you'd call it) is contributing to this. I'm also wondering what these constant compliments mean (she gives crazy good massages, and I had to tell her to stop rubbing my shoulders during a lunch several weeks ago, as it made me uncomfortable). And even IF my own motives are good, AND she's receptive to getting back together, how do I deal with the constant nagging that the dick of an ex could potentially rear his head again? (along with the feelings she has for him)

 

Thanks for reading this gigantic essay of a post, and thanks for any help you all can offer on this!

[Velvet Eel]

It's clear from your post that you communicate well. What would be the harm of bringing up these issues with your ex? You could tell her you've been feeling very attracted to her lately, but you have some concerns about getting back together. If you were able to build a friendship after your break-up, it sounds as if a conversation like this won't ruin that friendship. And at best, you'll find that she's eager for a second chance, and willing to do what it takes to reassure you that she's more serious this time. Good luck!

[Gaz]

Heh, thanks for the compliment on my communication skills! (if that's sarcastic, I'll keep this shorter!)

 

It's not so much the situation of bringing it up with her though, it's more a case of my motives. She's a great girl, no doubt, and very cute. We get on really well. But there's first of all the typical male pig headed pride getting in the way - she rejected me, she misled me about being in contact with her ex, so damnit screw her. But the point that's concerning me more than that is the fact that I'm unsure if my current attraction to her is borne out of ACTUAL attraction (ie, I *truly* want to be with her) or if it's stemming from an increasing sense of "my time is running out" - as I said, my dating life in the six months since then is non-existant, with strike out after strike out, (not a typical thing for me, I'm reasonably good looking, confident in myself, and to boot I have a cute Irish accent that American girls seem to love!) so I'm questioning the possibility that the reason I want her back is out of desperation.

 

Plus, let's call a spade a spade - I'm a bit nervous about the potential response. Nobody likes rejection. It doesn't really bother me when it's a girl in a bar that I just met, or even a girl I've been on a date or two with or know tentatively. It's another thing when the girl in question is someone I've established a relationship with (both romantic and platonic) and I sorta value.

 

So to sum up, the reason I haven't talked to her about this already is 20% pigheadedness, 50% quesitoning why, and 30% being a wuss!

[Velvet Eel]

Oh, the pride thing. I get that. Try thinking of it this way. The really strong man (or woman) is strong enough to forgive, and strong enough to risk rejection.

 

About your motives, no one but yourself can answer that one. Why do we pursue relationships at all? There are always selfish and possibly unworthy reasons like "loneliness" or "time running out," etc. What kind of saint do you expect yourself to be? Maybe you are a little needy right now, a little down on your romantic luck. And maybe you'll both discover it was a mistake to act on that need by getting back together. Maybe not. In the meantime, though, you can be learning something, and growing closer to someone, and getting a little sex and attention.

 

How about just moving slowly? A talk or two. A date.