dopaminefiend7 Posted September 14, 2009 Share Posted September 14, 2009 Hey so i'm new to this whole thing but this has really been bothering me so here we go...so my ex and i first dated about 2 years ago we are both in recovery...i was his first real relationship along with being the first girl he ever said I love you too...his mom and i were super close and she would always tell me how strange it was to see him being in a relationship...he had actually told me from the beginning "I never let anyone get that close" and my response literally was "Well we'll change that" ....i know healthy!...anyways....he randomly broke up with me after a few months and never really gave me an explanation.......i was heartbroken and just didnt understand...i finally let go when he moved to seattle and i had a solid year to move on....well of course as fate would have it he moved back randomly..and then added me on myspace...as soon as i saw the friend request my heart was racing...next thing i know hes IMing me the next day and then from then on started to leave random comments on my page and would continue IMing when we were both on...this was all new to me because before I was ALWAYS the one to chase him and make the first move or contact...finally we talked on the phone for FOUR HOURS!! he kept bringing up every detail of our past (the good things) and we laughed and had a great connection...a couple days later we hung out....and he kissed me i told him i was afraid..he asked why and i told him he just left last time..he explained that with where he was at in sobriety at that point it just didnt feel right..and was sorry he never explained that to me but he understood why i was afraid...i told him i knew we hadnt established what we were doing and i was ok with that but we need to take things slooooow..he agreed ( i should mention to you at this point he only has about 2 and half months of sobriety i have 2 and half YEARS..) he said he himself wasnt sure what was the right decision on where to go with what we were doing...so we just continued hanging out and pretty much dating he called every night and he was actually taking me out on dates which he NEVER paid last time around...i did because he was unemployed...and even now he was tight for money but would still take me out..he still didnt have a car so despite me driving us places he would fill up my tank..and always make sure to ask me if i needed anything or would just get me something when he did for himself..very sweet..of course you can only take it slow for so long when you've already been with someone so we had sex...he could not finish..we tried 3 different times and it just wouldnt happen...i was very sure to be observant of if he was going to start to be distant when this happened but he was still very affectionate and close...i was surprised because in the past he had always hated being touched when he slept and had even mentioned the last girl he dated annoyed him because she was constantly touching him and while he slept...but he would wrap around me when we slept...in fact i was the one annoyed because it would be hard to sleep with him all over me...but it was nice...he would wak eup and kiss me in the middle of the nightafter our last sexual situation he brought me over to his moms to hang out for a bit and she had invited us to come to dinner that sunday i watched him and he seemed to look scared?? i told her i had to work and he said "we;ll see whats up" which is an annoying response i hate ...he called me a day later but i was on the phone with an upset friend and said id call him back....i couldnt get a hold of him for the next couple days (he doesnt have a phone so i have to call the house and if no ones there no answer) last time he had called was a friday then finally friggin MONDAY he calls...and sounds SUPER DISTANT i asked what his schedule was that week and he said he worked all week which had never been a problem before? i was like ok so what mornings nights...? i told him i was off the next day and did he wanna hang out..he said he was maybe gonna hang out with this guy but he wasnt sure he'd give me a call...that night i broke up with him through email ( i know i suck) I said "Hey i dont think we should keep doing whatever it is we're doing..im already seeing red flags and honestly i have too much on my plate right now to worry about this (fulltimeschool) I know we never established what this was but i dont appreciate being left in the dark for a few days i deserve more consideration than that i wish you all the best...take care....he read it and never responded...i feel like i should have talked to him first or something but it felt like he was about to bail anyway...i love him so this really sucks...helpppppp suggestions plllleeeease!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted September 14, 2009 Share Posted September 14, 2009 but it felt like he was about to bail anyway... More like you bailed on him, isn't it? A "preemptive bail", perhaps, but still one of your choosing. Maybe his distance was due to him hitting a rough spot in his sobriety, or maybe even having fallen off the wagon that weekend you never heard from him and him feeling bad/mad/sad about that. With your 2.5 YEARS of sobriety, you may have had a bit more compassion instead of taking it personally/making it all about you. In any case. From his perspective it also took you a couple of days to get back to him after you said you'd call him back. (Excuses about house phones notwithstanding.) But then you get all freaked-out when there are a couple of days between his calls to you. I do agree with you that there are red flags...maybe he was the one seeing/sensing them, as well. Suggestion? See if he is open to hearing from you that you over-reacted without any thought for what might have been going on for him; and if he is open to that, see if he is open to you making amends. Link to post Share on other sites
Ray of Sunshine Posted September 14, 2009 Share Posted September 14, 2009 I agree with Ronni....sometimes you just have to give situations consideration before jumping to conclusions. You should contact him as Ronni suggested...and talk things through. Good luck to you.... Sunshine always... Link to post Share on other sites
Author dopaminefiend7 Posted September 14, 2009 Author Share Posted September 14, 2009 Yeah i agree Ronni i def did make it all about me i got into fear with it and from his old patterns of things going well and him breaking it off I figured I'd just get out of it while I could...but then I thought how many HUGE improvements there were compared to our last go round...one of the things ive read here on LS is whenever the dumper wants the dumpee back they will apply those changes and really show the dumpee they want them back...and he did all of those things.. he has never really been one to communicate whats going on with him and so its really not too big of a surprise that he never responded to me when i broke up with him...how should i go about this getting in contact situation...my sponsor and all my friends arent too thrilled about me doing this and my sponsor actually told me i didnt have any amends to make but to me i kinda feel like i do...but perhaps its just me justifying a way to communicate....this love crap is hard.. Link to post Share on other sites
smookie Posted September 14, 2009 Share Posted September 14, 2009 I think that 2 months into recovery is way to soon to start rekindeling an old relationship. Maybe he felt overwhelmed with his new emotions, maybe he was scared of it all. I would try to talk to him and really be there only as a friend. He needs friends right now not a romantic partener (to much to handle at once to soon). try to contact him to be his friend nothing more then that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dopaminefiend7 Posted September 14, 2009 Author Share Posted September 14, 2009 he has 4 months now jk... Link to post Share on other sites
Author dopaminefiend7 Posted September 14, 2009 Author Share Posted September 14, 2009 also...should i take into consideration the fact that he hasnt reached out and i said why i was upset in the email..?or just assume hes pissed i just ended it and at that through a damn email.....thoughts please.. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted September 14, 2009 Share Posted September 14, 2009 Well, now that smookie mentioned it: On his side, his sponsor would be telling him to wait at least a full year of sobriety before getting into a romantic thing -- I think that's the 'rule of thumb', isn't it? Quite possibly that is also on the mind of your own sponsor. And then your question becomes: Are you prepared to do everything in your own power to ensure that you ex can celebrate a successful 12 months, in 8 months' time? If you have HIS best interest at heart, you will leave him alone and let him get on with the difficult task of recovery. Maybe you want to send an email along the lines of: "Sorry that I haven't been fully supportive of your goals for sobriety. I wish you well, and am looking forward to catching up with you in 8 months, and celebrating your 'one year' with you at that time. Until then, be happy." I know it's not what you want...but maybe it's about being loving and selfless, and giving him what he needs? Link to post Share on other sites
Author dopaminefiend7 Posted September 14, 2009 Author Share Posted September 14, 2009 do i really have to be completely out of the picture for eight months...sheesh...in all honesty the rule of thumb is a year...but i dont know many who stick to it...i was actually waiting to see if he surpassed 6 months thats usually when things get rocky for him..and then see what to do next...but isnt there a way to be in his life without being a complete distraction i need to focus on school but i hate this no contact thing...i miss him...alot Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 Hugs. I know it craps out. Thing is...you ALREADY KNOW he is headed right for the period in his recovery that has proven to be his Achilles Heel. It's not only that he has to surpass 6 months...he also has to get well past it. You know this...you've been there. Maybe you had it easier, or more difficult. But you, more than most, know what he's going through and what he will be going through, soon. Going by your first post, quite frankly it does not sound as if you can be in his life without adding the drama of your own fears, wants and needs/neediness. You saw "red flags" and took a narcissistic view...instead of assessing the situation objectively, and applying what you ALREADY know about him, specifically, and about the struggle for sobriety, in general. He sooo doesn't need that over the next 3 to 8 months. Of course, though, what *I'm* reading into it does not matter a hoot. The important questions are: Can you see a way that you can be ONLY a supportive, calm, stabilizing, positive force in his life? Do you have the courage, strength, self-discipline and healthy coping skills/tools that you will need? Are you self-responsible and self-reliant enough to meet your own wants and needs? Do you care about him enough to make some personal sacrifices, and to not place any expectations, requirements or demands on him? If you end up with five (5) resounding, unequivocal "yesses" -- then, by all means, do be the friend that he will need to get to his 'one year' successfully Link to post Share on other sites
Author dopaminefiend7 Posted September 15, 2009 Author Share Posted September 15, 2009 ronni your advice is awesome...i miss him terribly so i dont know...but for now i guess i will just stay on this side of the fence i am putting together some thoughts on paper as to what i do want to say if i were to say anything at all..does it sound to you like there were feelings on his end as well? do you think its a bad sign he hasnt reached out to me over this past month of NC? I was the dumper but yeah i dont know all this is still swirling around my head...im in a rut...help Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 I think...right now it doesn't really matter if there were or were not feelings on his end, does it? For HIM, I would suspect that his priority is likely getting/staying sober. That does take self-sacrifice, as you know, and perhaps he has just made the (wise) decision to NOT let his emotions/feelings get in the way of his sobriety goals. do you think its a bad sign he hasnt reached out to me over this past month of NC? Do you mean a "bad sign" for you, or do you mean a "bad sign" as in maybe he's hit a rough patch? In any case, wouldn't it be that the wisest "reaching out" he can be doing for himself, at this time, is to his sponsor? To me, it could be a GOOD sign, indicating that he is doing what he needs to do to achieve his sobriety goals. I guess: How important is it for you, to see him do that...with or without you actively in his life? Link to post Share on other sites
Author dopaminefiend7 Posted September 15, 2009 Author Share Posted September 15, 2009 hey ronni so i emailed him..this: [sIZE=undefined]hi.. [/sIZE] [sIZE=undefined]so i got scared and I’ m sorry I just bailed on you…I didn’t even try to talk to you or ask if everything was okay with you. I was just so badly hurt last time ***** and I did not want to feel that way again so as soon as I saw the slightest bit of a red flag everything in me just said to RUN! I care about you so much and I want nothing more than to at the very least just be a part of your life. I also didn’t want to interfere with your sobriety as I always tend to do. Obviously there are feelings between you and I that no matter how much time goes by never seem to fade and that has got to mean something. Despite never really having a set plan I so enjoyed those few weeks we spent together. You were so affectionate and attentive and treated me better than any other time we were together and I can’t begin to tell you how much that meant to me. It was definitely appreciated and noticed. The bond that we share seems stronger to me than any other relationship I have had solely because it is a sober one. Every laugh, moment, word is meant and remembered which also makes it that much harder. For once I don’t even know if I really want to be in a relationship. Anyways just know that my backing out was nothing to do with you personally not that it matters now, but I hope there is still a chance we can be one day be friends. [/sIZE] [sIZE=undefined]i am so nervous...but at the same time i have no expectations as to how he is going to react...if he follows the pattern perhaps he just wont respond at all and in any event that will give me some type of closure to be able to accept hes done...ouch but lets get this going already its been over 2 yrs sheesh enough already [/sIZE] Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts