Ex-GF going back and forth for months but keeps running away?

[habit50]

Hi Guys and Girls,

 

My first post here and I appreciate anyone who can give me some insight on my situation. Sorry for the length, it's long.

 

My girlfriend of 3 years and I split up in July. Basically, I blame myself for this. It was my first relationship and I guess I thought I was settlling. I got scared of her commitment level (marriage talk, etc) and the whole time I was acting selfish and never gave as much as she did in the relationship. We started fighting over stupid things and eventually she broke up with me. We must have had about 35 or so tearful goodbyes, as I never realized how much I loved her and it seemed she couldn't quite walk away.

 

She strung me along for weeks until I found out she was seeing someone else the whole time. I was badly hurt, but figured I deserved it for the way I treated her. We maintained contact (mostly me being a sniveling whining baby, and begging) but when I broke it for a few days she would call. Tell me she wanted me back and that she doesn't really like the new guy. This happened about 4 times, each time we were about to get together again she ran away with a different excuse (too much resentment, afraid to start something new, etc). She broke her promise to take time to herself but I kept forgiving her because I broke our trust first in the realtionship.

 

It took my dumbass about 4 times of this to realize I had to let her go and move on. I tell her I love her so much I just want to be happy, with or without me. I hear her crying on the phone. I let go, and a week later she calls, asking if I would take her back. She says she thought she was falling in love, but I was on her mind the whole time. I bought it again, like a sucker and met her for dinner. She is crying and tells me how much she loves me and how I am her best friend, putting her hand on my heart and telling me to listen to it, etc. She says she is going to break up with this new guy later that night and I believe her. She has been thinking about it for weeks and her parents know the deal and everything, so it seems different this time.

 

At this point we had been apart almost 4 months, and she has been with the other guy every day for about 3 of those. I go up to school and she calls me telling me she broke up with the guy and to call her later that night. I do, and THE FIRST words from her mouth are "I didn't know I loved him too until he left, but I still want to work on us and keep him as a friend." I flipped out at her for doing this again after 4 months of heartache and back and forth for me. I gave her everything this past months, including my best wishes for her and the new guy. She choose us only to take it back AGAIN and crush me. I have been totally open to her about how painful this back and forth has been and how I can't do it anymore. She doesn't understand why I am so angry and wonders why we are fighting. We had plans to go to a wedding later that week and I kept them. We get there and she tells me when she talks to me she has hope, but when she sees me she no longer wants to work on us, too much has changed and she doesn't love me enough. The wedding song was our song by chance, and she told me "It doesn't have the same meaning ", which killed me after hearing all that love the week before. Her excuse changing her mind this time one is a repeat excuse "I just couldn't let you go". She said that about a month ago as well. Just a week prior to the wedding she was pouring her heart out to me and talking about moving in together, .etc.

 

I tell her she needs time alone to figure out what she wants and she agrees. Later that week I pass by her house (I have to, she is a neighbor) and the guys truck is there. I call her inquiring about her "time alone" including him and she makes up lies about going to the gym or something.When I last spoke to her and asked her to tell me we where done forever so I could move on. She says "fine, forever". Since then, I haven't spoken to her in two weeks, the longest in 3.5 years. I know I have to let her go and I am so afraid I could never trust her again, but I love this girl so very much. I really believed she was my soulmate and she has been my best friend for so long. I know she wanted to work on our relationship but I believe she is scared we won't work and keeps running back to the rebound guy. Her safety net that she "can't even really have a conversation with" in her own words. This girl is also totally gorgeous and her new boyfriend is, objectively speaking, one of the most unattractive people I have ever seen. He has nicknames its so bad. I know looks aren't everything, but I still can't picture them together. It's a scary thought (even beyond jealousy).

 

I am not contacting her anymore but I think about her all the time. I have become obsessed with the situation but I am getting help for it. She had confided at the wedding that she couldn't get me out of her head either, so this isn't totally one sided.

 

 

Do these rebound relationships usually last a long time?

 

Isn't it the slightest bit odd that she never even really got along with this guy (according to her parents) and all of a sudden she loves him when he goes to leave?

 

Do you think her actions and words show any hope for us?

 

Since she hasn't healed from our realtionship and couldn't let me go, does this mean her new one is doomed? Or can you heal when you aren't by yourself?

 

Thanks in advance for any advice and sorry for the length.

[midori]

I'm so sorry, I know all too well what you're going through.

 

All I can say in response to your question about rebound relationships is: maybe. Maybe that's all it is. It kind of sounds like it ... but it's impossible to know. Sometimes a thing that starts out as a rebound relationship turns into something more serious and permanent.

 

Sorry to dampen your hopes, but I think you just can't tell about something like that.

 

Breaking trust is a hard thing to get over. She has more than settled the "score" with all of her shennanigans. You'd do well to not trust her anytime soon.

 

With flakey people, men or women, friends or lovers, I think it's best to stick to the rule of thumb, that actions speak louder than words. She said she wanted some alone time to figure things out. But she's not taking any alone time. So it's a pretty safe bet that she's not interested in figuring things out anymore. She's not actively thinking about you and her relationship with you.

 

You can hold out for her, hoping that she'll come back to you. But you might well be waiting for a long time -- like forever -- even if things with the current guy don't work out. Maybe the lesson you should take away from this experience is that when you've got a good thing you should be very careful before you start whacking at its foundations .

 

It hurts and it sucks. I know. I'm sorry you're going through it. It will get better if you can resolve to put this behind you -- which means no more holding out hope for getting back together, no more beating yourself up about where you went wrong, or wondering how you might undo the damage. It's over and done with, and even if she changes her mind (again) in a week or a month or in six months, my guess is that she won't have grown and changed to the point where you'd want to start up with her again. Maybe in the distant future your paths will cross again. In the meantime, don't count on it, don't lurk hoping to catch a glimpse of her. She's not in your world anymore. And therefore she's not worth the worry and grief.

 

Good luck

[butterflyz]

through this, like you said, you helped bring it on with your previous behavior. so i guess what goes around comes around.

 

but, she should not be jerking you back and forth either. she needs to make a decision and stick with it, even if she regrets it later. even if her decision is "i can't make a decision right now." that would be better than what she is doing. at least you would know where you stand.

 

it seems that she can't trust you for some reason. i guess she doesn't have much will power to stay away, so she's making sure you don't approach her. it's a stupid and childish way to behave.

 

she's doing you a favor. take it and leave. between the two of you, you've destroyed it.

[observing]

I found this because I (a guy) have nearly the exact same problem (and I'm 35 and she's 28, so I guess it doesn't just affect novices to relationships). The detail of the problem can be dispensed with. You need to look at the patterns. She comes to you and when she feels she has you secured, she runs off. She runs off to the other guy and when she feels she has him secure, she runs back to you. There is an important theory in psychology called "reactance theory" that has been used to explain all kinds of human behavior, most notably why persons under 21 binge drink - because they can't have it. People grow fonder of things that are hard to get. This theory has been tested in the lab, it's quite interesting. That's why "playing hard to get" works quite well with women (and men) in the early phase of a relationship or courting. In your situation, and mine, reactance theory explains why she chases you intensly and then pulls away. Once she secures you, her interest level drops. Simultaneously, she feels she is losing the other guy and, like a magnet, gets pulled back to him. It's a terrible thing and the only way out of your mess is to realize what forces are at work. Forget about love for now with her. Don't beat yourself up either for possibly messing things up in the beginning. Everyone deserves a second chance and if you learned from your mistakes, and showed her you learned from it and worked out your issues, then it's her problem now that she can't commit. Unfortunately, the only way out is to firmly, firmly, hold your ground, don't be wimpy, and move on. Believe me, you'll fall in love again if you can break this cycle by pre-occupying yourself with other things and, also, don't be afraid to meet and date another women. Being nice to another women and being treated right by another women will be so refreshing for you that you'll forget about your old girlfriend and then you will truly free yourself of the psychological yo-yo mess you are in. I've been there exactly, just be strong and hold your mental and emotional ground. Good luck!!