Need some encouragement

[paperchase]

It's now been 4 days since I started NC. I haven't broken it once, not even to say Merry Christmas. I didn't even answer her call or her mother's call which came minutes later. She has texted me each day, except day 2, more than once. Some of the texts have been just small talk. Others have been statements that she misses me, or she misses what we had, or I'm killing her, or she can't sleep without me or she hates that I hate her. She has called me a few times but I have yet to answer.

 

Whenever she opens up a little in her text messages, and I fail to respond, she sends a follow up text within 10 minutes to the effect of "nevermind" or "fine, I'll go back to being silent." But she never stays silent for more than a day. Each day has gotten better except today has been very tough. I really want to hear her voice. I really want to know why she's texting me. That's a lie actually. I only want to know if she wants to reconcile. Otherwise, I'm not interested. Friendship or being in limbo is not an option from my standpoint.

 

I want to reach out, but I don't want to do anything to reduce the chances of reconciliation. If I knew there was no option, I think I would have broken the silence by now, if only to explain why I have gone dark before going dark again...for good.

 

Many people question whether NC can backfire. They worry that by going dark, their ex might return the favor for good. I don't think that's backfiring; I think that's a wake-up call that you weren't that important. But if your ex continues to establish contact, how long can you ignore them before they accept the cirumstances and stop trying. I mean even us hearbroken pushovers finally managed to accept things by going dark in the first place.

 

In addition to not wanting to screw things up by breaking the silence, I'm holding out for a particular kind of communication. All those received to date were either meaningless chit chat or selfish in spirit. They were all about how she feels, what she's missing, how hard it is for her to be ignored. My ex is a high maintence diva type and one of our issues is that she felt like everything was about me and that her wants and needs didn't get enough attention. This isn't true, but you know how perception can be reality.

 

Someone please offer me some advice. I'm having a very hard time today.

[saturnfell]

Hi,

 

I'm sorry you're having a difficult time with this. So, you want to get back together, correct? Cutting off communication with someone is very difficult, especially if they are contacting you. One thing to remember is that she is probably hurt, so if she is sending you messages that are a bit negative or chit chatty she probably doesn't know what to say and is going with her emotions. Maybe the best thing for you to do is sit down with her and talk it out? Cover all aspects and decide what you want from that. That would answer many of your questions / her questions. It's much better than prolonging it and going back and forth. If you could have the perfect scenario today... what would it be? Answer honestly, please.

[paperchase]

Yes, I do want her back. And her messages have not been negative. I implemented no contact through a good bye letter. I basically acknowledged that we had issues and wished her well. She was doing a lot of pushing and pulling. She didn't know what she wanted, and I was tired of the roller coaster ride.

 

As soon as I sent my letter she wrote back about how much she loved me, how I was the best thing she ever had, how she took her personal issues out on me, how she wasn't the same person, she hated herself and the decision...everything short of I want you back. I never responded to that letter and have not responded to any of her communications since.

 

The only thing keeping me from responding is the fear that I will either lose any leverage I have gained through silence or be forced to hear her reiterate that it's over between us. All her messages are about how bad she feels and how she misses me, but I'm just not sure if that's enough. I feel like she is having difficulty being ignored and wants to see where my head is at. I'd love to be able to reach out and not get hurt in the process.

[samspade]

Maybe the best thing for you to do is sit down with her and talk it out? Cover all aspects and decide what you want from that. That would answer many of your questions / her questions. It's much better than prolonging it and going back and forth.

 

I don't think saturn has read your other threads, paperchase, so I'm not going to jump all over this. I'm just going to say that this would NOT be the best thing for you to do. You are doing the best thing by ignoring her...I know it is tough, but she clearly still in manipulation mode. She's playing sweet and then showing her anger at you.

 

By staying NC, keep in mind that she may drift away - but this is because she was never truly interested in reconciling with you. It has nothing to do with her being hurt or emotional, and everything to do with her being full of it. Maybe she'll come back and be 100% interested in changing for you, but you shouldn't concern yourself with that. Stay strong, stay silent. She decided to leave you - that's what she gets.

 

I know it's doubly tough because it's Xmas. On my ex's birthday, I stayed clear away from the computer and the phone....and you know what? At the end of the day, it felt GOOD not to have texted/emailed/called her to wish her "happy birthday." Don't falter!

[samspade]

And I should add that if she truly wants you back and is ready to change for you, YOU WILL KNOW. She sounds like a psycho to me, based on your stories, so I think you should be glad you and your kids dodged a bullet and forget her!

[paperchase]

Thanks for checking in over the holidays. I agree she is in manipulation mode, but that's not entirely new. It's consistent with how she often communicates. And in fairness I think most people manipulate at times. Some would say using NC to win your partner back is a form of manipulation.

 

The problem is if she drifts away, you never know if it was because of the prolonged NC or the fact that she was never truly interested in reconciling. This is why I think I am going to contact her, but definitely not now. I need to tone of her messages to move from sefish to selfless.

[samspade]

Some would say using NC to win your partner back is a form of manipulation.

 

If you are trying to use NC as a means to this end, then yes, YOU are being manipulative.

 

NC is not a tactic for getting her back. It's a tactic for you moving on.

 

The problem is if she drifts away, you never know if it was because of the prolonged NC or the fact that she was never truly interested in reconciling.

 

Wrong. If she drifts away, it's because her intentions were never truly honest to begin with, and she's not interested in anything more than toying with you.

 

This is why I think I am going to contact her, but definitely not now. I need to tone of her messages to move from sefish to selfless.

 

Bad idea. And you know what? Monitoring the tone and content of her messages is probably not helping you. I know it might feel like an ego trip...but if you're holding out for something, then maybe you need to block her.

 

And if she "often communicates" in a manipulative fashion, then there's another mark against her. This woman has tons of red flags....do yourself a big favor and find someone of better quality who doesn't play these games.