I've blown it? - so gutted (bit long)

[Unnamed]

Six years ago I met someone who my friend liked too. I got her without telling anyone and he wondered why I wasn't going off with other people. One night of madness I went with another girl drunk, realised I was making a mistake and made my excuses and left - I never told anyone. We eventually split up after two years anyway. I was too scared to tell my friends and was scared of commitment - she said she was going off with someone for a holiday - that was the last I heard.

 

I was devastated but three months later and after being with a new girl I see her, we get talking and I proceed to get with her again in front of this girl and my mate who were not happy.

 

Cue us together for four great years. I got a job in the city and could only come back at weekends. I was trying to build a better future for us and hoping to come home and settle at some point.

 

At xmas things we had a major row about my work xmas party, for the first time I realised I could lose her. She constantly said she loved me - yet here she was questioning us. She never brought up the problems in our relationshp as on weekends she just wanted us to be happy - so how could I have fixed anything or known?

 

She grew slightly distant and was constantly worried I was off with someone, I never did. After months of trying to make things better someone tells her about this girl six years ago - cue lots of crying and me being called a liar and every name under the sun.

 

She constantly thought I was lying and even when I worked late nights all week, came back home *every* weekend to see her I started to go back to my parents more and more just to get some rest as I was so burnt out from work, fighting for my relationship and just wanting to get my head together.

 

In August eight months after the xmas party she sees a photo of me dancing/looking at a girl on the net and proceeds to have a massive row with me on MSN saying thats it.

 

I left it two weeks and after not hearing from her I txt her/try to call - no reply. I gave it another week and ask my mate should I call her. He tells me its a bad idea because he saw her holding some other guys hand.

 

At this point I am completely devastated. This girl who I was working here for and trying to be with and marry and here she was off with someone else. I managed to get through and she then tells me this guy makes her feel safe, that I hurt her too much and she was trying to move on.

 

What the hell? I am utterly crushed and it has now been 3 weeks since I called and broke down to her saying how I wanted to marry her and why oh why had she done this when all I thought she wanted was space.

 

I can't sleep, I can't eat and just feel so lost and don't want to work here anymore. I blocked her on everything and have not spoke to her in three weeks as trying out no contact.

 

I just don't know what to do anymore. All I know is that I could have married her and I blew the chance to be happy forever. All she wanted was for me to come home - and then all the past gets raked up.

 

I don't know what to do anymore...

 

Anyone?