What do you think?

[101NEO]

Ok so i started a post a while back in another section describing my situation.

 

I though it was going to work out and since it really hasn't gone anywhere.

 

To sum it up. Girl and i broke up and ended our engagement. I yelled at her in public and really embarrassed her. there was other things that led to it but that was the straw that broke the camel's back. The other stuff was worked out and already delt with, at least on my end.

 

Neither of us were "ready" for the engagement, moved a little too fast as she had just graduated college. It was a 5 year relationship engaged for 2 of them. after 2 months or so we finally started talking a lot and finally started making time for each other to see each other and hang out a little to see how it feels. I want to work out our differences, she does but is reluctant. She says that she thinks things will be great for a long time (2-3 years) but then she says that she's worried that it'll go back to being crappy and then she'll be kicking herself in the a$$ for coming back to me.

 

The major issue was communication. love has never been the problem. basically she has a lot of trouble communicating certain things to me because she's afraid to hurt me or upset me. even if it's something as small as not wanting to watch the same movie as me. she's has, since we split up, gotten better with it. she's been more honest with me and i appreciate the honesty.

 

So we went out last week tuesday after work. we got to talking and had a good time and then she started crying. when i asked what's wrong, she said "Why did you have to go and make me feel like this. we are supposed to be happy and loving each other and now there's this mess and i don't know if we can get back what we had." I gave her a hug and a kiss on the forehead and said i'm sorry. i told her that i'm only human and that we all make mistakes and that i was sorry for hurting her.

 

she asks,"Shouldn't i have this huge desire to work it out with you" and i followed that by saying "not right now, i don't expect you to right now." I told her that she's hurt and she's guarding herself and that's ok. no one wants to feel like that and the thought of being put in that position ever again will make you not want to be all gung ho about working out differences. it's completely normal.

 

So can anyone give me an opinoin on this whole thing?

[Cioriel]

I'm confused about what you want an opinion on...

 

Do you want to get back together right now or do you share her feelings on wanting to wait? It sounds like she is very unsure and with good right - you yelled at her and completely broke her trust. You had basically promised to be together forever, and not only to be together forever but to always be willing to be together and work at your relationship no matter what. You broke her trust by going back on that and not being willing to work as hard as possible. At least that's the way she is probably feeling right now. If you are sure you want to try with her and are willing to keep trying and work at your relationship, then you need to show that. It seems like she wants to get back w/ you but doesn't want to invest more years of her life in your relationship only to have you shove it back at her in some unknown amount of time.

You need to think about what would be different about you two getting together again and whether or not you think this can work.

 

You made it sound like only she had the communication issues, but it sounds like there is probably more going on. What are some issues you have that you can work on? Did you overcommunicate to make up for her lack of communication? As far as the yelling at her in public, why did that even happen? I understand if it was the "straw that broke the camel's back" but what made it even get to that point? had you been sharing your feelings that things were moving too fast? What can you do in the future to avoid getting to the point where you feel the need to break up or make such a scene where you yell at her like that?

 

These are just my ideas from reading your post. Overall, her trust is lost in you and it will take time to get it back - you have decide if you're willing to invest that time and energy into this and decide if this is what you want. I know you can't guarantee you'll last forever, but you have to be willing to try and work to the point that if there ever is indication that you guys aren't right together you can talk it out and what happened before (you yelling and getting to such an extreme point) will not happen again.

 

One of my favorite quotes regarding relationships is from the show Friends. Monica tells Chandler "I don't believe in soul mates. I think that you and I love each other and work hard at our relationship....some days harder than others."

A relationship is a choice you make to keep trying to be better and get past obstacles together....and engagement or marriage is the bigger choice to keep doing that forever.

 

sorry for the long reply..

[101NEO]

Do you want to get back together right now or do you share her feelings on wanting to wait?

 

Yes i would love nothing more than for the two of us to get back together and work out our differences. i try every day but i also don't want to smohter her with it so some days i keep conversation completely casual.

 

You need to think about what would be different about you two getting together again and whether or not you think this can work.

 

In response to that i went to go and see a relationship therapist to shed some light on things that i might not be seeing clearly. it really made me realize that the way that i handle things sometimes really hurts her and on a level that i may not be able to see. what will be different is that i have grown even more of an appreciation for her and what we had together. what's going to be different is that i odn't ever want to go through this again. with that being said. how can i put her through it ever again if i'm not going to put myself through it ever again. while talking to the therapist he taught me a few things and made me realize that my reactions to certain things she would try to communicate only created barriers because i wasn't taking recognition of her feelings as being valid. now knowing that, i am much better equipped to handle things in a more appropriate manner.

 

As far as the yelling at her in public, why did that even happen? I understand if it was the "straw that broke the camel's back" but what made it even get to that point?

 

I dind't look at it as moving too fast at the time when i proposed. she didn't want to be engaged yet, but also dind't want to hurt my feelings and tell me no. after reflecting on the situation i came to realize that i was "fast forwarding" through our relationship and not letting it take it's natural course.

 

now as for what led up to it was a buch of little things. one was that we made two agreements which she didn't uphold her end of the bargain. not by any malicious intent but it still upset me. also, a horrible reason and in no way shape or form an excuse, but was really drunk. drunk and angry is not a good combo for anyone.

 

Overall, her trust is lost in you and it will take time to get it back - you have decide if you're willing to invest that time and energy into this and decide if this is what you want.

 

I am more than willing, it just hurts. reality has shown me that i am getting exactly what i deserve here. i damaged something that was beautiful and fun. I will do anything or put myself through anything to make right what i did wrong.

 

no apologies for the long reply. i really appreciate it!

[Cioriel]

I am glad to hear that you are really taking steps to find out what led you guys to this point. Have you told your ex that you've gone to see a counselor? It might help reassure her that you really are trying and want to make a change in your relationship for the better, and that you are taking this opportunity to do that. Along that same line, have you thought about couples therapy? This wouldn't necessarily have to be couples therapy to get you back together but could instead be the two of you going in to figure out what you can do to make your relationship (whatever type) better, and so maybe she can explore her trust issues now regarding this and whether she might be able to get over them...

 

My question about how things got to the point they did was more about why it got to the point where you felt the need to yell at her and break it off the way it was done. Like, were there any indicators that you ignored or ways in the future to identify problems before they get to the point they did in the past? I think that will be important to think about in order to gain back her trust. She wants reassurance that this will never happen again and that you two can talk about any issues and hopefully work through them before it gets to the point where you break up w/ her in such a hurtful way again. I don't just mean the yelling - it seems like she feels pretty shocked by everything and that the rug was completely pulled out from under her. It sounds like she needs reassurance that that will not ever happen again - especially at the point it did where you two had seriously been planning on forever with each other. She's probably feeling like she can't trust you with forever because if something goes wrong you won't talk w/ her and will just opt to break up.....in order for a couple to last they have to be willing to work through absolutely everything b/c if one person gives up it doesn't work at all. The idea of trusting someone so completely is scary when you go into any relationship but is absolutely terrifying when the person has already shown once that they aren't willing to do that.

 

I'm sorry if this sounds preachy or anything - i don't mean it that way at all. I hope that if you are truly genuine in what you're saying that you can find a way to gain her trust back.

[101NEO]

she broke it off with me just to clarify

[Cioriel]

Oh, okay...wow, I'm sorry. I thought when you said you yelled her and you guys broke up it was because you had ended it.

 

My initial advice doesn't really change - she still needs to hear that she can trust you and especially that what happened (you yelling at her in public and just getting to the point where that would even happen) won't happen again. I think it comes down to making sure you guys talk about and resolve those issues before it gets to that point again because it honestly shouldn't get there. Fights happen and yelling happens, but yelling at your significant other in public goes beyond normal fighting and arguing. What she needs more than ever is to know that she can trust you.

[101NEO]

I know and you are very right. I really appreciate you commenting on my situation.

 

But how do you do that? how do you regain that trust? i know that i violated it severely.

 

I miss her so much it hurts. what hurts more is that i know that i hurt her. and i wasn't trying to hurt her but i did. it was a bad move on my behalf. after reflecting on it and talking to the therapist, i'm more sorry now than i was at the time when it happened.

 

i would give anything for us to take the time to work it out. anything...

 

so how do i do it? what's the best approach? I'm assuming that you are a female, what would you want to hear or see?

[capuchin8]

Have you suggested couples therapy to her? Maybe with a litttle professional help and you showing that you are willing to do this, she will have more faith in things working out. You need to work to restore her trust in things working out. Ask her questions about what you should do and if she has trouble communicating ask her yes/no questions which are simpler for her to respond to. Then try to show every day that you are applying her suggestions. Be patient as restoring trust takes time. I was engaged about year ago and me and my bf are still together, but things regarding the engagement were tough to get over.

[101NEO]

so you are saying i should ask her to tell me how to make her feel like she doesn't have to worry about it? what if she doesn't know that answer? one thing i have learned with women is if you try to hard you almost push them back a little... that's the last thing i want to do.

 

we are going out tonight to see the simpsons movie. do i even bring it up or do i just let us have fun together without talking about relationship stuff?

[Cioriel]

It's tough to know when to bring this stuff up - I always relied on my gut and if I felt like I would be able to calmly say what I wanted to but be prepared if he wasn't ready to discuss things right then.

 

I agree w/ the counseling. As far as how to gain back trust, it takes time and all you can do now is get the ball rolling enough for her to think that it might be possible for her to trust you completely again at some point. It sounds like you were right in saying that communication was your guys's biggest issue - maybe really explore what those specific issues were. You said she didn't communicate enough and you didn't respect what she said enough....are there any other issues? Were you able to effectively communicate to her? Maybe you had a hard time actually listening to what she said when she did try to tell you things or got too defensive if she tried sharing problems? Ultimately it sounds like things got to a really extreme point where you kind of snapped and both of you realized that you had gotten to a point beyond repair at that moment.

 

counseling sounds like a good idea and I think it's a great idea to let her know that you have gone and share w/ her what you have learned. If you think it would be helpful for both of you to go together or for both of you to go separately then suggest that. It will not only give her a sense of security that both of you will get help to resolve your individual issues but also let her know that you really want to work on the problems you have had together. She needs to see progress and evidence that things will not turn out the way they did last time.

 

Let us know what ends up happening tonight and whether you talk to her or just have a good night out w/ each other.

[101NEO]

grrrrrr.....

 

she just sent me an instant message saying "i need to talk to you can you call me"

 

i talked to her for about 45 minutes. the conversation opened up with her saying "i don't think we should talk anymore."

 

instantly my heart dropped.

 

she went to dinner with her friends last night. one of them and i have always had a good relationship together. last week sometime i was out and about and noticed that i was close to her new house. so I called her and said hey i'm right down the block want some company. we hung out and she started asking questions about me and lindsay.

 

i at first didn't really want to talk about it but after a few questions i cracked and engaged in conversation with her about lindsay and my issues.

 

she ended up going back to lindsay and telling her stuff that i said but she exxagerated a whole bunch. she told her that she thinks that i'm sincere and genuine and really want to work it out, but she also said that she thinks i'm manipulating lindsay.

 

lindsay says to me "i don't want this to be a situation where you are just saying anything to keep us talking and all the while i'm falling victim to your tactics"... now this shows me one of two things. first is the positive side of things. it shows me that the communication i have been giving to her has really made her think about it and she has been really thinking about giving it a try. the down side is that i now know that her friends aren't actually my friends too. that sux.

 

now trust is even further away from me... GRR....

[bish]

Well I read your story on the other thread about how she would show up without your engagement ring on. Why do you think that is? Because she wants to let other guys know she isn't taken.

 

And the fact that she flirted with a guy that flirted with her right in front of you throws up red flags to me.

 

Sure, you didn't handle it in the most mature manner, but you were right to be upset over her actions.

 

maybe you should just think about moving on and not waste your time with her. Looks to me like she isn't wanting to commit...so make up her mind for her and move on.

[101NEO]

well that's an easy conclusion to jump to without knowing the realtionship.

 

we were very liberal about each other talking to other guys/girls we never really cared as long as we were coming home to each other. neither of us are very jealous in any way.

 

and oh ya. i odn't know if we are going to the movie anymore tonight...

[101NEO]

ok so here's the update.

 

she called me after she got out of work and cancelled our talk. clearly this really upset me.

 

I knew she went after work to go and get her nails done. i stormed out of the house and drove there as fast as i could. she was expecting me to blow up at her and start a whole huge fight with her. but i knew that this was my first opportunity to show her that things are going to be different. so i went and sat down with her while her nails were drying and just calmly talked to her. i told her that i'm sorry for hurting her and that i know i betrayed her trust. she was completely taken back by the way the conversation went down and was instantly disarmed by the way i handled the situation.

 

we left the nail salon and sat in the parking lot for an hour or so talking. i told her that all i wanted from her is to take whatever faith she has left. scoop it all into a pile and to hold it as close to her heart as possible and let me make it grow. her response was "if you ever hurt me again i'm going to kill you" while she had a smile on her face.

 

so we agreed to take it slow. we're not together but we are going to try to spend more time together and have some fun and stop talking all the time about serious stuff. at this point we've both pretty much put everything out on the table and it's time to start living it. on top of that talking about it all the time is getting old.

 

so what started out as a bad day ended up being a very good day. i kissed her before i left and she made a slight sort of sigh followed by saying "hmmm... i haven't felt that in a long time". i asked if she liked it and she said "of course i did" so i kissed her again and thanked her for giving me a chance no matter how small it is. i know that this is a huge step for her, and i appreciate it so much.

 

let's just hope her mind doesn't change.