Starting over?

[frd150]

I have posted my story in a couple of different places.

 

In a nutshell we split over communication barrier in our relationship. I /We have learned alot especially in the last few days about what went wrong alot was talked about and still needs to be talked about if this is going to work.

 

We agreed to start out from the begining. I was reluctant because of my feelings for her but as i later found out i am being given an opportunity that she has not EVER given anyone else. It is my turn to show the initiative that she was showing all along in the relationship. She needs to feel comfortable again so i know i have to take it slow and easy but it needs to start now,go figure. I understand her skepticism.

 

I guess my question is how do i make this opportunity work, how do i take the initiative that she wants without seeming over the top. I want her to feel comfortable and not un easy.

 

Friends have suggested double dates at first to ease into things. I am told not to wait though as this may be a sign to her that i am not serious about reconciliation.

 

 

Anyone been through this? Any suggestions?

[Faith2]

Repairing a relationship is fragile work. Even though you may both say you're starting fresh, a new beginning, etc., the truth is that you will still bring in the issues that weren't resolved the last time around.

 

I believe that's why so many second chances often fail.

 

But there's hope. If you're brave enough and sincere enough, go together to see a couples counselor a few times. Couples counseling is not just for married couples, it's for any couple who want to make things right in order for a second chance to work.

[frd150]

Repairing a relationship is fragile work. Even though you may both say you're starting fresh, a new beginning, etc., the truth is that you will still bring in the issues that weren't resolved the last time around.

 

I believe that's why so many second chances often fail.

 

But there's hope. If you're brave enough and sincere enough, go together to see a couples counselor a few times. Couples counseling is not just for married couples, it's for any couple who want to make things right in order for a second chance to work.[/

quote]

 

I have thought about this. I keep wondering how and to suggest this. There is still a bit of a wall up on her end, understandibly but i think that she may be peeking over it a bit.

[CaliGuy]

Communication is key. You have to have open, honest dialog about what went wrong in the past. No one person is 100% at fault. Don't place blame, just agree where you can, accept fault where you are wrong (both of you) and you both must be willing to put in 100% into the relationship. That doesn't mean going overboard, that just means that you need to communicate what you expect and agree on a timeline.

 

Remember the issues that caused road blocks in the past and earnestly strive to resolve those issues and not repeat them.

 

After all, the definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over again, expecting different results each time.

 

What are you BOTH going to do differently?

[Trialbyfire]

No matter how it happens, learn to identify and avoid old negative patterns whether it's either or both of you. If you notice one happening, try to correct it immediately. If it's not you, identify it to her in a manner that's not accusatory or confrontational. She also needs to learn.

[Faith2]

Communication is key. You have to have open, honest dialog about what went wrong in the past. No one person is 100% at fault. Don't place blame, just agree where you can, accept fault where you are wrong (both of you) and you both must be willing to put in 100% into the relationship. That doesn't mean going overboard, that just means that you need to communicate what you expect and agree on a timeline.

 

Remember the issues that caused road blocks in the past and earnestly strive to resolve those issues and not repeat them.

 

After all, the definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over again, expecting different results each time.

 

What are you BOTH going to do differently?

 

Precisely, CG. This is why couples counseling is so valuable - it gives the couples a SAFE context to bring up these issues and openly discuss them and work on them.

 

Otherwise, if a couple tries to work it out on their own, old feelings suppressed far below the surface may erupt and ruin everything.

 

Really, I strongly recommend counseling for any couple entering into a second chance.

[frd150]

Communication is key. You have to have open, honest dialog about what went wrong in the past. No one person is 100% at fault. Don't place blame, just agree where you can, accept fault where you are wrong (both of you) and you both must be willing to put in 100% into the relationship. That doesn't mean going overboard, that just means that you need to communicate what you expect and agree on a timeline.

 

Remember the issues that caused road blocks in the past and earnestly strive to resolve those issues and not repeat them.

 

After all, the definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over again, expecting different results each time.

 

What are you BOTH going to do differently?[/

 

I think for starters, communicating our wants and needs more openly. We both admitted to some insecurities that were plaguing the relationship. Turns out we both in reality were not bothered by these flaws. It was almost like WOW why did we not talk about this before.

[dr strangelove]

Look I know im not CALIGUY coming down from his roost high atop mount NoContactAlympus

but ive actually got women back before.. (uh...)

 

You should just concentrate on making the date romantic and fun.. find a way to leave her wanting more...

 

After all that is why you want to spend time together.. if you want to seek out counselling perhaps check it out on your own.

 

hmm ya probably this doesnt make any sense because its not written in a clinical textbook fashion

[CaliGuy]

Look I know im not CALIGUY coming down from his roost atop mount N.C.

but ive actually got women back before

 

You should just concentrate on making the date romantic and fun.. find a way to leave her wanting more...

 

After all that is why you want to spend time together.. if you want to seek out counselling perhaps check it out on your own.

 

hmm ya probably this doesnt make any sense because its not written in a clinical textbook fashion

 

It should be noted, I have never claimed to be the king of NC, nor do I understand what that has to do with my advice above.

[Faith2]

Aw come on... I thought "Mount NC" was funny. I'm perched up on that mountain myself, but I gotta admit the air is pretty thin up here.

 

Anyway, back on topic...

I agree with Dr. S - Focus on rebuilding fun and romance first before you launch into the heavy stuff.

[CaliGuy]

Aw come on... I thought "Mount NC" was funny. I'm perched up on that mountain myself, but I gotta admit the air is pretty thin up here.

 

Anyway, back on topic...

I agree with Dr. S - Focus on rebuilding fun and romance first before you launch into the heavy stuff.

 

Nah, I'm not that stiff. There are times when I believe contact or LC is necessary. It's just discerning when those times are appropriate that's the tricky part.

[frd150]

Another question i have is when the say "you can't teach an old dog new tricks"

 

Well, how do you convince them otherwise? I mean i have definitly learned alot of new tricks so to speak.

 

I have a whole new appreatiation for her, our relationship and all those around me.

[Faith2]

Another question i have is when the say "you can't teach an old dog new tricks"

 

Well, how do you convince them otherwise? I mean i have definitly learned alot of new tricks so to speak.

 

I have a whole new appreatiation for her, our relationship and all those around me.

 

Here's a new saying you can use to convince "them"... from Charles Darwin:

 

"It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent; it is the one that is most adaptable to change."

 

[frd150]

Here's a new saying you can use to convince "them"... from Charles Darwin:

 

"It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent; it is the one that is most adaptable to change."

 

 

I remember that one. Never thought it would be so relavant to me.

 

I will try and remember it.

 

Thanks

[frd150]

Communication is key. You have to have open, honest dialog about what went wrong in the past. No one person is 100% at fault. Don't place blame, just agree where you can, accept fault where you are wrong (both of you) and you both must be willing to put in 100% into the relationship. That doesn't mean going overboard, that just means that you need to communicate what you expect and agree on a timeline.

 

Remember the issues that caused road blocks in the past and earnestly strive to resolve those issues and not repeat them.

 

After all, the definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over again, expecting different results each time.

 

What are you BOTH going to do differently?

 

This past weeekend we really began to identify what went wrong. There were things that were issues that i never knew about and vice versa. Belive me i do not want to repeat the same mstakes but at the same time i/we are not perfect and some learning will have to take place.

 

 

The wall is still there. It may take a little time to get through it. I am sincere in my efforts so this brings me to my next question...

 

She is very protective of herself right now which is understandable but it creates an awkwardness. How should i deal with this. I know it exists since she is strong with me but emotional with others about the situation. I want to nip this in the but now but i do not want to bee to pushy but if i do not then i run the risk of seeming un careing i mean where is the line ?Right now i feel like i am dammed if i do and dammed if i don't.

 

This is all so confusing.

 

You guys have obviously been thru more of this than me. Maybe not.

[CaliGuy]

The wall is still there. It may take a little time to get through it. I am sincere in my efforts so this brings me to my next question...

 

She is very protective of herself right now which is understandable but it creates an awkwardness. How should i deal with this. I know it exists since she is strong with me but emotional with others about the situation. I want to nip this in the but now but i do not want to bee to pushy but if i do not then i run the risk of seeming un careing i mean where is the line ?Right now i feel like i am dammed if i do and dammed if i don't.

 

This is all so confusing.

 

You guys have obviously been thru more of this than me. Maybe not.

 

Go slow. That's all I can say to you. Don't be in a rush to fix things because only time together will rebuild the trust and confidence you once shared. Listen to her, communicate as much as you can (without putting her on a witness stand), learn when it's ok to ask and when you should remain silent.

 

Whatever you do, try and work on making things fun. Work on the things you didn't do right the first time so that she feels loved, valued, respected and appreciated. But don't do it in a door-mat kind of fashion either. Just be confident, self-assured, etc and pay attention to her needs.

 

And don't forget yours in the process. You should have clear boundaries as well.

[frd150]

Go slow. That's all I can say to you. Don't be in a rush to fix things because only time together will rebuild the trust and confidence you once shared. Listen to her, communicate as much as you can (without putting her on a witness stand), learn when it's ok to ask and when you should remain silent.

 

Whatever you do, try and work on making things fun. Work on the things you didn't do right the first time so that she feels loved, valued, respected and appreciated. But don't do it in a door-mat kind of fashion either. Just be confident, self-assured, etc and pay attention to her needs.

 

And don't forget yours in the process. You should have clear boundaries as well.

 

Hey Caliguy,

 

Your probably thinking,"how may ways do i have to explain it to this guy"?

 

Well, sorry i am new.

 

If she is waiting for me then how and when do i start. As i said before friends have suggested double dates but she is very busy right now and scheduals are conflicting. I know the comfort level is increased in these situations but i fear that if i wait for double date opportunities she could see this as me waiting around again. You know same ol' nothings changed.

I thought about lunch tommorrow but is this too soon for a one on one after our big talk over the weekend?

 

We are both going to be with our families over the weekend so no opportunity there. I am looking forward to courting her again but i am trying to figure out where to start.

 

Sure, i am probably overthinking this but things are so fragile between us right now that i do not want to mess up. I feel like i am sort of on a interview for the job of a lifetime. Either riches or the poor house.

 

I see things so different and i just want to show her without making her suspicious.

[CaliGuy]

Hey Caliguy,

 

Your probably thinking,"how may ways do i have to explain it to this guy"?

 

Well, sorry i am new.

 

If she is waiting for me then how and when do i start. As i said before friends have suggested double dates but she is very busy right now and scheduals are conflicting. I know the comfort level is increased in these situations but i fear that if i wait for double date opportunities she could see this as me waiting around again. You know same ol' nothings changed.

I thought about lunch tommorrow but is this too soon for a one on one after our big talk over the weekend?

 

We are both going to be with our families over the weekend so no opportunity there. I am looking forward to courting her again but i am trying to figure out where to start.

 

Sure, i am probably overthinking this but things are so fragile between us right now that i do not want to mess up. I feel like i am sort of on a interview for the job of a lifetime. Either riches or the poor house.

 

I see things so different and i just want to show her without making her suspicious.

 

Drop her an email saying something like "I'm having lunch here at 12:00 if you want to join me." Say it in a way that she knows she can come along if she chooses. Then if she does join you, that would give you an opportunity to clear up some expectations for the both of you.

 

Bottom line is at some point in time you have to sit down and discuss what it is that you both want and make sure you're on the same page.

[dr strangelove]

Dude ...

 

ah never mind

 

look just hang out with her if possible.. but make it enjoyable ie dont talk about relationship crap

 

guess what?

 

do you know what?

 

she will mention it when she is ready...

 

I cant believe half of the posts on here

 

"well I broke up with my ex but she calls me all the time.. do you think she likes me?

 

gee.. no she hates you..

 

oh brother..

 

Heres another thing

if you feel too nervous then just dont go..

 

U know what

 

im kind of curious what happens exactly in these conversations you have with her..

and if she still calls every day or a few times a day...

 

Heres something a real bright idea

ever think of perhaps suggesting to her something she likes to do that u are not to fond of or asking her what things she likes etc.. ?

 

ah what the hell do I know

[frd150]

Dude ...

 

ah never mind

 

look just hang out with her if possible.. but make it enjoyable ie dont talk about relationship crap

 

guess what?

 

do you know what?

 

she will mention it when she is ready...

 

I cant believe half of the posts on here

 

"well I broke up with my ex but she calls me all the time.. do you think she likes me?

 

gee.. no she hates you..

 

oh brother..

 

Heres another thing

if you feel too nervous then just dont go..

 

U know what

 

im kind of curious what happens exactly in these conversations you have with her..

and if she still calls every day or a few times a day...

 

Heres something a real bright idea

ever think of perhaps suggesting to her something she likes to do that u are not to fond of or asking her what things she likes etc.. ?

 

ah what the hell do I know

 

Hey Doc.

 

I apprecieate your opinions. They put a smile on my face:) .

 

Yeah the last thing i want to do is be a bump on a log when i do get to see her.I Want her to feel comfortable around me again.

 

She still calls which is not her usual M.O. during a break up. Thats something. Could be worse.

 

 

If your wondering if the conversations center around Why,Why, I'm so sad without you,etc. there not.We have the types of conversations that we should have had when we were together. How our day was what we are both up to whats going on with friends and family if there is somthing is wrong with either one of us we will try to help each other solve it. Like "Friends".

 

We should of been more like this when she was living with me.

 

There were a few things that i did not like to do and looking back they were not all that bad. I am such a dumb A*s. I would happily do any of those things now and enjoy it!

 

She will be in N.Y.C. on business soon maybe you can meet up with her and talk some sense into her. Wait, she's pretty hot that may not be a good idea:D .