no contact and recovering from being dumped

[bchlvr]

It might be helpful to compare recovering from "being dumped" and using "no contact" to the process of recuperating from major surgery. Anyone who has been through surgery knows that the pain in the beginning can be very acute, such that most of one’s energy is taken up coping with pain and anticipating moments of relief (the next time you can push the morphine button!).

 

And then there is that unrelenting itch as a scar starts to form and heal. Perhaps in our case, that itch is the powerful urge to call, text message, e-mail, drop by, crash the party, parachute in... etc.

 

And no wonder that urge is there. We've suddenly found ourselves in a state of disequilibrium with the shocking news that "this relationship is over." Part of who we are, how we see the world, our hopes and expectations for the present and future must suddenly take a new course. So it would make sense to want so badly to reconnect with the person who ended things. And one reason is that we want our equilibrium back!

 

So just as with a scar that’s trying to heal, or poison ivy, we know what to do to ultimately feel better: "don’t scratch leave it alone!"

I think of no contact" to mean, "don’t scratch..... leave it alone."

In other words, giving us room without hinderance to heal.

 

I think that just like physical recovery, the process of healing after such a loss works from the inside out. You can't always see the process at work and recovering often takes surprisingly longer than what we would expect and hope for. In a world where we have instant access to most everything, shouldn’t ameliorating the pain from a significant emotional loss be instant as well? And when that doesn’t happen, it is easy to despair.

 

It is natural to assume that making contact will reduce some of our despair, vulnerability, restore our sense of stability, help us feel empowered. And maybe sometimes it will. Having the opportunity to get some things off my chest with my ex immediately after our break up was very self affirming and enabled me to feel less victimized. But continuing on that course of trying to re- connect would only have hindered the process.

 

"No contact" is the thing that has helped me the most to feel the most empowered when I’ve been overwhelmed with disbelief, disequilibrium and disarray. I attribute a good measure of recuperating to sticking with NC and reading the posts on LS. Every time I’ve felt the serious urge to call or e-mail, I’ve logged onto LS instead and it has helped me refrain from dialing one more day. No contact (three months now) has gotten me to the point where my ex is less of a force in my life day to day, but were I to make contact it would arouse a flood of emotions and set me back from being able to detach.

 

I still struggle with thoughts of my ex and ruminating over the details of our relationship, but I’ve been able to tolerate the pain better which now feels more like an dull ache. I am able to enjoy things in my life again as well.

I just wanted to say how much I appreciate that LS exists as a supportive forum. People are very generous and thoughtful. There is a lot of collective wisdom here which is truly a blessing.

[johnnytable]

Wonderful post! You are clearly in a great spot. This is what healing is about and your expectations seem to be spot on. I also believe that staying in contact really messes the process up.

 

This dull ache will go away when you find somebody new, and you are probably about ready for that. (BTW I think that being with somebody new while still in the early healing process actually makes things worse).

[Mollyanna]

And then there is that unrelenting itch as a scar starts to form and heal. Perhaps in our case, that itch is the powerful urge to call, text message, e-mail, drop by, crash the party, parachute in... etc.

damn, parachuting in.... I never thought of that. great... NC will be even more difficult now that I know another way I can get his attention....

[ImmaBeAlright]

It might be helpful to compare recovering from "being dumped" and using "no contact" to the process of recuperating from major surgery. Anyone who has been through surgery knows that the pain in the beginning can be very acute, such that most of one’s energy is taken up coping with pain and anticipating moments of relief (the next time you can push the morphine button!).

 

And then there is that unrelenting itch as a scar starts to form and heal. Perhaps in our case, that itch is the powerful urge to call, text message, e-mail, drop by, crash the party, parachute in... etc.

 

And no wonder that urge is there. We've suddenly found ourselves in a state of disequilibrium with the shocking news that "this relationship is over." Part of who we are, how we see the world, our hopes and expectations for the present and future must suddenly take a new course. So it would make sense to want so badly to reconnect with the person who ended things. And one reason is that we want our equilibrium back!

 

So just as with a scar that’s trying to heal, or poison ivy, we know what to do to ultimately feel better: "don’t scratch leave it alone!"

I think of no contact" to mean, "don’t scratch..... leave it alone."

In other words, giving us room without hinderance to heal.

 

I think that just like physical recovery, the process of healing after such a loss works from the inside out. You can't always see the process at work and recovering often takes surprisingly longer than what we would expect and hope for. In a world where we have instant access to most everything, shouldn’t ameliorating the pain from a significant emotional loss be instant as well? And when that doesn’t happen, it is easy to despair.

 

It is natural to assume that making contact will reduce some of our despair, vulnerability, restore our sense of stability, help us feel empowered. And maybe sometimes it will. Having the opportunity to get some things off my chest with my ex immediately after our break up was very self affirming and enabled me to feel less victimized. But continuing on that course of trying to re- connect would only have hindered the process.

 

"No contact" is the thing that has helped me the most to feel the most empowered when I’ve been overwhelmed with disbelief, disequilibrium and disarray. I attribute a good measure of recuperating to sticking with NC and reading the posts on LS. Every time I’ve felt the serious urge to call or e-mail, I’ve logged onto LS instead and it has helped me refrain from dialing one more day. No contact (three months now) has gotten me to the point where my ex is less of a force in my life day to day, but were I to make contact it would arouse a flood of emotions and set me back from being able to detach.

 

I still struggle with thoughts of my ex and ruminating over the details of our relationship, but I’ve been able to tolerate the pain better which now feels more like an dull ache. I am able to enjoy things in my life again as well.

I just wanted to say how much I appreciate that LS exists as a supportive forum. People are very generous and thoughtful. There is a lot of collective wisdom here which is truly a blessing.

 

 

Very good post. I especially love the surgery anology.

[morphius]

yup, Top post m8.

 

Morph

[InaPanic]

I attempted NC on the 18th thru an email & then broke over yesterday & PM'd him to see if he'd read it!! So now I'm back to square one & it feels harder than it did before. Because now I feel like a pathetic door mat because i had sent the NC email but by PM'ing him I let him know I still wanted to communicate because we chatted for 30 minutes. Today has been extremely hard for me. I am on day #1 again & it's not even 5pm. I just keep telling myself if I can make it 1 day I can make it 2 days & then 3 days & then maybe it will be a little easier.

I have had no surgery in my life but I also have not had the pain I am trying to deal with now. I've also never been addicted to drugs or alcohol but trying to have NC to me is what it must be to fiend for those things & not be able to have them. He was an addiction & I am in withdrawal.

[JohnHesse]

I attempted NC on the 18th thru an email & then broke over yesterday & PM'd him to see if he'd read it!! So now I'm back to square one & it feels harder than it did before. Because now I feel like a pathetic door mat because i had sent the NC email but by PM'ing him I let him know I still wanted to communicate because we chatted for 30 minutes. Today has been extremely hard for me. I am on day #1 again & it's not even 5pm. I just keep telling myself if I can make it 1 day I can make it 2 days & then 3 days & then maybe it will be a little easier.

I have had no surgery in my life but I also have not had the pain I am trying to deal with now. I've also never been addicted to drugs or alcohol but trying to have NC to me is what it must be to fiend for those things & not be able to have them. He was an addiction & I am in withdrawal.

 

Inapanic - i definitely agree with you in that it was so much harder if you contact your ex. my ex initiated the first contact with me (i think she just wanted to know how i was doing / what i've been up to), but of course it set my hopes up again, to be further dashed in finding out she has a new bf. it felt alot worse for me the second time around, perhaps because it felt so much more final...

[bchlvr]

In a Panic: You had a slip, but the good news is that you have clarity about the consequence of having contact right now. You "get" how no contact helps you, even though it's painful. You feel the effects of breaking nc right now. It sounds as though you learned a lot from this incident: It feels like a setback, you were disappointed, contact did not give you a sense of relief, it was painful.

 

Try not to see this experience as a failure, but a learning experience...you took an uncalculated risk and found that it is ultimately less painful to get through day one, day two, day three. At least with nc, you know what you are dealing with. Making contact when you are still in that vulnerable place means risking taking a huge hit to the strength and bits of stability you have mustered so far.

 

You are capable of maintaining no contact. What kind of supports do you need to keep you from pushing the "send" button next time?

[InaPanic]

bchlvr, when I made contact on the 19th, i didn't hate myself at first. I guess I had that 'high' from having contact with my addiction (which is what he is). It only lasted a few hours & then of course I realized nothing had changed, he isn't wanting to go back to what we were & his feelings have obviously subsided. He's calling it a 'break' but in reality it's not. It is hard to wake up & realize it's over & you won't be hearing from this person but It's so much harder waking up & wondering IF you are going to get an email or a phone call. I'm only on day #2 now but I have to keep this up. If I go two weeks & then make contact I have a feeling I will be back to square one all over again.

[jgaz3124]

This whole NC thing is hard but hey I have to do it. I kept trying to call him and send him texts for a week and half and he was responding but not that much then finally I broke down 3 nights ago and left a voice mail that I wanted him back and if we could have a second chance. He didn't call me back that night but the next day him left me a text saying and I quote "Julie I don't want to be with you. Sorry." Well that was like a punch in the gut but hey I am not going to force him to be with me nor do i want to be with someone who does not want to be with me. So I have decided that I would move on and not call him. Yes its hard but so far I have not and I feel better knowing that I can and well move on but calling him only makes me feel like a failure and I end up hating myself afterward. I cry everyday but I know that it is all part of the healing process and calling him will just set me back. So yes NC is a good way to go.

[InaPanic]

jgaz, that is a hard text to get i'm sure. Especially when your self-esteem is already on thin ice. I know if I keep up trying to contact it's going to come to a full fledged dump. So that is why I tried to send the NC email so I felt like I had some control over it. But by PM'ing him it just made me look weak again, which I was. So now I am trying to be strong & not do it because he may end up just telling me to stop it & leave him alone & then I will be even more bottomed out from humiliation. He's saying we need to take a break & see how we feel after that. I need to work on getting over him & working on my marriage. So I just have to convince myself that NC is what HAS to be done whether it's what I truly want or not.

[jgaz3124]

It was a hard text message to get. But in a way it freed me. It still hurts and will for awhile but now whenever I think of contacting him I just think of that message and go and do something else.