I don't even know what I'm doing . . .

[the_alchemyst]

I really don't.

 

It has been 2 weeks since me and my exbf broke up. I have not heard from him since, but I did see him last Monday while I was out driving. I can't say for sure that he saw me, although I think he did. The only thing that is certain is that nothing was said between us.

 

Some days ago I posted saying that I was going to email him, but KM told me to wait a bit, and I did; I still haven't emailed him. In fact, I have not tried to contact him in any way. The only reason why I wanted to email him was not because I was expecting a responce, but because in all honesty, I wan't to be with him again. Thus, I figured that by emailing him with whatever so as to let him know I'm "not angry," I would be leaving the door slightly open for him, in case he decides to return. If he does, then we will see if we both want to try it again.

 

I don't want to just let it end the way it did: he seemed so frustruated that night--just annoyed. We have known each other for so long that and ending like that seems . . . inproper. At least, I want to end in "good terms," meaning that we both say our farewells and never see each other again, if that is how it has to be. This just seemed like an anger act. I guess that even if we don't get back together, I wan't to see him one last time because there are so many things that were left unsaid, and I don't want it to be this way. Plus, if we really are not going to get back together, I want to return his everything; I don't want anything that reminds me of him in my house.

 

But I haven't done anything. I haven't tried to contact him at all, and to be honest, it is not because I'm trying to be tough, but because I'm too scared to do so. I feel tempted to look at his webpage, but I don't because I am scared of what I will see, not because I don't care, and so I don't. I keep telling myself to write that email, but I never do because part of me doesn't want to contact him (I know this is contradictory--while I wan't to contact him to let him know I'm not angry, at the same time I don't wat to contact him because I feel that he should contact me, if this makes any sense), and also because I don't even know what to say, really. But all in all, I think I have avoided it because I'm just scared.

 

My friends say that it's good that I'm "toughening up" by not contacting him, yet I know this isn't toughness at all--it's fear.

 

I miss him SO much, but I don't know what the hell it is that I'm doing--days are passing by and I'm not doing anything to get him back or to even let him know I'm still around. I really want to just fix this, but I don't think I can and I'm too scared to try, anyway. So, I just feel like I'm just letting go out of fear and not resignation, which I think is not right . . . oh, I'm confused.

[KittenMoon]

Wow Alchemyst, wish I knew what to say. I don't know your guy so it's hard. I followed a path for my guy, and it turned out... unusual if you've read my more recent threads.

 

Maybe you should write a letter and tell him all those things- that you want to say goodbye on good terms, want to return his stuff if this is over for good, etc. Write it, wait a bit, rewrite, wait a bit, rewrite again. Don't be hasty- don't just send it out. The letters I wrote my ex were full of the stuff I wanted to say, but there was a heavy emotional haze over a lot of it I'm not sure he'll be able to understand through.

 

But don't apologize. One of my biggest mistakes I think is I kept saying to him in the course of the break-up, "it's ok, it's ok" when it most certainly was not! If you let him know anything, let him know you are NOT happy with how this went but you have to choice but to accept his decision (and be prepared for him to be a jerk about this point, probably saying "yeah, this is how it is, get over it!)

 

Our exes sound very similar and my ex put up an angry, annoyed wall that recently has at least partially been crumbling. While I'm not saying it will change the situation, it's possible by seeing you or seeing you want to create a more controlled "good-bye" situtation, he might at least become emotional as he realizes the reality of what is happening.

 

But above all, liek EVERYONE on this site says, take care of yourself above all. It's working for me, slowly but surely. I'm at the six week point, so let it happen.