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No Contact Q&A (for you LS newbies)


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

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Old 6th February 2006, 10:14 PM   #1
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No Contact Q&A (for you LS newbies)

Q. What is no contact.
A. No contact is just that. It's breaking all ties to your ex.

Q. What is no contact for?
A. No contact is meant as the quickest means for you to heal.

Q. If I implement NC will I get my ex back?
A. Probably not, but that's not what NC is meant for. Yes, absence makes the heart grow fonder, but if you're banking on NC as a way to manipulate your ex back into your life you are in for a rude awakening.

Q. What should I be doing to implement NC?
A. Absolutely cutting all ties to your ex. That means no calls, emails, text/sms, IM's - nothing. You need to vanish completely from their life and in the process, make them disappear from yours. In addition, get rid of their phone number, emails and email address, remove all the pictures/photos/memories/gifts. Anything that reminds you of the ex should be boxed up and put in a safe place out of daily view and easy reach.

Q. What should I be doing during NC?
A. First off, allow the grieving process to happen naturally. You need to grieve a loss, but don't dwell on it. Hang out with your friends, immerse yourself in a new hobby and start working out. Working out is especially useful because not only does it release endorphins which help make you feel better but you'll start looking your best which will help you attract someone new. If you need Counseling, by all means go.

Q. I don't want to implement NC because I don't want to lose him/her.
A. Unfortunately you already have. Clinging on to them or the hope you'll get them back will only keep you down longer. Additionally, the natural reaction of any Ex when you cling on to them is for them to literally spring in the other direction. If you do have any chance of a reconciliation, your best bet is to leave them alone and forget about them.

Q. My ex wants to be friends, is this a good idea?
A. No, not if you are still in love with them. For the most part Ex's will keep you as a friend so they have a 'back up plan' in case things fail with the new love of their life. Ask yourself if you're happy being #2 in someone's life. If so, more power to you. But if you respect yourself and have healthy self-esteem you'll never settle for being left hanging on a string. All it will do is keep you clinging to the false hope of getting back with your ex, keep you down in the dumps much longer than you should be and ruin any chance you have of meeting someone new. So hey, if you want to be miserable, go ahead and be good buddies with your ex.

Q. I can't resist the urge to contact my ex! What should I do??
A. If you've deleted all their contact info yet still remember how to reach them, call a friend instead. Go work out. Take a bike ride. Go for a jog. Do something to occupy your mind. Get out, don't sit around the house pining for your Ex. Rest assured they are not sitting around with their new love wondering why you aren't calling them.

Q. How long should I wait to contact my ex.
A. Never be the first to contact your ex. If you need something back, ask a friend to go get it for you. If you have kids together, NC is almost impossible. The best thing to do is keep whatever contact you must have to a minimum. Don't argue with them, don't ask for a second chance, don't beg them to take you back. Just be very polite and business-like. You thank yourself later for being the bigger person. Additionally the best way to make someone see they're being an a**hole is to not be one in retaliation. Let them vent and just be quiet. Sooner, rather than later, it'll hit them that they're being absolutely childish and you'll come out smelling like a rose.

Q. I've been on NC for some time and my Ex just contacted me, what do I do?
A. The question is why are they contacting you? If it's just to get something back, box up their stuff and have a friend give it to them. No need to reply. No matter what, don't contact them back right away. Don't answer if they call. Show them you have a life and you don't need them in it. Yes, it's kind of a game but a necessary evil. I know a lot of people might disagree with me on this, but I'm a skeptic. I want to know why the ex is contacting me. If they are having doubts, they will make it clear. If you respond to them, be sure to take a day or two to do so. This will give you time to think clearly about what you want to say. When you reply, make sure that it's polite and to the point. Don't make any small talk. Don't bring up the past (big no no). Don't volunteer any information about yourself. Be the first to end the conversation. Do be happy, do smile inside (CBT) and know that you'll be fine. Trust me, if your ex wants you back nothing will stop them from getting in touch with you. And this is ideally what you want. You want them to initiate the contact because it will be their heart that has changed.

Q. What happens if I break NC?
A. You'll end up right back to square one and have to start all over. Don't believe me? Read through some of the 'I broke NC' threads. Trust me, while you are on NC with them and they are with someone else, you don't want to know how they are doing. You don't want to hear how happy they are. As "No Foolin" says, you can't handle what they have to say.

Q. What if I see them in public?
A. Read No Foolin's thread on NC (in my signature file). Bottom line, avoid contact with them at all cost. If you can't, just be polite and smile and wave if they wave at you. If they want to talk, remember the rule. No small talk, no information. You're doing great without them, even if you aren't.

Q. What if my Ex never contacts me?
A. Then it was never meant to be. Consider yourself lucky and smart enough to realize the sooner you implemented NC and got on with your life the sooner you can meet the right person for you. That's really what this whole no contact deal is all about.

Realize that none of us are immune to heartbreak. Consider each relationship as a lesson life teaches us that we carry on to the next relationship. What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger. That's what NC does. It allows you to reflect on your past mistakes and grow as a person. Each time you fail in a relationship you gain invaluable knowledge that will aid you in the next.

Men say women are like buses, there is always another one coming around the corner. It's the same for women too. There will be someone else, I guarantee you that. The sooner you cut ties with the ex, healed yourself up, improved where you can and have imbedded the lessons of your past the better off you'll be for someone else.

Above all, never tell yourself "I'm not good enough, no one loves me, blah blah blah." That's a self-defeatist attitude and kills your confidence and self-esteem. You are plenty good enough and someone will love you. You just have to be happy with who you are. Be the best you you can be.

Every step forward you make is one step closer to meeting the person of your dreams. It will likely happen as soon as you have decided you respect yourself enough to take back your personal power. The power you give to your Ex every moment you spend thinking about them, wishing they would call or clinging on to them. Take back control of your life by vowing to move on. To accept what has happened. To let go compeltely.

To be free to love again.
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The No Contact Guide
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Old 6th February 2006, 11:41 PM   #2
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wow, I cant stop thanking you today. Did you go out with the same girl? You answered ever question I've had. Thank you again
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Old 7th February 2006, 1:03 AM   #3
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CaliGuy,

S-U-P-E-R-B Post!!!

I'm going to copy the link and spread it around, wherever, whenever it's needed.

And, by the way, -I just want to reinforce something for a certain really sweet, intelligent guy I have seen come a long, long way over the last couple of months: you!

You have not only taken huge strides forward in your own recovery and grown in all sorts of wonderful ways, -but you have been a strong and inspiring source to many others here in these forums.

So proud of you, -so glad you are here!

I have posted a little something for you, below, which I think explains some of the reason we find ourselves surprisingly alive and kicking long after the pain of a break; it's because, among many other things, the experience of loving someone gives you something you never expected, it gives us -courage.


For you:

" Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength; loving someone deeply gives you courage. "
Lao Tzu



Take care, my friend.

(Smile)

Yours,
-Rio
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Old 7th February 2006, 2:42 AM   #4
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I agree, Rio - CG's influence was instrumental in my initial healing. He still inspires me. Whenever I see a post by him, I always know it is going to make me feel a little stronger.

I feel the same about you, too.

If I hadn't found this place when I did (4 days after the breakup) I would be a complete wreck now.
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Old 7th February 2006, 2:49 AM   #5
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*blush*

Thanks Rio, you're a charm and your sentiments to me and returned 100%.

Fooled, I am glad I was able to give you some gift of hope. It's gets better, trust me. It just takes time and a dedication to learning the lessons of why your relationship failed and earnestly working towards personal improvement. Often times we want to blame our ex's for our problems when really if we just listened to our gut we'd have never been in this place to begin with.

Remember, they don't do it to us. We let them do it to us by giving them all the power over us.

We're stronger than we think. Believe me. Just takes faith, letting go, respecting ourselves and realizing we're good people, we just made some bad choices
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Old 7th February 2006, 3:37 AM   #6
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Appreciate the encouragement with info to stay on the right path! STBEH has been wanting to get back together these past few months and I know in the long run it would be so hurtful. Wanted to give in last night when he was desperate to come over.... was stronger than I thought I would be without any second thoughts only because of the strength I get here.

The reminder of why to stay strong is always helpful.
Thanks CG.
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Old 7th February 2006, 4:22 AM   #7
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Huge Thank You

Just wanted to let you know that your post is so inspirational. Its obvious that you've been through the same wringer that we're all going through currently or have been. Its so difficult to see through the forest of pain.

You have become a much stronger person and I hope to be that strong too, very soon.

Quote

Often times we want to blame our ex's for our problems when really if we just listened to our gut we'd have never been in this place to begin with.

Remember, they don't do it to us. We let them do it to us by giving them all the power over us.


That is so true. I must keep remembering this. I so want to blame him and feel like I did something to send him away. But he never really was truly into it in the first place. My gut did scream "WALK AWAY" in the very beginning. The lure of "love" and being "loved" was so appealling. I just didn't listen to my gut.

Through this experience... and others.. I've realized that I ignore my gut because of loneliness or (dare I say it) desperation. Pitiful, humiliating.... I must realize that in the end... to be alone is not as desperate as loving someone that doesn't return my emotions 100%. When you love someone much more than they love you, it shows. In your eyes, in your every action and they see it. Upon reflection, you realize what a sap you've been.

I'm gaining strength and really appreciate your posts. Please don't stop posting. Let us know when your strength has attracted someone very special. I'm certain that will happen soon.
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Old 7th February 2006, 8:23 AM   #8
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CG, the blush was precious.

(Smile)

-Rio
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Old 7th February 2006, 9:26 PM   #9
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Awesome post, CaliGuy.

I know I've made some progress - six months ago, I would have cried after reading that. Now, I smile. The truth no longer hurts. The future can only hold better things, and you can better appreciate it after experiencing this kind of pain.

Thank you!!!
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Old 8th February 2006, 12:49 PM   #10
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couldn't have said it better myself CG, great post.
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Old 11th February 2006, 2:20 AM   #11
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You're welcome. And a bump for some who haven't read it since it's on page 2.
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Old 13th January 2013, 12:30 AM   #12
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We need to pin this....
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Old 13th January 2013, 1:56 AM   #13
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great thread, ill have to study it from time to time. Ive been trying my best to do no contact, and keep the converstions minimal when i pick up the kids .. you know keep it short business and professional. The resistance has been quite large..

IN the begining i was very positive cause i was in denial, she ended up seducing me twice, and flirted alot.

But nc has led to unannounced visits, i wrote a letter to tell her to stop and it led to a 4 hr conversation. She still berades me for crimes committed a few years back, ended up telling me shes not so sure about her new man, after i told her i dont want to know anything about them.

The latest was another phone call lasted 45 min. SHes adamant she wants to be friends. I told her how can this happen? I told her straight up i still loved her and never wanted the divorce but its here now and shes shagged this guy how can i be happy go lucky around her?Its over she wanted me out of her life why bother, this is what folks do is move on. She said she's relied on me for so long she dont want that to go away, shes waiting for me to "chill out". I told her you must appreciate the mental juggling act you are asking me to perform here. She said yeah i can see it. aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrgh!!!

she suggested i goto my sisters in florida for a month to get my act together.

She keeps pushing and i dont know how to stop it, therapist told me i was up against some serious aggression, last option call the cops if she comes over here again. He told me shes not over you at all, divorce counselors said the same too. The story is has so many twists and turns i cant possible post it all though ive tried inmy own thread im so messed up.

Will i do it? no i wont ill probably just let her in.

PLan B whatever, ive got ZERO action going on now, and wont unless something happens at the grocery store. But there was a cute hispaninc lady checking me out at church, we made eye contact several times and smiled at each other.

I told all this to my divorce counselors, i figured its like the shaulin monks they keep punching this iron block and keep breaking their hands it turns into a calcified rock that can smash thru anything. i think thats what is happening to me. Im gonna end up getting turning into a rock.

Im eventually gonna get immune from all the breadcrumbs and visits, queries into how im doing what am i up to and will move on in the midst of it all. Grace under fire

Picked up the boys yesterday, she wanted me to look at her to see if i notinced anything different she smiles at me, i asked did u goto a dentist?
SHe said no ive been using white strips can u tell, i just said you have a nice smile, she looked miffed.
She got into a bad mood and took it out on the kids toys, not seriuosly agro but was picking them up with a grouchy attitude. I said aw the play ground she said it aint funny, i have to do all this by my self now and it aint easy. I said this is a blessing i miss this, i miss stubbing my toes on the toys.
Little one asked me if i took the old lawn mower i said no i dont have a lawn to mow any more. She said in that grouchy tone of hers well i mow now just one more thing i gotta do bymyself. I just left then with the boys she said good bye and i said later.

In my gut i know this aint gonna end anytime soon, i really wonder waht its gonna be like when i show up over there all beaming and healed, something is gonna happen i just know it.

Despite all the bs, and her problems and issues, and my problems and issues i love her still.

More therapy, more church , more prayers, more aa meetings, more step work, more lessons from sponsor, more books, more gym time, more food, water, and good sleep....Jesus help me. what is this? guide me thu it all.
17 yrs and 2 kids its just not going away at all. Private is back in alaska im sure now, the clock is ticking again.
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Old 31st January 2013, 10:50 PM   #14
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Needs to be pinned, honestly.
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