People who move on so quickly

[NoFaith05]

This is something that I have never understood. It has always taken me a great deal of time to heal and recover from a relationship- even when I was the one who ended it! It took me 6 months to get over a girl that I broke up with (but I knew it was for the best). I just can't jump into the arms (and bed) of another person that quickly. It would just be for the wrong reasons. I'm also at the point that dating someone, without having it go somewhere, is a waste of time.

 

So why is it that several of my ex's were able to start dating somebody new within WEEKS of our relationship ending? Is it because they need to fill a void, or that they are unhappy with themselves, or that they never loved me to begin with? Or perhaps a combination of all 3? Are these people sluts/gigalos? They certainly didn't seem like sluts/gigalos when they were with me. I guess I'm cursed in love and life because I actually have something called a HEART.

 

I would never want to jump from one relationship to another- I don't need all of that heartache and confusion.

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

I think that in a lot of cases those people who commit serial-monogamy are looking for something or someone outside of themselves to fill a void within. There are a lot of people who don't feel complete unless they are in a relationship, and they easily fall into the arms of another because it (fasely) fills their emptiness. That's just my two cents.

[teethbrushes]

My ex did that after he broke up with me and I don't know that it helped him much. I think he was just lonely and feeling like he had maybe made a mistake and she was there - a shoulder to cry on. they didn't last long and apparently, he's still not over me.

[johan]

Filling a void is one explanation. Another is based on three women I know who have all gotten divorces recently.

 

The one who was taken off guard by it can't stomach the idea of dating and is taking her time.

 

The other two were emotionally out of their marriages long before they were physically out of them. They had quite a while to heal emotionally and had left (in their hearts) long before. They were ready for something new pretty much right away.

 

I also have an ex who was emotionally gone long before she was physically gone. She was soon dating a new guy with whom she got very serious and married around a year after our breakup. I never had the impression she was the needy type. She was also pretty much ready when she left.

[malachai]

I also have an ex who was emotionally gone long before she was physically gone. She was soon dating a new guy with whom she got very serious and married around a year after our breakup.

 

johan, just curious here, was she the one to break up or you?

[johan]

johan, just curious here, was she the one to break up or you?

 

It was her. I suck to date.

[NoFaith05]

I agree with you Jen-Jen. My ex is one of these people. She doesn't know who she really is, and she often attaches herself to other people (mostly guys) who have much stronger personalities. These people help fill her void, and make her seem complete. The sad thing is that she even admitted this to me! She had a breakthrough session with her therapist, in which she learned that this is the type of person she is. She told me when we broke up that she needed to know that being alone was okay- that she didn't need to be with somebody in order to be happy. I believed her. I still do actually. I believe she MEANT what she said, but just couldn't hold true to her own wishes. She started dating someone new within a month after we broke up. She fell back into the same old pattern. It's sort of like when your friend or family member is an alchoholic. They tell you that they have a problem, and they want you to help them with it. You agree to this. They try to quit, but sooner or later they are back off the wagon again. When you confront them for what they have done, because you care about them, they get mad at you! This happened recently when I confronted by ex. I told her that she has fallen into the same pattern, and she just snapped at me- telling me that it's her life, and she has the right to see and do whatever she wants. ARGH. The only thing that makes me feel like I did something right (by confronting her) is that her best friend AGREES with me!

[malachai]

So why is it that several of my ex's were able to start dating somebody new within WEEKS of our relationship ending? Is it because they need to fill a void, or that they are unhappy with themselves, or that they never loved me to begin with? Or perhaps a combination of all 3? I would never want to jump from one relationship to another- I don't need all of that heartache and confusion.

 

i'm sure that there are a lot of reasons, whether they weren't satisfied, or they felt their partner didn't match their own level of investment in the realtaionship, or they simple don't want to be alone. but i personally believe that most people who move on so quickly to another relationship do so because they fear being alone.

 

if my ex starts seeing someone, i would feel extremely confident she did so because she isn't comfortable living by herself. In the last 10 years, I don't think she has spent more than 4 months single.

 

i can't say that this is always the case, but i would guess that most who jump right back into a relationship do so because they can't stan being alone. with her, and i think for a lot of people, there is a lack of fullfilment within one's own skin. they haven't gained security with being happy by themselves, so they try their hardest to live one constant, never-ending relationship.

[omegaRED]

Well, i can say from my own experience, that when i ended my previous relationship, i was emotionally detached months before, maybe even years, and i didn`t realize it. I started seeing my current ex a couple of weeks after i broke up.

 

My current ex also emotionally detached at least 1 month before she broke up. Unfortunately for her, i noticed this and bugged her. So she couldn`t get out easy (by simply cooling down the relationship and letting it fade away). She`s seeing someone else now, but she was probably seeing him while the two of us were together (i can not confirm this, but all the signs indicate that she did, in fact, cheat on me).

 

So some maybe jump into relationships to avoid being alone. But, as you see, some move on so quickly and easily because they just don`t love their bf/gf anymore, they like/love another one. In fact, for them, the break up is freedom to do what they really want. They feel little regret, because they`re happier with the new person.

 

I regretted the fact that i hurt my previous ex (by breaking up with her, i told her the truth and i didn`t play any games, nor did i cheat on her), and i felt really sad, but... I couldn`t go back. There were better things out there, both for me AND for her. I hear she just got married a couple of months ago, and i`m extremely happy for her, because i still care for her, and i really wanted for her to be truly happy (she couldn`t be truly happy with me, as my feelings for her were not there anymore). I`m expecting that my current ex will get married within the year, i guess she found in him whatever she wants from a man. Oh well... I`m not scared to be alone. I`m gonna stay single for a while, just so i can devote all my time and energy to myself.

[sunsets]

I remember the pain distinctly, when my first long term relationship of 3 1/2 years, incuding living together for 2 of those and travelling the world together for most of it - ended, after catching him with our flatmate, in the bathroom making out, then only 8 weeks later she had moved into our room, my bed, using my things I had bought with my boyfriend (who was my ex but still did not feel real at that point in time).

 

I was distraught, felt replaced and cheated of the years we spent together, I felt it was the cruelest pain, she had moved into my life after only 8 weeks.

 

He told me at that time he could not stand the idea of being alone, that I did not want him (he had been dishonest for about 6 mths before cheating, so of course I did not want him!) and that she did.

 

That was 4 years ago, they are getting married in february and I still think they deserve each other!

 

He moved on so soon, by his own admittance, because of his insecurity of being alone.

[In Sync]

I am reminded of how my ex broke it off, he let me know that there was someone else, then because I was in denial (I was dumbstruck with shock..I couldn't even speak) I foolishly remained in contact with him and waited it out until he drop out of that relationship.. I got together briefly with him (had rebound sex thinking it would lead to a new us), though he had no intention of going back to what we were. He made that perfectly clear in an horrible unforgettable outburst. We haven't had any true contact in weeks. He's dropped off the planet. Probably found a new interest. I'm glad now to not know anything. When I knew for sure he was with another it was painful. So painful I blocked it out my mind and pretended it was not true.

This time around I don't know for sure, but the full knowledge of it before was god-awful. I had pictures in my mind of him with somebody else. When they move on I truly feel they have been checked out the relationship way before they finally tell us. They have a head start. The fact that we are so replaceable is a horrible feeling. I still couldn't think of simply replacing him without truly really wanting to be with another. No matter how lonely I feel.

I still am in awe of the ability to just move on so quickly. To forget the person you've been with and start anew. With no gap of time to reflect just put a new container of milk in the frig.

[JohnJohn]

It's really quite simple. They confuse love with obsession. To them, you are an object and not a person with feelings, therefore you will get no respect when the relationship ends. Since you are an object in their minds, then you are easily repaced and this is why they can move on so fast. It's like throwing away an old sweater and going out and getting a new one. Easy. And it doesn't matter who dumped who because in their minds they were never in love with you in the first place. At least not in a true sense of the word love. Sure there's also issues of codependency and low self-esteem going on with them as well. It's really hard for normal people like ourselves to understand why they are like this. Don't waste too much time on it. It is what it is. It all stems from issues in their childhood, usually to the opposite sex parent. You can't change them and make them love you in the sense that you would like. Therefore you must find a healthy person that is capable of a true loving relationship. Bottom line: A person that truly loves you will work through anything and will not leave so easily.

 

Also I must ask why you folks know so much about what the ex is doing now? To me that only hinders your healing, especially since you know they are with someone else. Unless you work at the same place, live in a damn small town or have children together, why bother to know what they are doing? Make yourself disappear. The ex will get a power trip when they know that you know that they are seeing someone else. Why give the satisfaction? Some things in life are better left unknown.

[Kengne]

This is an amazing question, and I'd like to respond.

 

I have engaged in serial monogamy for the past 6 years. The longest stretch of time I have ever been consistently single is.... 3 mths. What can I say, I'm a popular girl! lol j/k.

 

Seriously though... I ended a long-term rel'ship of 4 years with M this Feb (due to his cheating). 1 month later I started dating. And exactly 3 mths to the day after the breakup in Feb, I was with someone else (who is now my current ex, R). Alot of my friends have questioned my decision to 'jump into' another rel'ship and this is my take on it.

 

When I broke off w M... I was still emotionally attached to him but mentally I had checked out - I did not want to be with him. I started talking & meeting other people SIMPLY to get my mind off of him, and stop the urges to call or see him (which were very strong at that point). I was NOT 'looking' to get into a rel'ship. I was not afraid of being single - BUT I was afraid of never being w M, and THATS why I started seeing other ppl - to realize that there WAS life beyond M.

 

Now when I met R... things kinda happened real fast. He came on strong... I was intellectually & physically attracted to him for various reasons... and I ran with it. He was my 1st real proof that I would and could feel for someone other than M. If it'd been up to R - I'm sure we would've been official long before the 3 mth mark - but I knew then that I needed time to heal. For me - 2 mths was enough.

 

Everyone is different. I've heard stories of people pining away for 1 year rel'ships YEARS after the initial breakup. That could not be me. My mentality is life is short, things happen for a reason & there is ALWAYS something bigger & better for me around the corner. If something doesn't work out - fine, I move onto the next thing. No point crying over spilled milk - a thousand times. What's done is done.

 

Maybe some of your ex's have been able to move on for the same reason - they just understand that things happen for a reason etc... Don't assume that's its ONLY because they're afraid of being single (which IS the reason for some ppl - BUT NOT ALL!)

 

As it stands now - I am currently single, YET again. But as opposed to my 1st breakup this year where I was in a rush to see what life would be like without my ex M - this time around, I'm taking my sweet time. I know that Mr Right (or Mr Right Now at least) is out there somewhere and I'm in no rush for him to find me. Because I know everything happens - in due time.

 

K.

[JosiePosie]

I am with NoFaith. I broke up with my boyfriend because he was becoming increasingly distant and disrespectful. We were living together and leaving was heartbreaking. I do love him but not his behaviour, and I knew that if I stayed, I would have stamp "Doormat" on my forehead.

 

It has been over two months and recovery has been tough at times. I WISH I could meet someone new, someone to get excited about, but I want to be healthy and healed before I start dating. I want to deal with my emotional issues first as I have made the mistake of bringing all that into a relationship. It is not fair to anyone in my opinion. I am learning alot about myself and how I have dealt with things in the past. The moments when I get sad and lonely are the hardest, that is when I long to be with my ex again, or some type of male companionship. I have to slap myself with reality when those feelings come up.

 

It was only a week or so after I left that my ex started logging into dating websites. Man...for someone who said they need time by themself to get their head straight....sure shows their sincerity. I said in an email that if he was wanting to see other people, he should have the guts to say it rather than do the whole "I need space" song and dance.

 

Anywho, for myself...I am loyal, gentle, kind-hearted and when I fall for someone...I FALL! People tell me to start dating around and not be so sad, easier said than done. I don't know if my ex is seeing anyone. I don't want to know, it would hurt too much. I just don't want to go there...lol.

[Art_Critic]

As it stands now - I am currently single, YET again.

 

Not to be critical because I don't know you Kengne but have you ever thought that one of the reasons that you are single yet again today might be related to the fact that you jump into relationships before you are healed from the previous one and haven't spent enough time trying to figure out what Kengne wants out of life ??

 

Just something to think about..

[Kengne]

Not to be critical because I don't know you Kengne but have you ever thought that one of the reasons that you are single yet again today might be related to the fact that you jump into relationships before you are healed from the previous one and haven't spent enough time trying to figure out what Kengne wants out of life ??

 

Just something to think about..

 

No offense taken hun! I've got thick skin and am very stubborn.

 

It's a valid argument. As Josie stated "... I want to deal with my emotional issues first as I have made the mistake of bringing all that into a relationship. It is not fair to anyone in my opinion. I am learning alot about myself and how I have dealt with things in the past...."

 

I certainly agree with her, and I HAVE made this type of mistake in the past. Being single NOW... I can safely say that YES - I have emotional issues to deal with - but who doesn't? I don't think anyone can say that they have NO emotional baggage. Some have more than others, but no one is perfect. And just because I have emotional baggage - which is MY problem that I have to deal with - is not going to stop me from getting involved with someone if I feel interested and vice versa.

 

The only difference I will make - MOVING FORWARD - is to be aware & pro-active towards resolving my emotional issues, and NOT lettting it affect any future rel'ships. But I'm not gonna sit on the sidelines as a timeout until I 'fix myself'. I think that is a continuous, ongoing process that never stops! Why should I say no to potential love (or lust) because society thinks I have not 'healed' or not enough 'time' has passed? AM I supposed to wait for the magic day until I can wake up and say ' Boom - I'm healed. Now I'm ready for a rel'ship and I have NO EMOTIONAL ISSUES."

 

If so, I don't think that day will EVER come. Not for me at least.

 

I mean - time is relative! What's 'quick' to you may seem like eons to me. 2 mths was long enough - FOR ME.

 

I don't know EXACTLY what I want/need out of rel'ship. I am 110% happy with all others of my life - except this one area. Me taking the time to be single now ... yes it is time to continue healing, from BOTH breakups (does the healing ever stop?? lol)... but more importantly... it is allowing me to clearly visualize what I need vs want... and what I will or will not settle for... so that WHENEVER Mr RIght Now comes along... I am prepared.

 

K.

[JohnJohn]

It was only a week or so after I left that my ex started logging into dating websites. Man...for someone who said they need time by themself to get their head straight....sure shows their sincerity. I said in an email that if he was wanting to see other people, he should have the guts to say it rather than do the whole "I need space" song and dance.

 

Ummmm....like I said before why is it that everyone is so concerned with what their exes are doing afterwards? What is with this obsessive impulse? Especially in your case, JP. You left him, correct? It sounds like it was for the best, but since you left him, doesn't he have the right to do whatever he chooses? Also the fact that you broke up with him and then have to look on dating websites to see if he is there or not tells me that you are second-guessing your decision. When one makes up their mind about a decision (and is certain about it) then there is no looking back. Only forward.

[JosiePosie]

I understand your point JohnJohn in that since I left, what he does is none of my business. At that time when I saw that he was logging into these dating sites, I was still in panic/shock mode. My hurt and jealousy kicked in. That was the first three weeks of the break-up.

 

After the third week, I have been staying away from those sites. I rather not know. I made the mistake of checking up on another ex's online activity after a breakup and it made it worse. So I slapped myself in the face and vowed not repeat that again. I even took my current ex off my MSN (he still has me on his ironically) as I don't wish to see or talk to him at this time. I need to be at a decent emotional level. The odd time the temptation to look at his stuff is there, then I remind myself the possible pain if I see something I don't like. I remind myself that it is his business.

 

I have been in counselling, support groups, etc since I left. And I have learned alot since September. The cliche is right, you have to love yourself before you can love another, and it is something I am striving for.

[scobro]

So why is it that several of my ex's were able to start dating somebody new within WEEKS of our relationship ending?

 

My ex did this 2 weeks after she ended our marriage she met some guy at a bar and her exact words were when I said how can you do this so soon after you end your marriage( she also originally said she needed to be alone, so go figure) "for companionship":rolleyes: .Now she also stated "we are just getting to know each other and see where it goes" this is 3 friggin weeks after she dumps me and ends our marriage.I think some people just need a void to be filled and cannot stand to be alone and it doesn't really matter who it is, for my ex as long as they are male and look attractive she will not be alone.

[scobro]

1 month later I started dating. And exactly 3 mths to the day after the breakup in Feb, I was with someone else

 

As it stands now - I am currently single,

:rolleyes:

 

You just summed it up in these two quotes.

 

Gosh,you really rode of into the sunset after your breakup.Would it not have been a lot easier and healthier mentally to chill out after your breakup and get yourself together not run to some rebound void filling relationship that obviously tanked.

 

BUT I was afraid of never being w M, and THATS why I started seeing other ppl - to realize that there WAS life beyond M.

 

So what you really mean is "I was afraid of being alone without M and I needed to see other people right away to fill the void of being alone and I was scared I wouldn't find anybody else so I went into a rebound relationship and it tanked miserably.

 

He was my 1st real proof that I would and could feel for someone other than M.

 

Meaning, he was the 1st real guy to come along and show interest.Did you not think you would ever have feelings for someone else did you really need proof one month after a break-up:rolleyes:

 

I'm sure we would've been official long before the 3 mth mark - but I knew then that I needed time to heal. For me - 2 mths was enough.

 

Wow 8 weeks to heal after 4 year relationship and be fully ready for a new relationship.That is a load of crap.

 

there is ALWAYS something bigger & better for me around the corner.

Is this a penis comment???

Now this is why you rebound so quickly, its the grass is always greener mentality

 

I'm taking my sweet time.

Sure now you realise that after you rebound and it tanks:rolleyes:

 

Sorry I am picking on you but it makes no sense to me.You contradict yourself and seem like you are trying to convince yourself you didn't rebound when thats exactly what you did.

[RecordProducer]

Because we want to feel loved and hugged again.. We feel fragile after a break-up and miss the affection so we are prone to starting new relationships shortly after the previous one has ended.

[scobro]

Because we want to feel loved and hugged again.. We feel fragile after a break-up and miss the affection so we are prone to starting new relationships shortly after the previous one has ended.

 

But they usually fail miserably!!!

[Kengne]

:rolleyes:

 

You just summed it up in these two quotes.

 

Gosh,you really rode of into the sunset after your breakup.Would it not have been a lot easier and healthier mentally to chill out after your breakup and get yourself together not run to some rebound void filling relationship that obviously tanked.

 

 

 

So what you really mean is "I was afraid of being alone without M and I needed to see other people right away to fill the void of being alone and I was scared I wouldn't find anybody else so I went into a rebound relationship and it tanked miserably.

 

 

 

Meaning, he was the 1st real guy to come along and show interest.Did you not think you would ever have feelings for someone else did you really need proof one month after a break-up:rolleyes:

 

 

 

Wow 8 weeks to heal after 4 year relationship and be fully ready for a new relationship.That is a load of crap.

 

 

Is this a penis comment???

Now this is why you rebound so quickly, its the grass is always greener mentality

 

 

Sure now you realise that after you rebound and it tanks:rolleyes:

 

Sorry I am picking on you but it makes no sense to me.You contradict yourself and seem like you are trying to convince yourself you didn't rebound when thats exactly what you did.

 

Hi scobro!

 

First of all let me say that I have not taken offense to anything you have said. I understand you're hot off the trails of an emotional marital breakdown where you wife left you - and immediately began seeing someone else. Thus, I will try to be more sensitive in replying to you, than you were when replying to me because I understand your P.o.V. is biased.

 

1. My first break-up w M was a long time coming. I was not happy in the relationship AT ALL (unlike you, who said you loved everything about your wife). Mentally - I had checked out of the rel'ship a long time ago. So the break-up was a relief. Painful yes, but nowhere near as painful as you may think, or my friends imagined. People actually commented on how well I took the break-up, and it was simply because I knew that his cheating was my cue, my time to move on. And move on I did.

 

2. NO - R was not the 1st real guy to show me interest. I dated several people. He was the 1st real guy that I was seriously interested in - enough to take it to the next level. If that makes him a rebound JUST because he was my 1st rel'ship - by society's standard - so be it. I can't help how I felt, nor the timing. It was what it was.

 

3. Yes - I really did not think I could EVER feel again for a guy, anywhere near to what I felt for my ex M. Is that so unimaginable to you? There are hundreds of ppl on LS who have thought the EXACT same thing after a breakup. Why is this so shocking to you? And btw, no it was not 1 mth after that we go together. I started talking/dating after I month. Mentally I felt it was ready, but more importantly I WAS NOT LOOKING FOR ANYTHING SERIOUS. I just wanted something light & fun. I can't help that I found something more, 3 mths down the road.

 

4. I never said I was 'fully healed' when I got into the rel'ship. I was, and still AM working on issues. But those are MY issues - independent of any relationship I DO or DONT get into.

 

5. Yes - the grass is always greener on the other side. The Lord has been good to me. For every negative thing that has happened in my life, something better has ALWAYS happened. And I think the same thing applies to everyone - we just don't recognize it until that better thing comes along.

 

6. And last - since you kept on saying over and over how my 'rebound' rel'ship tanked. .... It's funny because after my rel'ship w R ended ... over his unstated frustration regarding my contact w my ex M ... he came back abt 2 weeks ago... after a mth of NC ... and we are now in the process of starting things over from scratch, by taking it slow. If this was just a flukey 'rebound' relationship doomed to failure, why are we back where we started? Why isn't it completely over, since 'rebounds' never ever work?

 

Thats all I had to say.

 

PS > I see you live in Toronto! How was your drive home today? The weather was AWFUL!!

 

K.

[luvtoto]

I'm a single mother who has been 'relationship-free' for two years. Most of the two years, I spent just pining for my X. Now, I am completely over him. He's still single...I'm still single, but the fire blew out because he's not the kind of guy I'm lookin' for anymore. Thank God I didn't marry him!

 

I have grown tons as a person by being alone. Like, in the movie, 'Runaway Bride'...I know what kind of eggs I like. I have no family either...yea, it gets pretty lonely, and I have my good days and bad days. But, even if you are in a relationship...ya still need to have your own life.

[scobro]

why are we back where we started? Why isn't it completely over, since 'rebounds' never ever work?

 

You just answered your own question.Your back to where you started so it never really worked in the first place it hasn't completely tanked YET! but if you have to start over again then I guess it wasn't really working out as a solid foundation for a good relationship.So is starting over magically going to make things better?I would bet probably not but good luck to you I couldn't do what you did so more power to you.