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Ex Bf is getting Married


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

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Old 8th January 2018, 7:43 AM   #1
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Ex Bf is getting Married

Hi everybody,

I have an issue and I know I can rely on you guys who have helped me so much during my BU. Long story short of my story:
- LDR 1,5 yr
- Bf emotionally cheated on me while being on some wedding
- Broke up because I was kind of a 2nd option and he couldn't "deal" with me anymore
- Told me a week after he was interested in some other girl he met there
- I went through NC until this day meaning we have not spoken for a year
- I totally have accepted all, am happy by now, dated others, life is good

I have recently heard that he is getting married to her. I am not a bitter or vengeful ex (but rather realistic) but I know that he has met her only twice (as it was another LDR) and is about to get married to her in order to get her to his county, so she can start learning the language and so on.

This news did not hit me but the fact that this is happening to someone who once was everything to me. It just seems so naive and irrational to me. I know, it might be THE relationship but I personally do not believe in it. Being in a honeymoon phase can make you make decisions you are going to regret later and I KNOW him. I know that he can become weak during this period, and unfortunately I know he - as the very private person he is - may still have no one to talk to about personal and intimate topics.
It is also about his future. He just started med school - and she obviously won't live with him but with his parents. It might cause so much hurt and regret later - because I know in the worst case, he will still stick to it and not end it completely.

I just believe you need more time in order to get to know someone. When our relationship fell apart, it was about over the 1 year mark. Anyway, what should I do guys?

Should I message him nicely, kind of be a friend (because now, I would be ready even to talk to him without feeling anything) and ask him if he is sure? Maybe call him up? Write a letter? It definitely would be just a factual and not-clouded conversation between two old aquantainces with a past. I am just afraid he will look at it the other way as my way of meddling into his business, but I just still care ... this whole thing just keeps being in my head and I need a solution to get rid of it. I just feel like it is a decent human act to at least offer an ear if needed. I would do the same thing with any of my close friends if they would be in the same position, asking them if they are sure and need to think about short-term and long-term aspects as marrying is such a big life decision.

BTW for anyone who thinks he should be the one to contact me first: He has not contacted me, might be afraid as well because I once told him that I do not keep contact with any of my ex. So that might explain his behavior. (I changed it and made amends with each of them over the last year; life is just too short to have any hard feelings and I hate awakwardness)

Thanks for any suggestions!
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Old 8th January 2018, 7:52 AM   #2
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Why would he need an ear of an ex ? and who says he needs anybody's ear right now.

He has known her almost as long as you both were together and it seems he is moving the relationship forward, he is a big boy and gets to make his own mistakes and also has to live with them, speaking to him will only look like you are meddling and not over him.. which it sounds like you aren't.

You know too much about your ex for someone who is truly doing NC, I would suggest you don't contact him, send him smoke signals or any other kind of contact and let him move forward.

I know it has to hurt, but you need to keep this in perspective and also look at it as a blessing for you that you didn't marry someone who would treat you the way he did...

Hugz....

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 8th January 2018 at 8:01 AM..
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Old 8th January 2018, 8:06 AM   #3
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Why would he need an ear of an ex ? and who says he needs anybody's ear right now.

He has known he almost as long as you both were together and it seems he is moving the relationship forward, he is a big boy and gets to make his own mistakes and also has to live with them, speaking to him will only look like you are meddling and not over him.. which it sounds like you aren't.

You know too much about your ex for someone who is truly doing NC, I would suggest you don't contact him, send him smoke signals or any other kind of contact and let him move forward.

I know it has to hurt, but you need to keep this in perspective and also look at it as a blessing for you that you didn't marry someone who would treat you the way he did...

Hugz....
I agree. It seems reasonable and I have been thinking about the same when I got the news and evaluated all.

And I am over him - the reason why I got this news is because of our families. News got to me over mine (difficult to explain why they still do it because I cant tell them to stop; but it does not hit me as I said).

I am aware that my position is totally wrong to "offer an ear" - and I am only doing it because I care for him, not as a lost lover or so but someone who played a role in my life; and because I would have done it to everyone and ask "Are you absolutely sure? Did you consider any outcome?". It is just my position as an ex is hindering all good intentions I have.
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Old 8th January 2018, 8:13 AM   #4
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It doesn’t sound like you are over him at all. Moreover, you are not doing anything for him by questioning his decision. You won’t come off as a friend at all - especially after this period of time has passed.

Continue to walk your own path and leave the past in the past.
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Old 8th January 2018, 8:57 AM   #5
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And I am over him - the reason why I got this news is because of our families. News got to me over mine (difficult to explain why they still do it because I cant tell them to stop; but it does not hit me as I said).

Good for you... then let news like that roll off your back..

It's nice you posted here to get some opinions.. hope you have worked it out in your head and are okay with it all.
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Old 8th January 2018, 10:11 AM   #6
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Good for you... then let news like that roll off your back..

It's nice you posted here to get some opinions.. hope you have worked it out in your head and are okay with it all.
Yes, I believe you are right. I just needed to hear it once more. The idea was bad from the start but I felt like it was the right thing to do as a human-being. Not to meddle or convince him otherwise but to ask if he has thought it all through. I am aware that being in the honeymoon phase can cloud our judgements. Anyway, you are right to let him just let him live life with all its achievements and mistakes.
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Old 8th January 2018, 11:10 AM   #7
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Most of these guys who bring these girls here to marry are head over heels for these women. What does she look like and how old is she? I would leave him alone if I were you. He is starting med school so he obviously has a good head on his shoulders and more than likely has fallen in love with this girl. The girl is probably also in love with him and looking forward to marrying a future doctor. Just leave them alone.
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Old 8th January 2018, 11:14 AM   #8
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You were an LDR. She is right there. The advantage of being there solidifies the relationship

He made a choice. Alas, it wasn't you.

There is nothing for you to do, except stay out of it. Any contact from you looks like an attempt to break them up. Let it go.
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Old 22nd January 2018, 12:22 PM   #9
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You were an LDR. She is right there. The advantage of being there solidifies the relationship

He made a choice. Alas, it wasn't you.

There is nothing for you to do, except stay out of it. Any contact from you looks like an attempt to break them up. Let it go.

Regarding the previous posts - thank you guys. I am aware that she is there for him(Even if they have a LDR), and I am not. Not sure how old she is but I guess around 22/23.

I really need to sort out everything - my concern for him just does not let go. Maybe you are right and I am not 100% over him but I do feel I am because I do not want to meddle into this and do not even have any bitter or jealous feelings. If this makes him happy, go ahead and marry. However, I know whatever he does he will believe he has sorted everything out but I totally disagree. He is a good-hearted and sometimes naive person who does not have a lot of life experience when it comes down to people.

I am aware he is an adult, he should make his own mistakes, he should learn. But shouldn’t I at least offer my help if he needs it? Just offer and not even mention the wedding or anything? I believe it is time to be at least on speaking terms even if nothing will be said.

I feel like I will regret it if I am not doing it. I would have done it for everyone who I care or cared about because I know them.
Maybe what I am writing contradicts but I do hope, someone sees my point of view.

This reply might sound I want him back or so, but no - it took my months to realize we were not meant to be together.
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Old 22nd January 2018, 12:40 PM   #10
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He is a good-hearted and sometimes naive person who does not have a lot of life experience when it comes down to people.
I believe the one that is naive here is you -- the man cheated on you, treated you like a 2nd option and soon after jumped onto the next woman. If there is anyone that needs to check themselves, it is you.

Stop trying to fix others. Best to focus on why you need to meddle in the wellbeing and choices of another, especially when they had no concern for yours.

And you can keep repeating the fact that you're not in the slightest bit affected by him moving on, but the fact that you need to tell him what he's doing is wrong screams otherwise, and it will to him as well. He has no loyalty to you but only sees what he feels for this new woman so everything that comes out of your mouth will seem like jealousy/bitterness.

Hold on to your self-respect and dignity. Allow others to live their lives the way they choose. And you should focus on yours.
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Old 22nd January 2018, 12:52 PM   #11
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You can't protect him from himself.


If you speak to him you may feel better having said your piece but how will he feel? I suspect most people in his place would feel annoyed that an EX felt entitled to comment on something that is none of her business. Are you planning to tell him what car to buy? Where to get a mortgage? How he should handle a work crisis? Where do you draw the lines? Unsolicited advice is rarely welcome.
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Old 5th February 2018, 10:18 AM   #12
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Thank you guys!

You were absolutely right. Why should he concern himself with me if there is someone else in his life? It is his choice and your posts kept me thinking and thinking until I finally saw the truth. Whatever I say, it does not mean anything at all after he replaced me, making me feel like an option B. He indeed it not loyal to me so why trying to contact?

The funny thing is - he contacted me indirectly last week. He was liking some old message of mine in our FB conversation. I am not interpreting here but shrugged it off because it may be an accident - i mean after a year of not talking and you are about to marry, why liking something from your ex? I am not a fan of indirect messages .. well, I needed to update on this, manifesting that I am more worthy of someone else‘s life who actually cares for me.

My head is clear now, guys, so thank you.
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