I think I just had the worst night of my life

[sdraw108]

My background story is here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/cheating-flirting-jealousy/642976-got-burned-after-forgiving-my-gf-cheating

 

TLDR: girlfriend of 4 1/2 years cheated on me and lied throughout the last few months, and last week flew to another country to be with that person.

 

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I'm 35, and have had three major relationships. My first lasted a little over 2 years. I was pretty heartbroken, but I got over it after perhaps 3 - 5 months (I don't recall exactly how long). My second lasted a similar length of time, and the recovery period was also similar. In both cases there had been a period of a few months at the end where the relationship was in decline and we both knew what was coming, even though I didn't want to admit it to myself. I've always been the dumpee in every relationship I've had.

 

I thought my current recovery was "normal" until now. By normal I mean hard as hell, but perhaps measurable by the same standard as my first two. The cheating has been going on for a few months, so I've had a similar easing-in period as before.

 

For some reason though, last night was a living nightmare. I was super tired, having only slept perhaps 4 hours the night before. My eyes were closing on me at various points, and I've been lying in bed since 10pm. But I haven't slept at all, and it's now almost 8.30am. Throughout the night I've had repeated episodes every 30 mins or so where I've been filled by what I can only describe as an overwhelming combination of grief and terror at losing the person I've loved deeply for almost 5 years. I only have to glance in the mirror, or glance at some other harmless thing with some vague reminder, and I'm in floods of tears.

 

Why am I finding it so hard all of a sudden? I've never experienced anything as bad as this. I feel like someone has died. I feel like I'm completely dysfunctional. It's impossible to work, or head out of the house to do something positive and distracting, when I can't even sleep.

 

I also feel ashamed of myself for being this upset over someone who has treated me really badly for the last few months. In spite of all that, my feelings for her are as they were before the cheating started, and I desperately want her back. Simultaneously, rationally I know that I shouldn't want her back.

 

On a lesser note, I feel a little embarrassed that I'm 35 and generally consider myself to be strong minded, but am this badly affected.

[usa1ah]

Just shows you truly loved this girl. From what I have read, others go through the same thing you are.

[BarbedFenceRider]

Yup, what he said...It is shown that it is most exactly like a death of someone close to you. You will need to treat is as such. But you are still alive and you are valued. It will just take time. And thank heavens you were not married. I've been on this site for a little time now and seen the destruction when a WP goes away.. Sorry for your loss.

 

As for the age thing. It don't mean a thing. The peeps here on LS are awesome and they come from a very expanded background. Age, sex, belief system...Everything. Its good that you write this all down and keep track like a journal. Best of luck.

[elaine567]

It is not just grief and loss it is betrayal.

 

Understanding Relationship, Sexual, and Intimate Betrayal as Trauma (PTSD)

In part, the trauma of infidelity stems from the fact that while the cheater has obviously known about his or her extracurricular sexual behavior all along and may actually feel some relief once the truth is on the table, a betrayed partner is all too often blindsided by this information.

Even when a spouse is not fully deceived, having had some prior knowledge of the cheating, he or she is usually overwhelmed upon learning the full extent of the partner’s behavior (after all, cheating is usually an ongoing pattern rather than an isolated incident).

Adding insult to injury, it’s not just anyone who caused this pain, loss, and hurt.

The agony experienced by betrayed spouses – their reactivity – is amplified by the fact that they’ve been cheated on by the person they had most counted upon to “have their back.”

 

Think what it would be like to have your best friend – the person you live, sleep, and have sex with, the one who co-parents your children and with whom you share your most intimate self, your finances, your world – suddenly become someone coldly unknown to you.

 

The person who carries with them the most profound emotional and concrete significance in your past, present, and future has just taken a sharp implement and ripped apart your emotional world (and often that of your family) with lies, manipulation, and a seeming lack of concern about your emotional and physical wellbeing!

No wonder the effects of this kind of betrayal can last for a year or more.

The trauma evoked by profound relationship betrayal typically manifests in one or more of the following ways:

 

• Emotional lability (excessive emotional reactions and frequent mood shifts) – recurrent tearfulness, quick shifts from rage to sadness to hope and back again
  
• Hypervigilence that can manifest in self-protective behaviors like doing “detective work” (checking bills, wallets, computer files, phone apps, browser histories, etc.)
  
• Attempting to combine a series of unrelated events in order to predict future betrayal
  
• Being labile and easily triggered (think PTSD) into anxiety, rage, or fear by any hint that the betrayal might be repeated or ongoing – trigger examples include: the spouse comes home late, turns off the computer quickly, or looks “too long” at an attractive person
  
• Sleeplessness, nightmares, difficulty focusing on the day-to-day
  
• Obsessing about the trauma – struggling to focus, being distracted, depressed, etc.
  
• Avoiding thinking about or discussing the trauma (a common reaction to a traumatic experience)
  
• Isolation
  
• Compulsive spending, eating, exercise
  
• Intrusive fantasy images or thoughts about the betrayal
  

[salparadise]

Adding insult to injury, it’s not just anyone who caused this pain, loss, and hurt.

The agony experienced by betrayed spouses – their reactivity – is amplified by the fact that they’ve been cheated on by the person they had most counted upon to “have their back.”

 

Think what it would be like to have your best friend – the person you live, sleep, and have sex with, the one who co-parents your children and with whom you share your most intimate self, your finances, your world – suddenly become someone coldly unknown to you.

 

The person who carries with them the most profound emotional and concrete significance in your past, present, and future has just taken a sharp implement and ripped apart your emotional world (and often that of your family) with lies, manipulation, and a seeming lack of concern about your emotional and physical wellbeing!

 

No wonder the effects of this kind of betrayal can last for a year or more.

 

This is what I've been through this year and mine didn't cheat!

 

She dumped via text and refused to even show enough respect to allow a conversation. I had talked to her a number of times about my vulnerability anxiety and told her how I loved her more deeply with every passing month. She assured me that my vulnerability was safe with her. Then she smashed it in the most unkind, uncaring, cavalier manner. I would never have thought that this person I loved and trusted so much could've done that.

 

My therapist pointed out that most relationships go through a decline, there are arguments, and there is time to emotionally integrate the realization that it's not working. But, in my case none of that happened, and I was shocked and bewildered. I was left with dissonance, where my emotions could not believe what my mind had no choice but to accept.

 

I still don't know exactly what happened or why. All I know is that she was not who she pretended to be. Because that person would never have treated me that way. It sucks.

 

Hang in there OP. Time heals.

[sdraw108]

Thanks everyone for the kind and helpful words. I'm having another bad night. It's 2am. I slept today from 9am to 2pm. I'm hoping the negative thoughts will leave me alone at some point so I can sleep and wake up at a normal time. Being awake at night when the world is asleep just adds to my feeling of isolation.

[HiCrunchy]

I'm sorry you are going through this. People who love the hardest, tend to hurt the most when a relationship ends. It just shows that you have a loving heart, and you should be proud of it. It is good to grieve, but don't ruminate.

I wish you will darling. I believe you will survive.

[DevastatedJDC]

I can so relate to this - I'm 54 and can't believe I can't get over someone that told me they loved me every day for 11.5 years, only to dump me via a phone call, never to be heard from again. That alone shows they are a horrible person, yet I still want them back - WTF is wrong with me. It has gotten better with time, but I still have setbacks and dreading the first holidays without them. I just don't get how a person can just walk away from a long term relationship without a care in the world - how was I so stupid to think he loved me?

[sdraw108]

I can so relate to this - I'm 54 and can't believe I can't get over someone that told me they loved me every day for 11.5 years, only to dump me via a phone call, never to be heard from again. That alone shows they are a horrible person, yet I still want them back - WTF is wrong with me. It has gotten better with time, but I still have setbacks and dreading the first holidays without them. I just don't get how a person can just walk away from a long term relationship without a care in the world - how was I so stupid to think he loved me?

 

Seems to me there are two kinds of people when it comes to how they define love. For the first kind, love means a selfless caring about the other person's wellbeing. If you love someone in that way and have to end a relationship, you try to do it in as considerate way as you can. After all, just because your romantic feelings are gone, doesn't mean it isn't still the same person you love and care about. I find it harder to describe the second kind, because I'm not one of them and it seems kind of alien to me. But I believe to them love is more about enjoying attention, and enjoying the feeling in themselves that love brings, as well as the safety and comfort. When those kinds of people end a relationship it's often done in a harsh and cold way, as if your wellbeing doesn't matter at all. Love to them was never about genuinely caring about the other person.

 

Unfortunately the second kind are usually excellent at imitating the first kind so you don't find out until the worst happens. I wish there were a good way to tell the difference!

[chinadiary]

I can so relate to this - I'm 54 and can't believe I can't get over someone that told me they loved me every day for 11.5 years, only to dump me via a phone call, never to be heard from again. That alone shows they are a horrible person, yet I still want them back - WTF is wrong with me. It has gotten better with time, but I still have setbacks and dreading the first holidays without them. I just don't get how a person can just walk away from a long term relationship without a care in the world - how was I so stupid to think he loved me?

 

 

 

Almost exactly the same. I'm 52. 11 years. How????

[salparadise]

I find it harder to describe the second kind, because I'm not one of them and it seems kind of alien to me. But I believe to them love is more about enjoying attention, and enjoying the feeling in themselves that love brings, as well as the safety and comfort. When those kinds of people end a relationship it's often done in a harsh and cold way, as if your wellbeing doesn't matter at all. Love to them was never about genuinely caring about the other person.

 

I believe you're correct. Adoration is the word I use. It's egocentric infatuation, not actual love... real love is other-focused, generous, caring, and goes far deeper than a person's usefulness. Selfish, egocentric love equals usefulness. It's all about how you make them feel about themselves, with emphasis on them, and filling the void within. When the initial infatuation slows down and brain chemistry normalizes the feelings of self-loathing and emptiness return. At that point you are not only no longer useful, you may become an object of scorn and contempt.

[MarkTorr]

I can so relate to this - I'm 54 and can't believe I can't get over someone that told me they loved me every day for 11.5 years, only to dump me via a phone call, never to be heard from again. That alone shows they are a horrible person, yet I still want them back - WTF is wrong with me. It has gotten better with time, but I still have setbacks and dreading the first holidays without them. I just don't get how a person can just walk away from a long term relationship without a care in the world - how was I so stupid to think he loved me?[/QUO

 

I feel your pain 52 yr old here, she left after 17 years

[sdraw108]

I believe you're correct. Adoration is the word I use. It's egocentric infatuation, not actual love... real love is other-focused, generous, caring, and goes far deeper than a person's usefulness. Selfish, egocentric love equals usefulness. It's all about how you make them feel about themselves, with emphasis on them, and filling the void within. When the initial infatuation slows down and brain chemistry normalizes the feelings of self-loathing and emptiness return. At that point you are not only no longer useful, you may become an object of scorn and contempt.

 

That's a great way of putting it. In my whole time with my ex, I've genuinely cared that she was happy and fulfilled etc. I'd do things for her that inconvenienced me, not out of some sense that it was necessary to keep the relationship going, but because I wanted her to feel good. It makes me wonder if any of that applied in reverse.

 

It's bad enough going through a breakup, nevermind having to question whether even the good times were authentic.

[salparadise]

That's a great way of putting it. In my whole time with my ex, I've genuinely cared that she was happy and fulfilled etc. I'd do things for her that inconvenienced me, not out of some sense that it was necessary to keep the relationship going, but because I wanted her to feel good. It makes me wonder if any of that applied in reverse.

 

It's bad enough going through a breakup, nevermind having to question whether even the good times were authentic.

 

Yes! Probably the most difficult aspects of my breakup was my need to believe that it was real and meaningful. As the hard realizations became clearer over the months following, I had to accept that it was never about me. I was merely filling a position. Then end was effectively the same as being fired for missing a sales quota. The position was advertised within a few days, new dick hired immediately. It was all very businesslike. Inconvenient perhaps, but not upsetting. I doubt that she lost a minute of sleep.

 

I had plenty of clues along the way, but I just chose to overlook them. In the future I will be paying attention to the other relationships in a woman's life... how they view and relate to ex's, coworkers, children, siblings and whether or not they invest in friendships or have real affection and empathy for people who are kind and authentic but not high-status, ego boosting, identity enhancing assets. Also, the need for precise mirroring; is it okay to disagree on tangental issues, or does it become relationship problem? I suspect that the mirroring indicated need in the area of identity fortification, which of course was bound to fail at some point.

Edited November 24, 2017 by salparadise