Trying to regain confidence after the breakup....

[Logo]

After the breakup with my ex, though it left me hurting, I was still confident, I walked with confidence, I felt like the future is whatever I make it.

 

Slowly, but surely and after many rejections by women that I approached and liked, my confidence dropped.

 

 

The bigger disappointment was online dating, it left me feeling like I was not worth a second look even though people behind my back say that I’m very handsome and I know I have a lot to offer.

 

 

So now, I’m back to learning how to approach women with confidence, maintain their interest and ward off their jealous *****blocking girlfriends.

 

 

But, I don’t know how to do that. I haven’t been with a woman since the breakup and for a while I felt that there was something wrong with me. I feel like a monk. I miss being in a loving relationship.

 

 

It’s ironic, but if today — now that I feel I’m over the relationship and the breakup — I had the confidence that I had just after the breakup, I would have found someone in no time.

 

 

Sometimes out of fear I feel like settling for less, but I know I deserve more and if I settle for less I’d be selling myself short and regretting it down the road.

[sdraw108]

It's sometimes said that there's no difference between faking confidence and having confidence. So, fake it. Recall how you acted when you felt confident, and act that way. Literally, act. Pretend you're an actor and you're playing a role. Continue to approach girls in spite of the rejections. Remember that a rejection costs you nothing. You're no worse off after the rejection than you were before. You're actually better off, because it enables you to learn and improve yourself.

 

Don't feel bad about online dating. OLD is an awful experience, particularly for men. Girls get inundated with likes and messages on OLD, so it's very hard to get noticed even if you're someone a girl would find attractive.

[gpete3008]

I'm sorry you feel hopeless. There really is nothing worse than feeling like that. I'm not sure what you mean by "settling for less." The right lady is out there for you, and when you find her, you'll know it...there will be no settling by either of you.

 

I can tell you are a caring and sensitive person just by the tone of your post. Have you considered maybe looking elsewhere...looking for your soulmate? Perhaps you might find that perfect person in a small group at a local community or fellowship church? Perhaps she's looking for you too?

[Logo]

I'll try to fake it and "act". Sometimes I lose the energy to keep up appearances. All I need is a glimpse of light, some hope, to remind me that things can take a turn for the better, that things can improve. And every time I get a little bit of attention from a woman, I feel that I'm not invisible, I feel that one day -- hopefully soon -- I will meet that special someone or at least someone I can get along with and feel attracted to her both physically and mentally.

 

But the more time passes, the lower my confidence gets.

 

Sometimes when I'm out and I approach a woman and get rejected, I think, "Perhaps I'm getting old, perhaps I'm boring, perhaps I'm not funny, perhaps I'm not as attractive as I used to be, perhaps I need to work out more, perhaps I need to lose weight, perhaps I come across as too desperate or perhaps I seem too aloof and disinterested when I try to overcompensate so as not to appear desperate, perhaps, perhaps, perhaps."

 

I just don't know anymore.

 

Earlier this year, I started feeling that the next time I will have a meaningful and loving relationship will be years from now. I don't know if it's simply my subconscious telling me that I need to work on my confidence before I can attract someone or is it because I'm feeling down and in a rut, pessimistic.

 

Some people bounce back from a breakup and find another partner in a matter of weeks or a few months.

 

Some people manage to date for a short while after a breakup and that keeps them feeling hopeful.

 

But ever since the breakup I've been single. I have also been looking for those red flags, passing up the very few chances I had because I wanted some kind of assurance. That's the wrong word. I wanted to minimize the chances of the relationship failing in the long run because I felt and still feel that I'm emotionally worn out to be able to cope with the emotional pain that comes with the demise of a long-term relationship, again.

 

 

When I met my ex, we just hit it off. I haven't felt the same way about anyone since the breakup, partly because I haven't been attracted to the women who liked me and partly because I looked for a red flag around every corner. But they were reasonable red flags, I think. I would like to think that I have learned from my last relationship. I had some reservations when I first started dating my ex, but I wanted to give her and the relationship a chance and see where things might lead. I don't know if I can do that anymore.

 

I have also been very guarded, trying to keep the other person at an emotional distance until I can decide if I want to be with them. Dates have gone from being a fun way to spend time with someone and get to know them to being more like formal interviews or platonic interactions.

 

I just need a glimmer of hope. Heck, last week I purchased a few books, some of which are self-help books. I was excited to read them all. One in particular is about confidence. I delved right into it and then the next day had no motivation to read anymore. Lately all I feel like doing is watching movies and sleeping.

 

I know it's not a way to live a life. I know it's not healthy. I realize that I need to push myself to find a hobby or social group to join, anything. And I have tried. Perhaps I need to keep trying. But I'm at the point where I dismiss things as, "Oh what's the point anyway. Nothing will come of it." And with that kind of approach, really, what's the point?

 

I should feel more positive, more energetic, more content, happier. But I just don't know where to draw that strength from.

 

Some 20 years ago, I was feeling similar grief and discouragement. It took years to climb out of that hole.

 

These past two years, I went from feeling true happiness, elation and love and affection to feeling loss, loneliness and grief all in one fell swoop. Of course it didn't help when the person I loved and was willing to give up anything for, ended up treating me with resentment and anger only to betray me and cheat on me. Some of the things she said echo in my head from time to time, and they feel like a kick to the heart and the head all at the same time.

 

Like I wrote in another thread, I just don't recognize the person that I've become. I feel like a robot operating under a pre-programmed, mundane routine with no excitement, no purpose.

 

Truth be told, it's not only my romantic life that is in a rut right now. Things aren't going well at work, either. I feel like the earth is shaking under my feet, like an earthquake I can't escape and all I can do is stand still and wait it out.

 

This Thanksgiving I was thankful for having loving family and friends, for having food on the table and a roof over my head and a warm bed. I feel lucky to have all that. I really do; I realize that things can be worse and there are a lot of people out there who don't have what I have.

 

At the same time, there's a gaping emotional hole in my heart, aching to be filled with tenderness and affection.

 

If you've made it this far, thanks for reading. It means a lot to me.

[Chilli]

thing is , in approaching all these women you were settling for less, well unless you only wanted a playmate.

because no way can we come up with that many people you would genuinely want a future with, that's only in like one in 10,000, or even as in myself, one in10 million.

Mate , quality women can usually sense when it's not the real thing and they usually aren't interested.

And she's not gonna giva toss about the bs internet lists either of what everyone should be, she'll be an individual with a mind and likes of her own and when there's something between you , she'll know that too, no matter who you are.

 

l know you miss it , hell so do l , but unless you just wanna play around , stop degrading yourself chasing women your really not even interested in anyway.

 

And don't take ridiculous date site crap to heart they have just as much trouble finding the real deal as we do , believe me . Just read LS.

 

Good luck man , l just think you need to chill a bit right now, be you. Things will happen when your ready and she'll be worthwhile..

Edited November 26, 2017 by Chilli

[Chilli]

oops , sorry about this one

Edited November 26, 2017 by Chilli

[Logo]

I’m certainly not looking for a playmate. What I meant by settling was in reference to going out with someone who I might not necessarily find myself entirely compatible with, but compromise because it seems that the person I’m looking for is just not out there. And I know that there might be the right person out there, but how long do I wait? A year? 5? 10?

[Chilli]

Hey Logo.

No worries knew what you meant

But yeah , l dunno man , wish l knew the answer to the time thing.

 

Although some people we read here did date 100s but one day met their match, married.

 

l guess it's a personal thing . but me , l met the two most important women in my life after taking time to get myself right and not wasting my time on just anyone's.

l think things happen if we do right by ourselves.

well ,that's been my experience anyway,