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She left me, didn't see it coming


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

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Old 10th November 2017, 11:05 AM   #1
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She left me, didn't see it coming

I met this woman at a wedding overseas, we fell for each other, she told me she loved me two weeks in the relationship, she "loved bombed" me, told me I was the one, that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. Even bought tickets to see me. I visited her twice in her country, and she gets distant and decides to dump me, 4 days before it was her turn to come visit me.

The flags were there, but I ignored them because I was in love. After breaking up with me she asked me to respect her wishes. I blocked her and went NC right away. Told her that she doesn't know the damage she does and to use the money I sent her for the flight on therapy. Than she still decides to come to my country to "talk" and she wrote an e-mail on her 3 day, but wouldn't answer her phone or reply to text messages. Told me where she stayed, so I felt she was sending mixed signals. She finally picks up the day she's supposed to leave and I told her how I felt, that the trust was gone and we ended it there. She was surprised I cut off the convo and said "We're going in circles now, this is good bye now". She's used to men chasing her. It's been NC for months, and she decided to contact me in the last place I forgot to block her (facebook call). I told my cousin (families are close) to please leave me alone. I regressed back to almost step 1 in my grieving.


Finally I talk to her the morning before she leaves and completely contradicts everything she said in the beginning. No longer was she the dreamer, passionate, ambitious, and open minded person. She was completely closed minded, said she was worth gold in her 3rd world country she lived in and didn't want to move anywhere. I would of respected that had she came out with the truth from the beginning. But everything felt so real, said she wanted to move to the states and move to Miami with me. I was going to compromise and initially travel two weeks out of the month and live out there initially.

One of the flags that sticks out is that she almost dumped me for not having a college degree.


She was 22 and a senior in college. My mistake for dating someone so young while she's a decade younger than me.

I almost lost my job, my company, my friends, and possible my apartment.

But damn I miss her so much, I know.

Last edited by wishyouneverleft; 10th November 2017 at 11:08 AM..
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Old 10th November 2017, 11:23 AM   #2
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How long total did you date her while things were going well? Anyone can say anything. Sounds like you really didn't know her and she was saying a bunch of things you wanted to hear. The only thing that matter is ACTIONS and CONSISTENCY. Trust comes from those over time. You have to get to know someone for at least 3 months to a year before you can really get sense of the real person inside. People will tell you anything in the first two weeks that may not be true or last. She is very young. She lives in another country. This seems to all be a recipe for disaster, I"m sorry to say. Move on and find someone closer to home.
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Old 10th November 2017, 11:38 AM   #3
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Your first red flag should have been when she told you she loved you 2 weeks into the relationship. People who do that, are typically what I like to call "noncommittal love birds." They will often tell you the love you, that you're the soul mate, that you're the only one they were looking for early on, before completely shutting down and cutting everything off, which is what sounds like she did. Stay clear of people like this.

She seems wishy washy and unsure of her feelings or what she wants. It is best just to let this one go. You miss her, I'm sure, but you'll save yourself from a whole lot of pain if you let go now, rather than holding on and letting her continue to mess with your head.

I suggest finding someone closer to you.
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Old 10th November 2017, 2:10 PM   #4
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This doesn't even sound like a relationship, and I'm not sure you were in love, either. I know you're hurt, but unless I'm missing something there was never really anything there.
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Old 10th November 2017, 4:55 PM   #5
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Been there. Been loved bombed. Been told all kinds of sweet things only to eventually feel real stupid in the end. These girls aren't in it for the long run.

Girls like this fall in love with the idea of being in love. They want their romantic hollywood/bollywood movie moment too. In her case, she probably loved the idea of meeting a guy at a wedding who lived in another country whom she could eventually move away with and live happily ever after..without any real intention of doing it. Just a fantasy. When things got real, she switched off...and that was it.

You're going to hurt a lot over this and the hurt will get worse and make you want to contact her. Please don't.

If you remain in NC and focus on getting on with your life, you will eventually come to feel much better over time. There is no future there with her. She's a young girl with all the time in the world to screw up and recover from her mistakes. She's proven to be immature and unworthy of your love . You on the other hand are in your 30's. In the prime of your life. Don't waste it on uncommitted, half-assery. That love needs to be given to someone who deserves it. If you continue to remain in this, recovery from all the damage she could potentially cause may take years while she will move on in the blink of an eye.

Goodluck

Last edited by Beachead; 10th November 2017 at 5:00 PM..
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Old 10th November 2017, 5:24 PM   #6
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This doesn't even sound like a relationship, and I'm not sure you were in love, either. I know you're hurt, but unless I'm missing something there was never really anything there.

Yes, lol, you're missing the part where we had the strong connection where we had so much in common, conversations just flowed for hours, she was the want that aggressively kept more and more staying contact, hourly texts, calls, and at one point was the one that wanted to go to bed on Facetime every night. I simply went with the flow and let the feelings grow without pace, without seeing that this thing was going at 100 mph. The connection was strong, everytime I went to visit felt like I was on cloud 9. Made me imagine and think things I've never thought before in my 30+ years of existence. Marriage, kids, slowing down in the career. I even bought a ring.
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Old 10th November 2017, 7:14 PM   #7
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Yes, lol, you're missing the part where we had the strong connection where we had so much in common, conversations just flowed for hours, she was the want that aggressively kept more and more staying contact, hourly texts, calls, and at one point was the one that wanted to go to bed on Facetime every night. I simply went with the flow and let the feelings grow without pace, without seeing that this thing was going at 100 mph. The connection was strong, everytime I went to visit felt like I was on cloud 9. Made me imagine and think things I've never thought before in my 30+ years of existence. Marriage, kids, slowing down in the career. I even bought a ring.
..and despite all that, she called it quits. To her, what you two shared wasn't worth fighting for. Wasn't worth keeping. Wasn't worth it. It takes the beauty out of it doesn't it?

Focus on that, forget the rest and leave her in the past where she left you.

Last edited by Beachead; 10th November 2017 at 7:17 PM..
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Old 10th November 2017, 7:50 PM   #8
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Yes, lol, you're missing the part where we had the strong connection where we had so much in common, conversations just flowed for hours, she was the want that aggressively kept more and more staying contact, hourly texts, calls, and at one point was the one that wanted to go to bed on Facetime every night. I simply went with the flow and let the feelings grow without pace, without seeing that this thing was going at 100 mph. The connection was strong, everytime I went to visit felt like I was on cloud 9. Made me imagine and think things I've never thought before in my 30+ years of existence. Marriage, kids, slowing down in the career. I even bought a ring.
From what I read, it looked like you met her at a wedding but don't even live in the same country, then you only saw her two times after that. How much time did you spend together?
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Old 12th November 2017, 11:26 PM   #9
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I didn't see her two times, I visited Europe two times after the wedding. Spent every day with her while I was over there. The feelings were so intense; I've never felt like that before. The ideas of marriage, a future together, kids, future with someone I can rely on; I've never had that just naturally conjure. We had so much in common, we would practically finish each other's sentences.

Last edited by wishyouneverleft; 12th November 2017 at 11:36 PM..
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Old 13th November 2017, 11:56 PM   #10
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Yeah, but it sounds like you guys basically met a total of, what, three times? It's easy to get swept up in something when being around each other happens so infrequently that it's like a vacation when you finally can do it.

It honestly sounds like you were infatuated; not in love. I know that doesn't ease the hurt any more. But take comfort in that this was not likely true love.
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Old 14th November 2017, 11:37 AM   #11
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Yeah, but it sounds like you guys basically met a total of, what, three times? It's easy to get swept up in something when being around each other happens so infrequently that it's like a vacation when you finally can do it.

It honestly sounds like you were infatuated; not in love. I know that doesn't ease the hurt any more. But take comfort in that this was not likely true love.

Please don't be quick to judge. We saw each other more than three times during those two visits. I know what I felt, and I've felt infatuation before. What she felt is another story, perhaps it was infatuation on her end. But I do agree with the other posts where basically she didn't value our relationship, the age, etc. Just beat myself up that my intuition didn't pick up on this sooner.
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Old 14th November 2017, 11:41 AM   #12
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..and despite all that, she called it quits. To her, what you two shared wasn't worth fighting for. Wasn't worth keeping. Wasn't worth it. It takes the beauty out of it doesn't it?

Focus on that, forget the rest and leave her in the past where she left you.

Despite it all, that's exactly how it is. Thanks man, this really boils it down to the facts. True love doesn't get discarded this way.
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Old 17th November 2017, 1:26 PM   #13
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I really make my life a living hell....

I get dumped by the love of my life and realize it was all a facade, I hit such a low point during those weeks I asked another ex if she wanted to be friends with benefits. I needed something to feel something even remotely close to what I lost. No woman in my 30+ years made me feel the "warm and fuzzies" that she did. First time in my life I felt there was another purpose than to just work, make money, and have career ambitions. Long story short I got back with the other ex, and the problems that we had before are back. She has a kid and his father is now giving her hell now that he knows I'm back in the picture.

I'm not here saying "Why me?!". I take full responsibility, I brought this onto myself. I'm just so conflicted, I don't want to end it with her because she is great and aside from the kid's father, and although I may not feel or see the same things in the future for us, I can make it work. I do have feelings for her and I can see a future together.

I've been single for years and if she leaves I won't feel the same pain as the dumper, but I feel I owe her because not only did she come back, she broke up with a guy she was dating for a month.

I just feel she keeps making the same mistakes, doesn't put barriers with the kid's father, and then I have to see her suffer.

I honestly don't know what to do.
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Old 17th November 2017, 2:11 PM   #14
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the woman you broke up with was not the love of your life. If she was, you would still be together.


Your other EX who is now your FWB should have been relegated to just that -- a purely sexual relationship only. Frankly she was a fool to break up with a BF just to have sex with you. If that sex relationship is bringing you down just end it but for heaven's sake don't treat the woman like a yo-to & try to reel her back in for a 3rd try just so you can feel better about yourself.


Take some time. Heal from the break up that hurt you. Move forward in a healthy way from there.
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Old 17th November 2017, 3:07 PM   #15
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the woman you broke up with was not the love of your life. If she was, you would still be together.


Your other EX who is now your FWB should have been relegated to just that -- a purely sexual relationship only. Frankly she was a fool to break up with a BF just to have sex with you. If that sex relationship is bringing you down just end it but for heaven's sake don't treat the woman like a yo-to & try to reel her back in for a 3rd try just so you can feel better about yourself.


Take some time. Heal from the break up that hurt you. Move forward in a healthy way from there.
I'm sorry, I didn't explain that part. She wouldn't have me as a FWB, so we decided to give it another try. She saved me from being in a very, very dark place because of my ex. I suffered more her (the dumper) loss than my own father's death.

What I have with her (my current gf) I like, and I'll ride it out. Its a lot more peaceful, and though there are feelings, its nothing that I would mourn on the same level if it wouldn't work out. I definitely don't want to love again like I did with my ex, I never felt that way before or after her and I don't want to feel that again. The inspiration and feeling of willing to do anything to maintain the relationship, being completely open and vulnerable, feelings just conjuring naturally and reveries, on top of the reciprocation, (at least the false sense in her case) was blissful.

You're right, I'm committed to her now. I don't want anybody else. If this doesn't work out, I'm clocking out. My grand-aunt never married or had kids. and I've got friends that after splitting up with their wives/ex-fiances also haven't looked either, and its been years. They all seem happy as well.

Being an adult sucks, all the poor life choices that one does no matter how young always comes back. I loathe the old me that once thought womanizing was the "thing". Living around men and a community that treated their sex lives like a scoreboard to see who fornicated the most was such a wrong way to live life. I abhor the way we used to be where you'd give each other high fives for sleeping with a woman. The damage we did to others and ourselves by following society's norms is so remorseful. I don't want to hurt people anymore in that way. The "American Pie" era needs to stop. I admire now the men that saved themselves until they found someone they could have an emotional bond with, and the women that did the same. I just can't believe how our past decisions affect us so gravely; its hard not to regret. Even on TV, Charlie Harper, Barney Stinsen, and any other womanizer gets the idolization. My household didn't help either, but that's another story.

Sorry about the rant, just so much I wish could be different. The Buddhist side just wants to accept, the other side wishes there was a time machine, and part of me wishes my ex never dumped me.

Last edited by wishyouneverleft; 17th November 2017 at 3:13 PM..
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