LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Breaking Up, Reconciliation & Coping > Coping

Is my ex playing mind games now?


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

Like Tree5Likes
  • 2 Post By Zahara
  • 1 Post By Zahara
  • 1 Post By Lostweekend
  • 1 Post By Soak
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 26th September 2017, 12:02 AM   #1
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Michigan
Posts: 37
Is my ex playing mind games now?

About a week ago my ex contacted me saying she missed me (she was the dumper in this relationship) and that it's because we were best friends. She was super warm and when she talked to me, she seemed pretty interested. Yet, she told me she wanted to be friends only, but I told her I could not since I was not over her yet.

One week later, I surprised her with flowers delivered to her work. She waited a few hours before responding with a thank you and was pretty cold. I responded, but she has been ignoring me all day since.

What is going on? How can she get so cold so fast? It seems to me maybe she talked to her friends and they told her that she made a mistake and to be distant from me again (they never liked me)...How can one go from missing someone, since she claimed that we were best friends and talked everyday to this, which is exactly a week later? Is she playing mind games?
MikeLeno is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th September 2017, 12:32 AM   #2
Member
 
EthanSPK's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 172
The fact that she may miss you does not necessarily mean she wants to be with you. That's why she made a mistake contacting you.

She's not playing mind games, she's just confused. It wouldn't be surprising that her friends are bashing at you (happened to me several times, that's why I never meet my GF's friends). Reasons could be several, one of them is that women tend to be extremely envious among themselves, and sometimes will do anything to ruin others' chances to be in a relationship.
EthanSPK is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th September 2017, 11:31 AM   #3
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Michigan
Posts: 37
Quote:
Originally Posted by EthanSPK View Post
The fact that she may miss you does not necessarily mean she wants to be with you. That's why she made a mistake contacting you.

She's not playing mind games, she's just confused. It wouldn't be surprising that her friends are bashing at you (happened to me several times, that's why I never meet my GF's friends). Reasons could be several, one of them is that women tend to be extremely envious among themselves, and sometimes will do anything to ruin others' chances to be in a relationship.
Sigh, if she was confused, I wish she would just be upfront with me about it. I understand that I rejected her request to be friends last week, and that she put her guard right back up and was cold about it since...But she was never like this before. She would tell me she liked me 4 months before we dated, so she was in a more vulnerable state then since we talked everyday for 4-5 months.

I know her friends, and they never liked me from what I could tell. I'm def sure that they're bashing me since the breakup, saying long distance isn't worth it especially if she has 2 more years of college, she should go out have fun and explore, and etc. Funny thing is many of these girls are bfs -.-
MikeLeno is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th September 2017, 12:25 PM   #4
Established Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 8,040
Quote:
Originally Posted by MikeLeno View Post
Yet, she told me she wanted to be friends only, but I told her I could not since I was not over her yet.

One week later, I surprised her with flowers delivered to her work. She waited a few hours before responding with a thank you and was pretty cold. I responded, but she has been ignoring me all day since.

What is going on? How can she get so cold so fast? It seems to me maybe she talked to her friends and they told her that she made a mistake and to be distant from me again (they never liked me)...How can one go from missing someone, since she claimed that we were best friends and talked everyday to this, which is exactly a week later? Is she playing mind games?
She called you to tell you she missed you -- as a friend ONLY. You tell her you can't be friends because you're not over her. You then go ahead and send her flowers.

The flowers are an indication to her that you're possibly wanting more so she's taken a step back and has put up a wall. She's rethinking her decision because you seem to have misinterpreted contact for interest. She likely does not want to lead you on.
__________________
One regret, my dear world, that I am determined not to have when I am lying on my deathbed is that I did not kiss you enough ~ Hafiz

Last edited by Zahara; 26th September 2017 at 1:29 PM..
Zahara is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th September 2017, 2:52 PM   #5
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Michigan
Posts: 37
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zahara View Post
She called you to tell you she missed you -- as a friend ONLY. You tell her you can't be friends because you're not over her. You then go ahead and send her flowers.

The flowers are an indication to her that you're possibly wanting more so she's taken a step back and has put up a wall. She's rethinking her decision because you seem to have misinterpreted contact for interest. She likely does not want to lead you on.
Hm never thought of it that way. Wow wow wow...
I wish we would just talk it all out. I never go closure or anything since the breakup. Sigh realtionships/breakups are the hardest things in the world
MikeLeno is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th September 2017, 3:01 PM   #6
Established Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 8,040
Quote:
Originally Posted by MikeLeno View Post
Hm never thought of it that way. Wow wow wow...
I wish we would just talk it all out. I never go closure or anything since the breakup. Sigh realtionships/breakups are the hardest things in the world
There's enough in your past thread to give you closure. Closure is accepting that the other isn't invested in you anymore and that the relationship has to come to an end for reasons being she's young, she isn't able to commit, she has depression, she's supposedly bi-polar, etc. -- closure. More talking won't give you closure.
Zahara is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th September 2017, 4:28 PM   #7
Established Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 107
She said she wanted to be friends. You then sent her flowers. She is being cold with you because she said she didn't want anything more and you pushed the boundaries by instigating you want more (you sent flowers).

No, she is not playing games. She simply does not want more and is not open to the possibility at this stage.
Soak is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th September 2017, 5:00 PM   #8
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 51
My advice would be that you listen to what she says. Donīt try to analyse it, or create a different version of events. It hurts, I know. You have romantic feelings for her but they are not reciprocated by the sounds of it. The sooner you accept it, you can move on with your life. Friendship is not the right thing for you at this stage, as it will only prolong your suffering and give you false hope. You canīt force a situation either. You sent her flowers and judging by her somewhat "cold" reaction, it made her feel uncomfortable. It made her realise that you might want something more, and she just told you that she does not want that.

I donīt think blaming her friends is right either. By doing so, you are in some ways undermining her opinions and feelings. Like: "Iīm not getting the reaction I want so it must be someone else that told her to feel that way, or react that way"

You should perhaps face up to the fact that she really feels this way and that she does not have romantic feelings for you!
Lostweekend is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th September 2017, 8:15 PM   #9
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Michigan
Posts: 37
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zahara View Post
There's enough in your past thread to give you closure. Closure is accepting that the other isn't invested in you anymore and that the relationship has to come to an end for reasons being she's young, she isn't able to commit, she has depression, she's supposedly bi-polar, etc. -- closure. More talking won't give you closure.

That's true. I just felt that she never gave me any closure straight forward, and all this about her being unable to commit, her illnesses, and etc. were just stuff that came up when I was thinking about the reasons for her to be distant and to break up with me. It's just based off assumptions. She sadly never gave me any closure whatsoever, which is super disappointing, since she kept telling me I was her best bf and she was lucky to have me, and etc. a few days before she broke up with me while we were supposed to talk about long distance (we originally planned to have a long distance discussion on how to go through with it).
MikeLeno is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th September 2017, 8:17 PM   #10
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Michigan
Posts: 37
Quote:
Originally Posted by Soak View Post
She said she wanted to be friends. You then sent her flowers. She is being cold with you because she said she didn't want anything more and you pushed the boundaries by instigating you want more (you sent flowers).

No, she is not playing games. She simply does not want more and is not open to the possibility at this stage.

Ya, she asked if we could be friends, and I said no since I was not ready and would possibly want more if we did become friends. She then became cold right after I sent that last week and has been since then. And sorry, I forgot to mention I got her flowers bc she's also taking her MCAT this week, which I thought she would appreciate. (idk if that helps in any way for my motive for this).

And it's confusing bc she said she missed me and was super warm when she conversed with me briefly till I said I couldn't be friends at this moment.
MikeLeno is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th September 2017, 8:23 PM   #11
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Michigan
Posts: 37
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lostweekend View Post
My advice would be that you listen to what she says. Donīt try to analyse it, or create a different version of events. It hurts, I know. You have romantic feelings for her but they are not reciprocated by the sounds of it. The sooner you accept it, you can move on with your life. Friendship is not the right thing for you at this stage, as it will only prolong your suffering and give you false hope. You canīt force a situation either. You sent her flowers and judging by her somewhat "cold" reaction, it made her feel uncomfortable. It made her realise that you might want something more, and she just told you that she does not want that.

I donīt think blaming her friends is right either. By doing so, you are in some ways undermining her opinions and feelings. Like: "Iīm not getting the reaction I want so it must be someone else that told her to feel that way, or react that way"

You should perhaps face up to the fact that she really feels this way and that she does not have romantic feelings for you!
I sent her flowers since she had her MCAT this week, which I thought she'd appreciate it. (that was my motive). Sigh, I just wish she would be upfront, since I feel like she has her guard up since I "rejected" her friendship request. She turned cold in a split second after that one message from me that was that I couldn't be friends.

As for blaming her friends, I just feel like they're just constantly bashing me. Idk why but they never liked me since we dated..and I do not know why. They would always tease and say she never hung with them bc of me and always wanted me to be away from her when we were all together in public in a joking way. But hey all jokes have a deeper meaning to it. And ik a few nights after the breakup, she was confused and went to them, which blew up into a bash session on me.

Lastly, she isa girl who needs validation. Before, I would always encourage her and validate her decisions. She even asked for validation from friends and family, and I feel like her "close" friends are validating her decision to be cold and distant from me and that I'm the villain. Anytime she's confused, she goes to them, and they tell her one thing and one thing only - that I'm not worth a relationship. This is based off my assumptions and from what I view and hear from people as well + knowing her as a person who can be swayed easily and needs the validation.
MikeLeno is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th September 2017, 6:26 PM   #12
Established Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 107
Quote:
Originally Posted by MikeLeno View Post
And it's confusing bc she said she missed me and was super warm when she conversed with me briefly till I said I couldn't be friends at this moment.
These people who dump and then come back with the i miss you thing, are confusing, and you are confused because you are vulnerable and want to see the best in her. Actions speak louder than words. If she has not responded to these flowers, I think you can assume she is not interested in that kind of communication. She probably took the flowers as a romantic gesture (which it was, truth be told!), no matter how you tried to disguise it as a friendly gesture.

If i wasn't interested in anything more than being acquaintences with someone and they sent me flowers, I'd probably go cold on them too. Not to play games, but because it is better to withdraw at that point.

I'd say that you need to withdraw at this point too. Time will tell, if there is anything of substance between you two, she will contact you in the future. Don't contact her for now, let her get on with it and you get on with your life
Soak is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27th September 2017, 9:36 PM   #13
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Michigan
Posts: 37
Quote:
Originally Posted by Soak View Post
These people who dump and then come back with the i miss you thing, are confusing, and you are confused because you are vulnerable and want to see the best in her. Actions speak louder than words. If she has not responded to these flowers, I think you can assume she is not interested in that kind of communication. She probably took the flowers as a romantic gesture (which it was, truth be told!), no matter how you tried to disguise it as a friendly gesture.

If i wasn't interested in anything more than being acquaintences with someone and they sent me flowers, I'd probably go cold on them too. Not to play games, but because it is better to withdraw at that point.

I'd say that you need to withdraw at this point too. Time will tell, if there is anything of substance between you two, she will contact you in the future. Don't contact her for now, let her get on with it and you get on with your life
Ya flowers could be too much. 3 weeks ago I also surprised her with flowers, since the few days before we broke up and while we were laying in bed conversing, she told me she was sad that we would not be able to celebrate our 1 year anniversary together, since I had to go back to my hometown to do some personal matters. However, even though we broke up, I still surprised her with flowers, and she really appreciated it from what I could tell when she texted me. Even though it was brief, I could tell she loved it and loved how I still thought of her/gave her that.

As for the flowers this time, it could be a bit too much. But do you think since I rejected her on being friends, she got defensive and put her guard up/has been cold since? She turned the switch within a conversation once I said I could NOT be friends atm and I explained why. It also seemed like her friends might have told her some stuff and to validate/encourage her to stay strong and away from me. They've been hanging out everyday since we conversed last week, so I think they're bashing me and also trying to help her stay strong and to move on again.
MikeLeno is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th September 2017, 7:32 PM   #14
Established Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 107
It's hard to tell why she is doing the things she is doing from an outside point of view.

She might have withdrawn once you said you can't be friends out of respect, to actually let you move on. Or, she be withdrawing because she realises you are not available as a 'friend', so she is seeking friendship elsewhere (with her friends). She might be withdrawing to harness her own resources, as each individual should do when it's over.

I've never bought the 'friendship' thing after a r/ship has broken down. On the few occassions that i remained friends with ex lovers in my younger years, i would have had very little to no intention of getting back with them as i no longer viewed them in a romantic light. I hate to say it, but i probably kept a lot of them hanging around until i found somebody better.

Hopefully those comments will help, i'm not sure. But in the meantime, i think it's important to concentrate on you. You will likely keep asking these questions about her motivations for a while, but i think you will eventually get answers. They usually come when you don't care anymore, and can arise from random,unsolicited information that comes to light, or from personal realisations when you have a clearer mind, and can see the truth. Usually the latter.

Stay strong.

Last edited by Soak; 29th September 2017 at 7:40 PM..
Soak is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th September 2017, 9:04 PM   #15
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Michigan
Posts: 37
Quote:
Originally Posted by Soak View Post
It's hard to tell why she is doing the things she is doing from an outside point of view.

She might have withdrawn once you said you can't be friends out of respect, to actually let you move on. Or, she be withdrawing because she realises you are not available as a 'friend', so she is seeking friendship elsewhere (with her friends). She might be withdrawing to harness her own resources, as each individual should do when it's over.

I've never bought the 'friendship' thing after a r/ship has broken down. On the few occassions that i remained friends with ex lovers in my younger years, i would have had very little to no intention of getting back with them as i no longer viewed them in a romantic light. I hate to say it, but i probably kept a lot of them hanging around until i found somebody better.

Hopefully those comments will help, i'm not sure. But in the meantime, i think it's important to concentrate on you. You will likely keep asking these questions about her motivations for a while, but i think you will eventually get answers. They usually come when you don't care anymore, and can arise from random,unsolicited information that comes to light, or from personal realisations when you have a clearer mind, and can see the truth. Usually the latter.

Stay strong.
I agree. Tbh, I think she's withdrawing bc maybe me stating that with friendship, I might want more, she got scared and pushed her away. In addition, it does seem like she's seeking friendship and way to make her not think too much about this by hanging with ppl, going to different events she usually never goes to, and etc. to keep her mind off it/help her move on if she hasn't completely done so already.

Oh, you don't think with her saying she missed me and how we were best friends for awhile that she might subtly want to give it another go, but was too afraid to be upfront? I know she has a lot of pride, hence her maybe being cold to me now that I rejected her request to be friends. In addition, last time she went on break with me, I was the one who had to approach her and ask for another chance. Once she agreed, she then told me she didn't know how to go about asking me to get back together, which surprised me. So maybe this time when she asked to be friends, she maybe wanted to get back??

Thank you! I do need to concentrate on myself, since I'm also taking my MCAT very soon. Hopefully Ill get to see her and talk to her in person within the next month after the MCAT.
MikeLeno is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
xAP playing mind games Wambo The Other Man / Woman 12 30th August 2013 5:05 AM
Is he just playing mind games or is it over? Laurakiam Coping 1 26th December 2012 4:35 PM
Was she playing mind games ? Fedor Breaks and Breaking Up 89 3rd July 2011 10:23 PM
...is he playing mind games?? marie evans Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy 123 14th May 2007 1:27 AM
Is she playing mind games with me? sicilian kiss Dating 2 8th March 2006 11:35 AM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 3:27 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.