Gf breaks up with me out of no where (Too young for commitment/Bp and depression?

[MikeLeno]

Hello,

My gf, Liz, and I were dating for about a year. At first, i didn't want to date since I was graduating that upcoming school year and she had 3 more years left of college. But after months of talking, I decided to take a chance and we eventually got into a relationship..

 

It was blissful the first half but eventually turned sour. I saw her episodes a few times during the first half, but it wasn't ever that bad. At most, she would cry to me at her apt and say she might not be able to do well in school at the University of Michigan (school we both were attending), and that she isn't strong enough to survive in this 'survival of the fittest world' and that natural selection will kill her first. Yet, other than the episodes, she and I had the closet relationship. We were pretty sexually active, hung out a lot, I basically lived with her at her place, went on dates, pushed each other and studied together, and shared some of the greatest memories. In addition, we never fought, had the same goals in life such as being compassionate and wanting to get into medical school, and our families were similar in the way that they raised us and how we functioned. Note: I am pretty sure she was taking medication atm but I'm not sure what she was taking. Not 100% sure.

 

However, once finals were over, she went home and so did I. We left on good terms, and I planned to visit her at her hometown which was 5 hrs from me. She planned to show me around her hometown, eat all these great dishes, attend an NFL game with me and her family, and etc.

 

Then her dr. prescribed her to her take Lithium, which she warned me/was scared that she may start having some side effects. I reassured her that everything was going to be ok, just like how I've been supportive through the months of knowing her and being her bf. Slowly after taking it for a few weeks, she tells me that she needs space and to figure herself out. (it might have been an easy way of saying she wanted to break up. i really don't know). It shocked me, since we never had any problems to be broken up. I didn't know what to do and I just blamed it on the medication. Tbh, it was really heartbreaking and almost put me into a state of depression.

 

3-4 weeks later, we talked it out and decided to give it another go. I grew a bit during the time, and I guess she did as well - maybe she just needed a breather from me and everything that was going on. She never tells me straight up! We decided that we didn't have to hang or talk as much like everyday if she felt suffocated or didn't feel like it. This semester went pretty well too. Other than having a few episodes where she felt that she wasn't right for school, for the most part was ok..I do remember her withdrawing herself from me and everyone sometimes - staying in her room and skipping class for a few days.

 

On the good note, we still went on many dates, shared our feelings, had good talks, and everything.

 

Yet, we studied less together, i stayed over less, her sex drive was much lower so we wouldn't have much sex, there were times when she withdrew from me even though when i saw her with her family and friends she seemed so happy which was bittersweet since i want her to be happy but she was cold with me during those times she was laughing and happy with them. it was confusing...She went hot/cold with me too and i felt like i was walking on eggshells - always helping her, supporting her, and offering help when needed. (From what I read, it seems like ppl with bp trusts their spouse/s.o, so they show their true inner feelings. But when they go hang with friends, they put on a face. I do remember my ex saying that even though she has a smile on, she's still hurting deep down, which confused me at the time until reading up on some personal experiences via different forums)

 

Once i graduated, it seemed pretty good still. even though we went back home to our separate cities, we still had decent conversations even though it wasn't like it was once before. We would talk, but she would respond for a few hrs, usually around 2-6 pm when she gets up or is free/felt like it. Then i wouldn't really hear back from her that day till later the evening.

 

She then went on vacation as I studied for my MCAT, but she felt suffocated so I gave her space. Idk what i even did, since i only talked to her maybe once a day, since she was in Asia and I was in Michigan. I also reassured her to have fun and to not worry about having to talk to me everyday....

 

A few weeks later she messages me while she was still on vacation that she misses me, loves me, is lucky to have me, breaking up never crossed her mind, apologized for feeling suffocated even though i didn't do anything in particular, is worried that we might not be communicating at our best, and that she can't wait to see me when we got back to University of Michigan.

 

Once we got back, which was still in July/1 week after she messaged me all about missing me/loving me/etc, we did everything a couple usually does - we hung out, went on dates, had sex, and caught up. She was super excited to see me, reassured me again that breaking up never crossed her mind, even said I could stay with her the next year when I'm taking a year off bt undergrad and med school. The future seemed bright!

 

However, it started to crash when she claimed to have missed her medication (lithium still if i am correct) for 3 straight days. Yet, she still went with me and hung out with my friends. Everything was great and she reassured me that nothing was wrong....

 

Yet, the next day after saying that ^, I went over and hung out with her and watch a movie, which went really well. After hanging out, she asked if I still wanted to talk about long distance since that was something I brought up to her earlier that day that I wanted to do with her. Less than 5 minutes in, she tells me that she wants to break up. She avoids showing much emotion and even covers her face from seeing my emotions. I was super confused and sad. All she said was she doesn't and can't do a relationship rn - nothing else. I asked: do you still love me? do you still want to be with me? Her answers were that sometimes she loves me and wants to be with me. Other times no...which was super confusing! She always speaks about not being passive aggressive, but idk why she never told me her true feelings if we had problems like this/she felt this way.

 

I tried getting her back and to talk to her but it never worked. She never gave me the chance to meet up with her even though she agreed to talk to me a week after we both cooled down and had time to think.

 

It's been almost 1.5 months, but I've been thinking about her day and night! I feel like the breakup was super spontaneous, but she disagrees. I also feel like some of her friends influenced her and are still in her ear, but she claims that this was all in her mind for awhile and that her friends have nothing to do with this. Yet, if it was really in her mind, I don't understand why she would reassure me about all that "good stuff" and agreed to communicate and make a plan for long distance. I'm just so confused atm. I feel like it's a mix of spontaneity, friends influence, pressure of long distance and the hardwork and commitment for it, since she knows i'm serious about this relationship. Possibly she was way too into her thoughts, which controlled her and she panicked and decided to break up on the spot with all the pressure of talking long distance. She went to talk to her friends a few days later, and I believe that their validation pushed her along with the breakup and not wanting to get back. Ik ppl with depression seek validation according to different forums and from what she's told me when she gets into episodes.

 

As for the friends infuecene, I feel like they have an impact in why she's been going out, partying, and drinking these days - live it up i guess. It's been about 4 straight days of "chill drink" or going out and partying. I'm worried for her, since drinking may affect her medication (lithium) even if she tells me her dr is ok with it if it's at a moderation.

 

I also feel like this might not be her/rather just a phase in life since she's 21 and in college still and that she might just be following the crowd. She never likes drinking and always avoided it and even trashed it when we were together, but she is now doing all of this which is confusing.

 

She also changed majors and decided to quit pre-med. Her priorities seem to shift.

 

As of now, I just offered to be there for her if she needed me for anything. I would hate to see her get hurt in any way. (It's not healthy but we have texted at least once a week since the breakup - I've tried surprising her with random surprised foods/drinks and even a gift for our 1 yr even though we were broken up by then)

 

Please lmk whats going on if y'all have dealt with something like this personally. I still really care for her and love her. Is this normal for young college individuals around the 21 year old who are diagnosed with bipolar/depression? It's super confusing how she'll tell me everything, but do the opposite..or the fact that she reassured me that all was good but then breakup with me a week later. Idk why she feels suffocated and all, i really haven't done anything to make her feel that way. Lastly, her going out, drinking, and shifting her priorities seem weird - maybe she's just trying to fill her days with activities so she can move on/forget about me/cope with her depression?

 

In addition, she says the I need to seek self-worth/take care of myself, and that she feels sorry for making me feel sad/heartbroken. She says ill find someone who will give me what I deserve.

 

Even on Lithium, can one still be sad and depressed/bp?

[Frostedflake]

Even on Lithium, can one still be sad and depressed/bp?

 

Absolutely.

Medication is for the symptoms, they're not cures.

These things are not linear. You don't feel the exact same every day, do you? Some days are more stressful than others. However, when it is a constant challenge medication has to be adjusted and dosages raised or lowered.

 

More importantly, are you able to identify her moods without defaulting to blaming the medication or the illness?

21 is still very young and you don't realize that until years later when you can add up that most of your pivotal life changes occurred in your early to mid 20's. You're trying to chart this girl out, say something is unlike her, when in reality- she's still growing. She might not even have herself all figured out. That's not fair.

[MikeLeno]

Disregard.

[MikeLeno]

Absolutely.

Medication is for the symptoms, they're not cures.

These things are not linear. You don't feel the exact same every day, do you? Some days are more stressful than others. However, when it is a constant challenge medication has to be adjusted and dosages raised or lowered.

 

More importantly, are you able to identify her moods without defaulting to blaming the medication or the illness?

21 is still very young and you don't realize that until years later when you can add up that most of your pivotal life changes occurred in your early to mid 20's. You're trying to chart this girl out, say something is unlike her, when in reality- she's still growing. She might not even have herself all figured out. That's not fair.

 

 

There has been some days where she was withdrawn from me and her friends and family. Some days she skipped class and didn't want to leave her room. Tbh, I don't remember it all exactly. I wish I realized it more. However, she was really happy when we went on dates, did stuff together, and appreciated me helping and supporting her.

 

She began to start this hot/cold emotion to me a bit after taking Lithium. She was never ike this before the medication, so this is why I'm assuming it's the medication. She is still young, but Idk why she wasn't just straight forward with her wants - going out, exploring, and etc. If anything, I think her friends are influencing her to give up on me since we're about to go long distance and that it's not worth it bc she's still young. Like why would you reassure me that you love me/tell me that breaking up never crosses your mind and all a week before the breakup and even days before it, then breakup with me? (she did miss 3 days of her medication from Sunday to Tuesday. Weds she told me and called her mom that she was sad. Thursday a bit withdrawn and sad as well. Fri evening breakup when we were supposed to talk long distance and how to face it).

[bummer]

She is still young, but Idk why she wasn't just straight forward with her wants - going out, exploring, and etc.

 

She can't express herself because she doesn't want to hurt you too and because she's young and hasn't figured it all out yet. Vicious circle.

 

If anything, I think her friends are influencing her to give up on me since we're about to go long distance and that it's not worth it bc she's still young.

 

Does it matter? If she's so easily swayed and flakey, she wasn't that into you. Words are words. Actions are actions. Why she did what she did is less important than WHAT she did. She broke up with you, because she felt it was the best choice. That's your answer and probably the hardest part to accept.

 

Like why would you reassure me that you love me/tell me that breaking up never crosses your mind and all a week before the breakup and even days before it, then breakup with me?

 

Ahh, the juicy part. So, fact is when she's telling you that "breaking up never crosses her mind" it's actually the opposite. Likely, she's been combating herself on this for MONTHS. MONTHS! Perhaps before the meds. She's actually trying to convince herself with all this talk as much as you. She was on the outs long ago. That's the pivotal clue.

 

Work on that self worth! Can't save her and you don't want to. You don't need to care for a fritzy basket case long distance along with medschool demands. You'll bounce back!

[ayoung73]

I noticed several times where you blamed yourself, the comments suggested the problem was with you, ‘I don’t even know what I did.’ You are NOT the PROBLEM! Based upon what you’ve mentioned the issues lie with her, medicated or not, a person with deep seated psychological issues can continue to suffer whether they are on medications or not. You know if you’re responsible for failures in your relationship, but from what you’ve described, she’s in a lot of pain, it may take years for her to become stable and have the capability to carry on a healthy relationship with someone. Be there for her if needed, but don’t blame yourself or beat yourself up over something totally out of your control.

 

Too often people are quick to blame themselves over failures they have yet to realize are not, NOT, their own failures. You sound like you’re a caring young man, take what positives you can from this relationship, if you still feel for her, let her know and tell her how you feel. It takes two people, a relationship is built by the hands of each person, if she’s unwilling to work on your dynamics, well, she’s given up, and that’s not a negative toward you. She sounds like a wonderful woman, and I’m sorry you both are in pain, but you can’t continue in this manner. Help her if you can, let her know you care, and take this time to be introspective. If it becomes overwhelming don’t feel embarrassed about going to a psychologist or visiting with your pastor etc.