How do you deal with regret?

[Logo]

I'm an emotional wreck tonight. In the last few days of my relationship with my ex I contributed to the demise of the relationship.

 

 

She put the end in motion and I clumsily contributed without realizing the repercussions.

 

 

And I know that when it comes to regrets the only thing we can do is learn from them and move on.

 

 

But tonight, I'm beating myself up and I don't know what to do with the regret and the anger I feel toward myself. It's making me sad and I don't know how to deal with this deep sense of sorrow.

 

 

I have maintained no contact because I needed to heal and I needed to build my self esteem because I wasn't going to allow myself to be a doormat after what she did behind my back.

 

 

But I still regret what I said and I feel like after all these months, I feel an urge to contact her. But I'm scared it will only send me down a bottomless hole.

The thought that she might not or does not love me anymore hurts really bad.

 

 

I had moved on, but this thing tonight completely blindsided me.

[la74219]

With all due respect, she likely won't care if you apologize. Been there, done that. Forgive yourself...that's all that matters. Hang in there man.

[Chilli]

l don't know what your sitch was , or how big it was.

But it sounds like she did something very very bad to you first and l'd guess what that was, so ease up on yourself man.

 

but during 20yrs of marriage, believe me , you can really manage some major, major and serious Eff ups.

So yeah , l have huge regrets from it all. and nearly 5yrs, l'm still not all that sure what to do with them. of course l can't really do anything with them , but l still wish l could undo, yknow.

 

l did write my ex w a letter about 6mths after we split , apologizing from the heart and acknowledging things. l know she would have read it .

But there really wasn't much else l could do.

 

Someone round here wrote something really really wise about regrets , a wk or two back.

l wish l could remember what thread it was in and the words exactly.

Hopefully they'll see this thread and post it again maybe.

[Logo]

She cheated on me. This feeling of regret somehow crept up on me yesterday and I started wondering if there could have been something I could have done differently to save the relationship.

 

It's probably the millionth time I have asked myself that same question over the last several months. And each time I forget what my conclusion was the last time I thought it over and I start thinking it over. And then I realize that while I might have made some mistakes, they weren't anything major. If anything, I put up with a lot from her.

 

The thing that I regret happened well after she treated me like crap a few times. Sure, she apologized, but the frustration on my part just kept adding up, you know? We kept growing apart.

 

From everything she told me, I don't know what to believe. I eventually found closure from within. But once in a blue moon, things creep up on me.

Edited July 14, 2017 by Logo

[SevenCity]

If she cheated on you I'm not sure what you regret. There is nothing you could have done differently. She can't help herself and would have done it eventually no matter what.

 

Regret getting involved with her and use the traits you saw (or see now) as a litmus test for the next one.

[Funny bunny]

I know what you're experiencing except in this case I was the one that did harm. I slapped him in the face after I snooped through his phone when I was really drunk and found messages of him telling his old female coworker how he thought a girl from his current job was hot. There were lots of things building up besides this.. Frustrations

 

He dumped me and I have struggled with the regret but the bottom line is they didn't stay and didn't love enough to work through it. All it takes is hey lets sit down and analyze what's going on, what's happening? Should we go see a counselor or someone to save this? That wasn't there on his end and I wanted to try and make it work. This is enough to push me to move the **** on. There is no other choice.

[Logo]

I'm waiting for the day when a failed attempt to go on a date or get a date doesn't send me back to thinking about the happy moments we shared together. Every time I think about those moments I feel a deep sadness that things didn't work out the way I had expected them to work out.

 

Whenever there's a potential for a new relationship forming or a new date with someone I start to feel hopeful again. When that falls through I start thinking about my ex.

 

 

I have a hard time believing that I will have a strong connection with anyone soon as I did with my ex.

 

 

I feel like I will never experience a 'honeymoon' period again. And it makes me frustrated, angry and sad.

 

 

Her low self esteem and constant need for validation ruined the relationship. She started acting strange at some point and every time I asked she had an explanation. But in hindsight she just didn't know how to deal with any crisis in her life, no coping abilities. Instead of pulling me closer, she pushed me away.

 

 

I'm trying to keep myself distracted with other things, but the sadness and frustration often make me lose focus and I end up being less productive than I would like to or can be.

 

I see couples holding hands, I see them embracing and I miss that. I miss that spark, that intimacy and tenderness.

 

One day at a time.

 

In the meantime I appreciate the good friends and family I have. They are a great support system and I'm grateful for them.

[fieldoflavender]

I see couples holding hands and remember how other people might have seen us and thought we were happy when we were not. Not is all that it seems.

[Logo]

True. I guess I remember the good ol' times. But toward the end, when things were rocky, we still held hands.

 

Now that I think about how she treated me, I get upset. I wish I had left when the leaving was good, but I thought I could save it.

 

She became more and more resentful and upset over minor, trivial things, keeping it all inside, letting things fester. I think she had anger issues or she was simply a controlling narcissist.

Edited July 23, 2017 by Logo

[Logo]

.............................

Edited July 24, 2017 by Logo

[Bastile]

It's perfectly okay to feel some regret - but not too much. There are other women in the world that you can apply the things that you've learnt from this one. And why would you want to deny yourself that opportunity to further learn and grow?

 

It's a journey more than a destination. Each moment is a brick on our path leading somewhere. That's what this relationship was.

 

It can be a platform to build off of. Or it can be an anchor around your heels. And that's completely up to you.

 

Come back in 6 or 12 months, and re-read this thread. If you are in a different place as a different person, then I think you are doing it right.

Edited July 24, 2017 by Bastile

[Logo]

I understand.

 

But I'm at my wits' end.

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/615186-how-you-coping-today-502.html#post7372932

 

 

In the metaphorical sense, I feel like the breakup was the start of a long winter of discontent, that it will be years before something good like a trusting, loving, caring and happy relationship is going to happen. Since then I have felt that the relationship was a peak that I will never be able to reach again, perhaps because it made me so happy, it gave me something I didn't have for years, and then it was taken away from me, as though I didn't deserve that kind of love and happiness in the long-term.

 

 

Self pity, I know. But I can't seem to able to shake that feeling. I'm emotionally exhausted.

[Bastile]

It seems like people get dumped out of a very emotional and potent relationship, only to turn to online dating. I think that is completely the wrong response.

 

I think it's more important to enjoy life throughout at a base level. And then add dating on top of that.

 

For example, using your hobbies to enrich your life, expand your social circle, and eventually meet women that way.

 

That's one way you can work through a break. Be putting the foundations in for something further down the road when the time is right. I suppose you can think of it as a holistic approach.

[Logo]

It seems like people get dumped out of a very emotional and potent relationship, only to turn to online dating.

 

For the record, I wasn't dumped. I actually dumped her.