Heartbroken yet again...

[Cora]

I am very torn up over this situation and can't seem to move past it. It's been over two years since my ex left me with no goodbye. I finally moved past it, but now, here I am shattered over a short romance. I am so sorry in advance for the length of this post.

 

I met this guy online back in May of this year when he messaged me a very genuine and sincere note that stood out from all the rest. He was very friendly and cute so I said what the hell and responded. We exchanged numbers fairly quickly and stayed up into the wee hours of the night texting each other even though we both had work early the next day. The next day was a Friday and he asked me to meet him that evening after work for dinner. I agreed and we had a wonderful time even though my nerves were all over the place. I offered to pay for dinner, but he would not allow it. He actually never allowed me to pay for anything. He was very talkative and at first I did not think this was going to work out as I just wasn't feeling it with him. However, the more we talked and the more time I spent with him he began to grow on me very quick.

 

Things moved very very quickly with us. After our first date/meeting I ended up going on vacation with my family. He kept in contact with me the entire time though. Constantly sending me pictures, asking me to send him pictures, asking how my vacation was going, telling me he couldn't wait to see me again, asking if he could call me etc. We also had some very in depth conversations while I was on vacation. I ended up telling him things I normally would not reveal to just anyone that quickly. But he was so easy to talk to and I felt so comfortable opening up to him.

 

As soon as I got back from vacation we met up again pretty quickly. We were starting to see each other on pretty much a daily basis. He always initiated our dates. He also kept in constant contact with me...everyday I'd hear from him. We had many many conversations about everything under the sun. Like I said he was so easy to talk to. He could be pretty clingy. Asking me if I was seeing any other guys? Sometimes he'd get upset if I wasn't able to respond to his texts right away. Always texting me sweet messages about how he missed me and couldn't wait to see me again. Couldn't wait to hold me in his arms again etc. We also slept together pretty early on which wasn't intended, but just kind of happened. It was like a whirlwind and I felt like I was on cloud nine. He made me so happy. We would see each other after work during the week and on the weekends...sometimes even twice in one day. He was very sweet and caring. Always asked me to contact him to let him know I made it home safely after our dates. If we were texting each other and he felt like I was upset or wasn't myself he'd call me to smooth things over. I spent more time at his place than I did my own. Things couldn't be better. Never have I had a partner who wanted to be around me as much as he did.

 

But then things started to go south very suddenly. We were texting one night and he seemed a bit distant, but nothing major. I asked him if everything was ok and he said nothing was wrong. So I overlooked it and got back into our conversation. The conversation was going great until I opened my mouth and told him I was really starting to like him...maybe too much. His response was "don't do that. way too soon. I don't know when I'll be ready for a relationship." Well I wasn't asking him for one as it was too soon to be talking about that and I told him that. I just couldn't understand why he would say something like that after he was the one acting like he was really into me with all the texts, calls and wanting to see me constantly. It kind of hurt me because when I told him I was really starting to like him I guess I was just expecting him to say it back. I was definitely not expecting to hear what he said. Anyway, ever since that conversation things haven't been the same and his whole demeanor has changed. He became very very casual with me. We still saw each other pretty regularly, but not quite as much as we used to. And when we did see each other it was mostly centered around sex. The texts also got less frequent and more casual. No more him saying he missed me or the sweet texts he would normally send. He didn't ask to see me as much. We sort of fell into a friends with benefits type situation.

 

Then more recently things changed more drastically. It all started when I got sick with bronchitis..I wasn't able to see him for a few days. We did end up seeing each other again once I got better and I thought we had a pretty good time...but that was the last time I saw him. A whole week went by without a word from him. The longest we had ever gone without communicating. I'd ask to see him, but he was never available. He started ignoring my texts. Would not respond until hours or sometimes days later. Most times he would not respond at all. I'd call him, but he would not answer. We'd finally manage to make plans to see each other, but he wouldn't follow through. I finally got fed up a few days ago and asked him what was going on because it was obvious he had lost interest or met someone else he liked better. I told him to please just let me know and that I would hold no hard feelings towards him. He did answer that text the following day, but all he could say was how he hadn't forgotten about me, but knew I was still trying to recover from being sick and how he had just been busy with playing pool (a hobby of his) and work. Well he knew I was feeling better as I told him several days prior that I was 100% well. So I felt like that was an excuse. He also was never too busy to communicate and see me before so I'm sure he's met someone else. Now he won't talk to me at all. I text him today trying to see if he wanted to meet and watch the fireworks together...no response. I told him I missed him and got no response.

 

So I guess it's over. I am just so very hurt over this. I know this was a very very short romance, but we spent practically everyday together so it felt a lot longer. I am surprised by how much this is hurting me. I have been in relationships that were much longer, but did not hurt this bad. All I could do was cry and sleep today. I'm dreading work tomorrow because I'm exhausted and depressed. My mind wont shut off. It just keeps analyzing everything over and over again. I replay every single detail again and again. I wanted so badly to just go by his place today and confront him, but I know that wouldn't do much good. Funny how you can be on cloud nine one minute and the next so damn depressed. Things changed so suddenly. I didn't see this coming. Why am I taking this short lived fling so hard??? :(

Edited July 5, 2017 by Cora

[Funny bunny]

I think you might have figured out that the relationship was more about sex. A guy will say and do anything to get into a beautiful woman's pants. It's how guys are wired. You will get past this and just learn that next time you sleep with a guy to have his monogamous commitment first. If he has the guts to get into a relationship with you and then get sex then that's the guy you want. It's just a learning lesson I dating. I know you're hurt. I would be super angry too. You will get through this!!! I'm going through a 4 yr breakup myself. Happened to months ago. Stay positive and just take it as a dating learning lesson.

[divegrl]

Cora I'm so sorry.

 

I've been in this situation so many times. Guy pursues and pursues and PURSUES you. You finally open up. Guy becomes distant. Ughhhh.

 

I agree, these short intense relationships, can leave us reeling and feeling very hurt when they end.

 

I hope your doing ok today. Hugs.

[Cora]

I think you might have figured out that the relationship was more about sex. A guy will say and do anything to get into a beautiful woman's pants. It's how guys are wired. You will get past this and just learn that next time you sleep with a guy to have his monogamous commitment first. If he has the guts to get into a relationship with you and then get sex then that's the guy you want. It's just a learning lesson I dating. I know you're hurt. I would be super angry too. You will get through this!!! I'm going through a 4 yr breakup myself. Happened to months ago. Stay positive and just take it as a dating learning lesson.

 

Wow, I can't even imagine what you must be going through. I'm sorry you're hurting too. Thank you for your reply. At least I made it through the workday. Now I'm just home alone with my thoughts.

[Cora]

Cora I'm so sorry.

 

I've been in this situation so many times. Guy pursues and pursues and PURSUES you. You finally open up. Guy becomes distant. Ughhhh.

 

I agree, these short intense relationships, can leave us reeling and feeling very hurt when they end.

 

I hope your doing ok today. Hugs.

 

Thank you so much! I didn't think I'd be here again this soon. My last relationship ending really did a number on me. It was over two years ago, but it took me forever to get over because I had no closure. I was very hesitant to date again because with dating comes the risk of falling for the person and getting hurt. At least with staying single, while you may be lonely from time to time, at least no one can hurt you. I took the risk, fell for his charming personality and got attached way too soon. I've never been in anything where it moved this fast. I should have seen it coming. I should have put on the brakes. I should know the signs by now. I even told him early on to please tell me if he loses interest or meets someone he likes better instead of just withering away. He knew I as been hurt badly in the past by this same behavior and he promised me he would not do that. Foolish me for believing him. I'm too trusting I guess. Well my walls have gone up and I'm very hesitant to try again anytime soon. I feel sick to my stomach even thinking about dating someone else. I managed to hold it together today at work...just barely. But the tears just started flowing while driving home. I couldn't hold them back any longer. This is hitting me a lot harder than I could ever imagine it would.

[angel.eyes]

Awww, hon! ((((HUGS)))) My heart goes out to you.

 

Fading is such a painful way to have someone break up with you!

 

Sometimes the ending of a short relationship can be more devastating than that of a many years-long relationship. It's probably because of the promise the new relationship held. The flaws hadn't yet been uncovered. In a long-term relationship, you've had some ups and downs and bumps along the way. You're familiar with your partner's deficiencies. You know the limitations of the relationship.

 

You had just met this guy. You hadn't seen his flaws yet. You were in the midst of the honeymoon phase. This guy came on strong and totally swept you off your feet with almost daily dates. Then abruptly he pulled the rug from under you. The way you feel is no surprise.

 

Let work be a distraction. Spend more time at the gym working out. Hang out with a sympathetic friend. Get a mani/pedi. Watch a little mindless trash TV. And just be kind to yourself.

 

Eventually things will get better. You will get over the heartbreak and survive to be a stronger person.

[Funny bunny]

I agree with the above. Get a facial and spend time with girlfriends. Vent to them and treat yourselves. You have you now! I just scheduled a facial right now...

[fieldoflavender]

He sounds like a jerk. I know it's hard to say at this time, but he's not worth your time. You deserve better.

[Cora]

Awww, hon! ((((HUGS)))) My heart goes out to you.

 

Fading is such a painful way to have someone break up with you!

 

Sometimes the ending of a short relationship can be more devastating than that of a many years-long relationship. It's probably because of the promise the new relationship held. The flaws hadn't yet been uncovered. In a long-term relationship, you've had some ups and downs and bumps along the way. You're familiar with your partner's deficiencies. You know the limitations of the relationship.

 

You had just met this guy. You hadn't seen his flaws yet. You were in the midst of the honeymoon phase. This guy came on strong and totally swept you off your feet with almost daily dates. Then abruptly he pulled the rug from under you. The way you feel is no surprise.

 

Let work be a distraction. Spend more time at the gym working out. Hang out with a sympathetic friend. Get a mani/pedi. Watch a little mindless trash TV. And just be kind to yourself.

 

Eventually things will get better. You will get over the heartbreak and survive to be a stronger person.

 

Thank you. I appreciate your kind words. You're right, I need to distract myself and focus on other things.

[angel.eyes]

You're welcome.

 

Love your avi by the way. It's one of my favorites!

[Cora]

I read something today online that really resignated with me.

 

"Remember that no matter how badly he treated you, he has the same longing as you: to find love and be happy."

[Cora]

You're welcome.

 

Love your avi by the way. It's one of my favorites!

 

Aww thanks!

[angel.eyes]

I read something today online that really resignated with me.

 

"Remember that no matter how badly he treated you, he has the same longing as you: to find love and be happy."

 

So true. It's at the heart of the human struggle.

[anassa]

Cora, this may sound odd but I remember you posting 2 years ago about that previous situation which was very similar to one I was going through. That one too was about losing someone during a 'high' phase that we thought had great potential.

 

We have to keep in mind that a lot of pain comes from not letting the relationship run its course and ending due to incompatibilities, life situations, falling out of love (or infatuation). Another major blow comes from losing control; we didn't get to think through it and come to the conclusion to end it. They're both "artificial" reasons in that we have to wonder how much we truly miss the person?

 

Earlier this year, this type of breakup happened to me again but I got over it much faster than 2 years ago. I'm back here due to another type of situation altogether, but I'm reading through journal entries about this former episode, and shaking my head wondering why I even put so much emotion into it. You will be okay - relief WILL come.

[Cora]

Cora, this may sound odd but I remember you posting 2 years ago about that previous situation which was very similar to one I was going through. That one too was about losing someone during a 'high' phase that we thought had great potential.

 

We have to keep in mind that a lot of pain comes from not letting the relationship run its course and ending due to incompatibilities, life situations, falling out of love (or infatuation). Another major blow comes from losing control; we didn't get to think through it and come to the conclusion to end it. They're both "artificial" reasons in that we have to wonder how much we truly miss the person?

 

Earlier this year, this type of breakup happened to me again but I got over it much faster than 2 years ago. I'm back here due to another type of situation altogether, but I'm reading through journal entries about this former episode, and shaking my head wondering why I even put so much emotion into it. You will be okay - relief WILL come.

 

Thank you. I think I remember you and your situation. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't hurting over him, but it's more about me being hurt that this keeps happening to me. I keep getting left the same way. It sucks and really causing me to have trust issues with men in general. I'm starting to be bitter and I don't like that side of myself.

 

I'm so sorry you got hurt again earlier this year, but glad you were able to move past it quickly.

[fieldoflavender]

I have trust issues too but I think what can you do - when your heart heals, you can try to love again. But each time you should be getting stronger if something bad was to happen.

[anassa]

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't hurting over him, but it's more about me being hurt that this keeps happening to me. I keep getting left the same way. It sucks and really causing me to have trust issues with men in general. I'm starting to be bitter and I don't like that side of myself.

 

2 years ago and up until last week, I could have written that post word for word. My latest snafu finally caused a eureka moment for self-development. I do apologize if this doesn't apply to you, but it is true for me... This is where self-esteem comes in -- life will always be unfair, but I believe that people with high self-esteem don't fixate on how they're unlucky. They can bounce back fast.

 

I only just realized that identifying our weaknesses and patterns is not enough; we have to take specific actions to improve ourselves. For too long I just accepted that being emotionally volatile and unlucky was a part of my life, but I honestly didn't do anything to change myself or my way of thinking.

[Cora]

2 years ago and up until last week, I could have written that post word for word. My latest snafu finally caused a eureka moment for self-development. I do apologize if this doesn't apply to you, but it is true for me... This is where self-esteem comes in -- life will always be unfair, but I believe that people with high self-esteem don't fixate on how they're unlucky. They can bounce back fast.

 

I only just realized that identifying our weaknesses and patterns is not enough; we have to take specific actions to improve ourselves. For too long I just accepted that being emotionally volatile and unlucky was a part of my life, but I honestly didn't do anything to change myself or my way of thinking.

 

Thank you! That is very wise advice.

[anassa]

It's actually only been a week so I wish I could say I've done a lot to take my own advice. I've identified a specific thing to accomplish (study and take a particular exam) but I still dance around committed actions. I was good the first two days after the breakup but every day since then has been the same old heartbreak process.

 

I hope you are better today. Good luck!

[Cora]

It's actually only been a week so I wish I could say I've done a lot to take my own advice. I've identified a specific thing to accomplish (study and take a particular exam) but I still dance around committed actions. I was good the first two days after the breakup but every day since then has been the same old heartbreak process.

 

I hope you are better today. Good luck!

 

I wish I could say I'm doing better today. I'd be lying though if I said I was. All I do is cry and then feel numb. I'm considering going for therapy. Been researching therapists online. Been thinking about it for several years now. I think it may be time to bite the bullet. Hoping that may help me some. I don't want to be on medication or anything. Just someone to talk to and help me through my issues. My self esteem sucks right now and I've been depressed for some time now.

 

I hope you are doing better. I think it's awesome that you've realized the issue and are working towards overcoming it. I know you'll get there. I think in time we will both get there.

[anassa]

I think you should! I also delayed doing so -- only just did for the first time in June. Keep in mind it can take awhile to try out and find a therapist that suits you. While I found mine to be a bit awkward and quiet, I'm going to go back for at least one more try to see if our dynamic improves.

 

Even if I don't stick with this one, going for that initial session helped by:

1. Making me feel good that I was taking action

2. Having someone hold me accountable -- e.g. I wanted to end my latest bad relationship before I see them again (and I did end it). I hate disappointing people even if they're not there to judge

3. Having someone to tell my darkest secrets -- which I currently do with friends, but I want to move away from unloading on them

4. The therapist was able to offer one nugget of insight in my case, which I still think about from time to time

 

Keep us updated!

[angel.eyes]

...I'd be lying if I said I wasn't hurting over him, but it's more about me being hurt that this keeps happening to me. I keep getting left the same way. It sucks and really causing me to have trust issues with men in general. I'm starting to be bitter and I don't like that side of myself.

 

Awww, hon! You can't worry too much about guys leaving you. All dating will result in one partner leaving the other, at least until you meet your final life partner. Even then, one of you will ultimately leave the other behind (through death). To experience the heights of love, we have to make ourselves vulnerable to the possibility of loss and heartbreak. Sure we can become bitter and guarded, and throw up walls to prevent ourselves from getting hurt. But it also means that we will then never experience one of life's most fulfilling joys--love and deep connection with another individual.

 

Of course, you're hurting right now. Focus on staying busy and doing things that you enjoy. It's okay that you feel numb and are crying. But please don't beat yourself up for letting go and allowing yourself to trust, be open, and fall in love. What you're going through right now will eventually pass.

[Cora]

I think you should! I also delayed doing so -- only just did for the first time in June. Keep in mind it can take awhile to try out and find a therapist that suits you. While I found mine to be a bit awkward and quiet, I'm going to go back for at least one more try to see if our dynamic improves.

 

Even if I don't stick with this one, going for that initial session helped by:

1. Making me feel good that I was taking action

2. Having someone hold me accountable -- e.g. I wanted to end my latest bad relationship before I see them again (and I did end it). I hate disappointing people even if they're not there to judge

3. Having someone to tell my darkest secrets -- which I currently do with friends, but I want to move away from unloading on them

4. The therapist was able to offer one nugget of insight in my case, which I still think about from time to time

 

Keep us updated!

 

Thank you! I will definitely give updates. You should be proud of yourself for taking that first step. I hope your second visit turns out better. I'm going to be on vacation next week, but as soon as I get back I'm going to schedule an appointment. I'm just tired of feeling this way. The vacation is going to be bittersweet because the last time I went to this place was right after I met him. Last time he kept in daily contact with me and I'd wake up everyday to his "good morning" texts. We had some pretty in depth conversations. This time it will be silence from him. I'm just worried that this vacation will dredge up feelings and emotions I don't want to feel, but I've had this vacation booked long before I ever met him.

[angel.eyes]

Can you go somewhere else for your vacation? Or take a friend with you?

[Cora]

Awww, hon! You can't worry too much about guys leaving you. All dating will result in one partner leaving the other, at least until you meet your final life partner. Even then, one of you will ultimately leave the other behind (through death). To experience the heights of love, we have to make ourselves vulnerable to the possibility of loss and heartbreak. Sure we can become bitter and guarded, and throw up walls to prevent ourselves from getting hurt. But it also means that we will then never experience one of life's most fulfilling joys--love and deep connection with another individual.

 

Of course, you're hurting right now. Focus on staying busy and doing things that you enjoy. It's okay that you feel numb and are crying. But please don't beat yourself up for letting go and allowing yourself to trust, be open, and fall in love. What you're going through right now will eventually pass.

 

Thank you so much. You make some very valid points. I'm tired of crying, but the tears keep coming. I don't really have anyone to talk to so this forum really is a lifesaver.