My Experiences, My Life, My Journal

[BrokenHeartedMan89]

Hello LS,

 

It's been a while since I've posted on here... Mostly down to a desire to stop wallowing in self pity and get pro-active on getting my life back on track. A good chunk of that motivation is thanks to this community, so thank you.

 

In line with what Bromeo has done journal to help cement his recovery, I intend to do the same, sharing my discoveries, introspection and progress so that it may help someone somewhere get through what is likely a very dark place.

 

My long story - short. I had my heart broken a year ago, almost to the day. My life was turned upside down, I'd never had my heart broken before. She was the world to me, I didn't appreciate or respect her sufficiently. Mostly because I hadn't really garnered proper respect or appreciation for myself. The stages of recovery are correct, you will feel pain, disbelief, depression, anger, hopelessness, eventually... and i mean eventually... acceptance. There's no time frame, there's no quick fix, there's no help anyone can give you... you have to get there yourself, but you will.

 

I'd like to share some lessons of the last year with you all before I start doing a weekly update. This is more a place for me to write, rather than for anyone to really require a response.

 

1. Closure - I searched for closure for months, I ruminated, I begged, I broke. I let it consume me, I'd never felt pain, guilt and obsession like it. I couldn't get it from anyone. Over time I've come to understand it and I can now see where and what I did wrong. Not to destroy myself any more than I already have, more so, that I can change my behaviors so that in the future I won't make the same mistakes.

 

Those mistakes are the key lessons of a break up. It teaches you something important about your character, if you feel guilt and pain, use it to fuel that lesson and really burn a that character trait in to ... or out of your psyche.

 

2. Rebounds - I rebounded.... I clawed out in search for someone to fix me... I was helpless and wanted someone to just save me. DON'T. For so many reasons just don't. It won't help, whilst it will give you some alternate focus, it will no heal you. A lesson i have learn't here is that you can not love someone until you have learn't to love yourself again. You will only end up hurting and slowly draining/breaking an innocent person, which if you have a good heart, will only hurt you more. Please do not do it.

 

3. Depression - It's a choice... pain is inevitable. Embrace the pain, cry, scream, hell go smash 10 bells of **** in to the nearest drywall you can see... but let it stay there when you're done. I let it linger too long, I planned my own suicide, I found the courage to not follow trough... Pain is change, suffering is optional. I have spent a year going through various levels and degrees of self loathing, depression, guilt, anxiety... suffering... I lost 3 stone in the aftermath of sleepless nights and agony... i've gained 3 stone in self pity comfort eating. OWN it, own the pain, own the remorse and OWN the lesson! Pain is inevitable, suffering is a choice. Don't let it linger for a year like I have. Don't react by trying to make them jealous or remorseful, don't do ANYTHING for them anymore... DO IT FOR YOU. Get proactive in changing habits and behaviors that led to the break up so the next time around, you're not going to make that same mistake, make a positive outcome from the negative situation.

 

4. No Contact - It hurts like a horse kick to the bollocks. But.... it helps and it's the only thing that will give you enough space for your own closure. Stick to it, even in those darkest days when you think you need them... you don't. You only ever need you, just keep doing you.

 

5. Purpose - There's no better time in your life than right now to start doing what you want to do. If you haven't found it yet, then that's your purpose.. to find it. Find whatever that is and start doing the small things that will get you there. I have cut out a lot of things that weren't helping me get to what my purpose is... I wasted my time on mobile phone games, I released my self loathing through drug and alcohol abuse, admittedly, this 'escape' was exemplified in the aftermath of the heart break. Except this 'plaster' for my life wasn't sufficient to cover the wound any more... it only kept me bleeding. Use this pain, not suffering, to really identify the points and habits you are not proud of and make positive action to change them. Massive CHANGE requires massive ACTION.

 

That'll do for this 1st post... I'll be checking back in a week to let my mind free on the keyboard again.

 

All the Best.

 

J

[codest]

Much appreciated, thank you!

[BrokenHeartedMan89]

Hello LS,

 

A little late, these last few weeks have been manic moving home and clearing jobs from my to-do list. Now finally I've got a bit of clear air to breathe in.

 

Which seems to have positives and negatives. Whilst i'm not quite as stressed, the free time has caused a bit of a re-lapse in my mind. I think it's in some way due to the annual events which occur at this time of the year which has taken me back to the pain I was in a year ago.

 

There's a few things I want to put down in the nether to the women that killed and healed me...

 

Princess Ex...

 

You left me empty a year ago. It was my own fault that I'd let you become everything to me, i lost myself in you and you took that person with you. It has taken me a long time to build myself back up - from scratch.

 

I wish I could tell you everything I've experienced, the depths of despair I've been living in, the relentless introspection and guilt which tortured me. I am not proud of who I was, I will be proud of who I am becoming.

 

First loves are destructive, they so rarely last, yet in your mind and heart I think they last forever. A part of me wishes still that we'd defied the odds, but I hadn't learn't those lessons needed to enable that before. It was still devastating how you left me a week after I decided to get engaged to you. You could have told me, black and white what I needed to change, I would have done it... knowing now what the other side of oblivion looks like. Then again, maybe it takes going in to that dark place to really destroy those demons.

 

I blamed you, I hated you, I put you on a pedestal and worshiped you... I ignored the warning signs you never really loved me back, because how could anyone not love someone who'd give their all for you. I was wrong, love is not enough.

 

Occasionally I still dream of you, they don't wake me in a nightmarish way any more, more of a knot in my gut that aches on waking. Nor does the pain pierce my chest any more thinking of you, it's a dull ache that takes me back to a happier time. I have a mostly happy life now, I can't really remember what it was like before, I've scrubbed it all from my mind.

 

I wish I just had the opportunity to truly say sorry, I didn't treat you with respect at times, I see how you lost your trust in me through false promises. I don't blame you for your decision, I don't blame myself any more either, it was a lesson life had waited 27 years to teach me.

 

Ex Bambi

 

I'm so sorry, so so sorry I brought you in to my life vortex, a temporary plug on a black hole which drained the happiness and strength from you. I loved you, but I was not in a place to fall in love with you. I'm still not ready to commit as I still hold the weight of the past on my shoulders. I needed someone to bring me back from the edge and you did that, but in doing so I took you there with me. That was unfair, you deserve everything that your generous heart desires, one day I hope that it is me.

 

 

 

I'm starting to think the only thing which truly heals heartache of the worst kind is progress. Progress in developing who you are and what you do with your life. Find your purpose, something you really care about and start working at it. Bit by bit, it's a positive distraction, not just a distraction, It's understanding that what you're doing will positively improve your life, albeit a small improvement which will bring you closer to a greater goal, that achievement will give you a sense of fulfillment that you have lost in that person.

 

My goal now is to become a self employed developer, businessman and leader, small steps to achieve this every day will get me there, as small steps towards yours will get you there.

 

Happiness, success, control, discipline are all processes, not destinations.

 

Once I have all of these elements of my life filled up and spilling over the top. I'll be ready for a relationship, but i'm not there quite yet.

 

That'll do for now.

 

James

Edited July 6, 2017 by BrokenHeartedMan89

[Guzzard]

I appreciate your sharing and you've come a long way... congratulations.

 

I am hoping to achieve that someday as well. I am in week 7 since my wife left me, here statement was her life's goals changed to wanting to pursue things alone without being married. Ultimately, in reality she didn't love me or love me enough to want to try anymore. It's been very difficult as our relationship was good, but obviously left a void for her that I was unable to fill. I see my mistakes and am still blaming myself. What had really trapped my recovery is that my wife has a historical pattern of self destructing relationships and she also suffers from bipolar. I was trapped for 6 weeks trying to understand if this was a bipolar episode or real. I think I've accepted that at least that part really doesn't matter because the facts are she is gone, not reaching out to me, and ultimately doesn't love me. It's not a great feeling, but its true.

 

I am still on a daily basis fighting to keep me our of her head. Like in your letter, I too, put everything I am into her and had her on the highest pedestal. When she left, yes, she took most of me with her. I am struggling to regain who I am and what my interests are again along with the loss of my companionship, my partner, someone I counted on being... but now is all gone.

 

I was NC for 14 days and feeling ok but still struggling and then she called me to set a date for us to do some divorce paperwork. This conversation feels like a setback. Unfortunately, we have to do the paperwork so I will see her or have to correspond again.

 

I desperately try to shake her from my thoughts every waking moment. I am not sure if these message boards actually help me or just draw me in to think of it more... but I do find I'm unable to concentrate more that 30 seconds on something else. It feels like it helps when I talk to actual people about it, but at the same time there, they are sick of hearing it and I'm not sure if constantly talking about it helps me either. I've tried to focus on other things like setting goals for myself, but can spend about 10 seconds on it and leave without a goal.

 

I appreciate your post though as it is encouraging to see that you have come so far in your recovery.

[BrokenHeartedMan89]

Codest / Guzzard - I am glad this has helped you somewhat. I can completely relate with where you're at and what you're going through. I like most of the desperate people that find this community share a deep emotional pain that binds us. It's what makes this forum a safe haven to really release your inner most thoughts and feelings with other people suffering in silence.

 

I know it was key for me to vent/share/read and learn from the experiences of others, especially when my real life friends and family are tired and exhausted of hearing your heart bleed.

 

Guzzard - Over-analysis and constant regressive thoughts will happen. I'm sorry but I think it's inevitable. It does diminish over time though! It's more or less scale-able with the level of heartache you feel. Right now... you'll think of her every second of every day, your heart with burn like it's got a fire poker twisting through it's core. BUT... 6 months from now, it'll be a burn, one which you itch and think of occasionally. A year from now... a scar you scratch once or twice a week, your mind will wander back to what caused it.

 

5 Years from now, there won't be a scar... just a distant memory of an incident and the lessons you have learnt since.

 

What I hope you receive is closure, internally or externally. The guilt i felt for months not knowing what went wrong tortured me day and night, incessantly. If it was important to you, then closure is important, because WHY matters. I was never able to receive this from her, it was only through having it run through my mind with every moment of our relationship revisited in my visual cortex that I eventually realized where I had made mistake. Also where I was a great friend, partner and lover.... you've got to accept it all. But it's important so you can take those parts of your psyche which are good, eliminate the bad.. and move forward to be the best version of yourself for the future. Everyone can get better and start again, no matter your age or situation.

 

I'm at a stage now where it's scarred, it still burns occasionally, I had to go have a cry last week... it had been months since the last time i cried over her. But I think with the 'breakup anniversary' a little over 2 weeks ago, the painful memories of the breakup came back and she haunted my dreams again. I had to let it out again, nothing wrong with it... it just shows it really meant a lot to you.

 

But it passed, this week's all me again, goals and ambitions. There will be moments that sting you as a memory flares up like it did for me... but let them come and go.. what if's don't mean anything because it didn't happen.

 

I'm thinking of writing one last letter to her to add to my collection of 2 that i've written this past year. Let the last of my emotions towards her out through pen on paper. It seems to help me 'close' off this chapter.