not sure if its my insecurities or if he doesn't want me

[artnoveau]

My last two relationships have been somewhat emotionally abusive, but I thought I had gotten over it in the last 6 months (been 1,5 years since the last bf broke up with me, because I wasn't pretty enough and almost 3 since the important ex broke up with me, because he is a commitment phobe).

 

I feel very insecure about my looks, because I have put on a lot of weight in the last years and thus I generally avoid dating guys at all, because I feel like I can't handle being turned down again.

My new flatmates made me go to this date and I went, thinking I could take it, if it turned out horrible.

But it was actually quite nice, we got along well and made plans for tomorrow and possibly for Thursday as well.

I was a bit insecure, so I wrote to him a couple of times in the three days after our date and he was very short in his answers. My flatmate said, the important thing was that he wanted to meet again.

So come today I made a proposal on what to do on our date tomorrow.

Upon which he canceled, because he had too much work to do. He asked at what other day I could meet, but I feel so insecure now.

I feel like he avoided canceling, until I mentioned the date. Maybe he was hoping I'd forget.

I wrote to him that we didn't have to meet, but he assured me, that he liked "talking to me" and would want to do it again.

So this feels to me like he is trying to friendzone me.

Which would hurt as well. I am actually not sure, if I can take being turned down. I just don't feel emotionally secure right now.

To be honest: I hate that I went at all. I am in a new town, I barely know anyone and I don't feel like I have a social network I can fall back into.

But the damage is done: I've been crying for an hour and I just have no idea on whether I should turn him down, meet again and be hurt even more or just not write back to him ever again. Even if he wanted me, it feels like I am unable to trust him now.

Its not really his fault, I know. But he did the very thing I am scared of and I feel like I need to protect myself.

I didn't think my ego was this fragile.

Do I protect it? Am I paranoid because of my body issues and what my ex bfs did to me? Will I ever get over either or will I always be afraid of dating and thus avoid it? Do I need to force myself to see him again, because I need to take any chance I can get, if I ever want to find a guy, who can look beyond my body and appreciate my personality and intelligence?

(The last bf assured me, I was the perfect girlfriend, expect for my looks and that he really wanted to look beyond that, but he couldn't. And I feel like that is all people (can) do: try to not care, but ultimately: they do).

[RocketQueen]

First and foremost, as hard as it is, you need to remember not everyone is like your emotionally, physically abusive ex's.

 

You went on a date and this guy wanted to see you again. You had fun and all was going well.

 

In my opinion, this has NOTHING to do with your appearance but everything to do with the fact that you gave your stupid ex's good for nothing 'opinions' of you too much importance and scared him off a little with your messages on the days after the initial meeting.

 

Please, please don't let the waffle that comes out of abusive, insecure mouths be the downfall of your future relationships. You are no doubt a good person who I can guarantee is way prettier, funnier and smarter than you give yourself credit for and this guy wanted to get to know you better.

 

I advise cooling off a bit. Try not to over think at this point. if he asked what other day you can meet then I see that as a positive thing, not friend zoning you. At this point the thing that could harm this is your own insecurities brought on by the idiots in your past. Don't let them shape your future.

 

Good luck xxx

[artnoveau]

Thank you for your encouraging words.

I tried to give him another chance, but he has written to me today that he now has a girlfriend and is not romantically interested in me anymore.

So I guess I was right to listen to my gut. He was avoiding me and I am annoyed that everything seems to be a competition.

You can't date a guy without him looking for another, better girl, it seems.

I would have wanted to know, because if I had known I would have never met with him in the first place. I don't like the feeling of being compared or of being in a race. And a guy who's willing to go on a date with me one day, before he gets together with another girl the very next day, is crap too.

 

Unfortunately I was stupid enough to pretend, that I didn't care and hadn't considered him romantically anway.

It felt like a good idea to prick his ego a bit, but eventually that lie is gonna hurt me more, if I have to meet him as a friend now.

But I have to admit: I still prefer it to him thinking he had a chance with me. I don't want to give him that power.

But it is ****ed up, that so much of my self esteem depends on whether someone likes me or not.

(But the last few years it feels like nobody could ever like me romantically and that every guy rejecting me is just a predictor of all the guys rejecting me in the future.)