DevastatedJDC Posted May 1, 2017 Share Posted May 1, 2017 Why do dumpers go so long without letting the other person know there are problems and giving them a chance to work on the relationship? How do you get to the point of no turning back without even letting your partner know until it is too late? This, to me, is the worst kind of dumper - no consideration for their partner. Especially in a long term relationship - e.g. 11.5 years. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 2, 2017 Share Posted May 2, 2017 Because those types of dumpers are already emotionally checked out and not interested in fixing things. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Chilli Posted May 6, 2017 Share Posted May 6, 2017 (edited) Well, for me personally , in a marriage for example, it is a really really big decision. Same with 11yrs , this sort of decision is going to hurt a lot of people to the core , your children, your family , it is a huge huge decision , probably the biggest they will ever make if it's marriage and a family. l think some hope secretly for change to yaknow, or else to be sure. l know l did when it was me. So in their mind they are still giving it a chance. The thing that really gets on my goat is that why didn't they tell you , explain , in that last yr or two , to give you that chance to make the effort. But then , maybe some did , in their way , not sure, maybe the signs were all there , but people are often too much on auto pilot and taking things for granted by then to see them. That happened to me. l realized after. Edited May 6, 2017 by Chilli 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 6, 2017 Share Posted May 6, 2017 Are you sure there was no forewarning? I suspect there may have been hints that the dumpee missed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 6, 2017 Share Posted May 6, 2017 Why do dumpers go so long without letting the other person know there are problems and giving them a chance to work on the relationship? How do you get to the point of no turning back without even letting your partner know until it is too late? This, to me, is the worst kind of dumper - no consideration for their partner. Especially in a long term relationship - e.g. 11.5 years. I just read your other thread and I am not sure why you seem to think you had no prior warning of the split? YOU put your head in the sand for years and when he had had enough and fnally dumped you, you took your head out of the sand and got your act in gear but it was at least about 4.5 years too late. The writing was on the wall, when you excluded him from your family wedding and he got upset about it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted May 6, 2017 Share Posted May 6, 2017 Actually I think most people do indicate there are problems. They either do it too subtlely or it simply doesn't register with the other person. Some times people complain so much it just becomes background noise to the other person and they don't take it seriously. Then when the split comes, the dumpers says they spent years telling the other person they weren't happy and the dumpee says they were dumped without warning. Link to post Share on other sites
CDJ Posted May 22, 2017 Share Posted May 22, 2017 In my situation, I knew there was something wrong about 5 months before we eventually broke up. What I never understood, even to this day, is that on at least 3 occasions I offered to break up because I got the feeling she was finding it hard to do it, and each time she surprised me by saying no (on one occasion literally throwing herself at me and begging me not to). I won't go into detail about what happened as I've covered it in my own thread, but in summary: we finally broke up (again, I initiated it even though she wanted it more); stayed in contact for two weeks (with her telling me she still loved me); she asked me to go around to see her and when I got there she had a guy (now boyfriend, likely also someone she already knew) in her bed. If she was that keen and ready to move on with this guy then she must have checked out of the relationship some time before that incident. So, why not accept my offer to break up? I was making it easy for her! She also told me after it happened that the "infatuation and attraction" had gone and that she didn't think we were compatible - again, why not then accept my offer to break up months before? Usually the answer to OP's question is that the dumper feels unable to break up (perhaps because dumpee is too clingy or fragile, or controlling, or they are fearful of the reaction), that they are unsure about whether they want to break up, or that they simply don't want to be single in between transitioning from one partner to the next one. But in my scenario, none of those really explain why she did what she did. So, to answer the OP - most of the time we just never know! And accepting that is difficult, but crucial to getting over it. Link to post Share on other sites
bananaz3 Posted May 22, 2017 Share Posted May 22, 2017 Why do dumpers go so long without letting the other person know there are problems and giving them a chance to work on the relationship? How do you get to the point of no turning back without even letting your partner know until it is too late? This, to me, is the worst kind of dumper - no consideration for their partner. Especially in a long term relationship - e.g. 11.5 years. I totally get this. Just after out 19th anniversary my spouse said that he wasn't sure how he felt anymore. That he just wasn't happy. Looking back there were some issues but I just thought they were our normal ones...job stress, financials, life etc. You know the typical things couples in long term relationships deal with. The times we have always managed to get through. Now I find it unfair and I am angry that he didn't come to me sooner, that we could have tried counselling, changed things up. Instead it feels like he is just throwing all our years together away. Without even fighting for us! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted May 22, 2017 Share Posted May 22, 2017 Why do dumpers go so long without letting the other person know there are problems and giving them a chance to work on the relationship? How do you get to the point of no turning back without even letting your partner know until it is too late? This, to me, is the worst kind of dumper - no consideration for their partner. Especially in a long term relationship - e.g. 11.5 years.I think because whatever the stated problems are, they are not the problem... they are a combination of excuses and false reasons. Every dumping I've ever been involved in, in either role, the root of the issue was that love either never really existed or it died. It wasn't the cheating (love had already died), it wasn't the behaviors, it wasn't how people were treated, it wasn't any of the stuff that it seemed to be. I think people just lose their affections in a way that's beyond their control, and if the problem is how you eat a sandwich, then you could stop eating sandwiches and you'd still be heading to splitsville. You, for example, believe that your breakup was due to relationship problem A, B and C, and if you'd only had enough time, you could have fixed it. Well, after 11.5 years, let me tell you, it isn't that. Your SO was done with you, that's all. Your SO probably didn't understand that for a while, just things about your started bugging them. Then they stereotyped you with that, and now, this became the excuse. If only you were more ambitious, less ambitious, neater, messier, nicer, edgier, more communicative, didn't wear your emotions on your sleeve, whatever. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I'm sure that whatever was blamed actually did bug your SO, but the reason you didn't get a chance to fix it was because deep down inside, you SO didn't want it to be fixed. Sorry to say it to you that way, but I think that's what you're dealing with. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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