I still think about slashing her tires 2 years later.

[Noluck]

I was in a relationship that led to a marriage that really only lasted a month. It was the single worst decision in my life and has set the bar for my worst set of decisions. The relationship should never have gone towards marriage and actually shouldn't have lasted past 1 month in hindsight. It's the event in my life that I would erase if I could erase my memories.

 

They say things happen for a reason but I am skeptical because sometimes I have a hard time justifying the lessons I am supposed to have learned.

 

I don't feel like I am a better person afterwards. It definitely made me more guarded and cynical. There is an extreme amount of anger and resentment that I had then and unfortunately still have 2 years later (although diluted).

 

I've read the self help books talking about "letting go". I've done the exercises that are supposed to be therapeutic. People talk about "forgiveness" and "moving on" but I'm not sure how to do this exactly. I don't think its normal to feel the level of anger I feel 2 years later. It obviously does nothing but raise my pressure and lead to unnecessary stress. I wish there was a switch to just turn off.

 

I'm not sure if I even have a question to post...maybe i just wanted to vent....at 3am on a Friday.

[Telemachus]

You made a bad decision, which you acknowledge. Your anger, if you harbor an embrace it at all, which I do not encourage, should be directed at your decision and your action in saying the words "I do."

 

That your angry at her is totally ridiculous at this point. Maybe you have yet to take full responsibility for your part in this, because you refer to this situation being something that happened to you. It didn't happen to you. You willingly did it.

 

I'm upset that a driver would run me down in a crosswalk with a "walk" signal and drive off, leaving me in the middle of the street with multiple broken bones. My choices were to crawl to the curb or die right there when another driver hit me. That happened to me, and I crawled. I did no more than use a crosswalk on a "walk" signal, and expect that drivers would stop at a red light.

 

What happened to you is in no way comparable - you willingly said you'd tie yourself to this other person for life. In a way though, both you and I crawled to the curb.

 

I said that I'm upset at the driver who hit me, mostly because he saw me injured and drove off. I shouldn't harbor or embrace anger either.

 

Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and hoping that the other person will die. Think about that. You're harming yourself with your anger, and this time, you can't blame her at all. She has nothing to do with your current anger.

[Frostedflake]

I disagree with the former.

Have anger. But for God's sake, make it productive. And not in a way that's going to put you in court and give her the leisure of wasting more of your time!

 

You also said this decision set the bar for an onset of mistakes you've been making, but, where's the growth? What else have you been doing with your time? Could it be that you can't justify the lessons because you're wondering what brought them on and why rather than learning them? I guarantee you that once you learn something it is then that lesson stops appearing. Because it has no purpose in your life- 'cause what are you going to do? Keep winning at it? You think Life would let it be that easy and keep giving you a test you already practice the answer to? No, man! It throws something different at you. Which sounds pretty refreshing after two years on the same issue.

 

Finally, I'll attest that 'acting out' or whatever is leading to digging for more trouble, more problems isn't going to remedy it. Evil exists in the world simply as it is. You're not going to get gifted all the solutions just so you stop hurting others and yourself. Though I'm also not telling you to be a goodie goodie and that'll fix it either. But if what you're doing isn't working - why wouldn't you try something different?

[d0nnivain]

Some things take longer to process.

 

 

If you are still angry, you are still angry but don't slash her tires or do anything else to her. If you do you will still be angry but then you may also be in jail. That certainly hurts you more than her.

[SixxChick]

I'm going to assume that you were speaking metaphorically regarding slashing her tires. If so, I'm right there with you with regard to my situation. The anger is still there and I can't deny it. But I have moved on and my blood pressure, after being off the charts for two years, IS finally back to normal!

 

The lesson I have learned is there are selfish people out there who lack empathy and only care about their own wants and needs no matter how much you give or how hard you try. You have free will. So does everybody else. Unfortunately, our free wills often don't end up jiving. Such is life.

 

The other lesson I have learned is to guard my hard. Yes, I've become jaded too. But my choice is to not date anymore and I am 100% happy with that decision. I enjoy my alone time, my freedom to come and go as I please, my friends, my hobbies, my career and everything else that I decide to occupy my time with.

 

Time does heal, but at different paces. My anger has dissipated over time. I hope and pray that yours does too. Don't be too hard on yourself about these feelings. Fantasize about actually doing the slashing and then rejoice in the fact that it is just a fantasy because I can guarantee that you'd feel like a piece of crap if you actually did it, which would only make it worse. Almost like stooping to their level. No, for me, success is the best revenge. Take care.

 

P.S. And don't discount the fact that these sadistic thoughts came to you at 3:00 IN THE MORNING. The middle of the night can be prime time for deliriousness!

Edited April 28, 2017 by SixxChick

[basil67]

I read a bit of your history and it seems that you chose a very self absorbed woman. That you sacrificed far more than you should have for her. And yes, you're better off being away from her.

 

But what I don't understand is why you're so angry with her. I'm guessing that I missed a bit of your history where she did something terrible to you. What did she do to incur your wrath?

[Noluck]

I'm going to assume that you were speaking metaphorically regarding slashing her tires. If so, I'm right there with you with regard to my situation. The anger is still there and I can't deny it. But I have moved on and my blood pressure, after being off the charts for two years, IS finally back to normal!

 

The lesson I have learned is there are selfish people out there who lack empathy and only care about their own wants and needs no matter how much you give or how hard you try. You have free will. So does everybody else. Unfortunately, our free wills often don't end up jiving. Such is life.

 

The other lesson I have learned is to guard my hard. Yes, I've become jaded too. But my choice is to not date anymore and I am 100% happy with that decision. I enjoy my alone time, my freedom to come and go as I please, my friends, my hobbies, my career and everything else that I decide to occupy my time with.

 

Time does heal, but at different paces. My anger has dissipated over time. I hope and pray that yours does too. Don't be too hard on yourself about these feelings. Fantasize about actually doing the slashing and then rejoice in the fact that it is just a fantasy because I can guarantee that you'd feel like a piece of crap if you actually did it, which would only make it worse. Almost like stooping to their level. No, for me, success is the best revenge. Take care.

 

P.S. And don't discount the fact that these sadistic thoughts came to you at 3:00 IN THE MORNING. The middle of the night can be prime time for deliriousness!

 

You pretty much nailed it. No I don't intend to slash her tires. She doesn't even own a car, but can't lie and say the thought doesn't make me smile a bit. There are times when I am fine but still every once in a while something comes up and I am surprised at how much anger is there still under the surface.

[sorano]

Its ok to have anger. Let yourself feel it. Don't hold it in. just dont do anything that will harm you or anyone else.

 

Trst me, if I tell you the things I wished upon my ex, lol, forget it. Im doing pretty well. It does get better. will you totally forget, no. I have come to terms with that. I do believe, it will be less painful. Im starting to see what people are talking about. As time goes by, it will get easier. some of us take longer than others.

 

If I sit down at night, and start to really really think what she did to me, I still would get angry. Not full rage, but, anger.

[See-Me-Feel-Me]

I'm a veteran of mistakes. It's hard not to make them without being a douche yourself and going around being dismissive and judgemental. I've learned not to believe anyone who says it's all the other person's fault. I once fell for someone who was divorced at 23. She was so beautiful I believed her when she said her husband just up and quit on their marriage. Man, did I take a shellacking. She had borderline personality disorder and, within a month of hot and heavy carryings on with me, started throwing me emotional curves I could not imagine.

 

I was in my 30's and had worked very, very hard to get myself into marketable shape--trying to answer my own biological clock of settling down and hopefully having some kids. She was 7 years my junior and we met at night school trying to finish out degrees. I couldn't imagine that "complexes" existed like hers. And after two years of ecstasy and agony, not only did I move out of my apartment to break up the relationship, I took myself to a shrink because I was in such a bad state. So, I took my lumps that it was not all her fault and I was just not prepared for that kind of craziness but I learned that if someone tells you it's all the other person's doing, keep an eye out. My cousin, a female, had a big wedding and a crash before the 8 month mark. I don't know the details, but apparently, deep stuff doesn't come out until you're all the way in.

[Ronni_W]

People talk about "forgiveness" and "moving on" but I'm not sure how to do this exactly.

One place to start with forgiveness is to forgive yourself for having made this mistake in the first place.

 

If there are ideas about you should have been smarter or known better, then you could also look at that as perhaps a mental pattern/emotional habit that needs to be broken. (The need to be 'perfect' and not make mistakes.)

 

You could also explore what, within your own mind and heart, led to your impromptu decision.

 

Another potential lesson simply could be learning how to overcome real or perceived 'negative' situations in your life rather than let them be sources for anger and resentment.

 

It might be worthwhile to consult with a professional to help you get to the bottom of your feelings; from psychotherapy to faith-based counseling to stress/anger management classes...each one offers its own approach, yet the result should still be your better understanding of yourself and how you've dealt with this situation thus far.

 

Best of luck.

[spiderowl]

You mentioned in some previous posts about how much you had invested in your ex and how little she did. It is understandable that you feel angry.

 

Your life has not turned out how you expected it to. You think if you do the right things then the right things happen. Unfortunately, this is not always the case. You are bound to feel cheated by life really, but this is also based on a false understanding.

 

The thing is, when things go wrong in life and they are hurtful things, it is natural to look at others and see how things have turned out for them. They are happily married perhaps and you are not. They might have a nice house but you have not, etc. Comparisons like this do not help because they make you feel more angry. Your life has not fitted a normal path; mine didn't either. It can make you feel isolated if your peers appear to be more successful or simply have it easier. If they have company and support too, it can all seem so unfair.

 

I don't think blaming your ex is getting you anywhere. It can't be all her fault. You chose to continue with her despite getting feedback that she was not giving as much as you. You did not do anything wrong but it did allow her to continue to be selfish. In that sense, you can only learn from this and look for reciprocation in any future relationship.

 

You already know that bitterness and anger is not helping you to move forward. Find a way to vent that anger - a safe way that does not harm anyone - maybe in a sport or exercise. But also it is worth realising that not everyone has had the perfect path or life that they anticipated would happen, despite all their input, hard work and dedication. Many of us have supported others and yet found ourselves alone without someone special. What can we do but realise that there are people living parallel lives to the norm and who have had difficult experiences. The best thing to do is to learn from that experience. Life does not stop at 40. I am older than you and I know many people who have met their partners much older than that. Life can change very quickly after a chance encounter and there are always new possibilities round the corner. As long as you are blaming your ex, you will not be able to throw of the chains of a sad experience and move on.