Relapse with New Perspective

[DJOkawari]

It's been "forever" since the break up and I'm still coping. To be more literal, it's been 2 years and 2 months...the relationship lasted about that long so it's getting ridiculous that I'm still in pain. Initially in my pining, I would think about her and what she might be doing but I've been in NC for quite a while so I have no actual idea about her life now. It's hard for me to imagine her face! But, today was a change from all of that:

 

Today, I received a bunch of items I had left in an old apartment which included some paintings she had done for me (for special occasions) and some how also today, I decided to upgrade my voicemail services and I saw I had many un-listened ones. As you've probably guessed, some were from her. The first was a surprise but the others I knowingly listened to. Anyway, her voice sounds unfamiliar. It sounded kind of odd to be honest. I don't remember it being like that. I also don't remember her being so sweet. Ah well, it's all in the past now.

 

Except it isn't. I have no concept of when I'll be over her. I've done so much since the break up - I'm a completely different person and I wouldn't take it back. On the other hand, my dating life leaves something to be desired.

 

I've been on a lot of dates and nothing like love or romance or anything has transpired. The girls I've dated have had every quality better than my Ex and some how I'm still stuck thinking about her. Except, I don't even know what to think about! The old stuff from 2-4 years ago is so boring. I'm a different person now so I don't really relate to that stuff. I don't have any information for thinking about newer stuff, so I just fantasize about what running into her would be like. I realize that's unhealthy so I try to nip it in the bud. Oftentimes I am able to, but some times it is just so enjoyable.

 

I have a FWB right now. I really love her, she is so fun and she has helped me grow so much. But it isn't romantic in the way it was with my Ex. We both know this, she feels similarly - it's more of an intellectual relationship.

 

Any advice for me? Be blunt. Is any of this relatable? What has helped you?

Edited April 24, 2017 by DJOkawari

[Knix]

I don't know if anyone ever really gets over the hurt from a bad breakup, it will always suck, and there will always be a part of you that misses her. You just learn that the relationship wasn't meant to be and it sounds like you also realized that you are a different person now, that's really important to think about. Even if you were to get back with your ex somehow, it wouldn't be the same and wouldn't work out. It ended for a reason, there were problems. When we've lost a relationship it's easier to think about all the great times and mourn, rather than celebrating the fact that the bad parts are over.

 

I remember seeing my first love again years after our painful breakup and feeling no attraction to him whatsoever, I still cared about him and wished him well, but there was no physical attraction there anymore.

 

As far as this new love is concerned, no relationship will be like your others. And why would you want it to be? They're different for a reason. Have you discussed being more serious than a FWB situation with her, since you say you love her? If you don't want that then move on, keep searching. Don't settle for someone out of loneliness or hoping to forget about an ex that you had TWO YEARS AGO!!

 

Maybe there's someone even better than your ex out there waiting for you to be available....

Edited April 25, 2017 by Knix

[DJOkawari]

Yeah, I agree. Not exactly fun advice to hear but I think you're 100% correct. With my current fwb, we're just really good friends who are attracted to each other. She's going travelling this summer and we've talked about how we're both going to be with other people most likely while she's gone. It just isn't that type of romantic situation.

 

But I think you're right about being more available. I'm just floating along in life in respect to romance. If I'm unhappy with this aspect of my life, I need to put in more conscious effort to meet people.

 

I'm not sure why but I can't even imagine having that deep of a connection with anyone right now. I'm not looking for the same connection but just the intensity. I still see my Ex's face everywhere even though I'm not exactly sure what it looks like any more. It's a weird situation to be sure.

 

Thanks, though! Just chatting with you a little has helped me feel a lot better.