Do cheaters regret cheating?

[Purple123haze]

So I broke up with my ex 7 months ago after I found out she had cheated in me with another guy. I ended it there & then. I lashed out, said & done some pretty nasty hurtful stuff to get back at her.

 

Social media turned into a means for us to keep kicking one another. I deleted her, she blocked me, then she deleted most mural friends, aside a few. I deleted photos of her & blocked her back.

 

This guy she cheated with lives in a different country, I was told he went out to see her again a few weeks after we split. After new years she deleted photos of me on another social media platform, then a few weeks later this dude had been out to visit her, so I blocked her on that, a few weeks later she blocked me back.

 

Its been over 2 months now & all has went quiet. We haven't talked about her cheating. My question is do cheaters ever regret or feel guilt after cheating? I'm pretty sure she's just used this dude as a bandaid or rebound because she pleaded with me not to end it & I did & was pretty mean to her in the process. As if. I think cheating is the most disrespectful, hurtful thing you can do to a partner. Its something I would never, ever do. But I can't help but wonder if these people ever feel.any remorse. Any insight?

Edited April 20, 2017 by Purple123haze

[Jj66]

Some do. Most don't.

[central]

Most don't - unless they're caught. Most aren't caught, though.

[Cephalopod]

Most do not. In fact, they like to re-live the memories.

[Arieswoman]

Purple,

Who cares whether they regret it or not? Who cares what goes on in a cheater's mind?

 

They're cheaters full-stop - move on - next !

[MountainGirl111]

My ex husband cheated on me with my/our friend. I saw the warning signs and it was like there was nothing I could do to stop it. He wanted her bad. I guess he fell out of love with me which I could feel that too...how could I NOT feel it, how could I not know. I've always been perceptive. But this was sure like a sucker punch because I could feel it happening and I was at a loss. I KNEW I was losing him.

 

I wondered...oh I wondered...what was going on in his mind and heart to make him cheat.

 

And, of COURSE I wondered if he regretted it.

 

In my case: Yes, he did. He regretted it VERY much and I heard from reliable sources he wasn't doing so well afterwards and started drinking real hard.

 

But, even though I knew he regretted it, it didn't make me feel one bit better. I still had a big gaping wound from the cheating and it has left me jaded.

 

Yes, he loved me. No doubt. But he fell in lust with my friend who he would never have met if not for me. He was always impulsive...I knew that...but he was also spontaneous and fun. But the impulsiveness killed our relationship in the end.

 

He tried to get me back even. No, I couldn't go back. Never again became my motto.

 

Now, I'm in a relationship in which my current BF I think has got the hots for someone else and I'm about to end it, cause I just can't stand it. I know what will happen.

 

In my mind right now I think they are all cheaters and no one is ever faithful. This just hurts so bad. It's pretty sucky.

[4x4storm]

while I have never cheated I think in most cases they live for the thrill of it. Always being on the edge to see if you can get caught. But from what i've seen they don't regret it simply because that person can be easily replaced. My ex didn't even try to work on the relationship instead found another person right away.

Edited April 22, 2017 by 4x4storm

[MountainGirl111]

I would agree, it's the thrill element that often drives a person to cheat. For, some they are simply turned on by being bad...and badder....and badder....taking it to the next badder....

[LOSINGHOPE113]

Maybe I can add my view because I am a cheater, and that is so hard for me to say, I never imagined that I would have this label put on me because I absolutely hate people that cheat with a passion and now I hate myself. I messed up, I never thought I could do it and it has completely destroyed my life and I 1000% regret it, its my biggest regret I have ever had and i'm sure ever will. I didn't do it consciously I was extremely drunk and me and my gf were going through a little rough patch, not that that's an excuse but I certainly wouldn't of done it if I was sober. I admitted to it straight away and it was only once so maybe its a different type of cheating but i'd like people to know that not all cheaters "get off" on it or enjoy it and that it can absolutely ruin them as a person, I can tell you that I have taken this a hell of a lot harder than she has.

[frigginlost]

Maybe I can add my view because I am a cheater, and that is so hard for me to say, I never imagined that I would have this label put on me because I absolutely hate people that cheat with a passion and now I hate myself. I messed up, I never thought I could do it and it has completely destroyed my life and I 1000% regret it, its my biggest regret I have ever had and i'm sure ever will. I didn't do it consciously I was extremely drunk and me and my gf were going through a little rough patch, not that that's an excuse but I certainly wouldn't of done it if I was sober. I admitted to it straight away...

 

Props to you for doing that. It was the right thing to do and although the act destroyed who you thought you were as a person, the act of telling her does show that you do have character. I'd place you in the "I screwed up big time" category but also as someone that realizes what they have done. The biggest thing you have going against you is that a personal boundary was broken and since you have stepped over the line, you have the possibility of doing it again as it's already been overstepped. Keep that in mind, and you'll be fine...

 

 

and it was only once so maybe its a different type of cheating but i'd like people to know that not all cheaters "get off" on it or enjoy it and that it can absolutely ruin them as a person, I can tell you that I have taken this a hell of a lot harder than she has.

 

I can guarantee you that is simply not the case. As someone that has been cheated on, the amount of destruction done to the other party is unimaginable. Those who have been cheated on no longer have trust in *anyone* and it's a very, very, hard hole to climb out of...

[JustJoe]

Most cheaters do, in fact, regret their choices, but usually not until after the affair is over.

[carhill]

So I broke up with my ex 7 months ago after I found out she had cheated in me with another guy. I ended it there & then. I lashed out, said & done some pretty nasty hurtful stuff to get back at her.

She did some pretty nasty hurtful stuff to you. In your mind she drew first blood so you apparently got back at her after the breakup. How do you feel about that?

 

Social media turned into a means for us to keep kicking one another. I deleted her, she blocked me, then she deleted most mural friends, aside a few. I deleted photos of her & blocked her back.

What did you learn from that interaction?

This guy she cheated with lives in a different country, I was told he went out to see her again a few weeks after we split. After new years she deleted photos of me on another social media platform, then a few weeks later this dude had been out to visit her, so I blocked her on that, a few weeks later she blocked me back.

Reminded me a lot of what went on in my youth, absent social media, since that wasn't around. Drama central, on all sides.

 

Its been over 2 months now & all has went quiet. We haven't talked about her cheating.

Do I misunderstand that you're now not together? If you're not together, why are you talking? NC and move on. She cheated, you broke up with her. EOS.

My question is do cheaters ever regret or feel guilt after cheating?

Some may, some don't. It's a potent tool of pain and like other tools of pain it gets used differently and for different reasons, presuming the acts were premeditated.

I'm pretty sure she's just used this dude as a bandaid or rebound because she pleaded with me not to end it & I did & was pretty mean to her in the process. As if.

Hard to know what's in her mind. Regardless, it happened.

I think cheating is the most disrespectful, hurtful thing you can do to a partner.

I tend to agree, short of violence and other criminal acts.

Its something I would never, ever do.

Remind yourself of that every day because a day may come when that reminder will save your soul.

But I can't help but wonder if these people ever feel.any remorse. Any insight?

 

I think regret is more prevalent when in the idealistic phase of youth or, perhaps decades hence, in the reflective period after a long life. IMO, the more one engages in a particular behavior, even an anti-social behavior, the more one tends to become inured to the behavior and rationale for its use. This is likely why opinion on this forum trends to being wary of and eschewing those who engage in serial infidelity over those for whom it was a one-time thing. The hard part in any of that, or figuring out the regret part, is that we can't read minds or ostensibly verify truth or lies. As example, how many times have you cheated in life, using deception to gain for personal self? Think about that. How do you feel about that? How can I verify that you're telling the truth? I can't. Same with romantic cheating. You know what's in your mind and that's it. Everything else is perception.

 

I've had a lot of life experience with MW's and have been married. My best takeaway is that there are as many perspectives on infidelity, cheating and regret as there are people on the planet. Stick to your guns and boundaries and you'll be fine. This chapter is closed so move on, taking away the lessons learned. Good luck.

[elaine567]

It all depends on the circumstances.

How much fun it was, what the consequences were and how much it affected their life going forward.

 

If it was great fun, it got them out of a "horrible" relationship and it had no negative effect on their life going forward, then why would they regret anything?