Relationship over, still living together and struggling.

[Mia_star]

We were together 2.5 years and experienced a lot during this time - unfaithfulness on his part in the early days, death of family members, severe illness, moving in together quickly, job upheaval etc. I found the transition to living together very difficult and I did not prioritise the relationship as I was figuring a lot out in my head (mild identity crises in mid twenties!). But I always held on as I knew this relationship was good for me and would lead to much better things once time went by.

 

We bickered a lot and he went above and beyond to prove himself to me but as he got closer I got more distant and struggled. I became very irritable and snappy, and at times I was downright nasty.

 

He eventually had enough and abruptly ended it. We have a home and pets together. He was ever so upset and emotional when he ended it. I tried to explain that I didn't realise how far things had got and how awful he felt and that it was the turning point to both move forward together and work things out properly. He is adamant this is the wrong move and is flat hunting.

 

I think he is wrong and we have a huge amount of potential and I am struggling with the magnitude of what I am losing. He doesn't feel the same about me and I understand cos I have been dreadful and taken him for granted, I just always assumed I'd have time to rectify my mistakes.

 

It's beyond difficult to see him every day at our home. I've started the process of separating our things and it's heart wrenching. We alternate between sleeping on the sofa and in the bedroom.

 

I am torn between wanting to make him see we deserve another chance which could lead to a deeper and more meaningful relationship, and fully accepting that I need to let go and grieve (which I have been doing but the hugeness of it is overwhelming)

 

I personally believe his plate got too full (he's had a lot going on with work and family) plus our relationship problems caused too much grief and he felt he couldn't lean on me so he's chosen to end this.

 

I'm struggling to cope and I feel horrendous. Plus massive waves of guilt wash over me for how I've treated him and the severe loss of this person I believe is perfect for me.

 

Does anyone have any words of wisdom or advice on how I can be strong?

[d0nnivain]

Sit down tonight & talk about whether this is fixable. If it's not, make plans for one of you to be out by May 1. You can't continue living together like this.

[Mia_star]

Thanks for your reply!

 

Well it's been agreed that I'm staying living here and taking over the tenancy, and I'm fine staying in the place as I feel confident I can make it my own and tbh I am rather looking forward to living alone. Technically he has until early June to leave. The break up only happened on Monday so is very fresh (for me at least). Have already had a sit down discussion about living arrangements tonight anyway so don't quite feel up for another conversation about heavy things.

 

I feel like if there was hope he would instigate rekindling the relationship. I don't want to ask and seem desperate when he is adamant he is leaving and I get from his actions that he wants to leave.

[d0nnivain]

What do you mean 'technically he has until early June to leave"? If that is when the lease ends, that's one thing but it's not good for you to stay in the same place. Moving sooner will be better for you.

[Mia_star]

Yes as the lease ends in June (although I am staying at the house for 6 months or so until I can buy my own place).

 

I feel I want to have a conversation with him about whether he is certain this is the right decision for him, and whether we can work things out. If he says no then that's fine, and I can fully begin processing and grieving the relationship/break up.

 

What I am SO afraid of is if he tells me he doesn't want to continue trying because he has met someone else. I don't think I'd be able to cope with this information. As I feel it would be out of my control and I'd fear he was telling the new person all the bad things about me and why it didn't work out.

 

I'd also feel like it was my fault for pushing him into the arms of someone else, so to speak.

 

But on the other hand if he moved on this quick (either before the relationship ended or less than a week after it did) then that would be easier to swallow as it's the wrong thing to do.

[d0nnivain]

It's not your fault he cheated. An honorable person who was unhappy would have ended things with you before taking up with someone else.

 

 

If he does say he's done, at least you will know & then you can stop holding on to false hope.

 

I do not think it's healthy for you two to remain under the same roof for another month. If you are staying & he's leaving, he needs to leave now. You should consider moving too so you are not surrounded by the ghosts of your relationship.

[Mia_star]

Thanks for your input - although I don't really feel too phased by staying in the same place for the short term - im planning to make it more my own etc and it will be perfect for while I'm saving to buy somewhere myself.

 

I just am unsure how to act during this period where we are forced to live in the same place together.

[Mia_star]

It's been just over a week since he ended things - although we did have an initial conversation the previous week.

 

1st Monday we spoke - I initiated the conversation about how things weren't great and he said how bad he had been feeling etc and it was the first time I realised the severity of it. That week I took a good hard look at myself and identified changes I wanted to make on myself and I gave him some space but tried to act normal and remain positive.

 

A week later - he ended things with me, very emotional. I spent this week in shock but continuing planning things for myself (arranging counselling, focusing on good things, looking to the future and accepting it was over)

 

Following week - I sat down with him and spoke calmly about all that had happened and gave my point of view and discussed whether it was the right thing to do.

 

He is still adamant that it's over and will never work.

 

So I don't know what to do now. We still live together whilst he finds somewhere else to live and I feel this is a viral opportunity to begin turning things around so I don't know if no contact is best. I'm trying to be friendly and polite, have brief conversations that don't turn nasty, and leave him to have space. I've been doing things for myself - going to the gym, doing more of my own activities, seeing family, wallowing and grieving (in private) but I just feel so sad and on edge. I feel like I need to be doing something.