Sad after breakup

[Crab_Rangoon]

My ex and i broke up about 6-7 months ago. It was very much mutual.

 

We hit a rough patch a couple of months before the split (i was going through college stress at the time but she was somewhat selfish and unsupportive in my opinion)

 

We decided to take a break, slept with other people, tried again and still werent happy so we moved out and went our separate ways.

 

This is where the logical reasons i know our breakup was for the best end and emotions start to take over.....

 

Several things still really bother me about it

 

1. One of the last times we spoke she said "ive lost a boyfriend but i've gained a best friend" and within weeks she had cut off all contact with me. obviously i feel like an idiot for this

 

2. She immediately started dating someone else she already knew (i believe they probably slept together when we took a break). She even brought him to help her move out, hard not to feel a bit like a cuck.

 

3. Her and new guy are now living together and its very hard not to feel kind of replaced.

 

I on the other hand have dated/slept with a tonne of girls over the 6 months just past, but i find myself unable to get over her. i know i helped end it for a reason but how can you get over someone you loved so much just throwing you aside like that?

 

I guess my question is, am i normal to still be depressed over this? is it mostly the fact that im in my final year of college and im stressed and constantly exhausted? is it just the shift in my life making me feel displaced? lack of social life? or should i consider getting help for actual clinical depression, as in did this trigger something already inside me?

 

Thanks for anyone who read my long moanings

 

ps. her new guy looks a little like me but fatter, its the little victories

[Tressugar]

I'm sorry you are going through it. Break ups suck! There's no other way about it. You have to go through the pain in order to heal. As long as you keep moving forward, it doesn't matter the length of time, you'll find peace.

 

I've been two major life altering heart breaks in my life and it's a good thing to know that the pain does diminish over a period of time. Be patient with yourself. Allow yourself to grieve. It'll get better with time.

 

Sending you healing love.

[Crab_Rangoon]

First of all, there's no such thing as "normal." Normal is a relative term. You're asking this question because you're feeling insecure about your emotions. Let me tell you something, however you're feeling inside is A-OK. Do not judge how you feel (and I'm not saying you are, but it feels like you're looking for approval for these emotions). You should congratulate yourself because you're acknowledging that you're feeling depressed about this whole thing. You're here, posting this question because you want to understand. Therefore, you are certain to grow from this. This is a win.

Now, let's just get right to the point. This girl is not for you. Obviously. You know she's not for you, you experienced signs that she's not a good match, so what is it that's keeping you feeling the attachment towards this person? What's so fantastic about her? What is it that you're really attracted to? There's something you see in her that you admire and you're confusing that with love, when in actuality you are infatuated/enamored with something about her? Maybe it's her ability to be callous? Maybe it's her perceived lack of emotion regarding this situation? You are a sensitive person (which is good) and she is displaying a little bit of a "cold" attitude about it all.

Think back to a time that there was a girl who you knew really liked you. Maybe even so much so that you know you could call this girl anytime and without hesitation she would drop what she's doing to hang out with you. You may have caused these same feelings that you're having in that person (not purposefully). I'm sure there's nothing wrong with that individual, you're just not interested. No big deal. The same thing is happening here. You clearly are more into her than she was into you. That doesn't mean anything is wrong with you, but what it does mean is that you might want to focus on what is it that's REALLY bothering you about all this. Break it down. Is it the feeling of rejection? Do you feel like she doesn't think you're "good enough?" You're the only one who can answer that question. Once you figure it out then you need to remove her from the equation and deal with the underlying issue that's bothering you about the whole thing. What sensitive side of you is she triggering? Whatever it is should be examined, as it is affecting your overall confidence. Once you resolve the UNDERLYING issue you will move into your next relationship with more confidence. It may even be that she sensed a lack of confidence in you and , I'm not going to sugar coat it. A lack of TRUE confidence is a turn off for females (I'm not generalizing ALL females, but certainly this is common). You cannot fake confidence. Just like a dog can smell fear, humans can smell a lack of confidence. Maybe it's the confidence in her that you are allured by? Again, only you can answer this.

Another piece of advice. When you're judging someone as to whether they will make a good long term mate, you simply have to ask yourself this question. Does this person ENHANCE my life? People who enhance your life are people who are excited about your life, your goals, they make you feel good about yourself, raise you up, they are always interested in listening to you when you have something to say. They don't talk over you. They can be counted on to lift you up when you're down, and they share your excitement about the successes you have in life. So when you're choosing someone to date simply ask that question. If you can't answer it with an adamant YES, then that person is not enhancing your life, and therefore they are probably sucking some life out of you.

Work on yourself. I assure you, if 6 months from now you run into her and you're experiencing happiness in your life, feeling confident about who you are and where you're going, she will do a double take. I am NOT encouraging you to plan this out, I'm just saying. Focus on you. Do not monitor what she's doing. Remove her from all of your social media, your phone, everything. When you do (if you haven't already) you will know how empowering it is. You don't need her, and she has nothing to offer you in this particular moment in your life. Appreciate the good things, and stop re-reading the same chapter. That chapter is done. Over. Time to turn the page. You have no idea what's coming, but if you keep focusing on trying to psychoanalyze this situation you might miss an opportunity.

It's time to level up. Both personally, and in preparation for your next relationship. Level up your expectations of yourself and level up your expectations of everyone you allow in your life going forward. You're not going to get worse, you're going to get better. Now MOVE....

 

 

Whoever you are, thank you for making my day better and for solid advice

 

Much love x

[Tressugar]

I'm glad you got the solid you were looking for. Now go out and put it to practice.

 

GL