There is hope

[TooRational]

I just wanted to share my story here because I was in the same place than lots of people here 6 months ago. My ex had broken up with me after a 6 mo r/s but I was still madly infatuated with her. Thought I could never find another woman as sexually compatible, etc, etc. You know the story. It was also my rebound after my separation from my wife so it was especially hard (such highs after a long drought).

 

I followed the advice here of going NC, but not right away. I kept in touch with her for 1 mo after break-up, hoping to rekindle things especially because she had given me hints of hope. But it was pure torture, always over-analyzing her every move, in search of a sign of hope. I needed to go NC to heal myself. What helped me was realizing that going NC was the only way I could get her back (if ever). I didn't want to be friend-zoned.

 

Still, I tried to go NC with zero expectations of getting her back. It wasn't the prime purpose of NC. Its purpose was to heal myself. The possibility of getting her back was just a bonus. With time, I realized that the r/s was not healthy for me and pretty much convinced myself that it could never have worked anyway.

 

Anyhow, fast forward to today. I had not been dating for 6 months on purpose. I wanted to rebuild myself and I especially wanted to be mostly over my ex before dating again. I'm here to tell you that it worked.

 

I met this amazing woman recently. We dated a bit and things quickly escalated about 10 days ago. We're now past the "ILY" stage. Too soon? Perhaps. But I don't care. We're both jumping in with both feet and it feels great after having to hold back in my previous r/s. I'm trying to keep realistic expectations because I know that the first 6 months are the infatuation stage but I'm enjoying the ride tremendously.

 

I thought I would never find someone as great at my ex. I was wrong. This woman is, to be honest, "above my league" in lots of ways. Tons of energy, a super athlete, drop dead gorgeous, genuine, not superficial, intelligent, lots of similar interests than me, great chemistry, tells me I'm the best partner she ever had, already calling me her "soul mate", etc, etc. What a nice change from my dismissive-avoidant ex.

 

So, I know it's hard. I've been there. But there is hope. Your most important job is to rebuild yourself and come out stronger and better than before that recent failed r/s. Regain your confidence. Pick up a new hobby. Go to the gym. Go meet new people. Stop living in the past. There's a great future ahead with a better partner waiting for you.

 

Cheers.

[2005tahoe]

I just wanted to share my story here because I was in the same place than lots of people here 6 months ago. My ex had broken up with me after a 6 mo r/s but I was still madly infatuated with her. Thought I could never find another woman as sexually compatible, etc, etc. You know the story. It was also my rebound after my separation from my wife so it was especially hard (such highs after a long drought).

 

I followed the advice here of going NC, but not right away. I kept in touch with her for 1 mo after break-up, hoping to rekindle things especially because she had given me hints of hope. But it was pure torture, always over-analyzing her every move, in search of a sign of hope. I needed to go NC to heal myself. What helped me was realizing that going NC was the only way I could get her back (if ever). I didn't want to be friend-zoned.

 

Still, I tried to go NC with zero expectations of getting her back. It wasn't the prime purpose of NC. Its purpose was to heal myself. The possibility of getting her back was just a bonus. With time, I realized that the r/s was not healthy for me and pretty much convinced myself that it could never have worked anyway.

 

Anyhow, fast forward to today. I had not been dating for 6 months on purpose. I wanted to rebuild myself and I especially wanted to be mostly over my ex before dating again. I'm here to tell you that it worked.

 

I met this amazing woman recently. We dated a bit and things quickly escalated about 10 days ago. We're now past the "ILY" stage. Too soon? Perhaps. But I don't care. We're both jumping in with both feet and it feels great after having to hold back in my previous r/s. I'm trying to keep realistic expectations because I know that the first 6 months are the infatuation stage but I'm enjoying the ride tremendously.

 

I thought I would never find someone as great at my ex. I was wrong. This woman is, to be honest, "above my league" in lots of ways. Tons of energy, a super athlete, drop dead gorgeous, genuine, not superficial, intelligent, lots of similar interests than me, great chemistry, tells me I'm the best partner she ever had, already calling me her "soul mate", etc, etc. What a nice change from my dismissive-avoidant ex.

 

So, I know it's hard. I've been there. But there is hope. Your most important job is to rebuild yourself and come out stronger and better than before that recent failed r/s. Regain your confidence. Pick up a new hobby. Go to the gym. Go meet new people. Stop living in the past. There's a great future ahead with a better partner waiting for you.

 

Cheers.

 

Congrats! I am a month post dumpee, it hurts. I got attached to her kids and this has stung. I am going to therapy and on antidepression meds. How did you meet your lady? I have tried OLD and friends of friends, nothing has really worked.

[TooRational]

Sorry about that. Good job on going to therapy, I'm sure that this is going to help. I hope you get back on your feet quickly.

 

I think that I met her in the ideal circumstances, which is doing an activity that we both enjoy, cross-country skiing (I joined a club). That way we at least have that in common. I stayed away from OLD on purpose because I didn't want to rush things and I kinda wanted to give real-world a try. It's fun to flirt in the real world and given that I had a very long relationship with my ex-wife, I never really had the opportunity to flirt in my adult life before.

[2005tahoe]

Sorry about that. Good job on going to therapy, I'm sure that this is going to help. I hope you get back on your feet quickly.

 

I think that I met her in the ideal circumstances, which is doing an activity that we both enjoy, cross-country skiing (I joined a club). That way we at least have that in common. I stayed away from OLD on purpose because I didn't want to rush things and I kinda wanted to give real-world a try. It's fun to flirt in the real world and given that I had a very long relationship with my ex-wife, I never really had the opportunity to flirt in my adult life before.

 

Good for you, I'm the shy quiet type, so that is a challenge for me. But I believe everything is in gods timing.

[TooRational]

I'm shy and quiet too but I've improved quite a bit over the years. For me anyway it has a lot to do with confidence. I'm shy when I'm afraid to speak or act for fear of being judged. This is because of lack of confidence.

 

I'm now more confident about myself than I used to be. I'm therefore less concerned about people's opinion of me (I'm confident about my worth) and the bottom line is that I'm less shy around people.

 

There's no silver bullet to gain confidence but one book I really recommend is Models by Mark Manson. He has lots of tips about self improvement which leads to more confidence (going to the gym, getting new clothes, new haircut, socializing more, etc).